If you are male and the title of this blog post excited you, you may want to stop reading right now. I'm serious. Stop. Right. Now. It's not what you think. It's not sexy. I promise.
Oh well. You've been warned.
Never in my life have I thought so much about my boobs. Not because they are so amazingly fabulous. But because I am breast feeding. And therefore as a working mom, always pumping. If I am not pumping, I am thinking about when I need to pump next. And where I can do it. And how I can keep it cold.
So you see, I am a bit obsessed.
This was especially apparent on my first business trip since going back to work after maternity leave. What made it especially challenging? I forgot the battery pack to my pump...meaning anywhere I had to pump, I had to plug it in. Nightmare.
This meant that while I thought I might wind up pumping in the airplane bathroom, I did not. Instead, I just stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, watching my boobs swell up like Pamela Anderson. I had to wait until I was back to the hotel for a marathon pumping session while watching a marathon of Sister Wives. Strangely addictive and horrifying at the same time.
Luckily, most of my time on the trip was spent at casting sessions, where I could excuse myself to pump in a very clean and tidy bathroom. Unfortunately, this also meant I kind of had to take over the bathroom for about a half hour, which meant everyone knew what I was up to. More talking about my boobs. I was starting to bore myself.
In case you are wondering, pumping itself can get pretty damn boring. Sometimes I talk on the phone while doing it or go on the computer. I read. I write. Other times, I do exercises. Yeah. I do. Standing up while pumping. You can totally do plies. Squats. Whatever. If I am stuck in a bathroom, it is better than staring at myself in the mirror since I will inevitably spot a new gray hair. Which makes me wonder if I am too old to have a new baby (too late!) and too old to be pumping. But still. Pump I do.
I can't help it; the boy is eight months old and still loves it. Our girl was never a super big fan of it and pretty much gave it up at around nine months. The boy, however, loves it. I would say that is one of his main hobbies in life. It's good for him. It's good for me. So this is why I do what I do.
Plus did I mention it burns a ton of calories?
Worst place I have pumped since going back to work? Probably in an Amtrak train bathroom that hadn't been cleaned in about 50 years. Worst experience? Being walked in on at the office while doing it (should have locked the damn door and he was more horrified than I was). A sign that I no longer give a crap about modesty? Allowing other people in my office while doing it (I was totally covered up and it was only once and the sound was pretty much humiliating for everyone and no, I don't recommend it).
As I type this, I'm sitting on an airplane, counting the minutes until I get home and don't have to pump. When I can feed a real live baby. So I can retire the pump for a day or two. I'm starting to feel like it's my boyfriend, which is not a good sign.