Friday, May 29, 2009

People who you'd think would be taller...

but they're not. At least not in real life.

When you live here, you inevitably see famous people. Of course, it is against the cardinal rule of being a New Yorker to in any way acknowledge them. It doesn't mean you can't make your own personal observations.

People You'd Think Would Be Taller:

1. Mayor Bloomberg

2. Al Roker

3. Barbara Walters

4. Elmo

5. Katie Couric

People who are much cuter in person:

1. Alanis Morisette

2. Ryan Reynolds

3. Jerry Seinfeld (surprising but true)

4. Brian Williams

5. Jennifer Connelly (but waaaay skinny)

People who are exactly as you thought they'd be:

1. David Spade

2. Tom Arnold

3. Steve Buscemi

4. Stacy London

5. Tim Robbins

Feel free to add to my list...

Happy Friday,


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Big Men's Speedos

Three words that really should never be put together.

Yet...thanks to what I wrote in my bachelorette blog yesterday, Google Ad Sense decided to advertise them on my blog.

Thankfully, without any visuals.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Jillian...part two

Jillian picks up Jake wearing a black fringe dress and red go-go boots. I can’t decide if I like or if it’s awful. Jake dons the ever cool khakis and blue shirt, making him look like he works at Banana Republic. Jillian says “Jake is very good-looking but a little conservative.” Ya think? So she takes him to some honkey tonk place and makes him try on clothes. I’m all for getting the guy out of his frat boy wear but I’m not sure this is much of an improvement.. Though you’ve gotta love the moment when Jillian buttons his belt buckle. You could practically hear the ABC producers in the background egging her on…careful, Jilly. Last time this happened you were doing softcore porn scenes in a hot tub…

Meanwhile, Jake is planning their wedding. This is the kind of guy who seems ready to propose at any given moment. They two-step together and she is amazed at his ability. Duh. The guy’s from Texas. Jake says “What would you say if a black car picked you up and had your bags all packed and one morning you were in Belgium for waffles?” She says she would love it. Jillian says “I know I could my hand my life over to Jake and he would take care of me. And that’s what I need.” And the women’s movement takes another giant leap….backwards.

Jake eagerly says “you want to get married out of this?” And Jillian hesitates. And that my friends, is why I firmly believe she will not be accepting a proposal this season. I just don’t think it’s going to happen.

Meanwhile, they both agree that they are spontaneous. Do spontaneous people really talk about being spontaneous? As if to prove how spontaneous he is, Jake plants a wet one on Jillian in the middle of a conversation. And then…the stage moves back and out pops Martina McBride. Apparently, she’s a legend. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jillian. I have no idea what she sings, but okay. I’m a little out of the country music loop since the only ones on my iPod in that genre are Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline and Dolly Parton. But okay, Martina. The two of them dance to Martina, impressed by their two-stepping ability. Jillian says “this is someone I could spend a lot of time with.” Jake is planning what color tux he’ll wear at the wedding.

Next day, next date. It’s a group basketball date. Who’s at an advantage, Dave because he’s tall and a hothead. Who’s not? Juan. As Tanner B puts it “Juan is lacking some testosterone.” Of course, so is Tanner B. Simon the Englishman is also at a decided disadvantage, despite having height on his side. I think I could dunk on that guy. Jillian is pretty sucky too.

And then…Jillian invites four of her friends to play. Friends that happen to be Harlem Globetrotters. Hello…MeadowLark Lemon? You mean Kobe wasn’t available? Anyway, the Globetrotters spend most of their time balancing balls on their fingers but still manage to beat the crap out of the guys. They do choose Dave as the guy they like best for Jillian. This does not earn him a rose but he does get a jersey out of the deal.

And then they walk down to the beach and Mike runs into the freezing cold water in his speedos. For some reason, Jillian thinks this is “frickin’ awesome.” Then they get all gussied up and go to Viceroy Hotel in LA and I’m thinking, ew I hate that hotel just at the same moment Jillian says “we’re having drinks at my favorite hotel.” I realized the producers force her to say this but man, that is the dumbest, most scene-y hotel in the world. Except for maybe the Roosevelt which I hate even more.

Anyway, Juan spends most of the evening saying silly things to Jillian like “Your eyes are a piercing green.” Dave spends most of the night plotting how he wants to kill Juan. Jillian loves smooching Kiptyn, who lets her know he’s normally the heartbreaker. Retreat, retreat! And the rose goes to…Mike for having the balls to strip down to the teeny, weany bikini (no pun intended).

