Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Bachelor Round-Up..."I'm going to give my puppy the biggest French kisses..."

Yes, I know. We need DVR. But we don’t have it, nor do we seem to have time to organize ourselves enough to get it. So…once I again I got to the show a little late, apparently all I missed were the girls singing to Jason for some reason. If I missed more than that, let me know. Truthfully, I’m sure it was a nightmare….I predict most girls couldn’t sing except for a couple who were in pageants and probably belted it out in a most annoying fashion.

So by the time I actually entered the room, I saw that Molly is getting ready for a one-on-one date with Jay Jay. She says “I am so nervous I could pee my pants.” Seriously, if you’re going to be on television, perhaps you might try to find a more attractive way to describe your feelings? They are going to go back to Jason’s place “to hang out.” Back where I come from, this is a euphemism for going back to his place to hook up. Hmmm.

Jason and Molly eat junk food and he talks about how he’s attracted to her eyes. And then he says “I don’t want this date to end. Let’s go camping!” Okay, so he's living in a mansion and you've got to sleep outside? That sucks. He takes her into his backyard and he’s got a tent all set up. Suddenly, I realize this is going to turn into an overnight date. Hot damn, ABC has upped the ante! Not that I think anyone is having sex in there with the cameras rolling but man, there were certainly enough nauseating little moans and wet kissing noises. We hear Jason say “you have super-soft skin.” Barf….

Back at the house, the women are getting antsy because Molly’s not back from her date yet. Or rather, Shannon the Stalker is freaking out. She decides she is going to wait up for Molly. At the crack of dawn, Molly does her walk of shame, coming in wearing Jason’s clothes. Nice. It’s one thing to do it in the privacy of your own life…quite another to broadcast it on television. Melissa says “I don’t like this. She smells like him and she’s wearing his pants right now.” As long as she doesn’t smell like his pants…

Next up….it’s a group date to play doctor with Jason. No one knows what this means. And then they arrive on the set of General Hospital. How exciting! Particularly if it was 1985 and Luke and Laura were around and you actually cared about things like this. Instead, you see two nameless faceless actors acting badly. Like school play acting. But they all applaud like they’ve just witnessed Meryl Streep at her best. Apparently, they are all going to act out scenes from the soap opera that consist of making out with Jason and then possibly slapping him. Naomi gets to snog Jay-Jay like half a dozen times, freaking out Melissa. Jillian plants one on him and even poor pathetic Stalker Shannon gets to shove her tongue in his mouth. It’s almost like they’ve all kissed each other. Sure hope no one’s got a cold.

The most frightening kiss award has to go to Megan, who practically tackles him. Seriously, it looks like she is performing CPR. Megan says “it wasn’t acting.” If that’s the case, hope she goes out with athletic guys because girlfriend could seriously hurt someone.

They decide to have a “wrap party” on a fancy rooftop to celebrate their Oscar worthy performances. Only all the girls are pissy about all the kissing that went on all day. Naomi freaks out, Melissa freaks out, everyone gets their turn. And then Lauren decides to berate Jay-Jay. Her strategy is “I’m very forward and Jason might like being bossed around.” Interesting. I have to say that while there are a few guys out there who do enjoy being hen-pecked, most do not. Lauren says to him “Why’s megan still here? Do you like her? You need to give me the rose tonight or I’ll be pissed.” Mind you, I think all of her bravado is a front and she’s actually a tad insecure. Nevertheless, it’s annoying.

And then poor Shannon decides to go for it with Jason. Only, she basically begs him to keep her and weeps about how she wants to be a Mom and meet Ty. She says “I’m putting my heart on my shoulder.” I don’t know what this means. And then she says “this is me, picking my nose” and then goes in for a kiss. Jason stops her. Stalker Shannon finally sees the writing on the wall and says “he rejected me and said I had napkin on my face.” Hee-hee.

Jason winds up giving the rose to Naomi, much to Lauren’s dismay. She says “I feel like an idiot but if that’s the kind of girl he wants….”

