Tuesday, January 26, 2010

"I'm fixin' to get on this RV and I'm so dang excited."

Yeehaw! Thanks for that Ella! I haven't mocked her accent once yet so it was time.

So this week all the Bachelor ladies were forced to leave the comfort of their mansion and hop into an RV and (gulp) go camping. Now, these RV's look pretty plush so I'm sure they can still plug in their spray-tanning machines but still. No one signs up for this thing to go camping. Ella is excited because apparently she has spent her life in an RV park. I spent two nights in one once (accidentally...we thought it was campground) and the power got blown out because so many people were watching a NASCAR event. No joke.

Anyway, Ali and Vienna are in separate RV's which is a good thing otherwise it would be hard to talk about each other. Ali drops about ten f-bombs and talks about how horribly fake Vienna is as she play with her overly-processed blonder than blonde hair. Anyone noticed how many blondes there are on this show with brown eyes? Ever notice you don't see many of those in real life? Because very few exist. Unless you're in Argentina where it is apparently the norm.

Anyhow, they are going to camp in a vineyard. Sounds like an odd place to camp but fine. Jake has busted out the flannel, in case you doubted he was the outdoorsy type.
His first one-on-one date will be with Gia, the New York swimsuit model/hairdresser. Jake says this will be a test of sorts because Gia is "a big city girl FROM MANHATTAN." Oh no....Sodom itself....home of the sinners...Manhattan!! Jake is surprised to discover that Gia isn't scary at all and actually quite child-like, playing hide and go seek in the vineyards. I'm sure there are snakes in vineyards so I totally wouldn't do that. Hell, I don't even like the wildlife in Brooklyn, I certainly wouldn't seek it out where it might live.

Gia tries to convince Jake what a geek she was and how she got her books and shoes stolen from her in school. And then one day, poof! She became into a swimsuit model. Jake looks dubious of this story. He tells her he didn't kiss a girl until he was 16. This I believe. Gia says her first kiss came from spin-the-bottle. And hey! Lookie here! They have a bottle! They play! They kiss! Everyone is happy.

Later in the evening, Jake continues to test Gia's outdoorsy-ness by making her eat hot dogs and marshmallows over an open flame. She doesn't mind, telling him she wants to have two kids and then adopt a baby girl from China. And a pot-bellied pig. Who she will tote around in her very large Birken bag.

Next up is a group date with Ashleigh, Corrie, Tenley, Vienna, Ali and Jessie. They are going dune bugging on the beach. Ali calls dibs on Jake. I didn't know you could do that. What a great idea! You just see a guy on the street and call "dibs!" and he's yours. Ali is getting a little too Mean Girls for her own good. She and her yellow dresses need to go away. When someone asks her what she would do if Vienna got the final rose she says "I'd throw up in my mouth." Little Miss Katherine Heigl wannabe is starting to seem as revolting as well, Katherine Heigl.

And then they go sand surfing. Somehow, I never knew this sport existed. Basically, you get on a surfboard and everyone wipes out and gets mouthfuls of sand. How is this fun? Jake gets to roll around with Tenley. He says "I"m naturally drawn to Tenley." Still, he finds time to roll down the hill with Corrie. Yes, I forgot she was still around too.

Next stop...Falling Inn Love! Don't you just love all the little puns the writers from the show give us? There's a group date at a super fabulous inn where "real live celebrities go" according to Tenley. By the looks of things, not so much. Every room has a theme. The most common theme appears to be tacky. It's gross. Lots of ugly stone fireplaces, aqua furniture, ick. Calling it "eclectic" would be extremely generous. All the ladies get to dress up and have private time in each of the rooms, which are surprisingly celebrity-free at the moment.

And it's short skirt night? Seriously, could the dresses have been shorter? The most pathetic of all is Asleigh. She tells the camera "certain girls are more affectionate than others." And then we see her draping herself across Jakey, giving him the love eyes:



JAKE: uh...you look...pretty.


JAKE: I know she's pretty but I don't feel any chemistry there.

Boy, is Asleigh going to feel stupid after watching this one.

Jake comes out and asks Vienna for alone time. She tosses her extensions and says "I want to be last." Ali and the Mean Girls snicker on cue. Ali goes for alone time with Jake and tries to talk about all the other girls. Jake looks at her with that dazed expression men wear when they aren't listening to you at all. He's like, shut up and kiss me. Well, he didn't say that. But he may as well have.

