Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Name, name, what's your name?

This is the way A.'s ballet class starts out every week. I'm sure at some point they will just start with warm-up exercises but when you're four, you start with a song.

And the song is important because that way everyone knows everyone else's name. Plus it's helped me learn that if you are the type of parent who puts your daughter in ballet, you are also usually the type of parent who names your daughter with something that ends in the letter "a." I include myself in that category.

I will say when we named our daughter, I didn't know anyone else with that name. It also worked perfectly with the middle name we wanted for her, Jo, which was the name of my husband's mother. So it seemed old-fashioned name that wasn't super popular but not something so obscure people looked at you funny.

Safe to say, lots of people must have felt the same way about that name because A's name is everywhere now. And on the rise. Sigh.

Now, I must tell you as someone named Nanette, I have strong opinions about names. I was usually the only Nanette in the room and I liked it that way. Even now, on the rare occasion I meet one, I tend not to like the person automatically. The name is mine...go away and be Nanette someplace else. I'm sorry if this sounds ridiculous but you can't possibly understand my situation if you have a name like Michael or Lisa or Jennifer. If your name runs to the unusual side, well, you tend to be a little protective of it and want to keep it that way.

Of course, as a kid, I totally wanted a name you could find on a light switch or a pencil or a bike license plate. But once I accepted the fact that was never going to happen, I started to feel a little superior and yes, smug that my name wasn't like anyone else's. At least it was memorable. And let's face it, light switches with your name on it are pretty lame anyway.

So imagine my dismay when I discovered that A's name is creeping up the name popularity list. And horror of horrors, she isn't the only one in her ballet class who has it. There are not 2 A's, but three. THREE.

And now, I'm pregnant with a boy. We do not have a name yet. We do have letters we would like to use as his first and middle initials but that is it. I have a few names I like. But. They are not terribly terribly unusual. Most unusual names for boys strike me as trying too hard. Or just hard to wear for a lifetime. So we are struggling. Do we go more common (but not trendy....nothing that rhymes with -aden since that makes me ill) or do we branch out? Do we dare to name him something like Atticus or does that also bear with it the annoyance of having every person he ever meets bring up "To Kill a Mockingbird?" I mean, I can't tell you how many people bring up the musical No, No, Nanette...which is a pretty mediocre musical at best. Do I want to do that to my son?

Here are my personal requirements:

Something simple

Something that starts with M, W, B or J

Nothing too ethnic...of any ethnicity

Nothing that ends in the "y" sound

Nothing that is unisex...since I think once it becomes a popular name for a girl, the girls own it.

Nothing that sounds too harsh to the ear (for example the name Bram would be out since to me it sounds like a noise a goat would make).

Nothing too trendy

Nothing that sounds like it could possibly be the name of a serial killer.

So you see, my requirements are simple, really. Any suggestions? Send 'em my way. I'm sure you have an opinion, everybody does.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Things I am not qualified to explain

There are a lot. Higher math, football special teams, the Tea Party, just to name a few. But it wasn't until a recent trip to Florida that I realized this also included the nativity scene.

I know what you're thinking. What's to explain? It's a baby, his parents, some kings and some sheep. Of course, there is way more significance to it but being a Jew, I can really only topline it. I don't know all the intricacies and to be honest, never really considered them. Until A. and I encountered a nativity scene in a mall in Florida.

A: Look Mommy! Dolls!

I looked around frantically for my husband. As the non-Jewish half of the parental unit, this was his job to explain. I had already covered Chanukah, Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Purim....even Tu Bishvat. This manger scene surely qualified as his territory. Alas, he was no where to be found, lost in the hateful labyrinth that is Sawgrass Mills mall. I sighed.

ME: Well....they aren't dolls exactly.

A: I want to touch them.

ME: Oh, no, you can't.

A: Why?

ME: They aren't meant to be touched.

A. rolled her eyes at me. A new thing she has learned in PreK. Thanks, PreK.

A: There are kings there. Why are there three? Who is the real king? And where is the queen. Why is that lady dressed as a bride?

ME: She isn't. She is the mommy of the little baby.

A: Is it a boy baby?

ME: Yes. His name is Jesus.

A: Well, it looks like a girl to me.

ME: Trust me. It's a boy.

A: Why are there sheep there? That's funny.

ME: Everyone wanted to visit the baby.

A: Sheep don't visit babies.

ME: Well, in this case, they did. Lots of people thought he was a special baby.

A: Why?

Oh dear. Where is my HUSBAND??

A: Is that lady clapping?

ME: Who? Mary?

A: How do you know her name?

ME: Everyone knows her name. She is not clapping. She is praying.

At this point, A. attempts to leap over the fence surrounding the nativity scene.

ME: Hey. No.

A: I want to hold the baby.

ME: I told you. You can't.

A: But it's a baby doll. I want to hold her.

ME: It's a "he."

A: I think it's a girl. Ohhhh. Look over there.

ME: Santa Claus?

A: No. Ice cream.

ME: Let's go.

A: Can I pet the sheep?