Next day, the 2-on-1 date with Stephanie and Nikki. Nikki is very nervous because only one person comes from this date and she doesn’t think it’s going to be her. He picks them up in a Bentley and takes them to some fancy restaurant that reminds me of Tavern on the Green and I don’t mean that in a good way. They are going to take waltz lessons. For some reason, they are playing spooky Tim Burton-type music in the background for this. Anyway, Nikki and Jason are terrible dancers and Stephanie and Jason are great. Of course, she is also a dance teacher so this isn’t really fair. They each keep cutting in on each other so they can get alone time with Jay-Jay. In the meantime, Jason is trying to figure out who to send home….the Botox Mom he’s not really attracted to or the crazy uptight chick with the sideburns. He ends up letting Nikki go, who is in “shock” and says “I don’t know how much smarter or prettier I could be.” Poor thing. She still hasn’t really recovered that her boyfriend of 11 years dumped her. Might I suggest counseling? In the meantime, Jason and Stephanie share the least passionate, most awkward kiss on the planet.

And then it’s cocktail party time. Lauren makes more demands on him and tells the camera that “the other girls should go home cause we’re getting married.” Okay. Here’s how the rose ceremony panned out. Keep in mind that Stephanie, Molly and Naomi are safe:

Rose #1 Melissa

Rose #2 Jillian

And then…Jason picks up the rose and says, “I can’t do this. I don’t want to lead anyone else on. So I’m not giving away this rose.” Which means Megan, Stalker Shannon and Lauren are out. Megan is pissed. Shannon is excited about getting home to make out for her puppy. And Lauren is humiliated.

Next up…Jason takes all the ladies home to Seattle to meet Ty. That should be telling, because you can only pretend to like a kid for so long.

That’s it kids…better late than never.

Happy Tuesday,


"I'm going to give my puppy the biggest French kisses..."


This is from Shannon the stalker, naturally.

More to come later, hopefully by end of day....


Monday, January 26, 2009

Don't forget....Bachelor tonight...

Another two hour show, starts at 8 eastern time. I don't know about you guys, but I'm not sure I really need two hours of this...my guess is ABC is looking for cheap programming and what's cheaper than reality television? You've just gotta pay for a bunch of roses and rent out a mansion (and there should be plenty of empty ones these days).

Anyhow, enjoy the show...


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

"I like bears."

This might seem like a simple, mundane statement but….if you saw last night’s show, you’d know that it sums up Nathalie’s personality. When Jason asked her about herself she said, “I like bears.” There was a pause, as Jason waited for something more. A punchline, anything. Finally, Jason said “koalas?” And Natalie says “all kinds!” Wow. I mean, wow.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that my daughter hates The Bachelor. Why else would choose this night of all nights to give us a hard time about sleeping? There are certain bits I missed so again, feel free to chime in.

The show starts with Stephanie getting a one-on-one date with Jason. Stephanie is the single mom whose husband died and has been consoling herself with Botox. Now, Jason seems to have a lot of respect for Stephanie….I think. Either that or he just feels sorry for her. Either way, he surprises her by bringing her daughter Sophia to come along on the date. Which is fine except the date is now really between Stephanie and Sophia. They snuggle, they laugh, they ride the rides at LegoLand. And Jason kind of watches. Meanwhile, poor Stephanie thinks this is a chance for Sophia to have a daddy. She says “this is a possible opportunity for a male role model.” She even says “Jason reminds me of my deceased husband.” Creepy! Okay, she may think she’s over this tragedy…but she’s not. Not really. Jason says “it would be amazing to be with someone like Stephanie for the rest of my life.” Note he did not say Stephanie herself.

Okay. Onto the next date. Jason is taking 8 girls out a date to “get busted.” What does this mean? They will all make a cast of their busts, paint it and auction it off to charity for a breast cancer awareness organization. How clever ABC! Now we all get to see who has big boobs and who doesn’t. And for charity, no less. Jason goes first so he can peel off his shirt again. Erica and Melissa vigorously rub him down with baby oil. Stalker Shannon says “I like to stare at him…..they didn’t get enough oil on him.” ABC even shows us cheesy silhouettes of the girls getting changed. Jillian says “I’m very comfortable being naked.” Of course she is; she has no boobs. The girls with big ones didn’t look as pleased to be getting half naked. Stalker Shannon asks Jason to put plaster on her body so they could share “an intimate moment.”

