Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Happy New Bachelor...almost!

So much to look forward to in the new year....starting with our new Bachelor...Mr. Pleated Khakis himself, Jake.

Everyone seems to be worried that he's going to be boring so...clearly ABC is trying to spice things up by releasing the news that one of the contestants has been hooking up with a crew member! Excellent! Because you know Jake is too straight-arrow for any funny business. Good start, ABC. Keep it coming.

In the meantime, the show premieres on January 4th at 8pm. More news to come...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Who is Torsten Krol?

So I just finished reading a fabulous book. I do not say this lightly. Very few books leave feeling fully satisfied. Either I like the story but not the writing style. Or I like the writing style and the story goes no where. Never fear, I am equally harsh on my own writing.

When I picked up the book The Dolphin People, I had zero expectations. For some reason, I thought it was a young adult novel which is why I chose it. Mostly because I find adult novels lately to be so angst-ridden, they can be a bit soul-crushing.

This was not a young adult novel. Nor was it depressing. I don't want to give too much away. But it follows the tale of a German family post-WWII after their plane crashes in the jungle. An Amazonian Indian tribe finds them and believes they are dolphin people who came out of the river. The German family must do all they can to keep this illusion going in order to survive. But this blog post isn't about the book. It's about the author.

On the book cover, it says..this book was written by Torsten Krol. Nothing further is known about him.

Pulease. What a drama queen.

I can appreciate if you want your anonymity but seriously, why all the dramatics?

Unless. You aren't who you say you are.

Of course, I had to google the guy and read everything I could find out about him. It appears that he might live in Australia. Or he might in reality not be Torsten Krol...but Stephen King.

This is not a horror novel. But the tone of voice in it is pretty confident. It seems to me that the person who wrote this has written lots of other things. Not just one other novel (something called Callisto and the only reason I didn't run out and buy is because it's about the war in Iraq and that topic makes me sick to my stomach.)

I'm convinced Torsten Krol is the pen name of someone more famous. And I'm so pissed that I can't find out who. Someone out there has to know. By the way, I am guessing Stephen King because the name doesn't sound unlike Torsten Krol. And because Stephen King has written lots of things beyond the horror genre that are fabulous, like "The Green Mile" and "Stand By Me."

Just for the record, if I ever get a novel published, I promise to be the biggest media whore ever. My public deserves it.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Princess Stalking

So we went to Disney. Not a long trip. Just one day at the Magic Kingdom. But apparently, long enough to stalk princesses.

Now. I knew A. liked princesses. I didn't know she thought of them as rock stars. This became clear the moment we entered the park and spotted Snow White. Overall, I think Snow White looked a bit sweaty. Yes, I know...Florida humidity. Unfortunately, she had to go somewhere (a date with Sleepy? a power walk with Grumpy?)and left. Apparently, that still counted as "seeing" her.

One princess down. A whole lot more to go.

So we headed over to Toon Town which is apparently where you can meet three princesses all at one time. It's a crap shoot because you never know who you are going to get. When we reached the front of the line, we discovered we had hit the Princess Trifecta...Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Belle. I had warned A. that we might not see Sleeping Beauty because she naps a lot. But she was there, platinum wig and all.

Here's where it got weird. A. would barely look/talk/interact with the princesses. Mostly she stuck her hands in her mouth.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh, I see you are wearing a dress with berries on it. I was just out picking berries this morning.

A: ??????

CINDERELLA: Oh my, what a lovely barrette you are wearing.

A: ?????

BELLE: Look! We both have brown hair!

A: ??????

Now, maybe A. just thought these were dumb conversations to have and didn't want to waste her time. She wouldn't be wrong. Or maybe she was frightened by their eye shadow. I was. In any event, four princesses down. More to go.

Ariel is not completely a princess but a princess mermaid. Apparently, this means she gets her own venue. The line streamed round and round at Ariel's grotto. When we finally got inside, Ariel was like really tiny. And she had a fake midriff. That is....she had a fabric tummy. No matter. A. wouldn't talk to her either. She spent most of the time inspecting the palm of her hand. Ariel checked it out too. Four princesses and one princess/mermaid down. I assumed we were done. Oh no.

We walked over to the Small World ride and A. got hysterical that Jasmine wasn't there. I explained that I didn't know where Jasmine was because she was a lesser princess and didn't get her own real estate. This only made the crying worse. Luckily, an employee from Small World overheard us and made a phone call to track down Jasmine. No joke, she really did. This is why Disney rocks.

Apparently, Jasmine would be appearing with Aladdin by the Magic Carpet ride at 11:15. After It's a Small World, we raced over to meet her. Aladdin could have been invisible for all she cared. A. only had eyes for Jasmine. Jasmine actually did show her midriff which made her quite popular with the Dads.

After that, A. had no need to meet any characters. She seemed to have forgotten about Mulan and Pochantas which is good. We stopped stalking and started having fun.

I promise. No more princess postings after this. Next post...why the Rainforest Cafe is my idea of hell.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

No Giants in the House

Every household needs rules. Our rules include no giants, dinosaurs, dragons, witches or ghosts in the house. Fairies, on the other hand, are quite welcome.

Apparently though, giants keep getting in. You'd think someone would notice them climbing up the stairs of our brownstone but no. Sharks are also becoming something of a problem. Just yesterday, they were circling our dining room table:

A: Put your feet up! We're on a pirate ship and there are sharks around.

Me: Okay.

A: Careful! The shark is biting my feet! Now he's biting my private parts!

Me: Um...

A: Now he's eating my nipples! Those are private parts too!

Me: Hey, how about another chicken finger?

And much later, coincidentally around bedtime, a giant got into the house. Again. I told him to leave and not to come back. We checked her bedroom for any extra ones that might be hiding in the closet. We did find a dragon. I made him leave via the fire escape.

Me: By the way, you know that giants and dragons aren't real.

A: Yes. They are pretend. So are witches. And ghosts. And horses.

Me: Well, horses are real.

A: No.

Me: Yes they are. We've seen them.

A: But they are really big.

Me: Yes.

A: Like giants.

I am starting to see the logic here. Kind of.

A: Don't be afraid of giants and dragons, Mommy. They are just pretend.

Me: Okay.

A: But princesses are real. And fairies too.

Me: Do they ever get in the house?

A: No. They live in Florida.

Of course they do. But in the event they ever make it to Brooklyn, we'll invite them in.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Hello, my sweet city...

I'm back. Not that you care.

You're like that old boyfriend I had once

who barely looked up when I entered the room.

And only gave me a compliment once

and that was on my shoes.

Even though you don't always make me feel good about myself

I'm happy to be back in your big, gray arms.

It's okay, you don't have to hug back

as long as you

don't push me away.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Just in time for Halloween...

we are being haunted by the ghosts of Bachelors past.

Yes, Jason is engaged. Does he deserve to be on the cover of US Magazine? Probably not. Yet, here he is:


And more importantly, do you think he's had a nose job? Hmmm....what do you think?

Friday, October 23, 2009

Hypochondriacs unite!

In New York, it's sometimes hard to find your peeps. People who really really get you. Quite by accident, I found a few of mine yesterday. Standing on line at CVS, waiting to get our seasonal flu shots.

Now, you have to know that in order to even know about this flu clinic, you had to be the type who did your homework. The clinic was not listed on the nyc.gov website nor did the helpful folks at 311 know about it. After getting shut out of not one but two flu clinics at Duane Reade, I did some major googling. Which led me to this flu clinic at a CVS on 18th Street. The very last flu clinic at any CVS in Manhattan. My daughter got her flu shot at her doctor, my husband was getting his at work. I was not going to be the lone flu target in the house. So I got there 30 minutes early to lines and total mayhem.

Let me first say, I waited for two hours for my shot. Naturally, everyone on line got to know each other pretty well. Here are some bits and pieces of conversation on line. I would like to add that NONE of this is made up or embellished in any way. This is what I heard, word for word, scribbling down in my little black book:

"I'm going to have to do a lot of flying in the next few months. So I guess I should get a face mask."

"Oh yes. You must get a face mask."

"I wonder which aisle they're on?"

"Oh no. Don't buy the ones here. The best ones are at hardware stores. You know, the respirator kinds."

"Maybe we're all getting each other sick, standing so close together on this line."

"No, they won't give the flu shot to anyone here with symptoms. So everyone here is healthy."

"Or maybe they just appear healthy. And tomorrow they will get symptoms. Isn't that when you are most contagious, just before you get something?"

"Do you think they are Purell-ing between people?"

"They better make it cooler in here or people will start passing out. And then CVS will be in big trouble."

"Yes, they should pass out bottles of water."

"I've been shut out of three different flu clinics already."

"Are you going to get the Swine Flu vaccine?"

"I don't know. But I am going to get the pneumonia vaccine."

"Really? I didn't know it existed."

"I might get the pneumonia vaccine but not swine flu. Because that way if I get swine flu, it won't give me pneumonia."

"I didn't know they made so many different kind of protein bars. Or amino acids. Or protein shakes."

"Yeah. I could really go for a malted."

"My friend stopped eating in restaurants because of the flu."

"Well, if she came here to get vaccinated, she wouldn't have to worry."

"Can we pick which nurse gives us the vaccine? I don't like the look of that one."

"If people are willing to wait on line for a movie or a restaurant, why wouldn't they wait on line for this?"

Ah. I love New York.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Breaking Bachelor News...in case you care...

Jason and Molly are engaged. These two deserve each other.

In case you want to read more, go here:


Monday, October 19, 2009

This is why the University of Michigan is superior to UF

I say this because my partner at work (and University of Michigan alumni) just explained to me the concept of the two point conversion. Aha. So that's what everyone means when they talk about "going for two." Got it.

And hence...why she went to the University of Michigan. And I did not.

It's the sport of kings...

better than diamond rings....football.

Anyone else remember that little ditty from the movie "Wildcats?" Just me? Okay.

So I've been watching football for years. Growing up in Florida..that's what you do. And I went to a big football school....okay, this is an understatement. I went to the currently undefeated, National Championship-winning University of Florida. So obviously, I must know everything there is to know about football. Right? Right?

I will go on the record here and now and say there are a lot of things I don't understand about it. Does this make me sound like an idiot? Possibly. But there are things I just don't get...

1. What are "special teams?" No one has ever given me a straight answer on this.

2. What constitutes "excessive celebrating?" Is it jumping up and down? A fist pump to the air? Chest bumping teammates? I don't get it. Who gets to decide? And also, who cares?

3. What's up with the flags? I never seem to see them when they get thrown. And why do they get thrown? For stuff like "holding?" Isn't it necessary to hold the football in order to make a goal?