Next up, alone time with Tenley. Jake wants to make sure she is over her ex-husband. She says she is. They make out as he is curled up in her lap. She demands in her Sleeping Beauty voice "sit up, I want a good one." The bluebirds look on, bat their eyelashes and sigh wistfully.

Vienna gets her alone time with Jakey. He tells her about the other girls "I think you egg it on and bring it on yourself. Sometimes it's better not to say anything at all." Vienna looks confused by this and I ponder how much bigger she really is than Jake and can she possibly crush him? Hmmm.

Jake then goes out and gives the group date rose to Tenley. All the bluebirds high-five. Meanwhile, Ashleigh grumbles about Tenley being too bubbly. Apparently, that's working better than drunk and desperate.

Next up, a two-on-one date with Jake, Ella and Kathryn. I'll spare the minutia of it but basically, Jake ignores Kathryn. Ella interviews him as potential father for Ethan. He dumps then both. Then dramatically, throws the rose in the fire. So. Damn. Cheesey.

And just when you thought is couldn't get any cheesier, it's rose ceremony time. Who's safe? Gia and Tenley. Up for grabs, four more roses.

Rose #1 Ali

Rose #2 Corrie

Which leaves two more roses and three girls. Only....Jakey starts to cry. For reals.

He runs out to find Chris Harrison, asking him for relationship advice. Because really, who better to go to with this sort of thing than a television host with hair plugs?

JAKE: Do I have to give out both roses?

TRANSLATION: I can barely stand to be in the same room with most of these people.

CHIRS: Do you know for a fact that two of them won't be your wife?


CHRIS: So you want us to take away a rose?

JAKE: Duh.

So they do. Vienna gets the last rose. Which means Asleigh and Jessie are out. Jake tells Jessie "you have a beautiful heart." Meanwhile, Ashleigh looks at Jake like she was wronged and then gets outside and shouts at the camera "are you f*cking kidding me?" Hmmm...wonder why he didn't choose you? Hmmmmm...

Meanwhile...Little Miss Mean Girl Ali is practically spitting venom that Vienna is still around. Tenley the Disney Princess gets out her fan to try to calm her down, assuring her they will go hunt for berries in the morning. But Ali is inconsolable, tearing at her (yet again) yellow dress. Next week, they are headed to San Francisco, which is Ali's hometown. I predict she will stay there.

Enjoy the rest of the week,

"I think you egg it on and bring it on yourself..."

Words of wisdom from Jakey to Vienna. Jake was taking no prisoners last night. Good show. More to come later...


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

But wait! There's more!!

You see? I do work in advertising. When I'm not blogging about The Bachelor, that is.

In case you are wondering, blogging can be very profitable. If you let google place an ad on your site, you get money. Why, just this week...I will be getting a big fat check for six dollars. So I can buy a sandwich. Oh wait. Not in this town. I can buy a cup of soup. And a beverage. So exciting.

Anyway....getting back to where left I off...the drama between Jake and Michelle.

JAKE: I think it would be better if you left now.

MICHELLE: I can't believe you're doing this.



MICHELLE: He kicked me to the curb. He gave me a peck instead of kiss. What is that about?


MICHELLE: Jake is not for me.


JAKE (TO CAMERA): That was the right decision.

THE PRODUCERS: Yeah, she scared us too.

Jake returns to the ladies and says "no rose tonight. I need some time. See you real soon." He walks off with his hands in his pockets. And that, my friends, is why I am going on record that I believe Jake will choose no one this season. I have no inside info. Just a hunch.

Okay. Next day, next date. This time with Ella, the single mom who sounds like Peggy Hill. Jake picks her up in a helicopter. They're going to Sea World. And Jake has a surprise. He's invited her son along for the ride. Ella says "Ma little man, oh ma G-d." But....she doesn't look totally completely thrilled to see him. Because now she will totally not be getting any lip action.

But. Then she sees Jakey hanging out with her son. Putting on his jacket for the penguin experience. Giving Ethan a toy plane. In her mind, she pictures buying him a "world's number 1 Dad" mug for Father's Day next year.