And then it’s time to paint their busts. Some girls paint them with hearts and flowers but Megan decides she’s going to paint a fetus. Because fetuses are so pretty. She then asks the dumbest question of the night…and that’s saying something….when she asks someone at the charity if someone who has had a mastectomy can breastfeed. Ummm….no. How would that work exactly? Megan then says she’s very deep and everyone else there is as shallow as a kiddie pool. Melissa tells Jason she had a breast reduction at age 17, which seemed to shock him. We also find out Melissa is Greek “I got my Yaya’s boobs” which should definitely help her chances with Jay-Jay since it will remind him of his dear Deanna. Poor Nikki with the sideburns runs out of things to talk about with the J-Man, which sucks this early in the game. Anyway, there is one rose to be given away on this date and Jillian gets it. The Canadian Hot Dog Lady wins again…

So then a date card comes to the house for Nathalie. Jason says “she is hot and fun but I want to find out who she is inside.” Really? She’s hot? Bad spray-tans and fake blonde extensions are hot? Jay-jay comes to pick her up at the house and she is late coming downstairs. Always a bad idea when there are other women there to keep him entertained. When she finally comes downstairs, she is greeted by a man with a suitcase. The suitcase holds a million dollars worth of diamonds. Nathalie’s face lights up like a Christmas tree. This is definitely a girl who likes her bling.

Jay-jay takes her on a private jet and then a helicopter over Vegas. Nathalie can scarcely contain her excitement. You can tell she thinks she is J Lo or something. She keeps tossing her overly processed locks like she is Queen of the Prom. She says to Jason “look at the reflection of my diamonds in the window.” Jason says “I felt like James Bond, walking into the place with the girl everyone was looking at.” Really? Because high-def television was really not doing her any favors.

And then Jason makes his fatal mistake. He decides he wants to “dig beneath the surface” of Nathalie. Problem is, that’s all there is. Jason says “you’re the cute, sporty girl who loves clothes…what else?” And she says, “I love bears.” And Jason says to the camera, “I wish our conversations were better.”

Despite, Nathalie trying to convince Jason that is not just a party girl and really was put on this earth to be a mother, Jason isn’t buying it. He picks up the rose but doesn’t give it to her. This is also around the time when A. decided she didn’t want to go to sleep and I had to go in and rub her back so excuse me if I miss any important details. Jason tells Nathalie that the moment she saw the diamonds was the happiest he saw her all night. Nathalie gets annoyed and tells him that are other girls in the house who are just wrong for him. Jason seems curious but lets Nathalie go anyway. Minus the diamonds, of course.

This gets Jason wondering who “the bad girls” in the house are. Lauren tells it like it is and mentions Erica and Megan. Megan hears this and gets all in a huff. There is some trash-talking which Erica and Megan are really good at because they are, well, trash. At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison encourages the girls to be up front about this fighting. Lauren and Megan say nasty things about each other. This upsets Shannon the Stalker, who runs in the bathroom to puke. I’m hoping she is not going to try to kiss Jason with that mouth since you know girlfriend doesn’t have a toothbrush handy. Okay. Here’s how the rose ceremony pans out. Remember, Stephanie and Jillian are safe:

Rose #1 Molly

Rose #2 Lauren

Rose #3 Melissa

Rose #4 Naomi…forget she existed this week.

Rose #5 Shannon with the puke-breath

Rose #6 Nikki and her crazy boobs

Rose #7 Megan…really? Still? The producers must have forced him to keep her.

Who’s out? Kari, who you kinda forgot existed and Erica, who you wish you could forget existed. She’s like that obnoxious girl in school who was always really loud and somewhere along the way, someone thought that meant she was funny. No. Just annoying. The girl makes the ugliest faces, too. She says “I’m a real girl who likes to get down and dirty and rough and have fun.” Great. I’m sure there are plenty of bars where you can do that. We just don’t have to watch it anymore.