4. Why is it impossible to tell if the kicker makes the extra point? Unless it runs right down the middle, who can tell?

5. First down? Third down? Husband has explained this to me but I still don't actually know what this is.

6. How do you know if your team is a running team or a throwing team? And also, why is this important?

My dear college roommate used to try to help me, sitting next to me at Gator games and saying "clap now" but it didn't really help. I can still generally tell who wins the game. Touchdowns are also exceedingly clear. Extra points, not always.

Yes, I want the Gators to win. And the Hurricanes to lose. I even want the Dolphins to win...even if they never do. But the details? Still a bit of a mystery.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

And the new Bachelor is.....


Well, yeah. We thought so. But ABC wanted to make it all official.

Get ready for the parade of pleated khakis...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

More Tales of the Critter Magnet

As I've blogged before, critters seem to be drawn to me. When I lived in Florida, it was frogs and lizards. In my city life, it's been (shudder) rodents. I hesitate to even write the word since when I do, they seem to take it as an open invitation.

Now, I should tell you that we live on the 4th floor of a brownstone. So you'd think that the critters wouldn't want to travel that far. Seems as though they don't mind.

The other night, we're in bed and I turn off the light to go to sleep. Then I hear an odd zapping noise, like an electrical current. I turn the light back on again and a huge insect with brown wings is standing on my nightstand smiling at me. I shriek, wake the husband and point. He attempts to "get" it (sorry animal lovers) but wholeheartedly misses. This leads to us both jumping on the bed, scouring the room for the little bugger. And then we hear the familiar "zzz-zzz" that this insect makes. The husband stalks him and eventually moves in for the kill. I somewhat feel bad for destroying such a strange-looking creature. Husband looks at me strangely and goes to sleep.

But I can't. Since I know it's just a matter of time before we get another night time visitor. I am convinced that at some point, a bat is going to get in. It stands to reason since we live really close to the park. And the park is apparently crawling with them. Actually, I guess flying with them is more appropriate. I'm convinced they fly in through our chimney and hang out in the living room, playing with A's Legos. And while I think bats are kinda cool animals, I totally don't think I could handle it if one got in the house.

In the meantime, A. keeps insisting she is seeing mice all over the house. She even insists there is a mouse hole by the front door, throwing herself on the ground at least once a day to say "hello mouse!" Maybe she sees something I don't. Or perhaps she just enjoys torturing me. Or maybe, just maybe...she's a critter magnet too.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The New Bachelor is....

Jake. At least according to the Internet. And if you read it there, then you know it must be true.

Want more? Go here:


And in case you don't remember who Jake is..he's Mr. All-American Perfect Pilot with the pleated khakis. He might quite possibly iron his underwear. Have fun ladies....

And yes, I cannot wait.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Least Sucky Princess

Yes, I know. I have blogged about this before. But still..it just has to be said. Currently we are in Stage 2 of princess-ness and I have to think we are almost done with them. Right? Uh...right?

Note: this does not mean that I in any way prevent her from experiencing princesses as she sees fit. Meaning we have the books, the dolls, the clothes, the music. If this is what she really loves....then she deserves to experience it.


Since I have been reading lots of princess books lately...let me just say, most of them suck and don't teach such great lessons. Arielle saves Prince Eric from drowning. However, she then has to give up her voice in order to win him. So she just does it based on her beauty and...well, her beauty. Next!

Snow White, as everyone knows, is a total doormat and really not so bright. First she lets some hunter lead her off into the woods and leave her there. Then she decides to become the housekeeper for seven slovenly men. And then she takes an apple from an old witch. Come on, sister! No brains in that pretty little head of yours? But it all works out because a prince falls in love with her beauty and wakes her up. Snow White, you suck.

Now, let's talk about Belle, aka Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, yeah...Disney makes a big deal about how she reads books. But she still winds up having to cater to this Beast who doesn't treat her so well. Yet she falls in love with him. And then he becomes a handsome prince. This fairy tale caters especially to smart women who love the wrong guys and think they can change them. Belle, you suck, too.

Cinderella is another doormat who lives with mice, cleans for some ungrateful, boorish relatives and then miraculously, finds a fairy godmother who makes her pretty enough to go to a ball and win a man's heart. My take? Cinderella is depressed and therefore delusional about the situation and imagines the whole thing.

And we won't even talk about Sleeping Beauty, who basically sleeps through her whole story.

Supposedly, Disney is trying to create a new princess named Tiana. Tiana is Disney's first African-American princess. They promise that Tiana will be strong and independent and not looking for anyone to help her. Though presently, if you click on the Disney Princess website...which I do more often than I care to admit...Tiana doesn't speak. All of the other animated princesses have a whole conversation with you. Tiana, thus far, just sits there smiling. So I'll believe it when I see it.

And by the way, books about feminist princesses still suck because they are trying too hard.

I've heard the next girl stage is fairies. Which I'm looking forward to. Since fairies control their own destinies. Provided no one mistakes them for say, a mosquito.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

New Bachelor!

Apparently,there is one. But ABC won't announce it until October 13th on Dancing with the Stars. Damn them!

Which means you'll have to watch "stars" like Tom DeLay attempt to tango in order to find out the scoop. Oh ABC, why must you punish us so....

Just keeping you in the loop.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Who says kids don't notice advertising?

So our girl got sick her first full week of school. Not terribly surprising though still a bummer. Just a little cold and fever. And upset tummy.

I ran out and bought some soup. The brand shall remain nameless but I used to work on it. Specifically, the exact type of soup that I purchased.

A. inspected the can carefully. I asked her if she wanted some.

A: No! Because the boy turned gray.

Me: What?

A: The boy ate the soup and turned gray. I don't want to be gray.

Me: What are you talking about?

A. points at the can of soup. There is a black and white cartoon drawing of a boy on it. Technically, I guess you could call him gray but he's really black and white. This is beside the point.

The funny part is, the boy is part of a campaign I was responsible for. The campaign is no longer running and A. was most certainly not the target market. Still, it was a little startling to realize how literal a three-year-old could be.

Me: You won't turn gray. It's just like a picture. You know. Like in a book. Just pretend.

She wasn't buying it.

By the end of the day, she felt better. But she insisted on chicken fingers for dinner. And since it's the first food she requested in about three days, that's what she had. We'll save the advertising lesson for another day.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

How you know it's time to get out of the city

Not for good, of course, since I have a fear of the suburbs. One I will have to get over eventually but not any time soon.

So we decided to go away for a few days last week. Mostly because we had never done it before, just husband, A and myself. Unless you count visiting relatives, which is not the same as staying in a hotel together.

First sign it was time to get out of the city? A says "is this car service?" I say, "no, honey...your daddy's driving." This is very funny news to her. She says "my daddy's a driver."

After a slightly minor melt-down in the car, she fell asleep. All seemed well when we arrived at the hotel. She thought it was very cool place to be, complete with a "special bed." And even more special, real phones.

"Mama, what's this?"

"It's a phone."

She eyed the large black box suspiciously but picked up the receiver. "I need to call someone."

And so we let her. Seemed like a great way to occupy her until the phone actually rang.

"This is the front desk. Someone called 911?"



"It was probably our daughter. Sorry about that."

"Well, the police might come. We'll call them but if they are on their way..."

We unplug the phone.

Then we go to the aquarium. A fun time is had by all. She touches rays, crabs, birds, etc. We swim. We eat a lot of fried things and ice cream. A swims in a pool. We go to a beach where we are basically the only ones there. We go on a few boat rides up and down the Mystic River. We decide Mystic Seaport (the attraction itself) is like Epcot...good idea in theory, not so much in execution. Cute town. Seaport, eh.

And we go to Target because we love it there and could possibly live in one forever, given the chance.

On the way home, A. says "I like our car."

"We're giving it back."

And she looks at it sadly but only for a minute.

"Can I ride the train tomorrow?"

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Why This Isn't Pretty

By this, I mean...this. My bloggy blog.

Yes, I know it could look better. It could have a nicer layout. Be better organized. Include pictures, even.

Overall the whole thing could be more appetizing. I say this because I work in advertising. So I know the importance of appealing to people's visual sensibilities, even if they claim not to have any.

But. I. Don't. Care.

Unlike most things in the world, this bloggy blog is about words. And that's it.

And yes, I know that presenting this to the world in this fashion may be the equivalent of walking out of the house without my undereye cover-up and lipgloss on but ya know? Whatever.

You're reading this, right? Can't be that bad.

And since The Bachelor is on hiatus until January...chances are you'll be hearing mostly about me for the next six months.

It'll be fun. But it won't be pretty.

Monday, August 31, 2009

In case you're wondering...

and you're probably not. But I was.

The new Bachelor show premieres on January 4th. Yes, that's what I said. January. And they claim they don't know who the new Bachelor is. So...get in your applications now...

Happy last day of August...

Monday, August 17, 2009

Birthday People

You know how for some people birthdays are like, no big deal? Just another day of the week.

Yeah. I'm totally not one of those.

I've always been glad that my birthday is usually on/close to Thanksgiving because I firmly believe no one should work on my big day. Certainly not me.

So when our girl was born in August, I was happy for her. Birthdays filled with sunshine and no school. Of course, it might be an eensy-weensy bit humid. But still. Birthday parties in the park or in a pool (if we ever have one..they don't fit too well on Brooklyn rooftops) seemed guaranteed for her future.

Only...August is when lots of people want to skip town. Sort of a farewell to summer type thing. A last hurrah, if you will. Lots of A's little buddies will be on vacation and unable to attend. Which makes me sad.

And then there are those pesky hurricanes.

Why are hurricanes a problem if you don't live in say, New Orleans or Florida? Because eventually those hurricanes move north...usually in the form of big tropical depressions. And right now, as we speak...Hurricane Bill is getting itself all frothed up in the Atlantic, heading for Bermuda. Which isn't that terribly far from us.

Does this mean that A's party is destined to be in our little apartment? Stay tuned. Of course, this will mean less schlepping for us. But still. I think our girl deserves a sunshine day. As an August baby, it's her birthright.

Birthday Person that I am, I'm checking weather.com like a madwoman. Is once an hour considered excessive?

I'm taking a poll. When's the best month or birthdays? The worst?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I know I said I'd stop talking about the Bachelorette...

but these people just will not stay out of the news! According to Us Weekly, all the guys said Ed was a tool. See for yourself:


Two Bachelorette covers in two weeks! At least it's better than hearing about John and Kate again.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Anderson Cooper asks Jillian that burning question...

see for yourself:


Thanks Peter Farrell for bringing this to my attention...

