Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Ladies Tell All...though I didn't actually see it all....

Something happens in our house on Monday nights. It’s inevitable. I’m all settled in to watch The Bachelor and something winds up going on with Girlfriend. It is like she is bound and determined for me not to watch it. Hmmm. Perhaps she is disappointed in my taste in television or something.

Last night, we had some tummy issues to contend with. Let’s just leave it at that. In the meantime, I will blog about what I know about it. And I will keep it simple and do it in the form of a list for the sake of clarity, since I got most of the show in drips and drabs…and no, this is in not in any way a reference to Girlfriend’s tummy troubles:

1. Stephanie coped with the grief of losing her husband by watching Jason on the Bachelorette. Seriously? Really? Worse, Jason says (without even a glimmer of sarcasm or irony) something like “that’s what this is about, helping people.”

2. Chris Harrison is an even bigger tool than I thought. How about when he asks Jason “what really went on in the tent with Molly” and says “you practically consummated a marriage with Jillian.” What. A. Tool.

3. Jason is a sucky rapper. Duh.

4. Someone at ABC thinks bathtub water slurping noises are like, the height of comedy. How many times did we need to see those clips last night? Why not just get a fart machine if it's all so goddamn hilarious?

5. Trista and Ryan shouldn’t breed. It’s too late…they already have a kid and another on the way. Still. Two of the world’s most annoying humans can only equal super-annoying spawn.

6. Trista’s simpering baby voice is right up there with Celine Dion’s singing voice in terms of torture devices to get people to confess to crimes.

7. Glad to see Bachelor Charlie and Sarah are still together. Sorry to hear the reason he broke up is he’s a lush.

8. Do you care what has happened to the other rejected bachelors/bachelorettes? No? Me neither. But hooray! We get an update anyway! Apparently, Jesse is hooking up with some forgettable blonde from the Matt Grant Bachelor show. And Amanda (from Matt Grant) is bumping and grinding with Graham (from Deeanna’s show). And Fred (from Deeanna’s show) is in love with Noelle (from Matt Grant’s show). All the rejects are hooking up!! Isn’t that fabulous? Still don’t care? Nah, didn’t think so.

9. Thought Natalie was a nightmare before? Surprise! She’s worse than you thought. Defensive, overly tan, overly processed blonde who has managed to alienate herself from every other girl in the house. My favorite part? When she tells Chris Harrison “you need to calm down.”

10. The brass at ABC is already setting up the storyline for Melissa to get dumped. Raising red flags all over the place. We see scenes of Jason’s mom saying “she just like Deanna.”

11. And finally, it appears as though good old Deanna will be making her appearance next week. We see some stumpy legs moving ungracefully out of a car and yup, it’s her all right. Can’t wait to hear the dynamite advice she is sure to offer Jason.

12. In case you’re wondering, next week will not only offer two whole hours of Jason making his selection…but an entire DRAMATIC HOUR AFTERWARDS where we will dissect his selection. Or as the rumor mill has it…where he'll change his mind.

Okay, friends. There’s the show. Or the gist of it anyway. Next week is the big show, so get ready for it. Hopefully, we won’t all be throwing things at the camera and screaming at our little smurf-man, Jay-Jay.

Happy Tuesday,


"The perfect bachelor sounds like coins dropping into a bank..."

Seriously guys, this show is crap. Crap! And the Women Tell All could not be worse. I was startled by Jason's complete ordinary-ness and also astounded by Chris Harrison's stupid questions. And let's just talk for a moment about Trista's simpering little voice...egads.

I promise to write more about this nightmare later. Have a good day.


Thursday, February 19, 2009

Jillian speaks...

go here to read an interview with Jillian. I still say she's the only one on the Bachelor with her head screwed on right.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Bachelor Round-Up…Otherwise known as ZZZZZZZZ

No, I did not fall asleep last night. This could be because it is officially jellybean season so I was popping them in my mouth like they were, well, candy. So I was totally jacked up on sugar and excited for the festivities to begin…. the overnight dates in everyone’s fantasy place of choice, New Zealand.