Ella says "he's the angel I never expected. I love having a family life, watching soccer games." Hmmm. I'm sure Jake will too. Someday. With his own kid. Not someone else's. Still, he gives her a rose, saying "you're a great mother." Why does that not sound like a marriage proposal to me?

All right. Cocktail party time. Everyone hates Vienna. Especially Ali, who has turned out to be kind of Mean Girl a la the Plastics. Or Heathers. You practically expect her to pop out with "dude, what's your damage?" Meanwhile, Elizabeth-No-Kiss has some alone time with Jake. He tells her she sends mixed signals and she is playing games. Elizabeth opens her wide blue eyes and says "no!" Jake says "some couples elect not to kiss for spiritual reasons." Really? Is kissing not spiritual? I guess I'm not spiritual because I am pro-kissing. And then Jake says "but that's not you. You're a tease, I think."

And then Vienna interrupts. Elizabeth breaks into tears and says "I can get a date any day of the week. I'm very selective." Finally, she gets to have a few more minutes with Jake who tells her "you dangled a kiss like a carrot." Yeah. This girl's getting a rose.

Okay. Rose ceremony time:

Rose #1 Gia

Rose #2 Corrie...I think she'd actually be a good match for him

Rose #3 Tenley

Rose #4 Ali

Rose #5 Jessie

Rose #6 Kathryn

Rose #7 Asleigh

Who's going home? Brunettes! No-kiss Elizabeth is out. Guess withholding your lips is not the way to a man's heart. And Valishia is out too. What? You've never heard of her? Then you certainly will be as surprised as I was when Jake says to her "hug your kids for me." Huh? How many does she have? Who the heck is watching them? Who has childcare for like six weeks solid?

Anyway, next week Gia and Jake get close and the ladies all have to take a bus somewhere, much to the dismay of Vienna. Sounds fascinating.

Until then..


"I'm on Cloud Jake..."

So I can't even pretend that I watched the whole show this week. I couldn't. Our girl wasn't feeling so hot. She had a little episode this weekend that forced her to be on a nebulizer. No, that is not something from Star Trek but this weird contraption that gives them oxygen plus medicine and helps them breathe. It is worse than it sounds.

Anyway, I will fully admit that I let my daughter watch the first few minutes of The Bachelor as we nebulized on the couch. My husband was shouting from the kitchen "is this really a good idea?" Meanwhile, she cracked up laughing as Jake kissed someone. I couldn't tell you who except that she had dyed blonde hair. But that would be the whole cast, really.

A said "this is for grown-ups."

I said, "Well. Sort of."

And then the nebulizing was done and that was the end of A's exposure to The Bachelor. If she decides to dye her hair the color of a highlighter pen or start spray-tanning, I only have myself to blame.

I basically missed the first half hour of the show as we got her to bed. Yes, I could watch it on ABC.com but honestly, I don't have the time and the gist of it is this: Jake went on a one-on-one date with Vienna. She was very excited about it. They bungee-jumped together despite Jake's fear of heights. A pilot afraid of heights? Ok. Doesn't make sense to me, but fine. When I walked back in the room, Jake was talking about how nurturing Vienna was. Next shot...the requisite hot tub scene. More kissing. Vienna is wearing a ruffly bikini and I can't help but wondering how the blond extensions are going to do in the water. Seems okay. Lots of kisses. Lots of shots of Vienna's crossed eyes rolling back in her head as she tells us how she is falling in deep love with Jakey. He gives her a rose. Her extensions give him a high five. She says "the best day of my life will be when I marry him."

Back at the house, we discover there will be a group date happening. They are going to Jon Lovitz's comedy club. Of course, most of these girls are too young to even remember who he is, but whatever. The women will all get the opportunity to write and perform their own comedy on stage. First up, Ali. Her big joke? "Why was Tigger licking the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. "Ha ha! Laugh riot. Next up, Tenley. Girlfriend knows she is not funny so instead she contorts her body so that her legs are behind her head, much to the delight of every male in the audience. Miss-I-Don't-Kiss Elizabeth goes up on stage and starts talking about some guy in Utah with a big schlong. Kathryn seizes the opportunity to drag Jake up on stage and kiss him.