Happy Friday and enjoy.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Reluctant Princess

In case you think I'm talking about my daughter, think again. It's me.

That's because we are going through a princess phase in our house and I'm slightly amused yet horrified at the same time.

Though A. has informed me that she is the queen and I am the princess. At least she aiming to be in the position of authority.

I could handle the pink and the tutus and the fairy wings. But there is just something so insipid about Snow White chirping away "someday my prince will come." And A. gets really annoyed if I try to imitate her, fluttering my eyelashes and gesturing wildly.

"Listen," she will tell me. "Just listen."

And she does. And she loves it. So I will keep my opinions to myself. Or try. Try very hard. Because if this is what she likes, than she deserves to experience it. Let her dream of fluffy dresses and fairy godmothers. And before we know it, she'll be on to horses or dinosaurs or whatever else phase comes next.

In the meantime, the hierarchy is Snow White first, then Arielle (who she calls Marielle) and Cinderella.

"What do the princesses do?" she asks me.

"Well," I say. "Snow White cooks, Arielle swims and Cinderella cleans."

She wrinkles her nose. "What about Sleeping Beauty?"

"She just sleeps."

"I don't like that!"

"Sorry, that's what they do."

It won't be long now. In the meantime, did you know that a wish is a dream your heart makes? When its fast asleep?

Nothing more needs to be said about Jillian and Ed...

so I won't. Except...good luck. And...Reid for Bachelor!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Bachelorette Finale....drama? What drama?

This is how I know I’m a geek. As if there was ever any doubt.

I spent a shameful part of yesterday cruising the Internet, looking for scoop on what might happen on The Bachelorette Finale. One blogger promised that Ed had a girlfriend and there would much drama surrounding this. Another claimed she chose no one. Even Chris Harrison promised “most dramatic season finale ever!”

Ha. I think not.

Certainly not as dramatic as Brad Womack choosing no one. Or Jason picking one and then the other. What happened last night? She picked Ed. Otherwise known as E.D. Code name, Green Shorts. Perhaps if he didn’t wear those so tight, the E.D. wouldn’t be much of a problem.

So last night Jilly brought her family (mom, dad, granny and look-alike cousin) to Hawaii to meet the two remaining guys. I’ll be honest, I missed most of Ed meeting the parents, though I hear he put on a coconut shell bikini and danced with Jilly’s dad. And of course, that he asked for her hand in marriage. I tried to dedicate two whole hours to the show but really, it’s just impossible. At 8pm, Girlfriend and I were having debates over reading Fancy Nancy versus Dora the Explorer and deciding whether or not Hoho the Monkey was an acceptable bedtime substitute for the orange Care Bear. Don’t know what I’m talking about? You might someday…

Anyway, I tuned into Kiptyn attempting to make nice nice with Jilly’s parents. Ah, Kiptyn. Mr. “Nine-pack” (Jilly’s words, not mine….wouldn’t there have to be an even number to be on both sides of the stomach?) There’s nothing technically wrong with Kiptyn. It’s just he’s a bit too…perfect. And I have to say, it seemed like he was phoning it in a bit with Jilly’s family. Either that or he is the most boring person on the planet. Which is entirely possible.

Then Jilly asks her family what they think. Mom and the cousin like Kiptyn. Dad likes Ed. No, Dad loves Ed. Dad wants Jillian to marry Ed. Or maybe Dad wants to marry Ed?

Jilly then pulls her cousin aside for some “girl talk” where she politely tells her that she doesn’t want to rip off Ed’s clothes. Cousin looks at her like, duh. Go for the guy with the nine-pack! Whatever the hell that is.

Next day, off to the Big Island with the two loves of Jilly’s life. First up, date with Ed. Jillian says “Ed and I are a basket full of nerves. There’s a lot of pressure here.” Why? Because Ed talks the talk but he can’t walk the walk. Hope he brought his little blue pill!

First off, Jill and Ed take a helicopter ride into a volcano. Ed seems jealous of all the exploding lava. The two of them make out a lot. He says “I don’t know if it was the volcano that was heating things up but it sure was hot in there.” I’m shaking my head.

Then they land and take a hike to a waterfall, to a secluded spot where they make out some more. I’m fairly certain he is eating Jilly’s chin.

Then Ed busts out the green shorts and they go swimming in the waterfall. He tells Jilly he will never leave her again. And that he wants to take her back to his room. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Jill says, I’m worried he is going to stress out again.

But ABC wants to make it perfectly clear that isn’t the case. Not only do they show Ed and Jill in a darkened bedroom, they actually show the lights going out. In case there was ever any doubt in your mind, they then cut to a shot of an exploding volcano with lava pouring out. I considered throwing things at the television at this point but thought my husband wouldn’t appreciate it.

Next day, next dude. Kiptyn of the fine abs. Jilly and Kiptyn make out on a surfboard, something I wasn’t sure was even possible. Then they’re in the bedroom, making out while holding wine glasses, which is another neat trick. Kiptyn tells her he wants to spend his life with her. Truthfully, JIlly looks a little bored. But she touches his abs and she’s back in business.

Okay. Next morning. Proposal day! JIlly wakes up and says she knows who she wants to be with. In the meantime, Kip and Ed go ring shopping. Kiptyn picks out a nice-looking three carat ring. What the hell, he’s not paying for it. I don’t remember much about it but thought it was nice, if a bit bling-y. Ed picked out a pear-shaped diamond that frankly, looked a little mafia wife to me. You may disagree with me but it is possible to have too many diamonds.

Jilly dresses in a bridesmaidy looking pink dress. She even does a ridiculous little twirl in front of the mirror. Who does that? Besides Cinderella. She tells Chris Harrison she is nervous. He says “you know what you have to do” and escorts her onto this weird platform with water on either side. It would only be cool if they had sharks in the water.

And who’s out of the limo first?? Why, it’s Kiptyn! Now, Kiptyn has never been dumped before. So he kind of assumes he’s going to win this thing. The abs have never been turned down before. Kiptyn grabs Jilly’s hands and start telling her all the reasons why he wants to marry her. Jilly starts to cry and says she has fallen for someone else. Kiptyn immediately gets pretty business-like and says, well, Ed’s a lucky man. He practically shakes her hand. Kip seems a bit more teary in the limo but I never really bought it.

And then…you assume the next limo will pull up. Instead, it’s a cab. Out steps Reid in a suit with sneakers. He’s here to save the day, to keep Jillian from dealing with a lifetime of E.D. He tells us a bunch of times “that he had to pull multiple strings to get here.” Uh huh. Right. Like the ABC producers weren’t rubbing their hands together with glee.

Jillian sees him and puts her hand on her heart. They hug and I am distracted by something weird on Jillian’s elbow. And then I notice her foundation isn’t well-blended. Sorry, I totally have ADD sometimes.

Jill puts her head on Reid’s head as he says “I was an idiot. I came back to tell you I loved you.” She says “I was falling in love with you, I missed everything we had.” Does this sound like someone who should accept a proposal from someone else? I think not! Reid goes on and says “I’m like a four year old, I love you this much.” She says “I let you go because you couldn’t tell me how you felt.”

And then Reid gets down on one knee and proposes and she looks kind of happy. Then she realizes she is supposed to be getting a proposal from Ed and pulls Reid off his knees and says “I need to think about this.” He says “what do you need to think about/” She says “I was thinking I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone else today.”

And that folks, is exactly why this season should have ended with no proposal accepted. But I think Jilly found it hard to resist.

So Jilly goes inside to ponder Reid and Reid waits outside, sweating like a…what do people sweat like? I almost said racehorse but that is something else.

It seems like Jilly contemplates a long time but I noticed they put one shot of her up several times so…who knows. Chris Harrison decides to help her out.

Chris: Where’s your gut?

Jilly: How am I supposed to make a decision like this?

Chris: Because you just know. Are you excited by the prospect of Ed proposing? Then you know what you need to do.

So JIlly marches out and tells Reid no. Jillian walks him and his sad sneakers out. Reid keeps saying it doesn’t make sense and “some people are better in this situation than others.” Reid is back in the cab, saying he has no regrets but it just doesn’t make sense sense and that he was too late.

And then Ed shows with his purple tie and a pear-shaped diamond. Jillian practically tackles him when he proposes. She is cheering and jumps into his arms. I think for a moment that she might do a split. There is happy music as we see a montage of the Ed/Jilly love story. In case you’re wondering what to buy them for their wedding, might I suggest a lifetime supply of the little blue pill?

And that’s it, folks. Season’s over! Unless you count tonight…which is After the Final Rose. My guess is they bring back Reid to be the next bachelor. We shall see!

Thanks for tuning into the blog. Come back and visit sometime.


Most dramatic season finale ever?

Ugh....I don't think so.

Talk about hype. Unless Jillian dumps poor Ed on television tonight, I think we can safely say last night's show ended with a whimper. And a kinda of ugly pear-shaped diamond.

Ed? Really? Good luck with that.

More to come.


Monday, July 27, 2009

Let the train wreck begin!

It's finale time! The show starts at 8. I still predict that Jillian pulls a Brad Womack. We shall see.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

This is just wrong...

but funny. Check out this spoof of the Bachelorette:


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Men Tell All…AKA Hello Whiners!

Seriously. I don’t blame Jillian a bit if she doesn’t pick any of these guys. What a pack of catty little brats. The Men Tell All was basically a bitchfest where all the guys complained about each other. I’m not going to go into it minute by excruciating minute but here are the highlights.

Jillian has a sit down with Chris to talk about all the men. Good lighting and a good dress do wonders for this girl. Based on everything she says about everyone (mostly diplomatic stuff) I think she is setting us all up for saying she chooses no one. Jilly claims that Tanner’s foot fetish was okay with her, that David talking about her butt wasn’t cool and that she felt sick when Ed left. Also…that she saw the good side of Wes and that she thought she’d marry a honkey tonk cowboy.

ABC then shares some behind the scenes footage which is generally lame-O but this time has one of the Harlem Globetrotters dishing out relationship advice. Best line from Special K (the Globetrotter, in case you don’t follow them….does anyone?)…he says “Mike has good hair. See if he’ll cut it for you.” And also Juan “is supposed to be in competition with other guys but he invited us all back to the house.” Hmm.

Then ABC drags out Molly and Jason and we have to hear about how happy they are, blah, blah, blah. They both claim they would marry each other tomorrow yet they still don’t live in the same city. Yeah. Okay. Talk to me when Little Ty wakes up Molly at 4am vomiting ravioli. Then we’ll see how in love you guys are.