Now. I’m sure it’s very lovely there and all the hobbits and elves look nice against its backdrop. But still....New Zealand? For some reason, a few years ago, it seemed as though everyone was shooting commercials there. I asked a producer about it and he muttered something about there being more livestock there than people. Which considering how annoying people can be sometimes, may not necessarily be a bad thing. Anyhow…

All I’m saying is…if most of the interesting stuff is what happens INSIDE the hotel rooms, why haul everyone clear across the globe to film the show in New Zealand? Oh right, ADVERTISING. I should know the answer to this by now. Not sure New Zealand actually got their money’s worth though. It just rained constantly….something I’m sure the Seattle-based Jason is used to but it did not make me want to run out and buy a ticket there.

The first date is with Jillian. He picks her up in a helicopter and they run towards each other and smack into each other with so much force, it’s gotta hurt. We see lots of New Zealand footage…pretty mountains, pretty trees, a guy dressed as a hobbit holding a sign that says “come visit.” Jillian keeps telling Jason how into him she is, perhaps sensing that he doesn’t feel the same way. She says “I’m looking for my best friend.” He says “I’m looking for a passionate connection.” Hmmm. They pose on a cliff, doing the Titanic move a la “I’m king of the world!” But they don’t fool me. Girlfriend needs to get busy with Jay-jay and quickly. And stop talking all that “best friends” nonsense. Guys don’t care about that.

So it’s night time and Jillian gets all gussied up in some shiny white dress and black boots. They go to a winery and she tells him he gives her butterflies and that “No one’s more meant for me than you are. By the way…do you have something you want to give me tonight?” Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Honest, she asked him that. How could Jason resist making some kind of off-color joke? Why? Because he has no sense of humor, that’s why. Shame. Instead, he hands her the card to the fantasy suite which Jillian gratefully accepts and says “can you handle a whole night with me?” And Jason, summoning up his best inner Canadian voice says “without a dowbt.”

And then suddenly, we are in soft core porn land. Jason and Jill hop in the hot tub and all of a sudden all we see are close-ups of body parts and rubbing bodies under water and Jillian grabbing his bum. What is up ABC? Aren’t you owned by Disney? Damn! This is not Disney-esque! There was some actual grinding between the legs going on. Shocking! You’d think if the poor girl put out on national television she’d get to stay another week but no. Next!

Next day, next rain storm. Molly does not run into Jason’s arms but she does jog which is better than she did last week on the golf course. He takes her to a bridge where they will go bungee jumping. I’m sorry but that is a sucky date. Between that and the camping date, Molly is getting a raw deal. They make all kinds of puns where they compare jumping off a bridge to entering a relationship and Jason is so nervous his poor little nips are hard. And then they jump. Golf clap.

They drink tea and talk about the experience. Molly says she’s a mess but somehow she is still wearing that damned grey eye shadow she loves so much. Someone must have sold it to her for a lot of money at a make-up counter and she wants to use it. Anyway, Molly has a list of 20 questions for Jay-jay, very important things she must know before marrying him, such as what is your favorite ice cream flavor? You favorite body part? Your favorite place? Very tellingly, he says Greece is his favorite place, probably because he imagines the place is jammed with Deeanna look-alikes. Who doesn’t look unlike Melissa. Hmmmmm.

Jason says “I need to pull a lot out of Molly…we need a serious conversation.” Molly talks about the wall around her heart but tells Jason she is falling in love with him. Then they smooch and she asks Jason her 20th question….”will you spend the night with me in the fantasy suite?” Jason thinks about it for like one tenth of a second and then says yes. They hop into a bubble bath with bathing suits on and Molly says “I look forward to sleeping next to Jason tonight.” Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. By the way, anyone else think there was an excessive amount of rose petals everywhere? Like, the hobbits went a little crazy with it.

Next day, next dame. Melissa sees Jason and does a herkie before landing in his arms. They are going on Winston Churchill’s old boat. Melissa reminds us that she’s always been the dumpee. Jason reminds us that Melissa is just like Deanna and his ex-wife. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, if you ask me. Of course, they find each other totally irresistible.

Mel and Jay jay hop in a hot tub and talk about the fact that he hasn’t met her parents. Dude. Get over it already. I think ABC is trying to create drama where there really isn’t any. Then they have dinner together and continue to harp on the subject. Jay jay seems to feel better when she tells him she really likes her brother. He hands her the card to the fantasy suite. They get there and Mel tells him she is head over heels in love with him. Uh oh. Jason gives her the look. You know the one. Like he’s in love with her. They may as well stop the show now. Put a fork in him, he’s done.

Jason says “Having Melissa to myself all night is a dream come true.” The camera pulls away with them kissing on the bed. No porn edit either so you know they are gearing up for her to be the one.