Cocktail party time. Tanner grabs Jilly’s feet to get a better look. Robby is mixing up a fancy Robmo drink in the hopes of enticing her. And Wes is doing his creepy Wes thing, telling Jillian he’s going to write a song for her.

And then ABC does their stupid thing where they let the guys vote which guy they’d like to see leave. They choose Juan. Jillian gives him a rose so he can stay. Dave is pissed. And falling into the category of any impression is better than no impression, Brian decides to take off all his clothes and jumps in the pool. Jesse says “It’s like watching a bad car accident.” Tanner notes the amount of “shrinkage.”

Rose ceremony time. Juan, Wes, Jake and Mike have roses and are safe. Here’s who gets the rest:

Rose #1 Jesse
Rose 2 David
Rose 3 My husband was talking so I don’t know who this person was, sorry. Let me know who I forgot.

Rose 4 Sasha

Rose 5 Mark

Rose 6 Michael Electric Boogalu

Rose 7 Tanner P the foot guy

Rose 8 Kiptyn

Rose 9 Reid

Rose 10 Robby

Rose 11 Tanner F. Can we lose a Tanner, already?

Rose 12 Brad

Who’s out? The guy who got naked and said “it was cold so I was hung like a light switch and that’s why I’m out.” Simon. Julian. And Mathue who went bu-hu-hu. Sorry, if he can misspell on purpose, so can I.

In the meantime, sorry this is late and I apologize for any misspellings….I just have no time tonight and my dear daughter is still chatting in the other room and possibly about to get out of bed. So…I promise to have better grammar next time.

Have a good one,

Bachelorette Round-Up #2...the first half, anyway

I actually have to do something tonight so…I’m going to blog until it’s time to go and then I’ll finish up later. Plus there is something kind of disturbing about staying late to blog. Particularly when it’s about the Bachelorette.

So I watched the second half of last night’s show last night and the first half at lunch today. Either way, my reaction to this season so far is…eh.

Like, I think there are enough quirky guys to blog about. But I’m still having trouble telling all the spiky haired dudes apart. There are too many Tanners. And there are at least three guys of questionable sexuality, at least in my opinion.

But I’ll start with the official beginning of the show…with Jillian sunbathing in her bikini. Like I care. The guys are all stuck staying in something called a “bunkhouse” with only one shower. If the guys get a rose on one of the dates, they are invited to stay up in the mansion with Jillian. The first date is with Michael, Brian, Brad, Tanner B, Wes, Sasha, Ed and Mathue. Dude, you know any guy named Matthew who insists on spelling it Mathue is a tool. He’s not from anywhere exotic so you know it was all his idea.

Anyway, the guys are all excited to have a pool party with Jillian. Electric Boogalu Michael uses one of his fancy pop-and-lock moves to run off with Jillian for some alone time. After a few minutes alone, Jillian runs off to grab the rose. Electric Boogalu is rubbing his hands together, thinking he’s going to get his hands on the rose. He envisions what fancy breakdance move would be perfect for the occasion. A backspin? The Worm? The possibilities are endless.

Only he is not getting a rose. In fact, Jillian has run off with the rose in her Mini-Cooper, who apparently sponsored this episode since they spend the first half of the show riding around in them. She is sending the guys on a wild goose chase to try and reach her. I mostly thought it was a stupid, contrived way for ABC to use up some air time. Because really, who needs two hours of this?

Long story short, they pair up the guys and make them go on a scavenger hunt to reach Jillian. The first two guys to get to her win…only catch is, only one of the guys gets a private date with her. My favorite team had to be Electric Boogalu Michael and Foot Man Tanner B. who looked more like a couple than potential suitors. Anyone else getting that feeling? Meanwhile, Brad and Wes are ready to kill each other with Brad as the self-proclaimed brains of the operation. I’ll spare you the boring details but these two manage to pull it off. Brad claims he is the reason they won. Jillian rewards him by choosing a private date with Wes.

Now. Wes is not my thing. He seems well, stupid. He’s got all the swagger with not much to back it up. I say if you are one of those women who love men with guitars, fine. But let him be a real one, a rock star type, not of this I-had-a-hit-song-in-Chinchilla,Mexico-types. Country singers? As if.