Michelle AKA Bunny Boiler...who looks to be planning a Columbine style attack on the club....begins to critique the kiss. She says "when I have my kiss with Jake, it's going to be tongue in your mouth, pulling hair, ripping clothes off." Not that I think there's anything wrong with living in a fantasy world but..sometimes, real life has to enter into it.

And then Michelle gets on stage. You know the term "uncomfortable silence?" Seems to have been created for her.

MICHELLE: So I notice there are no coconuts on these palm trees. I wonder where they are?

She then pokes herself in the chest with a microphone.


MICHELLSE: I'm waiting for a hole to get some one-on-one.


ALI: Something's a little bit off about Michelle.

Y'think? Even Jon Lovitz looked uncomfortable.

And then it's Ashleigh's turn. She's been freaking out that she has to do this, sucking down the drinks. She tells a few blonde jokes and then scampers off. And then it is Corrie's turn. She does some fantastic impersonations of the ladies in the house. But the best one she does is of Vienna.

CORRIE: I long my long blonde fake hair. I love walking around topless. I love to talk crap about every other girl in the house.

All the girls are laughing hysterically. Who isn't? Jake. He looked concerned. Could he have misjudged her? Uh. Yeah.

It's evening time. Time for cocktails! Tenley the Disney Princess pulls Jake aside and tells him about her past. She tells him her husband had an affair and left her for another woman. The bluebirds put a Kleenex in front of her face and say, "blow."
Jake gives her a hug and they kiss. Someday my prince will come....someday....we'll meet again....

Then all the other girls decide to spend their alone time with Jake talking about Vienna. Really, ladies...accentuate the positive. Guys hate hearing this kind of crap. In the meantime, Michelle is plotting her next move. Elizabeth says "Michelle needs a therapist, not a husband." True. Nevertheless, Michelle get her alone time with Jake.

MICHELLE: I really really really really want a husband.

JAKE: I believe you.

MICHELLE: I think we should kiss.


MICHELLE: Let's kiss.


Michelle plants one on him. Jake keeps his mouth tightly shut and looks like he is in pain.

MICHELLE: You've gotta give me something more than that.

JAKE: I just want this night to be over.


MICHELLE: You know, I can't stay. I want to but not being able to really kiss you hurts. If you want me to stay, I'll stay.

JAKE: I think it would be better if you left now.

Dun dun dun! Sorry to break off at such a crucial moment. But it's getting late and I've got a somewhat sick one at home. More to come later....

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

"My personal life is no one's business..."

Um...sorry but...that is incorrect, Rozlyn. If you're on a reality dating show, your personal life is EVERYONE'S business. Hey, you're the one who signed up for it...

Okay. So it's been a day and maybe you don't care about The Bachelor. I do. More than I should. Despite the fact that Jake is a tad bit uptight.

I will fully admit that I basically missed the first half hour of the Bachelor. Not my fault. I was chasing Girlfriend around the house to get her into her pj's. A difficult task since she would only speak to me in dinosaur language. In case you're wondering, dinosaurs don't wear pajamas.

So by the time I got to the television on Monday, it was time for Ali's big "come fly with me" date with Jake. That's the thing about dating a pilot, you've got to expect he's going to want to fly you places. And Ali's afraid of flying. Excellent! Ali dresses for the occasion in yet another yellow dress. Who has more than one yellow dress? Maybe this is her power color. She attempts to gracefully straddle a motorcycle in it. Seriously, I think it's very rude to pick up a girl for a date on a motorcycle. Does Jake even consider how long she has probably spent on her hair? So rude. Plus you are going to get dirty from the road air and possibly bugs in your teeth.

They get to the airport and the plane is like the size of gnat. I'd be freaking out too. Jake makes a big show of doing his "pre-flight." I hope they gave that girl a shot of something before they went up in the air. Once they are flying, she likens it to "floating." Sorry, but that's not what I want to feel like while in the air. I want to hear lots of engines. But no propellers. I am not a "prop" girl.

Cue "On the Wings of Love" ABC! Of course they do. Giving Jeffrey Osborne about another 2 minutes worth of fame. Ali says "the plane taking off was our relationship taking off." Seriously. So. Cheesy.

Then Ali and Jake get into a vintage car and drive to Palm Springs. They have dinner and Ali tells Jake all of her boyfriends have names that start with J. So obviously, they must be together. Jake flashes his dimples and Ali leans in to kiss him. And then, hark! What is that music?