Next week, Molly winds up camping out with Jay-jay and coming home in his clothes. Doing the walk of shame on television….nice. And we see great drama in the final rose ceremony when…gasp….Jason refuses to give out the final rose. The drama!!!

Enjoy the rest of the week,

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Bachelor Blog will be late today...

for obvious political reasons. Sorry, I can't concentrate on anything else. Maybe by the end of the day or tomorrow...

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Pink Ladies

Before A was born, I had very strong opinions about the color pink. I myself had never been a big fan. The light stuff seemed wimpy, the hot pink stuff a little trashy. We were not friends, pink and I.

And then I discovered we were having a girl. And I decided she would not have the same issues I did with pink because I would keep it out of her life. People were afraid to buy me pink stuff at my shower. We painted her room bright green. Our diaper bag was black.

And then I actually had our girl. And you know what? It was impossible not to have pink in our lives. Not because I loved it so much. But because that's all there was. Sure, there was some yellow and white thrown in there but not much. The only other choice were nauseating baby blue onesies with baseballs on them. It was pink or go naked. Pink it was.

And then she got older and there were more choices. But somehow, pink kept reappearing in her closet. For one, it actually looked nice on her fair skin. And for two...and most importantly...she likes it. She prefers it. Unreal, but true. She will fight the good fight every night to wear pink pajamas. And will add a pink tutu to every outfit.

So how did this happen? Am I disappointed? Not at all. She's opinionated. Like her mama. And if this is something she feels strongly about, then more power to her.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Bachelor Round-Up #2..."It was like Slow motion when he took his shirt off..."

So. Two things. I will attempt to be amusing this Bachelor Round-Up but I’m a tad under the weather so keep your expectations low. Also…there was a battle of wills happening in our house last night as A. insisted she had to use the potty 15 times between 8 and 10pm. So…forgive me if I forget a detail or two….feel free to chime in if I leave out anything of importance.

The show started with more shots of Ty. I don’t know why this bugs me so much; we all know he has a kid, it just feels like Ty should have some say in whether or not he’s on tv. I’m sure when he’s like 12 he’ll be complaining to his shrink about it. Anyway, Ty is not staying around the Bachelor mansion to help Daddy pick up girls. No, Ty is headed back to Seattle to hang with his mysterious mother who broke Jay-Jay’s little heart.

Meanwhile, Chris the Dork Harrison introduces the ladies to their new mansion. He also explains that not everyone will go on a date with Jay-jay every week. This obviously sets the ladies off into a tizzy. So what did they do? Put on their bikinis and hop in the pool.

Ding-dong. Who’s there? Why, Jason of course. This sets the women into a further tizzy. Some of them are not wearing make-up or…gasp….wearing a ponytail! And the woman’s movement takes another mighty step back....

So ABC sees this as a great opportunity to force Jay-jay to give one woman a rose. Which means of course, they must all compete for his attention. Stalker Shannon is wearing a sequined bikini to hold up her fake boobs. A bold choice and not necessarily an attractive one. She attempts to attract his attention by throwing ice at him.

Then ABC makes a big ta-da moment out of Jason slowly taking off his shirt. They even do the slow-mo soft-porn camera. Full-on Velveeta moment. Botox Mom Stephanie sighs and says “he’s dreamy.”

And then Jillian the Hot Dog Lady is by his side, continuing to discuss the merits of different condiments. Still? We’re still talking about mustard here? Jason is disappointed to learn that Jillian originally thought he was a Ketchup Guy, which means Mama’s Boy. He assures her that he is most definitely a Mustard Dude. Of course he is. All Jewish guys eat mustard on their dogs. Duh.

In the meantime, Stalker Shannon smears Jay-jay with suntan lotion and calls touching Jason’s bare shoulders and chest “a gift.” Naomi the Eva Mendes Wannabe tries to impress Jason with all the charity work she’s done saving orphans. The most awkward moment of the night is when Stephanie attempts to politely interrupt Jason and Natalie. Poor thing makes him a drink…the kind you actually need to use a blender for….and stands there, holding it, waiting for him to invite to her speak. But he doesn’t. And Natalie doesn’t stop talking. So she just stands there like a waitress or something. Finally, she goes away. And drinks both drinks herself.