But Jillian is digging him. In fact, she says her girlfriends would consider Wes just her type. And she worries “Am I his type? I need to protect myself a little bit.” Wes constantly has that “what?” look on his face that you just want to slap off. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Jill and Wes, the guys can watch their date at the bar upstairs. Brad is still whining about how he should be there. Jillian leans in to kiss Wes and the guys all groan. I do, too. The guys say “he’s been rosed.”

Next day, next date. It’s a one-on-one date with super dreamy Jake. I have to say, this dude seems a little too perfect. A little too cute. A little too ready to walk down the aisle. A little too much like…Jeremy from the Deeanna season. Hmmmm.

And that is it for now, my friends….more to come later tonight….


"When he ran out in his Speedos, it melted my heart."

So I missed the first half of the show yesterday. Who knew it started at 8 instead of 9? Not me, apparently.

I'll try to catch the rest of it online and blog later.


Friday, May 22, 2009

Why Jane Eyre kicks Jane Austen's butt

I will admit. I spent all last summer wrapped up in Jane Austen books. It's a pretty place to be in...wandering around the moors, exploring the English countryside, hoping a rich man will marry you. Not exactly "I am woman here me roar" kind of material. But all of well-written. And at least Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Prejudice) had some backbone.

And then I picked up "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte.

Somehow, I had missed reading it in school, instead reading Emily Bronte's"Wuthering Heights" which is basically a tale of obsessive love. Heathcliff would seriously be under house arrest for stalking these days. "Jane Eyre" is so much better and so much more "girl power" it's not even funny.


Here is my two second book report on it. Jane is described as plain, small, an orphan. But she's feisty. Even as a kid, when she thinks she is being mistreated, she speaks up to her evil aunt even though it means she might get the boot.

When she's in a boarding school for orphans, everyone around her is dying of some disease or another. Not Jane. Not only that, she notes that since there are less people around, there is more to eat. Somehow, I can't imagine Jane Austen's eternally polite heroines daring to voice what most people would be thinking.

Later in the book, Jane falls in love with her employer, Mr. Rochester. He's kind of a jerk in the beginning, this Rochester. She stands her ground and lo and behold, he falls in love with her. She falls in love in return but gets annoyed when he starts showering her with gifts and treating her like a pampered pet.

For various reasons to complicated to get into here (including the resident madwoman living in the attic), Jane and Rochester split up. When they eventually reunite, Jane has an inheritance and Mr. Rochester has lost his home and his sight. (Ever notice lots of people went blind in the old days?) Meaning Jane's the one in charge. In the end, she basically (not directly of course) asks Rochester to marry her. And they do. Under her terms.

The book isn't perfect. And it isn't all that kind to Rochester's crazy first wife and there are certainly some details of that whole thing that I found disturbing. But mostly, it's a relief to have a heroine who isn't waiting for someone to save her--she saves herself.

Which is more than we could say for the heroine of "Twilight."

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Gillian Bachelorette Round-Up #1

So what do you need to know about the new Bachelorette, Gillian? Well, for one…she’s Canadian. Why do you care? Because in my humble experience with Canadians, they are almost always nice and polite. But you never actually know what they are really thinking.

Like last night’s show, for instance. When a guy called her Hot Tub Harris (a reference to her softcore porn scene with Jason in the hot tub), she was like, ha, ha. When a guy named Greg insisted that she call him Bill-bro, she did. And when the whitest, most feminine man on the planet made her try break-dancing, she gave it a go.

But in truth, she had to be thinking…duuuuude. Come on. This is really the best you’ve got?

Of course, ABC starts out the show with Gillian telling us how heartbroken she is over Jason. In the meantime, we see her in front of all the familiar (to me, anyway) Vancouver landmarks. There she is jogging by the sea wall. There she is in front of the Gastown steam clock. There she is in her generic glass apartment building, which looks like every other glass building in town. Maybe the fact that I was just there last week makes it seem all the more familiar. Or the fact that I’ve been so often I sometimes run into people I know there on the street. Hmmmmm….

Anyway, then ABC (being ABC) has to show a few seriously cheesy clips of Gillian doing things she would never do. Like washing her car in a bathing suit wearing pumps. Or doing an impression of Tom Cruise in “Risky Business.” Or throwing her hat up in the air a la Marlo Thomas in “That Girl.” The fact that I know that reference means I’m really super old.

