Tuesday, June 30, 2009

"You may as well jump on the train now..."

What train is that? The Wes train. Going straight to the Chinchilla, Mexico Wal-Mart...the only place you can find his CD.

Guys, it's been a rough week....I've had a bug that would not go away. I will try to blog about this today but it may not happen. And of course, next week...the week of the overnight dates...I'll be away and not blogging! Sorry.

Anyway, I'll try to update today if possible.

Take care,

Friday, June 26, 2009

Tanner talks about his package...don't pretend like you're not going to read this...

My friend Andy sent me this and it was just too good not to pass along. Thanks, Andy! An article about Tanner talking about his manhood...now that's quality journalism:

Size doesn't matter to Jillian Harris.

Because if it did, the Bachelorette wouldn't have given Tanner Pope the boot.

Tanner confirmed to reporters yesterday that he has quite the impressive manhood.

"I was just blessed," he said.

Oh, that's not all he had to say about his self-described "man piece"…

Tanner is not shy about showing off what God gave him. "All the guys knew because we had outdoor showers and so they called me 'King Dong' and other things," he said. "I did tricks with my wiener."

And talking about, um, wieners..."I mean, I just had fun with it, man," Tanner said. "People would be out there barbecuing and stuff, cooking a steak, I'd be out there, you know, with my sausage dangling, hanging out."

PS: Tanner also proves what they say about men with big feet. His shoe size? 15!

—Reporting by Kirstin Heinle

It's raining, it's pouring...

We don’t always have the coolest soundtrack happening in our house. It’s not for lack of trying--we do play the Beatles, They Might Be Giants and lots of other good stuff around here. But sometimes, Girlfriend just wants to hear something kinda kid-like and corny. Nothing wrong with that. Those songs are all harmless. Right?

Until we got to the good old-fashioned favorite “It’s Raining, It’s Pouring.”

A: He bumped his head?
ME: Who?
A: The man. He went to bed and bumped his head? And didn’t get up…

Oh dear.

ME: It’s just a song. It’s pretend.
A: The man needs an ice-pack?
ME: It didn’t really happen. It’s like a story in a book.
A: The man bumped his head? Went to the doctor?
ME: The man is fine. I promise. He’s all better now.

And then yesterday, as I flicked around the channels trying to check the weather…I noticed an early Michael Jackson video. Actually, The Jackson 5. The perfect kind of music to introduce to Girlfriend. She was riveted. Who wouldn’t be? Young MJ was effervescent, beautiful, insanely talented. Of course, he never saw himself that way.

It was only a couple of minutes later that I realized why the video was on. When they started playing Thriller, I realized it was time to turn off the television. Not sure Girlfriend is quite ready for that.

Michael Jackson. Farrah Fawcett. Ed McMahon. When it rains, it really does pour.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Bachelorette Round-Up "Hey, why's this train slowing down?"

Once again, didn’t manage to see the entire show last night. I try. Really I do. My real life always seems to get in the way of the fake one on t.v. But just missing the first 15 minutes isn’t such a big deal, is it? I think the only thing I missed was the set-up…the guys are going on a cross-country train across the Canadian Rockies. Thus continuing the Canadian tourism fluff piece.

So despite the fact that all the guys are on the same train together…Jillian is having some alone time with Robby the bartender. Who’s Robby the bartender? He’s your buddy, he’s your pal, he fixes you a cocktail just the way you like it. But is he your husband? Uh. No. Jillian seems to know this but still spends a lot of time asking questions. He tells her “I wish I had the vocabulary to say how I feel.” So do we, Robby, so do we.

And then all of a sudden, the train slows down. Robby’s like “hey, why’s the train slowing down?” Jillian’s like, “um. Sorry.” And then Robby’s butt is kicked off the train, standing in the middle of nowhere with his suitcases, waving pathetically. I wonder how ABC pulled this off. Did Jillian wink at one of the waitresses who notified the conductor? Did she pull some kind of hand brake? Hmmm. Suppose we’ll never know.