Finally, Jason gives the rose to Jillian the Hot Dog Lady, meaning she gets a special date with him that night. The girls are jealous until they realize Jillian will have to go out without having three hours to hot-roller her hair. Lauren says “Thank G-d it wasn’t me…I’d have to wear my hair in a ponytail!” G-d! Not a ponytail! The horror!

Jason is taking Jillian to Disney Hall which automatically impresses her because she is a fan of Frank Geary. I am just impressed she knows who he is. Jillian says “I didn’t think you’d be so cool…” In other words, she thought he’d be a big dork like the rest of America…or in her case, Canada. And then he says, “I’ve got another surprise for you…a surprise performance by Robin Thicke!” And she says “Get Oat!” or as we say here in the States, “Get out!” I kid. I actually think Canadian accents are quite charming. And Jillian is too and frankly much classier/brighter than most of the American girls on the show.

Now who is Robin Thicke you may ask? I did not know until last night because I apparently live under a rock. It seems as though he is the child of Alan Thicke of Family Matters, in case you care. He is also apparently been deemed “the most soulful white guy on the planet.” I suppose that’s a good thing. Though I do have to wonder if his career is going so well if this is his big gig. Jason and Jillian dance. Not very well, wow, downright bad. But love is in the air. And they smooch. Jillian says “it’s the most intimate date I’ve ever been on.” I like this Jillian. She seems normal, bright and funny. Therefore, he’s sure not to pick her because Jason has crap taste.

After Jason takes her home, Jillian is grilled by the ladies of the house. She kisses and tells, which gets Melissa all wound up because she has the next date with him.

Melissa and Jason go to a beach to eat oysters, despite the fact that they are both repulsed by them. Jason says “Melissa fits the mold of what I’m usually attracted to…but usually these girls aren’t ready to be settled down.” She assures them that while she used to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, what she really wants to do is teach first grade. And take care of her kids in the summer. We see little hearts and flowers and chirping birdies surround Jason’s face as he looks lovesick. And then the Goodyear Blimp appears. Because it just isn’t a date until the blimp shows up.

So Melissa asks the Blimp all these questions like it’s the Magic 8 Ball and surprisingly, it actually answers. Then they wind up going up in the blimp for a make-out session. Melissa says it’s her first kiss in a long time. Jason says it’s the most passionate kiss he’s had in a long time which doesn’t bode well for Jillian since he was just snogging with her the night before.

Next date, next date. Jason is taking 8 girls out at once. First he takes them to a boutique to pick out slutty dresses to wear. Then they go to a fancy hotel that overlooks LA and Jason has one-on-one time with them. Erica is immediately jealous as she watches him with other women, apparently because her last boyfriend cheated on her with a 52-year-old. Hmmm. Very random comment but interesting insight into her world.

So what happens on this date? I can tell you some of it but not all because I was being summoned to bathroom a lot by a 2-year-old who kept insisting she had to poo. But here’s what I got. There was talent show which included some “breakdance” moves on Jason’s part. There was synchronized swimming. And then Molly came and dragged him off for smooches. Not to be outdone, Naomi does the same, pleased that her kiss was longer. Meanwhile, Nikki freaks out that all this kissing is going on because she’s only kissed one boy since she was 17 which honestly, seems a bit weird to me. A tad prissy, perhaps? Reality tv is not the best place for people who get hung up on these sorts of things. Molly gets the rose on this date, much to the dismay of Naomi. Apparently longer is not necessarily better.

And then it’s time to take all the ladies home. Like a true gentleman, Jason sees them to the door. In the meantime, Raquel the Brazilian Stalker sees this as an opportunity. She hops into his limo when he’s not looking. When he opens the door, there she is, all “hello Jason” in a smoky voice. Jason looks around to make sure the cameras are still there and Raquel is not going to chop him up in a million pieces. She says “are you sick of me yet?” Jason looks like he can’t push her out of the limo fast enough. Raquel later tell the camera she “wants to be with someone who loves her so much, if she died, he’d never marry again and Jason could be that man.” Again. Creeeeeepy. Thanks Morticia Adams.