Jake and Ali run across a park and see a bunch of old guys singing a Chicago song. Wait...those old guys ARE Chicago! The band! You know the ones! Who sing "Saturday in the Park!" And...and....um....someone help me here....

Anyway, Ali and Jake jam out to Chicago. Can you jam out to Chicago? They try.

In the meantime, back at the house, the girls discover there will be another group date. A few girls will not be getting dates this week. One of those girls is Michelle. In case you're forgetting who Michelle is, she is the one who is scary.

When Michelle discovers she is not getting a date, she goes upstairs to pack. Because "what is the purpose of me staying? He clearly doesn't want to be with me if I'm not getting a date with him." Tenley the Disney Princess is horrified. "But you must stay!" she cries. Tenley's deer and bunnies and bluebirds nod in agreement. Michelle zips up her suitcase and puts it downstairs, throwing a dart at her Jake dartboard.

Meanwhile, the ladies and Jake are going to an amusement park. Elizabeth immediately snatches Jake away and reads him a note/poem. Or at least I thought it was poem until I realized it was actually a vaguely threatening note. It says "Don't kiss me until you're ready to kiss only me for the rest of your life." Okay. Well. A bit demanding, if you ask me. I can see not wanting to jump into bed with the guy but come on. Jake says "I respect her values...it's kind of sweet." Excellent values. If perhaps you are in a Jane Austen novel.

After the day at the amusement park, the group daters meet for cocktails. Vienna gets a little sloshy, pulls Jake aside and tells her big secret. I'll try to get this right, it's a bit confusing. At 17, she was engaged to her pastor's son but she called it off. So a month later, this pastor's son got married to someone else. So in retribution...or else just because she's an idiot....she runs off and elopes with the first breathing male she sees (this would make her 18, I suppose) and lo and behold, it doesn't work out. This makes her sob for some reason. And then Ashley with the brown hair interrupts her tale of woe with a margarita and her extremely pink fingernails.

At the end of the night, Jake gives the rose to Elizabeth, the girl who won't kiss. Together, they sit and watch the fireworks and think about kissing. Elizabeth consents to his elbow touching hers. I can't help but think that Elizabeth's rule is just like the prostitute (Julia Roberts) in Pretty Woman who won't kiss her customers but will pretty much do everything else. I wonder if the same rule applies.

Cocktail party time! It's Ella's birthday so she gets a cupcake! I'm sure that makes her feel much better about being away from her son. Michelle tells Jake she packed her bags because she didn't think he was into her.

And then the drama begins! Chris the Dork Harrison comes and pulls Rozlyn out of the cocktail party. He apologizes and says "you entered into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer." The way it was worded, you know it was written by lawyers. He then politely tells her the staffer has been fired and she has to go home. Chris looks like he might cry (as our fellow Bachelor friend Cassie has pointed out) the entire time. Rozlyn looks like a deer in the headlights. Or a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Or...hell, just insert your own cliche here. She goes upstairs to pack her bag while a big fat bouncer-type watches. I don't know why. Do they think she is going to wreck the joint? Meanwhile, Rozlyn's wilted rose looks on. Nice touch, ABC. Trying to add some art to this, are you?

Meanwhile, Jake is disturbed to learn that the hottest girl on the show is getting kicked off. He gets teary-eyed and asks "can I get my rose back?" He watches as Chris tells the remaining girls the news. They all start to cry and I'm like..huh? What the heck is everyone crying about? I hate that. I'm all for crying if there's a good reason and there are plenty of good reasons. But to cry for that? Not acceptable. Clearly, no one here has experienced any real tragedy in their young, surgically-enhanced lives. Jake says "I feel deceived. If anyone else is not sure if they want to be here, pull me aside and we'll talk about."

Tenley is beside herself. Ashley can't believe Roz was "getting it on" with someone else. I can't believe that someone just used the phrase "getting it on." Ali says "f*ck her." Couldn't have put it better myself.

Okay. Rose ceremony time. Ali and Elizabeth have roses and are therefore safe.

Rose #1 Vienna
Rose #2 Gia
Rose #3 Tenley
Rose #4 Ella
Rose #5 Valisha
Rose #6 Corrie
Rose #7 Jessie
Rose #8 Asleigh with the blonde hair
Rose #9 Michelle
Rose #10 Kathryn.