Okay. There is still like 35 minutes left of the show. Now how are they going to kill time? I hope this means Deanna’s gonna show up but no. All we’ve got is Chris Harrison and his freaking hair plugs, trying to get Jason to talk about how confused he is. Oh and the girls have made a video for Jay jay. He busts into tears when Mel’s face appears. He is so transparent.

Rose ceremony time. Jason is a mess, voice cracking, etc. It must be hard to dump someone you just had sex with a couple of days ago. He lets Jillian go. He walks her out and tells her he felt like they were on the path to becoming best friends. Jillian tells him she dreamed of a life with him and Ty. In the limo ride home, she says she is looking for someone who loves me for me. Jason, you are an idiot. This was by far the most interesting person on the show. If ABC has any common sense, they will bring her back as the Bachelorette, she is cute, fun and actually seems to have a brain. I’m sure they’ll make us watch someone else far more annoying.

Next week is the Girls Tell All Episode. I always personally find these kind of boring but of course, it won’t stop me from watching. I also want to let you guys know there is a blogger named realitysteve who is claiming to have inside information on how the show ends. Supposedly, something is not quite on the up and up….such as maybe Jason changes his mind and proposes to more than one girl or something like that. In any case, I have no idea if he is a crackpot or not but he seems to have ABC trying to spin it their own way. So whatever is going on, Reality Steve has ABC taking notice so he must know something. If you want to investigate yourself, go to realitysteve.com. And no I don’t know him and yes, he seems weird. Just wanted to let you guys know. And I’m telling you, if the big “twist” is Jason winding up with no one, I am seriously writing a letter.

That’s it, friends. Enjoy the week.


So boring....I don't even have a quote for you.

You'd think that when a guy hooks up with three different women three nights in a row that he'd have something interesting to say about it. Well, you'd be wrong.

Seriously, despite ABC's best efforts to keep things spicy (they have obviously hired the editor from Skinamax) it was relatively tame last night. Hottest quote I could find from Jason "I could feel her hands on me." Try to stifle your yawns, people.

I will make my best effort to make this amusing. Wish me luck.


Friday, February 13, 2009

I would be remiss in my Bachelor duties if I didn't inform of this latest development...

even if it comes in the form of another reality blogger, Reality Steve. Here is a link to his site:


Now...I don't normally read this guy...he does a bachelor round-up and so do I and I don't like to read other people's in case they are better than my own. But also because, who has that kind of time?

Truth be told I was snooping around for info on this season and came across this guy's name on several sites. So I went there and discovered this dude supposedly has some "inside info" on what happens in this season's ending. Maybe he's full of crap, maybe he isn't. But he sure has some interesting theories AND he is giving clues every week as to what is going to happen.

Basically, it seems as though there is some possible big "SHOCKER" ending...such as maybe Jason is about to propose to one girl, realizes he likes someone he sent away and then changes his mind at the last second. I can't be sure, there are so many conspiracy theories on there it would make Oliver Stone proud. Still...if you're so inclined, check it out and see if you can make sense of it all.

In any case, it makes me hopeful that the ending will be more exciting than we all thought. And by that, they better not mean a Brad Womack ending or I will be truly sore.

Happy Friday,

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Bachelor Round-Up "Smells a little like chicken..."

So I was all happy that Obama pushed The Bachelor back an hour. I mean….that means that I actually had a shot at watching the whole thing. Of course, I did not bank on being so bored that I fell asleep after the Dallas date. Lame, lame, lame…that’s me.

So the first hometown date is with Jillian in Canada...some place up in British Columbia called Kelowa. I did a google search bc I was curious and apparently it is “the gateway to the stunning Okanangan Valley.” Now as someone who has actually spent a significant amount of time in Vancouver, I can honestly say that I have heard of the Okanagan Valley...it is synonymous with wine. So I assume that there is going to be some wine drinking here bc The Bachelor Show is always looking for an excuse to get people liquored up so they do dumb things on television.

The date starts with Jillian and Jay-Jay running towards each other. Which is good that she reciprocated the jog because it always seemed like Jay Jay used to run toward Deeanna and she wouldn’t run back, which always gave him the appearance of an over-eager pup. Jillian tells him she spent every summer at this particular lake and oh, by the way, there is a Loch Ness type creature named Ogopogo who lives in it and oh yeah, she stepped on it once. Oh, they are wacky way up north. I love Canadia.