The other guys are surprised that Robby got the boot. No one more so than Michael Electric Boogalu who actually starts to cry. Yes, cry. There there, Michael. In the meantime, Wes gets his game face on. He tells the camera “if anyone has an agenda here, I do. I have a CD coming out. The more I get of fame, I taste it, I eat it. I’ve got records to sell. So I’ll always have her wrapped around my finger.” I thought it seemed a bit odd that all of a sudden, Wes was coming clean. Like he enjoyed playing the role of villain or something. I’m starting to think his manager left him cue cards because it’s really feeling like he’s got some writers. I don’t think Wes is coming up with “I eat fame, I feel it inside me.” Way too deep for the man who wrote “They say love don’t come easy…” Which someone pointed out is what every single country song in the whole world is about.

I digress, I digress. Next day, Jillian shows up in her red hoodie (a Canadian specialty) and hands out the date card. Apparently, all the guys will be going snow-shoeing (ew) except for Reid, who will get a one-on-one date going snow-boarding (ew with pain involved). In other words, you date a Canadian, be prepared to like snow.

Tanner takes the opportunity to help Jillian with her boots, since it’s the closest he can get to her feet. Jake rolls around with Jillian in the snow and tries to tell Jillian her lurves her. He starts out by telling her she is a lot like his mom. I don’t care if your mom is a total rock star, most women don’t want to hear that. And then Kimpton interrupts and has a total make-out session with Jill. We’re talking hands on thighs and everything.

In the meantime, back on the train, Reid is bored. He is trying to get himself psyched up for his one-on-one date with Jillian. But he has no one to talk to. So he chats up the waitress on the train. She suggests that he not wear his glasses nor his hat. Then we see him talking to some conductor type, too. This guy says to be honest with his feelings. Reid says “I tend to overanalyze.” Reid is being portrayed as the neurotic one. Why? Because he wears glasses! And as we find out later…he’s Jewish! So if Wes is the Villian, Reid is Jerry Seinfeld.

Back on the group date, evening falls. Michael Electric Boogalu decides to step it up a notch. He starts a game of something like Truth or Dare but more just like Truth. He asks Jillian what she sleeps in. Tank top and underwear. And then Jillian starts asking the other guys what they sleep in. Only Tanner decides to illustrate. He peels off all the way down to his bikini underwear and says “that’s what Daddy wears.” Yes folks, I can’t make this stuff up. Jillian pretends to be horrified but still checks out his goodies, despite claiming she “isn’t ready to see anyone’s package yet.”

And then Jillian and Tanner have alone time and Tanner gets to rub Jillian’s feet. He says “they are soft as sh*t” which is always a nice visual picture. And then he says “she has high arches and if her toes were painted Mango, Mango..her feet would be a 10.” Again, I stand by my conviction that Tanner was nothing more than a plant…he is too one-dimensional to be an actual person and he is playing the part of Foot Fetish Weirdo a little too ridiculously. Note the ridiculous eye bulging as he touches her feet.

Then Jesse has alone time with Jilly and says his parents would fall in love with her. And then poor Michael Electric Boogalu tries to convince her that she has to come home with him or his parents and dog will disown him.

Later that night, Tanner owns up to being the one who told Jillian someone had a girlfriend. Wes gets instantly defensive, saying that he hates tattletales. In case you were wondering if were back in grade school, we know officially are with the use of the word “tattletale.”

Next day, the date with Reid aka Jerry Seinfeld. Reid attempts to snowboard. He mostly falls on his butt. She tells him her dream is to marry someone where every day is like Christmas morning. Reid says “in my world, that means no presents.” Jillian looks confused because she has never actually met a Jewish person before. Except Jason of course and I’m not sure she ever really was aware of that. Reid tells her that if you have red ears you either have high blood pressure or you are horny. And then he hands her some green m-n-m’s.

Evening part of the date…they are going to make fondue. This freaks out Reid because he is a germaphobic, something I can relate to. As we speak, I've got a bottle of Purell on either side of me and hand wipes in my bag. If this guy has problems with fondue, why doesn’t he have a problem with making out with a girl who has kissed like five other guys the night before? He’s going to have some serious issues during the overnight dates.

Anyway, despite the fact that Reid and Jillian have nothing in common, they decide they like each other and she gives him a rose. Which Reid promptly cleans off with a Clorox wipes before touching.

