Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Bachelor Round-Up..."I'm going to give my puppy the biggest French kisses..."

Yes, I know. We need DVR. But we don’t have it, nor do we seem to have time to organize ourselves enough to get it. So…once I again I got to the show a little late, apparently all I missed were the girls singing to Jason for some reason. If I missed more than that, let me know. Truthfully, I’m sure it was a nightmare….I predict most girls couldn’t sing except for a couple who were in pageants and probably belted it out in a most annoying fashion.

So by the time I actually entered the room, I saw that Molly is getting ready for a one-on-one date with Jay Jay. She says “I am so nervous I could pee my pants.” Seriously, if you’re going to be on television, perhaps you might try to find a more attractive way to describe your feelings? They are going to go back to Jason’s place “to hang out.” Back where I come from, this is a euphemism for going back to his place to hook up. Hmmm.

Jason and Molly eat junk food and he talks about how he’s attracted to her eyes. And then he says “I don’t want this date to end. Let’s go camping!” Okay, so he's living in a mansion and you've got to sleep outside? That sucks. He takes her into his backyard and he’s got a tent all set up. Suddenly, I realize this is going to turn into an overnight date. Hot damn, ABC has upped the ante! Not that I think anyone is having sex in there with the cameras rolling but man, there were certainly enough nauseating little moans and wet kissing noises. We hear Jason say “you have super-soft skin.” Barf….

Back at the house, the women are getting antsy because Molly’s not back from her date yet. Or rather, Shannon the Stalker is freaking out. She decides she is going to wait up for Molly. At the crack of dawn, Molly does her walk of shame, coming in wearing Jason’s clothes. Nice. It’s one thing to do it in the privacy of your own life…quite another to broadcast it on television. Melissa says “I don’t like this. She smells like him and she’s wearing his pants right now.” As long as she doesn’t smell like his pants…

Next up….it’s a group date to play doctor with Jason. No one knows what this means. And then they arrive on the set of General Hospital. How exciting! Particularly if it was 1985 and Luke and Laura were around and you actually cared about things like this. Instead, you see two nameless faceless actors acting badly. Like school play acting. But they all applaud like they’ve just witnessed Meryl Streep at her best. Apparently, they are all going to act out scenes from the soap opera that consist of making out with Jason and then possibly slapping him. Naomi gets to snog Jay-Jay like half a dozen times, freaking out Melissa. Jillian plants one on him and even poor pathetic Stalker Shannon gets to shove her tongue in his mouth. It’s almost like they’ve all kissed each other. Sure hope no one’s got a cold.

The most frightening kiss award has to go to Megan, who practically tackles him. Seriously, it looks like she is performing CPR. Megan says “it wasn’t acting.” If that’s the case, hope she goes out with athletic guys because girlfriend could seriously hurt someone.

They decide to have a “wrap party” on a fancy rooftop to celebrate their Oscar worthy performances. Only all the girls are pissy about all the kissing that went on all day. Naomi freaks out, Melissa freaks out, everyone gets their turn. And then Lauren decides to berate Jay-Jay. Her strategy is “I’m very forward and Jason might like being bossed around.” Interesting. I have to say that while there are a few guys out there who do enjoy being hen-pecked, most do not. Lauren says to him “Why’s megan still here? Do you like her? You need to give me the rose tonight or I’ll be pissed.” Mind you, I think all of her bravado is a front and she’s actually a tad insecure. Nevertheless, it’s annoying.

And then poor Shannon decides to go for it with Jason. Only, she basically begs him to keep her and weeps about how she wants to be a Mom and meet Ty. She says “I’m putting my heart on my shoulder.” I don’t know what this means. And then she says “this is me, picking my nose” and then goes in for a kiss. Jason stops her. Stalker Shannon finally sees the writing on the wall and says “he rejected me and said I had napkin on my face.” Hee-hee.

Jason winds up giving the rose to Naomi, much to Lauren’s dismay. She says “I feel like an idiot but if that’s the kind of girl he wants….”

Next day, the 2-on-1 date with Stephanie and Nikki. Nikki is very nervous because only one person comes from this date and she doesn’t think it’s going to be her. He picks them up in a Bentley and takes them to some fancy restaurant that reminds me of Tavern on the Green and I don’t mean that in a good way. They are going to take waltz lessons. For some reason, they are playing spooky Tim Burton-type music in the background for this. Anyway, Nikki and Jason are terrible dancers and Stephanie and Jason are great. Of course, she is also a dance teacher so this isn’t really fair. They each keep cutting in on each other so they can get alone time with Jay-Jay. In the meantime, Jason is trying to figure out who to send home….the Botox Mom he’s not really attracted to or the crazy uptight chick with the sideburns. He ends up letting Nikki go, who is in “shock” and says “I don’t know how much smarter or prettier I could be.” Poor thing. She still hasn’t really recovered that her boyfriend of 11 years dumped her. Might I suggest counseling? In the meantime, Jason and Stephanie share the least passionate, most awkward kiss on the planet.

And then it’s cocktail party time. Lauren makes more demands on him and tells the camera that “the other girls should go home cause we’re getting married.” Okay. Here’s how the rose ceremony panned out. Keep in mind that Stephanie, Molly and Naomi are safe:

Rose #1 Melissa

Rose #2 Jillian

And then…Jason picks up the rose and says, “I can’t do this. I don’t want to lead anyone else on. So I’m not giving away this rose.” Which means Megan, Stalker Shannon and Lauren are out. Megan is pissed. Shannon is excited about getting home to make out for her puppy. And Lauren is humiliated.

Next up…Jason takes all the ladies home to Seattle to meet Ty. That should be telling, because you can only pretend to like a kid for so long.

That’s it kids…better late than never.

Happy Tuesday,


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