Next they head to the Mission Hill winery, which I usually bring home with me when I come back from Vancouver. Though don’t get the ice wine because although it always seems like a good idea when you’re in Canada, no one really wants to drink wine that tastes like grenadine. This is where Jillian spills the beans that although she seems very happy-go-lucky, her mom actually battled depression for 15 years and was in and out of hospitals. But “she got better.” Huh. I didn’t know you could cure this kind of thing…thought it was an demon you just had to continue to battle but hey, if you say so. More wine!

And then it’s off to meet Jilly’s family. They welcome her home with signs and an enormous Maple Leaf flag. Jillian’s dad wraps him up in the Maple Leaf flag and douses him with maple syrup to welcome him to the family. Then they all burst into a rousing chorus of “O Canada.” Hi, ABC? That horse? Quit kicking it, it’s dead.

Of course, we have to hear how Jillian won over Jay-jay with her hot dog theory. Man, she is getting a lot of mileage out of this. Then Mom reads a poem to Jillian that rhymes “grain” and “again” which is very cute. Mom pulls Jay-jay aside and grills him a it, telling him that his BA in psychology will come in handy in the family. They both agree that Jillian has lots of soul, character, depth and layers. It must be all that hot dog talk that makes them all think she is so deep.

And then Jason gets to meet Granny. Granny says “Jason is a very, very beautiful guy….I’m happy for her. I told her I’d take her up to Northern Alberta and marry her off to a Ukranian.” I couldn’t tell if this was a good thing or a threat but anyway, Granny is very, very amusing, ha, ha! Actually, the whole family is pretty charming…really. And it’s not just the Canadian accents, either. I dig 'em, maple leaves and all.

Next day, next date. Jay-jay is meeting Molly on a golf course in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Molly is all prepped up at The Country Club, driving around in a golf course. She says the words Country Club like 50 times, clearly impressed with herself. She seems to think Jay-jay will be impressed too but he looks at her like, what are you wearing. Molly slaps him on the back and says “don’t worry, I brought you some clothes.” And bam, Jay-jay is dressed like a dork too. They both seem to be terrible at golf, despite Molly claiming to have gone golfing every Sunday with her family.

It’s just a laugh riot over at Molly’s house. In case you doubt it, Molly’s mom gets out the funny hats. Ha, ha! They are soooo crazy. And then Mom makes Jay-jay draw a picture of Molly for some reason. And it’s a bad drawing! Ha, ha! Hilarity ensues. In the meantime, Dad tells Molly “whatever you do…you’re a winner. If he doesn’t pick you, don’t cry if he puts you in the limo…just smile.” No wonder Girlfriend sort of reminds me of a Stepford wife…just smile and look pretty….

Next up, a date with Naomi in California. Her parents are divorced and mom’s kind of a hippie. Dad’s kind of a Jesus freak. And for some reason, there is a dead bird hanging around. And they want Jason to say a prayer over it as they bury it. Jason is looking around like….this is a joke, right? For Chris Harrison’s blooper reel? No, it’s for reals, Jay-jay. And then Dad takes Jason out for a little chat about Jesus. Jason the Nice Jewish Boy smiles and nods politely, checking the room for possible exits.

And Naomi’s mom has premonitions. But you already knew I was going to say this. She also says Jason is “an indigo kid” and that they are “in the same soul family” and that Jason in his past life was a mother. And Jason says, “check, please!”

Okay. Onto Dallas. Melissa appears wearing really small white shorts and I assume she has just gotten back from cheerleading practice. She tells Jay-jay he will be meeting her friends but not her family because they are not comfortable with public-ness of the this. You can see Jay-Jay is bummed but what can you do? Her friends all seem cool but oddly enough, have never met her parents either. Quite mysterious. Maybe she was raised by wolves?

And then, I am sad to say, I fell asleep. Marylou and Stacy let me know Naomi got the boot last night, which isn’t surprising and that next week, they are all headed to the overnight dates in New Zealand. Seems like a pretty far place to fly if you’re never going to leave the hotel room but hey, whatever. I’m not the producer. And hopefully our Publicity Whore Friend Deanna will be showing up soon to rustle up some trouble.

That’s all I got, kids. Still, it’s more than last week. Happy Tuesday.

Take care,

"Smells a little like chicken..."