ME: Not this sheep.

A: Bye Jesus! Hey, maybe that's what we should name Baby Brother.

ME: Hmmm. Maybe not.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Author! Author!

It's not that I planned on my daughter becoming a writer or anything. It's just that I assumed, well, it might be a possibility. It being in her blood and all.

Dad and Mom, both writers. The girl was doomed.

And okay, so maybe, just maybe, when I was considering baby names, I thought about how hers might look on the cover of a book. The name would have some gravitas for it to work. I just didn't think anything too cutesy or sexy will set her up for a possible place on the best seller's list. Lacy was clearly out.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So yesterday was our first parent-teacher conference at A's preschool. We got to view her art "portfolio" among other things. And then the teacher presented the book that A had written and illustrated.

"It's about a princess," The teacher said. Surprise, surprise. We nodded and smiled at the pink scribbles on the front cover. "Want to read it?"

Of course we did.

It went like this:

"Once there was a princess. She died."

Okay. But it continued.

"And then there was an airplane. It fell out of the sky and broke. The end."

We nodded.

"Well," I said to my husband later. "Clearly she is more of a plot-driven writer than a character-driven one."

"Should we be worried?"

"Nah. Maybe she's more of an action/adventure type writer."
He looked at me.

"It's fine. So she'll appeal to more commercial markets that way."

He sighed.

A writer is born.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Please stand clear of the huge stomach that's about to hit you in the face

Seriously, I was hoping I wasn't going to have to write this. Really, I was.

I am always the first to defend New Yorkers and their manners. All kinds of random acts of kindness have befallen me through the years. And some random acts of not-much-kindness but still. The good clearly outweighs the bad.

And then I got pregnant.

Now, this is obviously not my first time as a pregnant mama in NYC. I made it through 8 months of subway commutes last go around, made even worse by a super hot summer and extremely puffy feet. And while I didn't get a seat every time, I did get a lot of offers. Yes, we could talk about who usually offered the seats (generally youngish African American men or Latino men) or what lines were better for getting seats (the F is very mama friendly, the 6 forget about it)...but the point is, I got offers.

This time, I've been offered a seat exactly twice. I might add that I ride the subway at least twice a day during the week, usually more.

There is the old avert-the-eyes trick. This is particularly lame when my stomach is practically smacking you in the face. There is the I've-seen-you-and-now-I-am-suddenly asleep. Oh yes, you clearly deserve an Oscar. The worst is, I've-seen-you-and-it-is-your-fault-for-getting-pregnant look. This usually comes from some 20-something woman who cannot fathom letting themselves get fat enough to get preg. Sort of a you-brought-it-on-yourself-now-deal look.

Now. I am not an invalid. There are clearly people who deserve a seat more than me. But. My back really really hurts. Sometimes I feel a bit queasy. Sometimes, weird pains hit me at odd times, like the little homie inside is trying to make a break for it. A seat would be awfully, awfully nice.

So all I have to say to those of you pretending not to see or pretending to sleep or judging my condition, karma is a bitch, man. One day you will be pregnant or someone you love might be. And I'm telling you, what comes around, goes around.

Come on, New Yorkers, I'm rooting for you. Don't let me down. Help a sister out, why don't you. I don't want to have to take back all the nice things I've said about you.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

My new boyfriend

In case you're wondering, his name is Jay. In case you're wondering, yes, my husband does know about him. And he totally approves.

Jay is really tall and slim and we spend a lot of time in bed together. That's because Jay is my new body pillow. He is as long as a king size bed, which is quite impressive, really. Mostly, he lies there smugly, waiting to be snuggled, which he knows will happen since I need serious comfort. He is also shaped like the letter "J." Hence, his name.

Why do I need Jay in my life?

Simple. I am pregs.

If you're reading this, you probably already know this information because I announced it to all 408 of my Facebook friends last week. Yes, perhaps kind of cheesy to declare it to the whole world that way. But I've spent a lot of time worrying about this situation. So finally, it was a relief to sort of shout from the electronic rooftops.

And now you know why I haven't been blogging. Hard to share things about yourself when the biggest thing happening in your life you can't talk about. But I'm back. And I promise not to be pregnancy girl talk all the time. Because let's face it...if you are a male, you do not care. And if you are a female, you've already been there...done that. Or if you haven't done that, you might be completely horrified by the gory details. So I'll keep that talk to a dull roar.

Meanwhile, our girl is super excited about the prospect of a baby brother. We'll see how girlfriend feels about it when he starts waking her up in the middle of the night. Currently, she is kind of pissed off that he hasn't shown up yet. She still claims to like the name Cream Cheese but has opened up her options to include Mango, Butter or Zack.

My current hopes are that Baby Boy doesn't show up early like Baby Girl did, that he never dates a Kardashian and that he stops forcing me to eat things like Sprees, Smarties and slices of lemon. Oh, and that he stops leaning on that part of my back that I believe the doctor called the sciatic nerve. I thought only old people had sciatica. Apparently either this isn't true or I am old.