Chris Harrison tells us that Reid “had a prior engagement and couldn’t make it.” Uh huh. That’s because poor Reid is coming back to beg for JIlly’s hand. But the rest of the guys were there (except for Wes, who apparently thinks he is being treated unfairly by ABC). What did we learn last night?

1. The two Tanners give each other high fives over having a cool name.

2. Everyone thinks Jake is square (picture me drawing the outline of a square). He is a little squeaky. Like you can totally picture him as a small town preacher on say, The Waltons.

3. Robby is a drunk ass. Robby D!

4. If Dave hasn’t committed homicide yet, I’m pretty sure he will.

5. Dave also thinks that after you compliment a woman on her eyes, her butt is the next logical thing to talk about.

6. Jake said the F word for possibly the first time in his life.

7. The ladies love Jakie Jake. As if you didn’t know.

8. Apparently, fake-drinking a shot goes against “the man code.”

9. “Pulling a Mesnick” means leaning over a hotel balcony and sobbing like a girl with a broken dolly.

10. Jillian gave up her job to be on the show. Yeah. That was really worth it.

Really. There was nothing else interesting going on. I will say that I thought Jesse looked a little worse in this lighting and Mark the Pizza Guy looked a little better. So did Mike Steinberg and Pop-in-Lock Michael, though I still think he is gay and doesn’t know it yet. Also, Jillian used a bit too much of the fake tan this week.

Next week is the big finale. My prediction? ABC leaves us hanging like they did last time. Meaning….Jillian will be conflicted and make her decision on the After The Final Rose Show the next day. I have no proof, just a gut feeling. We shall see…stay tuned…

Have a good Tuesday,

"You're an awful human."

And they say girls are catty? These guys were just as bad. Good times on The Men Tell All. Though I will put it on the record that I don't think Jillian chooses any of them. There. I've said it.

More to come...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Two hour of the Men Tell All?

Uh...how are they going to stretch this one out?

My predictions:

Dave is mean.

Juan is wussy.

Michael cries.

Tanner talks about feet.

But it you want to see for yourself, it starts at 8pm.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Bachelorette Round-Up "I'm not just a pilot..."

So I’m back from vacation and still living in post-vacation non-reality. Which means I am going to attempt to accentuate the positive. Being in places like Vermont will do that to a person. Forgive me. I’m sure it will only last another day or two.

The positive: I caught most of last night’s show. The reality: I only missed the first fifteen minutes but that was the entire length of Kimptyn’s date with Jillian. Damn!

Oh well. I’m sure it was just more shots of his crazy abs and pointy ears. Was that positive? I’m trying here, folks. Don’t worry, I promise not to turn into one of those people who says things like “Smile! Friday’s almost here!”

Okay. So I tune in just in time for Jilly’s date with Reid. They are going on a helicopter ride. Reid is excited because he’s never been on one. Well, who has? Mostly cops, I would imagine. At least those are the kinds of helicopters we always see in my neighborhood. Reid and Jilly are like making out the whole time. Always a good sign in my book, if you can’t keep your hands off each other. Guess the helicopter pilot thinks so too because that’s when he tells them that “not only is he a pilot but an ordained minister, too.” Jillian grins. Reid begins to sweat. And thus, begins the problem with this date.

The positive: they’re in Hawaii. Yay! The negative: Jilly wants Reid to say he loves and her and will propose soon. Uh oh.

Call me unromantic but…I think a proposal at the end of this has always been a bad idea. Just pick someone and date them in the real world. Saying you will marry someone after six weeks of non-exclusive dating is silly. Jilly doesn’t seem to agree and really presses Reid on the subject.

JILL: Did I freak you out when I talked about marriage?


JILL: So what’s going on in your head?

REID: Well it’s all been very fast. It feels rushed. I don’t want to see you with other guys.

Which is a good sign, right? If a guy doesn’t want to share you? But that night, Jillian continues the full court press.

JILL (PICKING A BUG OFF OF REID LIKE ONE OF THOSE MONKEYS YOU SEE ON ANIMAL PLANET): So are you ready to propose at the end of this?

REID: Maybe. Possibly.

JILL: You’re like the Magic Eight Ball right now. All signs point to…

Reid continues to hem and haw. Jilly really wants that ring. Instead, she pulls out the fantasy suite card. Reid thinks it’s a good idea. Well, duh. He tells Jillian he is not good at the L word. Poor thing can’t even get the word out.

Next shot (after the huge light-up sign of THE WESTIN HOTEL….and now a word from our sponsor!)….is Jilly and Reid in a very bubbly bath holding up champagne. Could it be more staged? Could Reid look more embarrassed? Could anyone be more humiliated? Which leads us to our next date…

Ed. Or E.D. as we shall now call him. Why? Because our friend needs the little blue pill. Viva Viagra, my friend! Here is an example of how you can do everything right, say everything right but it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that schwing. I’m not sure if I should be horrified or amused that ABC decided to be straight up with this. Okay, last erection pun, I promise. Maybe.

So Ed and Jilly ride a catamaran. She straddles him underwater. He surprises her by flying in his parents to meet her. Jilly LOVES his parents. OMG, you guys love to play cards? I LOVE TO PLAY CARDS! So much enthusiasm, I wanted to….stop, stop, stop. Must be positive for a few more hours.

So Ed’s mom and dad look a little stunned to be on television. His father says, “What the hell are we doing here?” His dad is pissed he left his job to chase some girl on tv. Meanwhile, Jilly does her best to cozy up to Mom, even telling her she “did a great job raising him.” Come on. Could you possibly kiss up more? And then Ed’s dad and Jilly talk and he gets all choked up, saying “I’ve never seen Ed put his feelings on his shirt sleeves.” Oh dear. This is getting corny, here.

Alone time at last! Ed tells Jilly she is perfect for him. Jilly comes out in only a low-cut white sweater because really, what says romance more than a sweater? Then she busts out some oil, ABC turns on the soft core porn music and she straddles him. All right, ABC…way to be subtle. They do that camera shot through the window that lets you know it’s loving time. And then…uh oh. A light goes on in the bedroom!

Jilly says the loving feeling wasn’t there.

Oh sure, the loving feeling like you love your teddy bear was there. But not the kind that makes you want to get sweaty.

Birds do it. Bees do it. But Ed…he can’t do it.

It might have been the most humiliating thing ABC’s shown us in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. And that’s saying something.

JIlly has a sit down with Chris. He asks her about E.D. and his ED. Chris says “pressure has affected the physical part of the relationship.” She nods soberly. And then…woo-hoo! Each guy sends Jilly a video message. Pretty non-memorable except for E.D. who lays it on thick, saying he loves her and wants to propose. Seriously, she’s not going to fall for that, is she? Is she?

Rose ceremony time. Ed thinks it’s a good idea to bust out a lavender jacket, blue shirt and white pants. Because no woman can resist that.

And the first rose goes to Kimpton.

And the second goes to….ED?????

Really? The guy you said you had no chemistry with? Really??? Just because he’s willing to show up with a ring….one that ABC is paying for?

Uh, okay. I could say more but I’m being positive this week.

In the meantime, poor Reid. He looks really sad. She tells him they are at different places in their life. In the limo, he says I was falling in love with her. I screwed up and should have told her how I was feeling sooner. Meanwhile, Jilly sobs. Ed tries to comfort her, holding her in his arms. Apparently, that part of his body works.

Next week, it’s the Men Tell All Show. Expect lots of foot jokes from Tanner.

That’s all, folks. Happy Tuesday.


"I'm not just a pilot, I'm an ordained minister."

Seriously folks, Jillian should have taken the opportunity to marry Reid in the helicopter. Instead, she dumped him for a man with “performance” issues. Yeah. That’ll last.

More to come later.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I'm baaaaaack....

Sorry been so lame about the Bachelorette blog this season. Between my flu (not swine) and my vacation (it's over...sigh....)...there's been no time. But I'm back. I really am.

Tonight. In Hawaii. Minus Wes.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

No Bachelorette Blog this week...

sorry. No can do. Leaving for vacation tomorrow and work's too busy. Plus the day after always feels like...eh. Why bother?

Sorry guys. I never usually skip but my sinuses feel like they are about to explode so I'm not feeling terribly funny right now.

Have a good day,

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

"You may as well jump on the train now..."

What train is that? The Wes train. Going straight to the Chinchilla, Mexico Wal-Mart...the only place you can find his CD.

Guys, it's been a rough week....I've had a bug that would not go away. I will try to blog about this today but it may not happen. And of course, next week...the week of the overnight dates...I'll be away and not blogging! Sorry.

Anyway, I'll try to update today if possible.

Take care,

Friday, June 26, 2009

Tanner talks about his package...don't pretend like you're not going to read this...

My friend Andy sent me this and it was just too good not to pass along. Thanks, Andy! An article about Tanner talking about his manhood...now that's quality journalism:

Size doesn't matter to Jillian Harris.

Because if it did, the Bachelorette wouldn't have given Tanner Pope the boot.

Tanner confirmed to reporters yesterday that he has quite the impressive manhood.

"I was just blessed," he said.

Oh, that's not all he had to say about his self-described "man piece"…

Tanner is not shy about showing off what God gave him. "All the guys knew because we had outdoor showers and so they called me 'King Dong' and other things," he said. "I did tricks with my wiener."

And talking about, um, wieners..."I mean, I just had fun with it, man," Tanner said. "People would be out there barbecuing and stuff, cooking a steak, I'd be out there, you know, with my sausage dangling, hanging out."

PS: Tanner also proves what they say about men with big feet. His shoe size? 15!

—Reporting by Kirstin Heinle

It's raining, it's pouring...

We don’t always have the coolest soundtrack happening in our house. It’s not for lack of trying--we do play the Beatles, They Might Be Giants and lots of other good stuff around here. But sometimes, Girlfriend just wants to hear something kinda kid-like and corny. Nothing wrong with that. Those songs are all harmless. Right?

Until we got to the good old-fashioned favorite “It’s Raining, It’s Pouring.”

A: He bumped his head?
ME: Who?
A: The man. He went to bed and bumped his head? And didn’t get up…

Oh dear.

ME: It’s just a song. It’s pretend.
A: The man needs an ice-pack?
ME: It didn’t really happen. It’s like a story in a book.
A: The man bumped his head? Went to the doctor?
ME: The man is fine. I promise. He’s all better now.

And then yesterday, as I flicked around the channels trying to check the weather…I noticed an early Michael Jackson video. Actually, The Jackson 5. The perfect kind of music to introduce to Girlfriend. She was riveted. Who wouldn’t be? Young MJ was effervescent, beautiful, insanely talented. Of course, he never saw himself that way.