Oh and really ABC, you could have laid off the bikini shots a little. I get that you are trying to sex up this girl who is simply cute, not a supermodel. Did it ever occur to you that women (the ones who predominantly watch the show) prefer to see someone cute and realistic? Showing her tush every five seconds is so not necessary.

And then we get a preview of some of the guys before we officially meet them. They have to do this. ABC has two hours to kill. Let me just say that overall, I am not impressed with male haircuts these days. What is up with the super-spikey porcupine look? It makes them all look like farm animals.

The highlights? Michael the breakdancer from Astoria. Julian who jumps out of planes, wears bad suits and drives fast cars, which means he is making up for some shortcoming elsewhere. Stephen the New York lawyer with Seinfeld attitude and Kramer hair. Juan the Mama’s boy. Gred “bill-bro” the fitness model. Kyle the so-hip-it-hurts graphic designer who as it turns out has only been a New Yorker for all of six months (smirk). My least personal favorite has to be Wes, the country crooner from Austin. He literally oozes as he walks. I am clapping my hand to my head as I watch this. They should totally have let me cast for this girl. I know they want good television but they also want a love story. And these guys are quite a motley crew.

Okay. Time for Gillian to meet the guys. She tells Chris the Dork Harrison that “you have to slay a few dragons to find the right prince.” And she calls her dream man Mr. Invisible since she doesn’t know what he looks like yet. Let me tell you something. I think he’s still invisible.

First limo, here’s what we’ve got. These are all just initial impressions because I found these dudes hard to tell apart, since most of them shared the same spikey hair-do.

1. Kiptyn. Could have done without the dumb spelling of his name. He’s a cute boy from Cali, a business guy and a surfer dude.

2. Bryan. A big burly Oklahoma high school coach in a very pink shirt. He says…I want to sweep you off your feet. So he does, literally.

3. John P. From Indiana. Kinda stiff. Couldn’t tell you more than that.

4. Brian. An IT consultant. Calls her Hot Tub Harris. I would have sent him right back to the limo then and there.

5. Jake. Okay. This one’s sort of dreamy. He’s a blonde pilot. He gives her a set of wings. This one has potential, I think.

6. Dave. He’s a trucking contractor. I don’t know what that means. Is he a trucker? He’s very large. But he freezes up and can’t talk when he meets her. She tells him to “Man up and have a drink.” Oh sorry, that was me.

7. Tanner. From Kansas. Wearing a very green shirt. Blond, I think? Not memorable.

8. Michael the Breakdancer from Astoria. Shall henceforth be called Electric Boogalu. Am I the only one convinced he’s gay?

9. Robby. He’s a bartender. We literally never see him again. Can you say “filler?”

10. John H. from Idaho. Another porcupine-haired guy.

11. Sasha. He’s very big and apparently Serbian.

12. Brad. A financial guy from Chicago. Wearing a lot of purple. He makes a corny joke and he likes it. Note that Gillian considers herself a “personality” girl and might be charmed by a personality guy.

13. Mathue. Wearing a cowboy hat that has signatures of country stars on it. I’m totally yawning as I type this. Next!!

14. Simon. Englishman from Yorkshire who resembles Lurch. Really ABC? You really thought you had to run subtitles under him? He is speaking English, after all. Further proof ABC thinks we are all idiots.

15. Jesse. A winemaker from Napa. A family business, in fact. Gillian, for this reason alone, you need to spend some time with this dude. Sounds like a good life to me.

16. Julian. Couldn’t get my eyes off the dumb hanky in his suit pocket but does say some nice things to Jillian.

17. Wes. Ugh. This is why I can never live in Texas. I get the feeling the state is crawling with these types of guys. They don’t walk so much as slither.

18. Kyle from Brooklyn. I’m all for being yourself but man, did you really need to bust out the Members Jacket on the first meeting?

19. Adam from Long Beach. He’s an Olympic cyclist. Can’t tell you more about him because we never see him again.

20. Stephen. The lawyer from New York. Doing the Jewish sarcastic thing I am slightly familiar with.

21. Juan. I like this dude. Very earnest. He’s from Argentina so of course ABC busts out…no, not tango music. But something Mexican. Nice work, guys.