By the way, Marylou, who is sitting right next to me right now, is concerned about Nikki’s sideburns. Carry on.

And then it is cocktail party time. Lisa from Idaho, who I frankly forgot existed, pulls Jason aside to let him know she is leaving due to a family illness. The other girls feign disappointment except for Lauren who says, “as long as I get a rose I don’t really care.” And then there is some brouhaha between Erica and Megan, the two most white trash girls in the house. I can’t tell you much more about it because this is when I was being summoned to the bathroom by a small person who wanted me to do “the Pee-Pee dance” in celebration of her latest victory. Here’s how the rose ceremony panned out. Keep in mind Molly, Jillian and Melissa are safe:

Rose #1 Megan—Ugh. Really? Isn’t the trailer park missing her yet?

Rose #2 Nikki

Rose #3 Lauren

Rose #4 Naomi

Rose #5 Stephanie

Rose #6 Kari

Rose #7 Nathalie

Rose #8 Stalker Shannon

Rose #9 Erica

Who’s out? Raquel the Brazilian Morticia and Sharon to quit her job to come here. Tune in next week when Jason and the girls strip for charity. No, I’m not kidding. Could I even make this up??

Happy Tuesday,

Bachelor Round-Up "It was like slow-motion when he took off his shirt...."

Oops, sorry that post went out with just the headline, no idea how that happened as I didn't press post. Anyway, quite an interesting show last night, I thought....anyone else?

More to come in the bloggy-blog later.


"It was like slow motion when he took off his shirt...

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Bachelor starts at 8 Eastern, 7 Central...

super early for me, personally. And still, no rose ceremony up. Sigh. I guess that's how it's going to be.

Looking forward to tonight....let's see if Deanna shows up!

Happy Monday,

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Bachelor Round-Up #1...A Man and His Hot Dog

So what did our lovely new Bachelor Jason get for Chanukah this year? Apparently not a shirt.

Just how many times do we need to see Jason’s buff bod? How many close-ups of pecs does a person need? Do we need to see him oiled up, glistening with sweat? Apparently, ABC is desperate to have us watch and they think his bulging biceps will get us to tune in. Either that or they think his face isn’t cute enough and they need his body to work overtime. Hmmm…

Anyway, in case you haven’t heard, Jason is the poor sap who got dumped by Deanna. Never mind that Dee did him a favor since she is an idiot with bad eyebrows and Hollywood aspirations (good luck, dude.) But now he’s back….and ready to find a wife. Which I sincerely believe because this guy would propose to a rock if it was moving.

We begin by seeing shots of Jason driving to LA in a Soccer Dad car, complete with Ty in the backseat. He’s also brought along his brother Larry to act as Ty’s nanny. He does some more shirtless push-ups, kisses both of his biceps and heads off to meet with Chris the Dork Harrison.

In the meantime, we get to meet the lovely bachelorettes. We see them practicing their dance moves. Brushing and flossing. Packing 32 of their favorite pairs of shoes. And in Nikki’s case, wearing her Miss Illinois crown and sash and teaching her niece how to do a pageant wave. And who can forget poor little Renee from LA, sitting with her little dog on the couch making “vision boards.” In case you’re wondering, vision boards consist of Renee cutting up magazines and picking out words and pictures that she wants to envision her life becoming. Poor thing. I guess this is what happens if you’re really hungry and start to become delusional.

Then there is Jackie, the divorced wedding coordinator who has about 50 chips on her shoulder. And who can forget poor Stephanie, the widowed Botoxed mom from Alabama who takes us to visit her husband’s grave and tells her daughter “Daddy took a flight to heaven.” Kind of disturbing, ABC. For shame, for shame. There is also Lauren, the bubbly teacher from New Jersey who tells us she is “enthusiastic and attractive.” And of course there is Naomi, the Eva Mendes-look-alike who says “I handle bitches with a slap.”