It was only a couple of minutes later that I realized why the video was on. When they started playing Thriller, I realized it was time to turn off the television. Not sure Girlfriend is quite ready for that.

Michael Jackson. Farrah Fawcett. Ed McMahon. When it rains, it really does pour.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Bachelorette Round-Up "Hey, why's this train slowing down?"

Once again, didn’t manage to see the entire show last night. I try. Really I do. My real life always seems to get in the way of the fake one on t.v. But just missing the first 15 minutes isn’t such a big deal, is it? I think the only thing I missed was the set-up…the guys are going on a cross-country train across the Canadian Rockies. Thus continuing the Canadian tourism fluff piece.

So despite the fact that all the guys are on the same train together…Jillian is having some alone time with Robby the bartender. Who’s Robby the bartender? He’s your buddy, he’s your pal, he fixes you a cocktail just the way you like it. But is he your husband? Uh. No. Jillian seems to know this but still spends a lot of time asking questions. He tells her “I wish I had the vocabulary to say how I feel.” So do we, Robby, so do we.

And then all of a sudden, the train slows down. Robby’s like “hey, why’s the train slowing down?” Jillian’s like, “um. Sorry.” And then Robby’s butt is kicked off the train, standing in the middle of nowhere with his suitcases, waving pathetically. I wonder how ABC pulled this off. Did Jillian wink at one of the waitresses who notified the conductor? Did she pull some kind of hand brake? Hmmm. Suppose we’ll never know.

The other guys are surprised that Robby got the boot. No one more so than Michael Electric Boogalu who actually starts to cry. Yes, cry. There there, Michael. In the meantime, Wes gets his game face on. He tells the camera “if anyone has an agenda here, I do. I have a CD coming out. The more I get of fame, I taste it, I eat it. I’ve got records to sell. So I’ll always have her wrapped around my finger.” I thought it seemed a bit odd that all of a sudden, Wes was coming clean. Like he enjoyed playing the role of villain or something. I’m starting to think his manager left him cue cards because it’s really feeling like he’s got some writers. I don’t think Wes is coming up with “I eat fame, I feel it inside me.” Way too deep for the man who wrote “They say love don’t come easy…” Which someone pointed out is what every single country song in the whole world is about.

I digress, I digress. Next day, Jillian shows up in her red hoodie (a Canadian specialty) and hands out the date card. Apparently, all the guys will be going snow-shoeing (ew) except for Reid, who will get a one-on-one date going snow-boarding (ew with pain involved). In other words, you date a Canadian, be prepared to like snow.

Tanner takes the opportunity to help Jillian with her boots, since it’s the closest he can get to her feet. Jake rolls around with Jillian in the snow and tries to tell Jillian her lurves her. He starts out by telling her she is a lot like his mom. I don’t care if your mom is a total rock star, most women don’t want to hear that. And then Kimpton interrupts and has a total make-out session with Jill. We’re talking hands on thighs and everything.

In the meantime, back on the train, Reid is bored. He is trying to get himself psyched up for his one-on-one date with Jillian. But he has no one to talk to. So he chats up the waitress on the train. She suggests that he not wear his glasses nor his hat. Then we see him talking to some conductor type, too. This guy says to be honest with his feelings. Reid says “I tend to overanalyze.” Reid is being portrayed as the neurotic one. Why? Because he wears glasses! And as we find out later…he’s Jewish! So if Wes is the Villian, Reid is Jerry Seinfeld.

Back on the group date, evening falls. Michael Electric Boogalu decides to step it up a notch. He starts a game of something like Truth or Dare but more just like Truth. He asks Jillian what she sleeps in. Tank top and underwear. And then Jillian starts asking the other guys what they sleep in. Only Tanner decides to illustrate. He peels off all the way down to his bikini underwear and says “that’s what Daddy wears.” Yes folks, I can’t make this stuff up. Jillian pretends to be horrified but still checks out his goodies, despite claiming she “isn’t ready to see anyone’s package yet.”

And then Jillian and Tanner have alone time and Tanner gets to rub Jillian’s feet. He says “they are soft as sh*t” which is always a nice visual picture. And then he says “she has high arches and if her toes were painted Mango, Mango..her feet would be a 10.” Again, I stand by my conviction that Tanner was nothing more than a plant…he is too one-dimensional to be an actual person and he is playing the part of Foot Fetish Weirdo a little too ridiculously. Note the ridiculous eye bulging as he touches her feet.

Then Jesse has alone time with Jilly and says his parents would fall in love with her. And then poor Michael Electric Boogalu tries to convince her that she has to come home with him or his parents and dog will disown him.

Later that night, Tanner owns up to being the one who told Jillian someone had a girlfriend. Wes gets instantly defensive, saying that he hates tattletales. In case you were wondering if were back in grade school, we know officially are with the use of the word “tattletale.”

Next day, the date with Reid aka Jerry Seinfeld. Reid attempts to snowboard. He mostly falls on his butt. She tells him her dream is to marry someone where every day is like Christmas morning. Reid says “in my world, that means no presents.” Jillian looks confused because she has never actually met a Jewish person before. Except Jason of course and I’m not sure she ever really was aware of that. Reid tells her that if you have red ears you either have high blood pressure or you are horny. And then he hands her some green m-n-m’s.

Evening part of the date…they are going to make fondue. This freaks out Reid because he is a germaphobic, something I can relate to. As we speak, I've got a bottle of Purell on either side of me and hand wipes in my bag. If this guy has problems with fondue, why doesn’t he have a problem with making out with a girl who has kissed like five other guys the night before? He’s going to have some serious issues during the overnight dates.

Anyway, despite the fact that Reid and Jillian have nothing in common, they decide they like each other and she gives him a rose. Which Reid promptly cleans off with a Clorox wipes before touching.

And now it’s that part of the show when we’re reminded there is a host. Jillian has a conversation with Chris the Dork Harrison about how she’s feeling. She says Wes is a Southern gentleman. Jake is gorgeous but too serious. Tanner keeps talking about the other men. And Michael is basically a child.

Okay. Here’s how the rose ceremony netted out. Keep in mind that Kimpton and Reid already have roses.

1st rose…Jesse

2nd rose…Wes….major eyerolls from the rest of the guys

3rd rose…Michael Electric Boogalu

Really? I mean, honestly? Jake goes home and Electric Boogalu stays? Is this guy really the potential future father of your children? Can you say “the producers forced me?”

In the meantime, Jake has a pity party for himself saying nice guys always finish last. Which leads me to believe that despite him being super-hot, he is always getting dumped. Hmmmm.

Next week, Jillian meets the families. Except for Wes, who introduces her to his band. Did he mention he has a CD coming out??

Have a good week, guys.


"Hey, why's this train slowing down?"

If you watched last night's show, then you know the answer to this question. Basically, poor Robby was left by the side of the railroad tracks in the middle of the Canadian wilderness. Hope the moose are friendly up there.

In the meantime, the sexual dysfunction issue did not rear its ugly...oh, I can't even say it. Apparently, that will be saved for the overnight dates.

More to come later,

Monday, June 22, 2009

Don't forget...

Bachelorette tonight. It's the sexual dysfunction episode...should be a winner...


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Bachelorette Round-Up..."You smell like snow, flowers and gasoline."

So last night was a very exciting show for me since I actually watched almost all of it in one sitting. This never happens anymore. Not to say we did not get one or two nocturnal visits from a toddler in cat pajamas but hey, it wasn’t bad. And no, we did not give her Benedryl.

I actually started watching the show from the point where Michael “Electric Boogalu” was on a one-on-one date with Jillian. Anyone else but me getting strong gay vibes from him? Like he is cute and charming but clearly not straight. They are at some wine bar and Michael is pretending he knows something about wine. They drink champagne. By the way, no guy on the planet likes champagne. He says “it’s the best champagne I’ve ever had.” It’s like, the only champagne he’s ever had since he is barely 21. Jillian asks him if he is ready to settle down. He says “I’m cheesy. If a girl kisses me on the mouth, I’m in love.” Jillian looks at him in that pathetic way you might look at the kid in class who cries when he has to give an oral report and says “why did you really come here?” This stumps Electric Boogalu. He says “I haven’t been on a date with a girl…or man…since then.” I think it was a joke. Hmmm. Maybe it was all that wine but Jillian gives him a rose. Maybe she just wanted to see him do that pop-n-lock move again.

Next day…a group snowmobiling date. Oh, I forgot to mention, they are up in Whistler. Yup. Still doing the Canada thing. Apparently, Jillian is a true Canadian because she never looks like I do in the snow which is cold, runny-nosed and miserable. Nah, she looks downright chipper. She has some alone time with Robby the Bartender. For some reason, I keep forgetting this guy exists. She interrogates him about whether or not he is ready for a family. He claims he is. Jillian does not think he is the guy with the girlfriend. Next, she has alone time with Tanner. I am pretty sure she is only keeping him around to see if he will tell her who the guy is with the girlfriend. He will not say, only advising her “keep your eyes open and you’ll see who is here for the right reasons.”

As if on cue, Wes pops out of the snow, guitar in hand. They make out and talk about the rose ceremony. Wes says he was pretty pissed out about it and says “all the guys think it’s me with the girlfriend and I have a new CD coming out.” I don’t see the connection here but he someone manages to say “I have a new CD coming out” yet again in the conversation. Then he carves it into the snow. Jillian concludes that he is definitely here for the right reasons and the fact that HE HAS A NEW CD COMING OUT has absolutely nothing to do with it.

And then it is night time. Time to hang out in the freezing cold snow by the fire! Seriously, how is her nose not red? Ah yes, a make-up artist. Maybe I just need to travel with one of those all winter. Jillian has some alone time with Kiptyn. And there is kissing. Ladies and gentleman, there is tongue. Lots of it. And not the kind you serve on rye bread with mustard.

She has alone time with Reid. He tells her she smells good, “like snow, flowers and gasoline.” Ha ha. That Reid is a card. Seriously, though, Jillian says. Who has a girlfriend? Reid says, we all do except me. I have two wives. Ha, ha, Reid! Knee-slapper.

Meanwhile, Ed is getting moody. All of a sudden, his boss tells him he needs to come back to work or get fired. In reality, I think he has realized that Jillian, while a nice enough girl, is not perhaps one worth battling ten guys for and certainly not worth losing several paychecks over. But this is not what Ed tells Jillian. He tells her she is exactly what he’s looking for. Jillian gives him the rose in an effort to convince him to stay.