And now it’s that part of the show when we’re reminded there is a host. Jillian has a conversation with Chris the Dork Harrison about how she’s feeling. She says Wes is a Southern gentleman. Jake is gorgeous but too serious. Tanner keeps talking about the other men. And Michael is basically a child.

Okay. Here’s how the rose ceremony netted out. Keep in mind that Kimpton and Reid already have roses.

1st rose…Jesse

2nd rose…Wes….major eyerolls from the rest of the guys

3rd rose…Michael Electric Boogalu

Really? I mean, honestly? Jake goes home and Electric Boogalu stays? Is this guy really the potential future father of your children? Can you say “the producers forced me?”

In the meantime, Jake has a pity party for himself saying nice guys always finish last. Which leads me to believe that despite him being super-hot, he is always getting dumped. Hmmmm.

Next week, Jillian meets the families. Except for Wes, who introduces her to his band. Did he mention he has a CD coming out??

Have a good week, guys.


"Hey, why's this train slowing down?"

If you watched last night's show, then you know the answer to this question. Basically, poor Robby was left by the side of the railroad tracks in the middle of the Canadian wilderness. Hope the moose are friendly up there.

In the meantime, the sexual dysfunction issue did not rear its ugly...oh, I can't even say it. Apparently, that will be saved for the overnight dates.

More to come later,

Monday, June 22, 2009

Don't forget...

Bachelorette tonight. It's the sexual dysfunction episode...should be a winner...


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Bachelorette Round-Up..."You smell like snow, flowers and gasoline."

So last night was a very exciting show for me since I actually watched almost all of it in one sitting. This never happens anymore. Not to say we did not get one or two nocturnal visits from a toddler in cat pajamas but hey, it wasn’t bad. And no, we did not give her Benedryl.

I actually started watching the show from the point where Michael “Electric Boogalu” was on a one-on-one date with Jillian. Anyone else but me getting strong gay vibes from him? Like he is cute and charming but clearly not straight. They are at some wine bar and Michael is pretending he knows something about wine. They drink champagne. By the way, no guy on the planet likes champagne. He says “it’s the best champagne I’ve ever had.” It’s like, the only champagne he’s ever had since he is barely 21. Jillian asks him if he is ready to settle down. He says “I’m cheesy. If a girl kisses me on the mouth, I’m in love.” Jillian looks at him in that pathetic way you might look at the kid in class who cries when he has to give an oral report and says “why did you really come here?” This stumps Electric Boogalu. He says “I haven’t been on a date with a girl…or man…since then.” I think it was a joke. Hmmm. Maybe it was all that wine but Jillian gives him a rose. Maybe she just wanted to see him do that pop-n-lock move again.

Next day…a group snowmobiling date. Oh, I forgot to mention, they are up in Whistler. Yup. Still doing the Canada thing. Apparently, Jillian is a true Canadian because she never looks like I do in the snow which is cold, runny-nosed and miserable. Nah, she looks downright chipper. She has some alone time with Robby the Bartender. For some reason, I keep forgetting this guy exists. She interrogates him about whether or not he is ready for a family. He claims he is. Jillian does not think he is the guy with the girlfriend. Next, she has alone time with Tanner. I am pretty sure she is only keeping him around to see if he will tell her who the guy is with the girlfriend. He will not say, only advising her “keep your eyes open and you’ll see who is here for the right reasons.”

As if on cue, Wes pops out of the snow, guitar in hand. They make out and talk about the rose ceremony. Wes says he was pretty pissed out about it and says “all the guys think it’s me with the girlfriend and I have a new CD coming out.” I don’t see the connection here but he someone manages to say “I have a new CD coming out” yet again in the conversation. Then he carves it into the snow. Jillian concludes that he is definitely here for the right reasons and the fact that HE HAS A NEW CD COMING OUT has absolutely nothing to do with it.

And then it is night time. Time to hang out in the freezing cold snow by the fire! Seriously, how is her nose not red? Ah yes, a make-up artist. Maybe I just need to travel with one of those all winter. Jillian has some alone time with Kiptyn. And there is kissing. Ladies and gentleman, there is tongue. Lots of it. And not the kind you serve on rye bread with mustard.