Back to Jason and Chris. Chris tells him “hope the third time’s a charm” and sends him off to meet the ladies. Send in the limos!

Bachelorette #1
Lauren, the teacher from New Jersey. She’s cute in a Jen Aniston kind of way, very confident and wears a leopard print dress. It’s also her bday and she makes Jason guess how old she is. In case you care, she’s 27.

Bachelorette #2
Kari from Kansas. Actually, she’s really from Lee’s Summitt, Missouri which is a suburb of Kansas City. I know this because I’ve actually been there. She says she’s from “Dorothy Country” which it’s not but fine. She wears a very hot pink dress. Basically cute.

Melissa. She doesn’t swing her arms when she walks. Other than that, she’s a cute, perky brunette from Texas. Used to be a Cowgirls cheerleader, in case you need a reason to hate her.

Sharon from New York. For some reason, she does a little salsa dance. We later find out she’s a Spanish teacher so that makes sense. She is blonde and rather generic. You’ll remember her later because she tells Jason she quit her job to come on the show. No pressure or anything…

Natalie from Chicago. Fake blonde extensions and the worst spray tan I have ever seen. Like a tangerine. Wearing stripper shoes.

Naomi, the Eva Mendes look-alike. She keeps hiking up her dress which is a nasty habit. What, are we at prom here?

Megan. A brunette in a green dress. She has a 14 month old son and a potty mouth.

Stacia. Another single mom. Cute haircut though she looks like she could beat Jason up.

Jackie. The uber-annoying wedding planner from Dallas. She tells Jason he is gorgeous therefore requiring him to do the same.

Lisa from Idaho. Cute girl with odd eyebrows wearing green. She tells Jason he needs to go to Idaho for some potatoes. Oh course he does, since it’s such a rare delicacy….

Stephanie. The widowed mom. This is where we see further proof that a little Botox can be a scary thing. I’m sure she would have looked a lot better if she had just left well enough alone.

Treasure. Yes folks, this is her real name. Poor thing. Not much to say except she is wearing a short red dress.

Raquel from Brazil. She looks like a skinnier Salma Hayak so yes, she is drop-dead beautiful. The question is, is she too much for Jay-jay? We shall see.

Now with a name like Shelby, you just have to be perky. Actually, I once knew a golden retriever by that name. Shelby is a little like that, trying to work the Cameron Diaz thing. Not totally unappealing.

She walks her pageant walk, waves, sashays, smiles. Whatever it is she’s got, Jason likey. In fact, Chris interrupts him admiring her tush as she walks away.

Spunky little blonde in blue. Anxious to show off her golf skills. Tries to make Jason show off his swing right there and then but he refuses. Not a great sign.

A big girl in a too short gold dress. You get the feeling girlfriend has spent some time in a bar or two.

She tells Jason she is wearing an orange dress because it is Ty’s favorite color. Okay, a little much butt-kissing even for Jay-jay…

Renee from La. Poor thing needs a sandwich.

Jillian from Vancouver BC. Tells him she has a theory about hot dogs and men. You think there’s a joke coming in here somewhere but no. Ah, that Canadian sense of humor.

Dominique or Dom. Very giggly, very short blue dress. Seems excited not to be in her small town in PA. Needs an eyebrow make-over. Do I seem obsessed with eyebrows? I only notice them if they are exceptionally bad.

Emily. A blonde from Seattle. Very blonde, which Jay Jay is not down with. Will he keep her because she is geographically desirable?

Julie—an African-American teacher in a purple dress. We literally never see her again.

Ann—a flight attendant from Phoenix. We never see her again either.

Shannon. Gets out of the car wearing fake teeth. Ha ha! And she’s a dental hygienist. Even funnier!!! Can’t stand her….

And the cocktail party begins. Someone toasts Deeanna “because without her, we wouldn’t be here.” Shannon the dental hygienist has alone time with Jay-jay and we discover she is not only weird but a stalker, which is always an excellent combination. “I know the name of your brother’s girlfriend’s dog.”