Next up, a one-on-one date with Jesse. Now, I happen to think Jesse’s pretty cute and he’s a winemaker. Plus he doesn’t have spiky hair or do pop-and-lock moves, which makes me like him even more. He and Jillian are going on a Canadian’s fantasy date…hanging out on their own private glacier. Some people dream of a fantasy island, others a huge chunk of ice. Jesse and Jillian frolic in the snow. They kiss but it is fairly innocent. Mostly they keep talking about how this is the most AMAZING DATE EVER!

And then it is night. Jillian tells Jesse she is willing to put her life in someone else’s hands for a couple of years and move. Jesse tells Jillian her voice is so sexy it makes him want to fall asleep. This somehow leads to them making out in the hot tub. She says there are major sparks. He says he won’t be able to sleep that night. Everyone is happy. Until…

The next day. That's when Mopey Ed announces that he’s going to leave the show. He can’t even look like he’s that sad about going. However, he does attempt melancholy by telling Jillian he wants to keep the rose she gave him. What’s he going to do with it, press it into a book next to his Prom tickets? Jillian tells Ed not to let work get in the way of a person you are crazy about it. This is easy for her to say when she’s got like ten other guys to pick from.

The rest of the show after this is boring. Lots of Jillian whining and crying in the snow about Ed’s departure. Come on, ABC, this is the best you’ve got? It gets so boring, our dorky host has to step in and interview Jillian about the way she’s feeling. She says Tanner needs to focus on her more and Jake is too perfect. Well, what’s wrong with being perfect, I say? She’s nuts if she drops him and keeps people around like Wes WHO HAS A CD COMING OUT SOON. LOOK FOR IT IN WAL-MART IN CHINCHILLA, MEXICO.

Rose ceremony time. Jillian skips the cocktail party and gets right down to business. Basically Mark gets kicked off. Right now you’re probably thinking who? Exactly. You won’t miss him.

Next week on the Bachelorette….it appears that someone gets an overnight date with Jillian. Only…Houston, we have a problem. Did they really mention erectile dysfunction in this promo? Seriously? ABC, you have no shame. And I love it.

Good times, people. Good times.

Have a great week,

"You smell like snow, flowers and gasoline."

Decent show last night, I thought. Though Wes is still there.

I hope to get the rest to you by the end of the day.

Have a good one,

Monday, June 15, 2009

Something trivial...and not-so-trivial too....

Firstly, the Bachelorette is on tonight at 8pm Eastern time. 2 whole hours, if you can stand it. Though if Wes gets kicked off, it might be worth watching.

Okay, here's the not so trivial part. I heard a story on NPR that really stuck with me and I wanted to share it. Did you know that the number 1 cause of death for women in developing countries is childbirth? Not malaria. Not AIDS. But simply trying to become mothers.

Did some looking around online and found this site:


This organization is trying to help women in developing countries get transportation to hospitals, family planning and emergency obstetric care. According to this website 762,932 women died just last year. That is astounding to me.

Anyway, instead of procrastinating on Facebook today (like I usually do)...check out this site. It's really eye-opening and it makes you want to do something. Which is why I'm sending it to you now.

Have a nice Monday.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Bachelorette continues....

Okay. So. I'm back.... though I never got to watch much of the group date. Or the end of the date with Kipton. But last night, I did manage to catch the super-awkward attempted kiss by David.

Now. David’s got problems. He’s got crazy eyes. The only possible reason why she could possibly be keeping him around are the producers. Like seriously, I’m not sure he hasn’t killed someone yet.

The worst part is, David’s the type who assumes you want him to kiss you. Ever met one of those? You already know he’s a bully with the guys, turns out he is with women too. He insists Jillian wants to kiss him. She’s like, um…no. And he’s like, you totally want me. Girlfriend is giving the Heisman…but he still keeps going for it. And then he has the nerve to like, inappropriately touch her shirt. I believe a couple of you told me he also slapped her on the butt. At that point, I would take the rose and swat him across the face with it. David, who apparently is familiar with the river called Denial, says “she’s holding back…she’s testing me and I love it.” Jillian in turn gives the rose to Jesse the wine maker.

Next up, a two-on-one date, meaning one guy goes home and one stays. The date is with Mike, the confident Speedo guy and Mark the…hmmm. I barely remember Mark. Why? Because he’s a member of the spiky-hair brigade and he looks like ten other guys in the house. Mike lays it out on the line with Jillian, running over to her and scooping her up, holding her hand in the helicopter and telling Jillian there isn’t anything he would do to make her happy. Mostly, Mark sits there with his mouth open, not saying much. When Jillian says she wouldn’t be okay if she didn’t find a mate, Mark says he’d be fine buying a dog and moving to Alaska.

So who do you think the rose goes to? Hmmm…let’ s think about this for a moment. Who is the suitable mate here? Yup. You’ve got it. Mark, the guy who will be happy in his igloo with a view of Russia. Naturally.

Back to the mildewy hotel. It’s cocktail party night. Jillian spends some alone time with Reid and his totally cool glasses. I can’t tell you how much better I think he looks with them. Just more interesting. They smooch. And you know what? These two actually look like a couple.

Unlike our friend Wes. Wes doesn’t have many friends in the house. Jake says “there is the side to Wes that she sees and the one the rest of us see.” For some reason, Jillian insists upon making out with him. Tanner tells Jake that Wes has a girlfriend. Of course, Tanner has a boyfriend...so who is he to talk?

Unfortunately, Tanner makes the mistake of telling Jillian that one of the guys has a girlfriend. This sends Jilly into a tailspin. The rose ceremony consists of the most ridiculous stand-off in Bachelor history. Chris tells everyone the rumor that someone has a girlfriend and everyone spends most of the time denying and it telling everyone else around them “to man up” and admit it. Scintillating television, I gotta tell ya. Of course, no one admits jack squat.

The only good news? Crazy-eyed David and Juan are out. Juan declares that he and Jillian “will be friends forever.” David is , well, angry. He whispers to Jillian, “why?” Because you’re a psycho, dude. He still thinks the reason he’s out is because “someone threw him under the bus.” Yes. You did.

Tune in next week when it appears that Jillian continues to badger Tanner into telling her who has the girlfriend. Could this be the end of Wes? “You know love don’t come eeeasssyy…”

Good night,

P.S. My apologies for any typos...it's late and I'm tired.

Bachelorette Round-Up...first half...okay, first quarter...

I’m trying,guys. Really, I am. But the show is just not that interesting this season. I’ve seriously considered skipping the blog on it because…not only is the show kind of boring, I’m not sure anyone I know is actually watching it. If you’re watching this season, let me know because so far, I think it might just be me and Stacy Kay.

The big news this week? Everyone’s going to Vancouver! Yay! Home of the really yummy sushi, friendly people and no sunshine ever, at least not when I’ve ever been there. And where is everybody staying? Um…the Fairmont? Really? Really? There are lots of nice hotels in Vancouver. This isn’t one of them. It looks nice on the outside. Let me assure you, it is not. We stayed there once during a shoot and it smelled so old and mildewy, we had to check out. So when all those guys seem impressed by the Fairmont suite, please know they are being sarcastic.

Jillian has a one-on-one date with Kiptyn. It didn’t occur to me until last night that Kiptyn is like a better-looking Jason. Thankfully, his eyes are not quite so close together. Jillian and Kiptyn are going to kayak to Granville market to pick up food for dinner. And while I’m happy that I actually know where they are talking about and it’s nice, I stifle a yawn.

Kiptyn and Jillian talk about how wonderful it is that they both do charitable work. And then the computer I was watching the show on decided to stop working. I tried to make it work. It laughed at me. I called tech support, hoping upon hope they would not ask why I was watching the Bachelorette during work hours? My defense…if asked…would be…it was lunchtime! I thought I was allowed! No??

More to come later….I promise.

"What happens when you make it big and all the girls want you?"

This is Jillian talking about Wes. Hmmm. Why do I think this isn't going to happen?

More to come later...


Monday, June 8, 2009

Don't forget...

Bachelorette tonight starts at 8pm. Hold onto your seats for two of the longest hours of your life.


Friday, June 5, 2009

The scoop on poop

I was smug. I fully admit it. When A. started using the potty before her 2nd birthday, I was feeling rather proud. What is all this nonsense about children refusing to use the potty, I thought to myself? Clearly, that is a problem for other people. People with inferior children.

All I have to say is, ha.

While we started out strong, as we are nearing A.'s third birthday, she is not potty-trained. Dare I say, we are not even close. Oh sure, she will occasionally throw us a bone and give a little tinkle in the potty. But when it comes to poop, there is no way, no how, no doing.

She totally knows when she is going to do it, too. In fact, she makes a big show of it...must go to a specific corner....must have her hand held....must discuss the contents (a little tiny one vs. diarrhea). By the way, if you're reading this while eating breakfast or something, you may just want to stop now, it isn't going to get any better from here.

The bizarre thing? Lately after she poops, she insists she "wants to see it." We thought this was a fabulous opportunity to encourage her to use the potty so she could see it better. In fact, we told her, sometimes you make poop in fun shapes:

A: Like play-doh?

ME: Yes. Only you don't play with it.

A: No?

ME: Definitely not.

A: I can make a heart?

ME: Sure. Maybe.

A: Or a star?

ME: Um...

A: How about a snake?

ME: Yes. You could definitely do that.

A: Can I make a hot dog?

ME: Yes. Only you absolutely must never, never eat it.

A: I made one like a hot dog once. In the bath.

ME: I remember.

Mind you, this little chat has not in any way encouraged more pooping on the potty. But she did tell me her Ernie doll did it. Apparently, he made a duck.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Bachelorette Round-Up....Kind of

Is it me or is the show super-incredibly boring this season? Now I think Jillian seems like a lovely, low-key person but that doesn’t always make for the best television. I’ll take Deanna and her stupid white jeans any day of the week.

In the meantime, I really don’t have enough material for an entire update so instead here is a list of random observations (and who I'm referring to):

1. If a guy claims he’s looking for a unicorn and he’s not joking, probably not the best candidate for the father of your child. (Sasha)

2.When a guy says “he’s used to being the top dog” and looks like he might want to kill someone and possibly already has…perhaps you should not give him a rose. (David)

3.If you’ve been in a car accident where a truck landed you on your back, collapsed a lung and paralyzed your legs, perhaps driving like a maniac is not the best plan? (Sasha)

4.If a crazy-eyed dude who is much bigger than you insists you should not walk towards him, maybe you shouldn’t. (Juan)

5. If a guy seems to notice what you are wearing more closely than you do (“yes, you were wearing a pink hoodie, you looked great) and seems like the kind of person you’d like to go shoe shopping with…maybe you are destined to have more of a Will & Grace relationship. (Juan)

6.If a guy wants to touch your feet all the time, and says he wants to “suck them and tweeze them”…maybe he’s being paid by ABC to make an ass of himself? (Tanner)

7.If you make out with several guys all in the same night, shouldn’t you at least chew some gum in between each one? (Jillian)

8.If a guy keeps trying to serenade you every time a camera goes on, perhaps meeting a woman isn’t his only reason for being on the show. (Wes)

9.If a guy claims he is a “drifter” only dresses like a geeky banker, he’s not really a drifter. (Brad)

10.If you spend two hours watching something that makes you yawn…and even more pathetically TAKE NOTES ON IT….perhaps you need to get a life? (That would be me.)