22. Caleb. A photographer from Tennessee with painfully tight jeans on.

23. Josh. He’s a lifeguard. You can tell. Too much time in the sun. He looks like someone’s dad.

24. Greg. “Wanna hug it out?” Oy. Insists on being called “Billbro.”

25. Mark. A pizza entrepreneur from Colorado. Taking a page from Gillian’s book, he claims he has a theory about women and pizza toppings. Very original, dude.

And so the fun begins. Here are a few cocktail party highlights. Kiptyn is the only dude that Gillian pulls aside. He tells the camera “she’s a lot more attractive than I expected.” Ouch! Jesse tries to sell her on the vinter’s life “wine is love juice.” Kyle from Brooklyn makes Gillian a pretend mustache tattoo and tries to act like the cool New Yorker he isn’t. Wes the Tool busts out his guitar and proceeds to serenade Gillain. Now, I’m not saying I don’t like guys with guitars. But come on.

For some reason Michael “Electric Boogaloo” and “Billbro” decide to have a breakdance-off. I’m going to assume that mass quantities of alcohol led to this. And then in comes Chris the Dork Harrison who says…surprise! We’re adding five more guys to this mix. I tried my best to take notes on these guys. All I got was Ed from Fort Lauderdale, someone from Philly, Ed from Chicago and Tanner from Texas. Seriously, do we need two Tanners? How confusing. Only this Tanner is wearing a sparkly jacket and has a foot fetish.

My feeling about Tanner the Foot Man? He’s a plant. He is too quirky to be real. He spends most of the party panting after Gillian’s feet in a slightly Humbert Humbert fashion. Finally, he convinces her to dip her toes in the pool to sneak a peek. Apparently, she passes his little test.

The 1st impression rose goes to David, the big trucking guy who can’t speak. Maybe it was a sympathy rose? Here is how the rest of the rose ceremony panned out. I’ll do my best to remember who is who but it got really tricky:

1. Jake. Cute pilot guy. Nice work.
2. Jesse. Winery guy. We’re on the same page.
3. Wes. Ugh! No! Retreat, retreat!
4. Mathue. The one in the cowboy hat. I don’t get it.
5. Michael Electric Boogalu. The producers made her.
6. Robert. Who is he? The bartender?
7. Ed. No idea who this is. One of the new guys?
8. Reid. Wait. Who is Reid?
9. Simon. The Englishman who looks like Lurch.
10. Kiptyn. This name is going to drive me crazy all season.
11. Mike. One of the new guys with big hair.
12. Brian D. Who the hell is he?
13. Sasha. The big blonde Serbian dude.
14. Julian. Big shoulder guy with the hanky in his pocket.
15. Tanner. The foot man. Total plant.
16. Mark. The pizza guy.
17. Brad. The regular guy wearing purple.
18. Tanner M. The ugly green shirt guy. Can we please lose a Tanner?
19. Juan. Cute architect dude.

And there we have it. Stephen from New York is astounded he was let go but says “she’s more country, I don’t even know what they do in the country. Maybe they don’t like awesome guys.” There, there Stephen. Come on back East where you belong. Jon the porcupine from Idaho seems astounded. And then it was time for ten minutes of upcoming scenes from this season.

Lots of stuff with Jake crying. Something about three guys having girlfriends. More Wes strumming his stupid guitar. And someone running by in a Speedo. Now if that isn’t enough to make you want to tune in, nothing is.

That’s all, friends.

Until next week,

"I can tell if I'm going to marry someone based on their feet."

Yes, to say the new season is off with a bang. So many winners this year. Though am I the only one that noticed no Canadians in the mix? Isn’t that going to be tricky if Jillian actually decides to marry one of these guys? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say she is too level-headed to accept a proposal. I just don’t think she will do it. There. My first prediction of the season.

Alas, I have work to do so the rest will have to wait. I’ll try to have something by the end of the day.

Happy Tuesday,

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Tomorrow night's the night...Bachelorette starts again...

at 9pm Eastern time. Starts out with 30 guys this time. Because really 25 aren't enough to keep track of...


Thursday, May 14, 2009

What you watch when no one else is watching

I don't watch a ton of television at home. Mostly because I don't have the time. And when I do, we both have to agree on it. Yes, we are an old-fashioned, one television household. The easy thing would be to buy another tv. But we like to keep things challenging.