So last night was interesting. I fell asleep before the rose ceremony because I am well, pathetic. But the parts I saw...from the dead dove to the beer hat to the maple leaf flag...were pretty darn good. And by the way, only in Canada does the word "grain" rhyme with "again." Love that, so cute.

Anyway, more to come later...hope you enjoyed the show.


Monday, February 9, 2009

I supppose the President is more important than the Bachelor....

hence, he is pushing the show back an hour. ABC will run the Presidential News Conference from 8-9 and then the Bachelor from 9-11 (Eastern time). Which I don't mind because 8 is really too early for me.

Enjoy the show,

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Bachelor really only needs to be 45 minutes anyway...

and that's all I saw last night so that's all I will blog about. I tried to go onto ABC and Hulu and they both said I had to download stuff to watch it. I tried. Didn't work. And since the husband isn't here to make it work, I'm done trying. Anyway, I don't think I missed much....Stacy and Marylou were kind enough to fill me in on what I missed so yes, this will be a half-assed update this week. Sorry.

Jay-jay took 5 ladies home to Seattle. Don't know why I thought this meant they would meet Ty but they didn't...only Melissa got a little glimpse of him. Like he was some rare bird species or something.

I'm sorry if I'm distracted but it's 10:24 pm right now and my friend is still up and saying the word "mommy" every 10 seconds and I'm trying to ignore it. It's hard. Hmmm....not sure these 24-year-old bachelorette girls really know what they're signing on for....kids seem charming during the day but not necessarily at bedtime. And by the way...I find my own child much less annoying, cleaner and more charming than other people's children, who as a rule, usually have runny noses and bad manners. Something for them to think about...

Now the word "mommy" has expanded to "mommy come here." Patience....

So the part I saw yesterday was when Jason was on a date with STephanie, Jillian and Molly and they go to a radio station for an interview. Because of course, that's what everyone does on a date. The djs ask Jason which of the ladies is the best kisser. Now. When you're currently dating five women,the proper answer to this is..."all of them." Not our Jay-Jay though. He actually picks one! Silly rabbit. In case you're wondering, the lucky winner is Molly...the one he smooched all night in the tent.

And then the Dj's blindfold Jay-jay with a feather boa and make him smooch Stephanie, Jillian and Molly to try to tell them apart. Luckily, each woman has her "signature move"...Stephanie kisses his hands, Jillian sticks her tongue in her mouth and Molly grabs his face. Would you believe he got it right?

Other random notable details of the night....(I caught my 45 minutes in drips and drabs)..Stephanie Botox Mom wears glitter eyeshadow. Really, a bold choice unless you're a stripper, dressed up for Halloween, or about to perform a rock ballad. And you already know my views on the eyebrow issues happening this year. Also...while I appreciate that all the girls do not want to kill each other on this season of the Bachelor, I do question all the cuddling happening....I love my friends dearly but I have never snuggled them in this way. And what's with the acting out of the scene from Lady and the Tramp with two girls eating spaghetti and winding up lip to lip? I think maybe everyone in the house is just drunk all the time. Because I've heard they have no tv, radio, Internet, newspapers so all they're left to do is talk about Jay-jay.

Also...did you get the feeling they were trying to get all Sleepless in Seattle on us last night? What with the houseboat overlooking the harbour and everything. Also...why does Naomi always have her hair in her eyes? Why did all the girls sob hysterically when Jason sent Stephanie packing? And more importantly, what was up with the white fur Steph was wearing and did P.Diddy recognize his was missing? Do you get the feeling that at some point in the show Melissa is going to burst into a cheer? And is it wrong of me to be prejudiced against a person because they choose to shake their poms-poms for a living? What will I do if A wants to do that? After all, there was a brief (very brief) point in my life when I considered becoming a Solid Gold dancer. For reals.

So. Long and short of last night? Stephanie the Botox Mom got the boot. In the end, Jay-jay just couldn't muster up the courage to kiss her very lipglossed lips. Moral of the story...you can like someone all you want, think they are lovely people, etc. But it don't mean a thing is you ain't got that schwing....

That's all she wrote, folks. Sorry for the half-assed update, but that's all I got.

That...and apparently, a sleeping child. Whew.

Good night.

Where have all the eyebrows gone?

that's all I have to say about the Bachelor last night. Everyone needs to step away from the tweezers please.

I will admit that I did not watch the whole show last night. I wanted to....it just was not possible. I hope to watch the rest of it on my lunch hour.

Enjoy the snow,