This means that Christina and Ashley with the brown hair are history. Not surprised. Christina was kind of loud in a "I spend a lot of time in a bar" kind of way that would frighten someone like Mr. Pleated Khaki Pants. And Ashley had those kind of big round eyes that might frighten you late at night. Plus she insists on saying "genuon" instead of "genuine" which really irritated me. She did it more than once.

Okay. Next week someone goes bungee jumping with Jake. Vienna annoys everyone. And Jake wells up with tears. Really? Again?

Until next week...


Falling into the category of "So Bad It's Good"...

or maybe it's just sooo bad??

See for yourself:


Okay, must go bachelor blog now.

Watch this space...

at some point today, I'll do the Bachelor Blog. Was in Buffalo all day yesterday so I couldn't make it happen.

More to come!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The rest of it

The Bachelor, that is.

So. Time for Jakie Jake to get to know the ladies better. He claims he is "blown away by beauty." But he assures the camera "I want inner beauty." Uh huh. Right.

First thing he does is pull Ali in the yellow dress away for alone time. She is so excited by this she falls and rips her dress. She tells him she is afraid of flying and hasn't done so for eight years. Excellent match, ABC. She asks him what his top priorities are. He says "G-d. Family. Friends." Sounds like some kind of army slogan or something. Channey tells Jake her lovely landing strip sentence in Cambodian. Jake says "that's so purdy." And then she tells him what it means. You start to wonder if Jake even knows what a landing strip is. Outside of an airport, that is.

Meanwhile, the girls are getting to know each other. Christina notices that "lots of girls have their tatas out to play." Ashley the brunette decides to take things up a notch by dressing up in a vintage stewardess outfit that is literally up to her hoo-ha. All while telling Jake that she is working on her PHD.

Elizabeth the nanny is desperate to get attention so she grabs a football and challenges Jake to a game. Somehow this leads to a game with all the girls, blondes versus brunettes. I have a feeling that the brunettes should have been a much larger team if they were looking at people's roots. Jake plays quarterback for both teams. Which makes sense because some of the women are larger than him.

I know. I'm a height-ist. I can't help help. It's biological, I swear.

In case you care, the brunettes won. Insert your own blonde joke here.

Here a few observations from the night, or at least the night ABC wanted us to see. Michelle is freaking crazy. Crying, freaking out that "her husband Jake" is talking to other women. Rozlyn is beautiful but evil. Vienna likes to touch people. Lots of girls keep talking about their values which means you can bet no one's going to see any action this season. Tenly tells Jake ten things about her and then kisses him and then freaks out because he's only like the second guy she's ever kissed. Really? And then...

Jillian and Ed show up! Jillian in a disco ball of a dress. Why are they there? To help their dear pal make sense of all the ladies. You know Ed is psyched. He is taking notes. Or jotting down numbers, one or the other. They interview the ladies. Jillian dirty dances with one of them. What?

Okay. They reach their conclusions. Ed tells Jake he likes Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska. Uh huh. I'll bet. Jillian likes Ella. Jake says "who goes?" Ed practically screams "Michelle! Not a good vibe!" Really? What gave you that impression? The bunny boiling away in the kitchen? Jake says thanks and ignores what they have to say.

He then gives Tenley the first impression rose and she is welling up with tears. Oh brother. These two are made for each other. You can see all the animals of the forest stitching her wedding gown as we speak.

Okay. Rose ceremony time. Tenley is safe. Here is the rest:

Rose #1 Ella

Rose #2 Elizabeth from Nebraska

Rose #3 Ali

Rose #4 Vienna

Rose #5 Christina

Rose #6 Gia

Rose #7 Ashley (brunette)

Rose #8 Rozlyn

Rose #9 Jessie

Rose #10 Corrie

Rose #11 Valisha

Rose #12 Asleigh (blonde)

Rose #13 Kathryn

Rose #14 Michelle (who sobs pathetically).

And then we get scenes for the upcoming season. In case you haven't heard in the news, some bachelorette on the show hooks up with a crew member which throws everyone into a tizzy. Hey, she certainly wasn't going to get any from Jake. Not surprisingly, there are lots of tears. And apparently, Jakie Jake gets so mad that he kicks something. What a badass.