So last night I was alone and bored in my hotel room and decided I could not bear to watch another Frazier or Seinfeld or another Star Trek, which seems to be constantly on in the city of Vancouver. I clicked on TLC and discovered the most ridiculous, fabulous show on the planet. It was called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."
To which I said, "Really? Like...really?"

The show basically consisted of women who were so overweight, another thirty pounds didn't seem to alert them of an impending child. Apparently, neither did 9 months of no period. A couple of them even claimed they took pregnancy tests which came out negative. I think they must have been lying. Or at least I hope they were because if not it means they are hopelessly stupid.

Anyway, when birthing time came, the women usually thought they had cancer and that is why they were having searing pain. Some thought it was just gastric distress and tried to poop their way to relief. Of course, this always resulted in a baby in the toilet.

The best part of the show was the dramatic interpretations of women pooping babies into the pot. I'm sure that was a really proud moment in these women's acting resumes.

At the end of each segment, the real women were featured with their now healthy children, everyone happy despite having been born into a toilet. which proves it doesn't really matter how you come into the world. Just as long as you do.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Playdate with Obama

So ever since the election, A. has been very fond of our president. You might even say a little obsessed. Every time she sees his face on television or on a magazine, she says "Obama yay!" She will tell whomever will listen "Obama won!" That's our crunchy liberal Brooklyn girl.

Yesterday, I asked how her day was.

A: Had a playdate.

Me: That's nice. Who was your playdate with?

A: JP. Erin. And Obama.

Me: Obama?

A: Yes.

Me: Was he nice?

A: Yes.

Me: Obama was playing with you.

A: Uh huh.

(Momentary pause to eat sweet potato fries and then thoroughly reject turkey burger.)

Me: So you played with Obama today.

A: Yes. Ice pop, please.

Me: Was he a man?

A: No. A boy. Ice pop. Green one.

Me: Anyone else at the playdate?

A considers this question.

A: A bumblebee.

Okay. So. I chalk up this little tale to her fantastic imagination. I tell the story to my husband. We have a good chuckle.

Next morning, I share the tale with our nanny. She says "We did have a playdate with a little boy named Obama. And we were painting bumblebees."

Of course. Of course there is not one Obama in the whole wide world. And of course, a bumblebee was at the playdate. Silly mommy for thinking it was all a figment of A's imagination.

Our nanny says, "You know her. She tells it like she sees it."

So she may not wind up a creative writing major. Maybe she's headed more towards journalism?

Friday, May 1, 2009

Swine Flu and other signs of spring

Am I germ freak? I don't know. Does opening public restroom doors with paper towels qualify me as one? So you can be sure this Swine Flu thing has set me into a panic.

I'll admit, I ordered face masks online the minute the news broke. They still haven't arrived yet and hopefully they will before the epidemic hits. I've seen a couple of people wearing them on the subway and while some people stare at them as if they are freaks, I think they are simply ahead of the curve. Mind you, if there is even one confirmed case in Brooklyn, I will don the full Michael Jackson attire.

In the meantime,we are just washing our hands a lot and purelling like mad. And of course, Clorox wiping. I first got into this habit last year when A. got one stomach virus after another (and the rest of the house, too) and I became convinced we were all re-infecting ourselves.

Luckily, I am not alone. My friend Maja is equally vigilant about hand washing/purelling/Clorox wiping. Which lead to an interesting email exchange about all the things we Clorox wipe. Her list:

credit cards
outsidde and bottom of purse, purse handle
stroller handle and cup holder
stroller safety clips
car seat clips
doorknobs in the house
the outside doorknob and lock
the computer
cell phone
faucets in the house and handles
outside of pack of wipes
steering wheel in car
outside of the purell bottle
pump part of all soaps and purells

I don't do all of those but here's what I do:

bottoms of purses and bags
doorknobs all over the places
light switches
the outside of garbage cans and diaper genie
faucets and counter tops
outside of diaper wipes
the changing area and drawer where I get diapers
purell bottles.
tv remote controls and fan remotes

I’ve even taken it downstairs to do the banisters/doors of my apartment building. And it goes without saying that I take off my shoes/change my clothes/wash my hands the moment I come in from riding the subway.

Does this all classify me as crazy? I don't think so. Just a control freak who is attempting to obtain control over something she really can't. But hey, it makes me feel like I'm doing something. And that is all that most of us want, anyway.