Dom tells him she sells toe implants. Kari wrote him a love poem. Jillian cooks up some hot dogs and says the best thing a guy could be a mustard guy and “eating a hot dog depends on how you enjoy life.”

Jay and Jay and Miss Illinois Nikki have alone time and hold hands the entire time. He seems to be grilling her to make sure she’s okay with kids and she assures him she’s ready. Renee makes the mistake of explaining her “vision boards” and how they make things come true.

Raquel the Brazilian babe steals off with him to teach him to dance. Molly cuts in and Raquel steals him back. Stephanie tells Jay-Jay her tale of woe. Lauren gives Jason a government quiz and you’ll be happy to know he can name all three branches of government. All three! What a keeper. He presents her with birthday cake which is nice though she was hoping for the first impression rose. Stalker Shannon pops up and says “you looked good out there dancing” and beams at him. In the meantime, Jay-jay presents Nikki with the first impression rose, saying “you are absolutely stunning and I loved our easy conversation.”

Then comes the stupidest part of the night. Chris Harrson presents a ballot box where all the women get to pick the bachelorette they would most like to see leave the house. Megan wins. Of course, this doesn’t mean that Megan has to leave. Surprise! It’s a trick. It means she gets a rose and gets to stay. Sneaky, sneaky. Meanwhile, Megan calls them all something awful that ABC bleeps out. Lovely mom, that Megan.

Rose ceremony. Here’s how it played out. Remember, Nikki and Megan are already in.

Rose #1…Lauren the Jen Aniston wannabe.

Rose 2….Cary from Kansas

Rose 3…Naomi….Eva Mendes wannabe

Rose 4….Natalie. Really? He could do better than Ms. Clementine Orange.

Rose 5…Molly

Rose 6…Raquel

Rose 7…Stephanie the Botox Mom

Rose 8…Melissa…the Rachel Ray-esque cheerleader

Rose 9…Jillian the Hot Dog lady

Rose 10 Shannon the Stalker “I thought you’d never ask….”

Rose 11…Lisa from Idaho. An odd choice

Rose 12….Sharon

Rose 13…Erica. Again, pretty sure she’d beat him in arm wrestling but whatever.

Who’s out? Lots of folks but most memorably, Renee who said “I had envisioned this….perhaps this is is the middle of it, not the ending. I’m 36, professional and cute. My vision boards are real.” Jackie is drunk and says “I already had planned my beach wedding to Jason.” All righty, ladies. Back to reality, I’m afraid.

And then we get scenes from the upcoming season. And who do we see???Dun, dun, dun! Deannna's back! What??? We actually see her telling Jason “I made a mistake.” Now we know Jason is a sucker but is he really going to fall for this??? No. I refuse to accept it. He will not, can not propose to her. He’s allowed anyone else. Just not her. I will not watch the next Bachelor season if he picks Deanna.

Okay. I’m lying.

But I’ll be super-duper annoyed.

So there you have it, guys. Still no rose ceremony, maybe the recession has caught up with ABC and they can’t afford the cheesy tennis bracelet prize. Tune in for more drama next week….

Happy Tuesday,


"You can tell a lot about a guy by what he puts on his hot dog."

Yes, my friends, the new season is off with a bang. When you've got people discussing the merits of sauerkraut vs. ketchup, you know you're in for some quality television.

I have oh-so-much to blog about but I need a little time to get it together. So I promise for a whole wrap-up by day's end. In the meantime, just picture future episodes of Deahhnna begging Jason for a second chance. Because she's so exciting, we just have to see more of her.

Until later...


Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Bachelor...

It's that time of year again....the Bachelor begins anew. Thank G-d...I was starting to have withdrawal symptoms.

This time it's our good ole rejected buddy Jason. I've seen the previews on ABC and they're doing their best to sex him up....I think he wears a shirt for like two seconds of the whole commercial. It won't help his eyes from being so close together but still. I'm rooting for the guy.

Just wanted alert everyone to check out the new crop of bachelorettes at ABC.com. Here's where:


No rose ceremony game up at the moment but I'll keep you posted.

2 Hour Season premiere is this Monday, January 5th! Be there or be square.