And that's all, folks. Can't wait until next week....

Sorry so late. I apologize for any typos, too tired to read this again.

Bachelor Round-Up "You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime..."

"Just smile for me and let the day begin
You are the sunshine that lights my heat within
I'm sure that you're an angel in disguise
Come take my hand and together we will rise

On the wings of love
Up and above the clouds
The only way to fly
Is on the wings of love
On the wings of love
Only the two of us
Together flying high
Flying high
Upon the wings of love..."

Seriously. Doesn't it make you throw up in your mouth a little?

And yet. The producers at ABC thought this was a good theme song for our new Bachelor, Jake.

Anyone else get the feeling they were trying to rip off "Top Gun" in the beginning of The Bachelor last night? Just Jakie Jake, a real man's man if I ever saw one, wearing his Aviator glasses taking off down the highway on his motorcycle. At one point, he pauses. And...cue the sunset! Cue the birds! Cue Jake's sculptured jawline! Jake is just like Maverick! At this point in the game, is Tom Cruise really the man you want to emulate??

Let me start by saying this...I like Jake. I do. He is a little too earnest, sincere and squeaky clean for his own good. But. There is something about these qualities that are also incredibly endearing. Of course, he has such high moral standards that I'm not sure any woman is ever going to measure up. And I'm pretty certain he might iron his underwear. That being said, I'm sure he looks really nice doing it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

What did we learn last night? Well, for starters...there will be a lot of tears this season. Or almost tears. You know the kind. Like when your eyes well up but don't actually overflow. Picture Emilio Estevez in "The Breakfast Club" when he's talking about his dad. You know what I mean. Last night, as Jake talked about meeting his future wife, he did that almost-tears thing and said "I'm going to walk out of here with a fiance." I checked the clock. It was only 8:05. Five minutes into the show and we already had tears. It was going to be a long night.

Or as about 8 or 9 bachelorettes said last night "It's going to be a bumpy ride." Seriously, ABC, how many more of these pilot puns are we going to have endure this season?

So we briefly meet some of the bachelorettes as they prepare to come on the show. A few highlights...Ali, a pretty blonde who's last boyfriend used to sneak out of her room while she was sleeping to have relations with her roommate. Alexa "I love straddling my Harley." Tenley "I played Arielle, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella in Disney World, teee-hee...and I just know my prince is waiting for me." Christina is "a guy's girl and I'm a little bitchy." Vienna the Paris Hilton-Wanna-Be who totes her little dog Chloe around everywhere who has a "daddy who bought me like five cars because I keep crashing them." Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska who looks like Courtney Cox with fake boobs. Gia is a "fitness model"...which I think means you have an excellent body but face, not so much. Emily is also a fit model. Is this a popular occupation? How does one become one? There's Tiana, who I thought was Disney's newest princess (she is in my house) but on the Bachelor, it means you are a tall blonde Canadian who considers herself old at age 31.

All right. Next Maverick, er, Jake pulls up at the Bachelor Mansion on his motorcycle. The driveway is wet as usual. Why is it always wet? This is Southern California, for G-d's sake. Chris the Dork Harrison and Jake have a little sit-down together. Jake's eyes well up AGAIN as he says his parents still hold hands in the grocery store and he's haunted by loneliness. Chris Harrison says "I hear you have a lot of first dates but not seconds." Jake's lower lip starts to tremble.

And then it's time to meet the ladies! Here are some initial impressions, so you can keep them all straight:

First girl out is Rozlyn. She is beautiful in a truly unexceptional way. She looks like a much skinner, not as interesting Scarlet Johanson. She is also the first to say "fasten your seat belt, it's going to be a bumpy ride." Ha ha. Good one.

Next up...Emily. She is tiny with dark hair, green eyes, green dress and teeth like Chicklets.

Next is Ali, a cute blonde in a very yellow dress. She tickles Jake with a peacock feather. He seems thrilled.

Jessie. A slim brunette with curly hair and a bit of a deer-in-the-headlights stare. She touches Jake's arm and says "do you have a registry for those guns?" Oy.

Next is our Disney princess, Tenley. She pops out of the limo and a trail of bluebirds follow her singing. She also looks a lot like Christina Applegate.