She has alone time with Reid. He tells her she smells good, “like snow, flowers and gasoline.” Ha ha. That Reid is a card. Seriously, though, Jillian says. Who has a girlfriend? Reid says, we all do except me. I have two wives. Ha, ha, Reid! Knee-slapper.

Meanwhile, Ed is getting moody. All of a sudden, his boss tells him he needs to come back to work or get fired. In reality, I think he has realized that Jillian, while a nice enough girl, is not perhaps one worth battling ten guys for and certainly not worth losing several paychecks over. But this is not what Ed tells Jillian. He tells her she is exactly what he’s looking for. Jillian gives him the rose in an effort to convince him to stay.

Next up, a one-on-one date with Jesse. Now, I happen to think Jesse’s pretty cute and he’s a winemaker. Plus he doesn’t have spiky hair or do pop-and-lock moves, which makes me like him even more. He and Jillian are going on a Canadian’s fantasy date…hanging out on their own private glacier. Some people dream of a fantasy island, others a huge chunk of ice. Jesse and Jillian frolic in the snow. They kiss but it is fairly innocent. Mostly they keep talking about how this is the most AMAZING DATE EVER!

And then it is night. Jillian tells Jesse she is willing to put her life in someone else’s hands for a couple of years and move. Jesse tells Jillian her voice is so sexy it makes him want to fall asleep. This somehow leads to them making out in the hot tub. She says there are major sparks. He says he won’t be able to sleep that night. Everyone is happy. Until…

The next day. That's when Mopey Ed announces that he’s going to leave the show. He can’t even look like he’s that sad about going. However, he does attempt melancholy by telling Jillian he wants to keep the rose she gave him. What’s he going to do with it, press it into a book next to his Prom tickets? Jillian tells Ed not to let work get in the way of a person you are crazy about it. This is easy for her to say when she’s got like ten other guys to pick from.

The rest of the show after this is boring. Lots of Jillian whining and crying in the snow about Ed’s departure. Come on, ABC, this is the best you’ve got? It gets so boring, our dorky host has to step in and interview Jillian about the way she’s feeling. She says Tanner needs to focus on her more and Jake is too perfect. Well, what’s wrong with being perfect, I say? She’s nuts if she drops him and keeps people around like Wes WHO HAS A CD COMING OUT SOON. LOOK FOR IT IN WAL-MART IN CHINCHILLA, MEXICO.

Rose ceremony time. Jillian skips the cocktail party and gets right down to business. Basically Mark gets kicked off. Right now you’re probably thinking who? Exactly. You won’t miss him.

Next week on the Bachelorette….it appears that someone gets an overnight date with Jillian. Only…Houston, we have a problem. Did they really mention erectile dysfunction in this promo? Seriously? ABC, you have no shame. And I love it.

Good times, people. Good times.

Have a great week,

"You smell like snow, flowers and gasoline."

Decent show last night, I thought. Though Wes is still there.

I hope to get the rest to you by the end of the day.

Have a good one,

Monday, June 15, 2009

Something trivial...and not-so-trivial too....

Firstly, the Bachelorette is on tonight at 8pm Eastern time. 2 whole hours, if you can stand it. Though if Wes gets kicked off, it might be worth watching.

Okay, here's the not so trivial part. I heard a story on NPR that really stuck with me and I wanted to share it. Did you know that the number 1 cause of death for women in developing countries is childbirth? Not malaria. Not AIDS. But simply trying to become mothers.

Did some looking around online and found this site:


This organization is trying to help women in developing countries get transportation to hospitals, family planning and emergency obstetric care. According to this website 762,932 women died just last year. That is astounding to me.

Anyway, instead of procrastinating on Facebook today (like I usually do)...check out this site. It's really eye-opening and it makes you want to do something. Which is why I'm sending it to you now.

Have a nice Monday.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The Bachelorette continues....

Okay. So. I'm back.... though I never got to watch much of the group date. Or the end of the date with Kipton. But last night, I did manage to catch the super-awkward attempted kiss by David.

Now. David’s got problems. He’s got crazy eyes. The only possible reason why she could possibly be keeping him around are the producers. Like seriously, I’m not sure he hasn’t killed someone yet.