That’s it, friends. Enjoy the rest of your week.

"I'm here to suck on some toes."

Quality television, my friends. Quality. More on the show later.


Monday, June 1, 2009

Bachelorette's on tonight at 8...

that's 7pm for those of you in Central time. Way, way toooooo early for me...but just thought you should know.

Friday, May 29, 2009

People who you'd think would be taller...

but they're not. At least not in real life.

When you live here, you inevitably see famous people. Of course, it is against the cardinal rule of being a New Yorker to in any way acknowledge them. It doesn't mean you can't make your own personal observations.

People You'd Think Would Be Taller:

1. Mayor Bloomberg

2. Al Roker

3. Barbara Walters

4. Elmo

5. Katie Couric

People who are much cuter in person:

1. Alanis Morisette

2. Ryan Reynolds

3. Jerry Seinfeld (surprising but true)

4. Brian Williams

5. Jennifer Connelly (but waaaay skinny)

People who are exactly as you thought they'd be:

1. David Spade

2. Tom Arnold

3. Steve Buscemi

4. Stacy London

5. Tim Robbins

Feel free to add to my list...

Happy Friday,


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Big Men's Speedos

Three words that really should never be put together.

Yet...thanks to what I wrote in my bachelorette blog yesterday, Google Ad Sense decided to advertise them on my blog.

Thankfully, without any visuals.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Jillian...part two

Jillian picks up Jake wearing a black fringe dress and red go-go boots. I can’t decide if I like or if it’s awful. Jake dons the ever cool khakis and blue shirt, making him look like he works at Banana Republic. Jillian says “Jake is very good-looking but a little conservative.” Ya think? So she takes him to some honkey tonk place and makes him try on clothes. I’m all for getting the guy out of his frat boy wear but I’m not sure this is much of an improvement.. Though you’ve gotta love the moment when Jillian buttons his belt buckle. You could practically hear the ABC producers in the background egging her on…careful, Jilly. Last time this happened you were doing softcore porn scenes in a hot tub…

Meanwhile, Jake is planning their wedding. This is the kind of guy who seems ready to propose at any given moment. They two-step together and she is amazed at his ability. Duh. The guy’s from Texas. Jake says “What would you say if a black car picked you up and had your bags all packed and one morning you were in Belgium for waffles?” She says she would love it. Jillian says “I know I could my hand my life over to Jake and he would take care of me. And that’s what I need.” And the women’s movement takes another giant leap….backwards.

Jake eagerly says “you want to get married out of this?” And Jillian hesitates. And that my friends, is why I firmly believe she will not be accepting a proposal this season. I just don’t think it’s going to happen.

Meanwhile, they both agree that they are spontaneous. Do spontaneous people really talk about being spontaneous? As if to prove how spontaneous he is, Jake plants a wet one on Jillian in the middle of a conversation. And then…the stage moves back and out pops Martina McBride. Apparently, she’s a legend. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jillian. I have no idea what she sings, but okay. I’m a little out of the country music loop since the only ones on my iPod in that genre are Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline and Dolly Parton. But okay, Martina. The two of them dance to Martina, impressed by their two-stepping ability. Jillian says “this is someone I could spend a lot of time with.” Jake is planning what color tux he’ll wear at the wedding.

Next day, next date. It’s a group basketball date. Who’s at an advantage, Dave because he’s tall and a hothead. Who’s not? Juan. As Tanner B puts it “Juan is lacking some testosterone.” Of course, so is Tanner B. Simon the Englishman is also at a decided disadvantage, despite having height on his side. I think I could dunk on that guy. Jillian is pretty sucky too.

And then…Jillian invites four of her friends to play. Friends that happen to be Harlem Globetrotters. Hello…MeadowLark Lemon? You mean Kobe wasn’t available? Anyway, the Globetrotters spend most of their time balancing balls on their fingers but still manage to beat the crap out of the guys. They do choose Dave as the guy they like best for Jillian. This does not earn him a rose but he does get a jersey out of the deal.

And then they walk down to the beach and Mike runs into the freezing cold water in his speedos. For some reason, Jillian thinks this is “frickin’ awesome.” Then they get all gussied up and go to Viceroy Hotel in LA and I’m thinking, ew I hate that hotel just at the same moment Jillian says “we’re having drinks at my favorite hotel.” I realized the producers force her to say this but man, that is the dumbest, most scene-y hotel in the world. Except for maybe the Roosevelt which I hate even more.

Anyway, Juan spends most of the evening saying silly things to Jillian like “Your eyes are a piercing green.” Dave spends most of the night plotting how he wants to kill Juan. Jillian loves smooching Kiptyn, who lets her know he’s normally the heartbreaker. Retreat, retreat! And the rose goes to…Mike for having the balls to strip down to the teeny, weany bikini (no pun intended).

Cocktail party time. Tanner grabs Jilly’s feet to get a better look. Robby is mixing up a fancy Robmo drink in the hopes of enticing her. And Wes is doing his creepy Wes thing, telling Jillian he’s going to write a song for her.

And then ABC does their stupid thing where they let the guys vote which guy they’d like to see leave. They choose Juan. Jillian gives him a rose so he can stay. Dave is pissed. And falling into the category of any impression is better than no impression, Brian decides to take off all his clothes and jumps in the pool. Jesse says “It’s like watching a bad car accident.” Tanner notes the amount of “shrinkage.”

Rose ceremony time. Juan, Wes, Jake and Mike have roses and are safe. Here’s who gets the rest:

Rose #1 Jesse
Rose 2 David
Rose 3 My husband was talking so I don’t know who this person was, sorry. Let me know who I forgot.

Rose 4 Sasha

Rose 5 Mark

Rose 6 Michael Electric Boogalu

Rose 7 Tanner P the foot guy

Rose 8 Kiptyn

Rose 9 Reid

Rose 10 Robby

Rose 11 Tanner F. Can we lose a Tanner, already?

Rose 12 Brad

Who’s out? The guy who got naked and said “it was cold so I was hung like a light switch and that’s why I’m out.” Simon. Julian. And Mathue who went bu-hu-hu. Sorry, if he can misspell on purpose, so can I.

In the meantime, sorry this is late and I apologize for any misspellings….I just have no time tonight and my dear daughter is still chatting in the other room and possibly about to get out of bed. So…I promise to have better grammar next time.

Have a good one,

Bachelorette Round-Up #2...the first half, anyway

I actually have to do something tonight so…I’m going to blog until it’s time to go and then I’ll finish up later. Plus there is something kind of disturbing about staying late to blog. Particularly when it’s about the Bachelorette.

So I watched the second half of last night’s show last night and the first half at lunch today. Either way, my reaction to this season so far is…eh.

Like, I think there are enough quirky guys to blog about. But I’m still having trouble telling all the spiky haired dudes apart. There are too many Tanners. And there are at least three guys of questionable sexuality, at least in my opinion.

But I’ll start with the official beginning of the show…with Jillian sunbathing in her bikini. Like I care. The guys are all stuck staying in something called a “bunkhouse” with only one shower. If the guys get a rose on one of the dates, they are invited to stay up in the mansion with Jillian. The first date is with Michael, Brian, Brad, Tanner B, Wes, Sasha, Ed and Mathue. Dude, you know any guy named Matthew who insists on spelling it Mathue is a tool. He’s not from anywhere exotic so you know it was all his idea.

Anyway, the guys are all excited to have a pool party with Jillian. Electric Boogalu Michael uses one of his fancy pop-and-lock moves to run off with Jillian for some alone time. After a few minutes alone, Jillian runs off to grab the rose. Electric Boogalu is rubbing his hands together, thinking he’s going to get his hands on the rose. He envisions what fancy breakdance move would be perfect for the occasion. A backspin? The Worm? The possibilities are endless.

Only he is not getting a rose. In fact, Jillian has run off with the rose in her Mini-Cooper, who apparently sponsored this episode since they spend the first half of the show riding around in them. She is sending the guys on a wild goose chase to try and reach her. I mostly thought it was a stupid, contrived way for ABC to use up some air time. Because really, who needs two hours of this?

Long story short, they pair up the guys and make them go on a scavenger hunt to reach Jillian. The first two guys to get to her win…only catch is, only one of the guys gets a private date with her. My favorite team had to be Electric Boogalu Michael and Foot Man Tanner B. who looked more like a couple than potential suitors. Anyone else getting that feeling? Meanwhile, Brad and Wes are ready to kill each other with Brad as the self-proclaimed brains of the operation. I’ll spare you the boring details but these two manage to pull it off. Brad claims he is the reason they won. Jillian rewards him by choosing a private date with Wes.

Now. Wes is not my thing. He seems well, stupid. He’s got all the swagger with not much to back it up. I say if you are one of those women who love men with guitars, fine. But let him be a real one, a rock star type, not of this I-had-a-hit-song-in-Chinchilla,Mexico-types. Country singers? As if.

But Jillian is digging him. In fact, she says her girlfriends would consider Wes just her type. And she worries “Am I his type? I need to protect myself a little bit.” Wes constantly has that “what?” look on his face that you just want to slap off. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Jill and Wes, the guys can watch their date at the bar upstairs. Brad is still whining about how he should be there. Jillian leans in to kiss Wes and the guys all groan. I do, too. The guys say “he’s been rosed.”

Next day, next date. It’s a one-on-one date with super dreamy Jake. I have to say, this dude seems a little too perfect. A little too cute. A little too ready to walk down the aisle. A little too much like…Jeremy from the Deeanna season. Hmmmm.

And that is it for now, my friends….more to come later tonight….


"When he ran out in his Speedos, it melted my heart."

So I missed the first half of the show yesterday. Who knew it started at 8 instead of 9? Not me, apparently.

I'll try to catch the rest of it online and blog later.


Friday, May 22, 2009

Why Jane Eyre kicks Jane Austen's butt

I will admit. I spent all last summer wrapped up in Jane Austen books. It's a pretty place to be in...wandering around the moors, exploring the English countryside, hoping a rich man will marry you. Not exactly "I am woman here me roar" kind of material. But all of well-written. And at least Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Prejudice) had some backbone.