Next is Ella, the hairstylist from Knoxville with a son. She does that neat little trick of "hey what's on your shirt" and then knocks Jake in the nose. Some people find that endearing. I think it is seriously annoying.

Next up is Kathryn, a blonde flight attendant in a very fluffy purple dress.

Next is Caitlyn, who I forgot existed until I just checked my notes. She is a brunette in a blue sparkly dress who I literally never saw again for the rest of the show.

Then there is Elizabeth, the air captain who is about as serious as a heart attack. She asks Jake if he prefers to be called Jacob.

Alexa is a blonde wearing motorcycle gloves. We don't see much of her after this either.

Then there is Vienna, the Paris Wannabe. She gets out and touches Jake's abs. She is blond and kinda cross-eyed.

Next is Corrie from Kissimmee. This is a town close to Orlando. She also charms Jake by saying "what do you think about kissimmee?" He blushes and then she explains herself. Big laughs shared by all.

Then there is Kimberly, a dancer from Oklahoma. Not very memorable except for...hmm. That's all I got.

Then there is Valishia, who is a brunette in a red dress who gives Jake some dirt from Texas.

Next is Gia, the fitness model who also owns a hair salon. I found her mouth kinda distracting but she has a certain look.

Then there is Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska. Again...picture Courtney Cox with freckles.

There's Channy, wearing a very short yellow dress that barely covers her landing strip. At least that's what she tells him in Cambodian.

There's the brunette Ashley, a teacher in a pink dress.

And then there is Tiana, the fake blonde from Canada who reminded me of Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter.

Dear G-d, does this ever end??? I've been writing this for almost an hour now and I'm still not done.

Next is Christina, who comes carrying jellybeans as parting gifts for all the girls because she is sure she will win. Way to make friends, Christina.

Then there is blonde Ashleigh, who trips and winds up in the Bachelor's arms. I don't think she faked it, it was a pretty big trip.

Next is Kirsten, a blond waitress. I don't think we see her again.

Next up is Stephanie in a short gold dress. She is a dance coach.

Then there is Sheila, who walks up in aviator glasses because hey, she's an aviator too. Never mind that it looks like crap with an evening gown.

And finally, there is Michelle, who acts like a airplane as she gets out of the limo. Does it sound stupid? Yup, it was.

Okay. Well. I think I'm going to need to take a break now. I've got to do some work before I leave so tune in later for the rest. More to come!

"You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime."

The great thing about the Bachelor? There is never a shortage of dumb quotes. Ever.

I have high hopes for this season, folks. But let me say...with all the talk about values and morals, it's going to be a PG-rated season. I think Harry Potter may be steamier than this.

Still. I'll totally be watching.

More to come later.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Tomorrow night's the night....

it's Bachelor time...

Two hours of squeaky clean Jake. Two hours of pleated khakis and extra white smiles. It's either going to be really great (in a cheesy way) or just awful.

But there's only one way to find out...

The train wreck starts tomorrow night at 8pm. Enjoy!

Friday, January 1, 2010

What are your hopes and dreams for the New Year?

Everybody wants something. For our three-year-old, it's a Tiana princess doll. And a Blackberry.

We are so not Blackberry people. Like my husband has one but...barely uses it. I just requested one from work so I don't even have one in the house. Yet A. insists she needs one. Why?

"Homsa has one."

Homsa is her "friend." Apparently, I don't know her. She isn't from preschool or the park or Barnes & Nobles. Homsa is from Norida. I asked A. if that's near Florida. It isn't.

Homsa also kicks and can be very mean. But not all the time. Homsa has a friend named Lisa who she is always calling on her Blackberry. A. says if she has a Blackberry, then she will be able to call Homsa. But if Homsa is mean, I ask, why does she need to call her?

An eyeroll. I actually got one of those. At age 3.

So what are my hopes and dreams for the New Year? Frankly, I don't feel like sharing. It's like when people ask you what you are thankful for on Thanksgiving. I just basically think it is no one's beeswax. Not trying to be a brat, I just think it's personal.

So if anyone asks, I'll talk a Tiana doll. And The Bachelor show returning. Which it is.

But that's not what I really want.

And no, it's not a Blackberry.

P.S. In case you happen to follow The Bachelor, go to abc.com to play the Rose Ceremony Game.