The worst part is, David’s the type who assumes you want him to kiss you. Ever met one of those? You already know he’s a bully with the guys, turns out he is with women too. He insists Jillian wants to kiss him. She’s like, um…no. And he’s like, you totally want me. Girlfriend is giving the Heisman…but he still keeps going for it. And then he has the nerve to like, inappropriately touch her shirt. I believe a couple of you told me he also slapped her on the butt. At that point, I would take the rose and swat him across the face with it. David, who apparently is familiar with the river called Denial, says “she’s holding back…she’s testing me and I love it.” Jillian in turn gives the rose to Jesse the wine maker.

Next up, a two-on-one date, meaning one guy goes home and one stays. The date is with Mike, the confident Speedo guy and Mark the…hmmm. I barely remember Mark. Why? Because he’s a member of the spiky-hair brigade and he looks like ten other guys in the house. Mike lays it out on the line with Jillian, running over to her and scooping her up, holding her hand in the helicopter and telling Jillian there isn’t anything he would do to make her happy. Mostly, Mark sits there with his mouth open, not saying much. When Jillian says she wouldn’t be okay if she didn’t find a mate, Mark says he’d be fine buying a dog and moving to Alaska.

So who do you think the rose goes to? Hmmm…let’ s think about this for a moment. Who is the suitable mate here? Yup. You’ve got it. Mark, the guy who will be happy in his igloo with a view of Russia. Naturally.

Back to the mildewy hotel. It’s cocktail party night. Jillian spends some alone time with Reid and his totally cool glasses. I can’t tell you how much better I think he looks with them. Just more interesting. They smooch. And you know what? These two actually look like a couple.

Unlike our friend Wes. Wes doesn’t have many friends in the house. Jake says “there is the side to Wes that she sees and the one the rest of us see.” For some reason, Jillian insists upon making out with him. Tanner tells Jake that Wes has a girlfriend. Of course, Tanner has a boyfriend...so who is he to talk?

Unfortunately, Tanner makes the mistake of telling Jillian that one of the guys has a girlfriend. This sends Jilly into a tailspin. The rose ceremony consists of the most ridiculous stand-off in Bachelor history. Chris tells everyone the rumor that someone has a girlfriend and everyone spends most of the time denying and it telling everyone else around them “to man up” and admit it. Scintillating television, I gotta tell ya. Of course, no one admits jack squat.

The only good news? Crazy-eyed David and Juan are out. Juan declares that he and Jillian “will be friends forever.” David is , well, angry. He whispers to Jillian, “why?” Because you’re a psycho, dude. He still thinks the reason he’s out is because “someone threw him under the bus.” Yes. You did.

Tune in next week when it appears that Jillian continues to badger Tanner into telling her who has the girlfriend. Could this be the end of Wes? “You know love don’t come eeeasssyy…”

Good night,

P.S. My apologies for any typos...it's late and I'm tired.

Bachelorette Round-Up...first half...okay, first quarter...

I’m trying,guys. Really, I am. But the show is just not that interesting this season. I’ve seriously considered skipping the blog on it because…not only is the show kind of boring, I’m not sure anyone I know is actually watching it. If you’re watching this season, let me know because so far, I think it might just be me and Stacy Kay.

The big news this week? Everyone’s going to Vancouver! Yay! Home of the really yummy sushi, friendly people and no sunshine ever, at least not when I’ve ever been there. And where is everybody staying? Um…the Fairmont? Really? Really? There are lots of nice hotels in Vancouver. This isn’t one of them. It looks nice on the outside. Let me assure you, it is not. We stayed there once during a shoot and it smelled so old and mildewy, we had to check out. So when all those guys seem impressed by the Fairmont suite, please know they are being sarcastic.

Jillian has a one-on-one date with Kiptyn. It didn’t occur to me until last night that Kiptyn is like a better-looking Jason. Thankfully, his eyes are not quite so close together. Jillian and Kiptyn are going to kayak to Granville market to pick up food for dinner. And while I’m happy that I actually know where they are talking about and it’s nice, I stifle a yawn.