And then I picked up "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte.

Somehow, I had missed reading it in school, instead reading Emily Bronte's"Wuthering Heights" which is basically a tale of obsessive love. Heathcliff would seriously be under house arrest for stalking these days. "Jane Eyre" is so much better and so much more "girl power" it's not even funny.


Here is my two second book report on it. Jane is described as plain, small, an orphan. But she's feisty. Even as a kid, when she thinks she is being mistreated, she speaks up to her evil aunt even though it means she might get the boot.

When she's in a boarding school for orphans, everyone around her is dying of some disease or another. Not Jane. Not only that, she notes that since there are less people around, there is more to eat. Somehow, I can't imagine Jane Austen's eternally polite heroines daring to voice what most people would be thinking.

Later in the book, Jane falls in love with her employer, Mr. Rochester. He's kind of a jerk in the beginning, this Rochester. She stands her ground and lo and behold, he falls in love with her. She falls in love in return but gets annoyed when he starts showering her with gifts and treating her like a pampered pet.

For various reasons to complicated to get into here (including the resident madwoman living in the attic), Jane and Rochester split up. When they eventually reunite, Jane has an inheritance and Mr. Rochester has lost his home and his sight. (Ever notice lots of people went blind in the old days?) Meaning Jane's the one in charge. In the end, she basically (not directly of course) asks Rochester to marry her. And they do. Under her terms.

The book isn't perfect. And it isn't all that kind to Rochester's crazy first wife and there are certainly some details of that whole thing that I found disturbing. But mostly, it's a relief to have a heroine who isn't waiting for someone to save her--she saves herself.

Which is more than we could say for the heroine of "Twilight."

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Gillian Bachelorette Round-Up #1

So what do you need to know about the new Bachelorette, Gillian? Well, for one…she’s Canadian. Why do you care? Because in my humble experience with Canadians, they are almost always nice and polite. But you never actually know what they are really thinking.

Like last night’s show, for instance. When a guy called her Hot Tub Harris (a reference to her softcore porn scene with Jason in the hot tub), she was like, ha, ha. When a guy named Greg insisted that she call him Bill-bro, she did. And when the whitest, most feminine man on the planet made her try break-dancing, she gave it a go.

But in truth, she had to be thinking…duuuuude. Come on. This is really the best you’ve got?

Of course, ABC starts out the show with Gillian telling us how heartbroken she is over Jason. In the meantime, we see her in front of all the familiar (to me, anyway) Vancouver landmarks. There she is jogging by the sea wall. There she is in front of the Gastown steam clock. There she is in her generic glass apartment building, which looks like every other glass building in town. Maybe the fact that I was just there last week makes it seem all the more familiar. Or the fact that I’ve been so often I sometimes run into people I know there on the street. Hmmmmm….

Anyway, then ABC (being ABC) has to show a few seriously cheesy clips of Gillian doing things she would never do. Like washing her car in a bathing suit wearing pumps. Or doing an impression of Tom Cruise in “Risky Business.” Or throwing her hat up in the air a la Marlo Thomas in “That Girl.” The fact that I know that reference means I’m really super old.

Oh and really ABC, you could have laid off the bikini shots a little. I get that you are trying to sex up this girl who is simply cute, not a supermodel. Did it ever occur to you that women (the ones who predominantly watch the show) prefer to see someone cute and realistic? Showing her tush every five seconds is so not necessary.

And then we get a preview of some of the guys before we officially meet them. They have to do this. ABC has two hours to kill. Let me just say that overall, I am not impressed with male haircuts these days. What is up with the super-spikey porcupine look? It makes them all look like farm animals.

The highlights? Michael the breakdancer from Astoria. Julian who jumps out of planes, wears bad suits and drives fast cars, which means he is making up for some shortcoming elsewhere. Stephen the New York lawyer with Seinfeld attitude and Kramer hair. Juan the Mama’s boy. Gred “bill-bro” the fitness model. Kyle the so-hip-it-hurts graphic designer who as it turns out has only been a New Yorker for all of six months (smirk). My least personal favorite has to be Wes, the country crooner from Austin. He literally oozes as he walks. I am clapping my hand to my head as I watch this. They should totally have let me cast for this girl. I know they want good television but they also want a love story. And these guys are quite a motley crew.

Okay. Time for Gillian to meet the guys. She tells Chris the Dork Harrison that “you have to slay a few dragons to find the right prince.” And she calls her dream man Mr. Invisible since she doesn’t know what he looks like yet. Let me tell you something. I think he’s still invisible.

First limo, here’s what we’ve got. These are all just initial impressions because I found these dudes hard to tell apart, since most of them shared the same spikey hair-do.

1. Kiptyn. Could have done without the dumb spelling of his name. He’s a cute boy from Cali, a business guy and a surfer dude.

2. Bryan. A big burly Oklahoma high school coach in a very pink shirt. He says…I want to sweep you off your feet. So he does, literally.

3. John P. From Indiana. Kinda stiff. Couldn’t tell you more than that.

4. Brian. An IT consultant. Calls her Hot Tub Harris. I would have sent him right back to the limo then and there.

5. Jake. Okay. This one’s sort of dreamy. He’s a blonde pilot. He gives her a set of wings. This one has potential, I think.

6. Dave. He’s a trucking contractor. I don’t know what that means. Is he a trucker? He’s very large. But he freezes up and can’t talk when he meets her. She tells him to “Man up and have a drink.” Oh sorry, that was me.

7. Tanner. From Kansas. Wearing a very green shirt. Blond, I think? Not memorable.

8. Michael the Breakdancer from Astoria. Shall henceforth be called Electric Boogalu. Am I the only one convinced he’s gay?

9. Robby. He’s a bartender. We literally never see him again. Can you say “filler?”

10. John H. from Idaho. Another porcupine-haired guy.

11. Sasha. He’s very big and apparently Serbian.

12. Brad. A financial guy from Chicago. Wearing a lot of purple. He makes a corny joke and he likes it. Note that Gillian considers herself a “personality” girl and might be charmed by a personality guy.

13. Mathue. Wearing a cowboy hat that has signatures of country stars on it. I’m totally yawning as I type this. Next!!

14. Simon. Englishman from Yorkshire who resembles Lurch. Really ABC? You really thought you had to run subtitles under him? He is speaking English, after all. Further proof ABC thinks we are all idiots.

15. Jesse. A winemaker from Napa. A family business, in fact. Gillian, for this reason alone, you need to spend some time with this dude. Sounds like a good life to me.

16. Julian. Couldn’t get my eyes off the dumb hanky in his suit pocket but does say some nice things to Jillian.

17. Wes. Ugh. This is why I can never live in Texas. I get the feeling the state is crawling with these types of guys. They don’t walk so much as slither.

18. Kyle from Brooklyn. I’m all for being yourself but man, did you really need to bust out the Members Jacket on the first meeting?

19. Adam from Long Beach. He’s an Olympic cyclist. Can’t tell you more about him because we never see him again.

20. Stephen. The lawyer from New York. Doing the Jewish sarcastic thing I am slightly familiar with.

21. Juan. I like this dude. Very earnest. He’s from Argentina so of course ABC busts out…no, not tango music. But something Mexican. Nice work, guys.

22. Caleb. A photographer from Tennessee with painfully tight jeans on.

23. Josh. He’s a lifeguard. You can tell. Too much time in the sun. He looks like someone’s dad.

24. Greg. “Wanna hug it out?” Oy. Insists on being called “Billbro.”

25. Mark. A pizza entrepreneur from Colorado. Taking a page from Gillian’s book, he claims he has a theory about women and pizza toppings. Very original, dude.

And so the fun begins. Here are a few cocktail party highlights. Kiptyn is the only dude that Gillian pulls aside. He tells the camera “she’s a lot more attractive than I expected.” Ouch! Jesse tries to sell her on the vinter’s life “wine is love juice.” Kyle from Brooklyn makes Gillian a pretend mustache tattoo and tries to act like the cool New Yorker he isn’t. Wes the Tool busts out his guitar and proceeds to serenade Gillain. Now, I’m not saying I don’t like guys with guitars. But come on.

For some reason Michael “Electric Boogaloo” and “Billbro” decide to have a breakdance-off. I’m going to assume that mass quantities of alcohol led to this. And then in comes Chris the Dork Harrison who says…surprise! We’re adding five more guys to this mix. I tried my best to take notes on these guys. All I got was Ed from Fort Lauderdale, someone from Philly, Ed from Chicago and Tanner from Texas. Seriously, do we need two Tanners? How confusing. Only this Tanner is wearing a sparkly jacket and has a foot fetish.

My feeling about Tanner the Foot Man? He’s a plant. He is too quirky to be real. He spends most of the party panting after Gillian’s feet in a slightly Humbert Humbert fashion. Finally, he convinces her to dip her toes in the pool to sneak a peek. Apparently, she passes his little test.

The 1st impression rose goes to David, the big trucking guy who can’t speak. Maybe it was a sympathy rose? Here is how the rest of the rose ceremony panned out. I’ll do my best to remember who is who but it got really tricky:

1. Jake. Cute pilot guy. Nice work.
2. Jesse. Winery guy. We’re on the same page.
3. Wes. Ugh! No! Retreat, retreat!
4. Mathue. The one in the cowboy hat. I don’t get it.
5. Michael Electric Boogalu. The producers made her.
6. Robert. Who is he? The bartender?
7. Ed. No idea who this is. One of the new guys?
8. Reid. Wait. Who is Reid?
9. Simon. The Englishman who looks like Lurch.
10. Kiptyn. This name is going to drive me crazy all season.
11. Mike. One of the new guys with big hair.
12. Brian D. Who the hell is he?
13. Sasha. The big blonde Serbian dude.
14. Julian. Big shoulder guy with the hanky in his pocket.
15. Tanner. The foot man. Total plant.
16. Mark. The pizza guy.
17. Brad. The regular guy wearing purple.
18. Tanner M. The ugly green shirt guy. Can we please lose a Tanner?
19. Juan. Cute architect dude.

And there we have it. Stephen from New York is astounded he was let go but says “she’s more country, I don’t even know what they do in the country. Maybe they don’t like awesome guys.” There, there Stephen. Come on back East where you belong. Jon the porcupine from Idaho seems astounded. And then it was time for ten minutes of upcoming scenes from this season.

Lots of stuff with Jake crying. Something about three guys having girlfriends. More Wes strumming his stupid guitar. And someone running by in a Speedo. Now if that isn’t enough to make you want to tune in, nothing is.

That’s all, friends.

Until next week,