Kiptyn and Jillian talk about how wonderful it is that they both do charitable work. And then the computer I was watching the show on decided to stop working. I tried to make it work. It laughed at me. I called tech support, hoping upon hope they would not ask why I was watching the Bachelorette during work hours? My defense…if asked…would be…it was lunchtime! I thought I was allowed! No??

More to come later….I promise.

"What happens when you make it big and all the girls want you?"

This is Jillian talking about Wes. Hmmm. Why do I think this isn't going to happen?

More to come later...


Monday, June 8, 2009

Don't forget...

Bachelorette tonight starts at 8pm. Hold onto your seats for two of the longest hours of your life.


Friday, June 5, 2009

The scoop on poop

I was smug. I fully admit it. When A. started using the potty before her 2nd birthday, I was feeling rather proud. What is all this nonsense about children refusing to use the potty, I thought to myself? Clearly, that is a problem for other people. People with inferior children.

All I have to say is, ha.

While we started out strong, as we are nearing A.'s third birthday, she is not potty-trained. Dare I say, we are not even close. Oh sure, she will occasionally throw us a bone and give a little tinkle in the potty. But when it comes to poop, there is no way, no how, no doing.

She totally knows when she is going to do it, too. In fact, she makes a big show of it...must go to a specific corner....must have her hand held....must discuss the contents (a little tiny one vs. diarrhea). By the way, if you're reading this while eating breakfast or something, you may just want to stop now, it isn't going to get any better from here.

The bizarre thing? Lately after she poops, she insists she "wants to see it." We thought this was a fabulous opportunity to encourage her to use the potty so she could see it better. In fact, we told her, sometimes you make poop in fun shapes:

A: Like play-doh?

ME: Yes. Only you don't play with it.

A: No?

ME: Definitely not.

A: I can make a heart?

ME: Sure. Maybe.

A: Or a star?

ME: Um...

A: How about a snake?

ME: Yes. You could definitely do that.

A: Can I make a hot dog?

ME: Yes. Only you absolutely must never, never eat it.

A: I made one like a hot dog once. In the bath.

ME: I remember.

Mind you, this little chat has not in any way encouraged more pooping on the potty. But she did tell me her Ernie doll did it. Apparently, he made a duck.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Bachelorette Round-Up....Kind of

Is it me or is the show super-incredibly boring this season? Now I think Jillian seems like a lovely, low-key person but that doesn’t always make for the best television. I’ll take Deanna and her stupid white jeans any day of the week.

In the meantime, I really don’t have enough material for an entire update so instead here is a list of random observations (and who I'm referring to):

1. If a guy claims he’s looking for a unicorn and he’s not joking, probably not the best candidate for the father of your child. (Sasha)

2.When a guy says “he’s used to being the top dog” and looks like he might want to kill someone and possibly already has…perhaps you should not give him a rose. (David)

3.If you’ve been in a car accident where a truck landed you on your back, collapsed a lung and paralyzed your legs, perhaps driving like a maniac is not the best plan? (Sasha)

4.If a crazy-eyed dude who is much bigger than you insists you should not walk towards him, maybe you shouldn’t. (Juan)

5. If a guy seems to notice what you are wearing more closely than you do (“yes, you were wearing a pink hoodie, you looked great) and seems like the kind of person you’d like to go shoe shopping with…maybe you are destined to have more of a Will & Grace relationship. (Juan)

6.If a guy wants to touch your feet all the time, and says he wants to “suck them and tweeze them”…maybe he’s being paid by ABC to make an ass of himself? (Tanner)

7.If you make out with several guys all in the same night, shouldn’t you at least chew some gum in between each one? (Jillian)

8.If a guy keeps trying to serenade you every time a camera goes on, perhaps meeting a woman isn’t his only reason for being on the show. (Wes)

9.If a guy claims he is a “drifter” only dresses like a geeky banker, he’s not really a drifter. (Brad)

10.If you spend two hours watching something that makes you yawn…and even more pathetically TAKE NOTES ON IT….perhaps you need to get a life? (That would be me.)

That’s it, friends. Enjoy the rest of your week.

"I'm here to suck on some toes."

Quality television, my friends. Quality. More on the show later.


Monday, June 1, 2009

Bachelorette's on tonight at 8...

that's 7pm for those of you in Central time. Way, way toooooo early for me...but just thought you should know.