Anyway, that's where my boyfriend Jay comes in. A snuggle from Jay keeps the sciatica away. After all, he's got to earn his keep. Boyfriend kinda hogs the bed.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

What I won't be watching...probably

Okay. Maybe...just maybe...if I am having an exceptionally horrific day I might turn on the new show, Bachelor Pad again. Most likely not. Here's why:

Eating contests.

Dude. Disgusting. Someone inevitably barfs and that is just something no one needs to see. Bad enough that sometimes you do it...or even worse...have to clean up someone else's. I also realized something profound as I watched people like Krissily and Tenley compete in Survivor-style challenges...I fundamentally don't care about these people. At all. Not saying I will never blog about Bachelor-related things again but I do not care about this pack of Bachelor rejects. I wish them well. I just no longer wish them on my television anymore.

But the folks from Glee, True Blood and Mad Men? More, please.

Summer's been crazy but now that it's almost over...I plan to pay a bit more attention to the blog again. Starting with redesigning it because I must say...these polka dots are making me a bit dotty. So watch for it.

Until then, I must go prepare for a princess party.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A blog about why I'm not blogging

I totally didn't blog about the Bachelorette last week. And I won't be this week. Here is why:

1. Ali is just unpleasant to watch. I don't find her charming. Or even cheesy enough to mock, like Jake. Basically, she is boring. No interest in spending time analyzing her life.

2. I 'm pretty sure she doesn't pick anyone. The only one she has chemistry with is Roberto. And she's insecure around him because she thinks he is too good looking for her.

3. I think she is trying to get herself a gig on Dancing with the Stars. Oy.

4. None of these guys are very appealing either. You need someone to root for. Who is it this time? The greasy-haired professional wrestler, Rated R? The casting is horrible.

5. I am saving my energy for the new show, Bachelor Pad...which will feature lots of controversial people from Bachelor Shows past. Michelle with the crazy eyes? Check. Elizabeth the girl who wouldn't kiss? Check. David with anger management problem? Check. I'm so in.

In the meantime, sorry if I have disappointed you. But I just can't waste my time writing about this. I'm saving myself for other things.

Have a good Tuesday,

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Poo poo

That is my daughter's favorite word to say, unfortunately. She thinks it is hilarious. So would I, if it wasn't coming out of her mouth. When things get more serious than she would like, that is what she says...poo poo. And then waits for a laugh.

So...poo poo. Laughter? Anyone?

Yes, I know I need to blog further but I simply cannot tonight. Girlfriend is still awake...yes, still awake! This after accidentally locking herself in her room, my husband taking off the doorknob, A. deciding her bedroom was keeping her awake and insisting she could only sleep in our bed. Awesome. This is turning out to be just the relaxing evening I was hoping for.


I will blog tomorrow.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I took a week off...

I didn't mean to. Work just decided it for me. Promise to take notes and take things more seriously. Even though rumor has it that Ali doesn't pick anyone.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

"He's like Mr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde..."

Yes, folks....I did watch it last night. Didn't take notes so the recap will be late. But it will happen. Yes, it will.

And by the way...rumor on the street is Ali didn't pick ANY one. Awesome. So she's annoying and doesn't give everyone a happy ending. Perfect. Time well spent.

More to come.


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Who's lamer than Ali the Bachelorette?

Me. Because I didn't write a round-up this week. I. Just. Couldn't. Do. It.

Here are the reasons I did not write it:

1. Ali's hair extensions. I'm sorry but the only people who should wear them are drag queens, period.

2. I am getting old. Because I simply do not find any of the men on this show remotely appealing. Okay, maybe just Roberto. But the rest look like high schoolers. And not like the cute high school men on Glee.

3. Men having hissy fits is not nearly as much fun as women having hissy fits.

4. The poof. The hair poof, that is. If you came of age during the late 80's/early 90's, you will know the hair poof I am referring to. It is that little bit of hair in the front that deliberately sticks up. Why? No idea. But it was "the thing" back then. Now when I look back at pictures, it seems ridiculous. Well, on this show, The Poof is Craig's hair. The fact have to work to get The Poof. And if he is working to get The Poof, then I can't watch him.

5. Bad editing. Okay, ABC...we get that you edit this show to death. But seriously...if you are going to make it seem like Jonathan the Weatherman is the one getting the last rose for dramatic reasons....DON'T SHOW HIM IN AN EARLIER SHOT WEARING A ROSE. Did you think no one would catch that??

6. Ali laughs a little too hard at things that just aren't funny. That's what people do who have no actual sense of humor.

7. The elf factor. That's what all the men look like. And I don't like elves. They creep me out.

Promise to try harder next week....sorry to disappoint you guys!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Elves, elves...everywhere!

That was my impression of the men last night. Seriously, they should start filming the Hobbit there...lots of casting choices.

Can you tell I am finding this season utterly unwatchable? Egads.

More later.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

"Hope it's not too early for the shooter story.."

Um. It's always too early for the shooter story. Particularly when you find out why this guy is called Shooter. Yeah. It's what you're thinking.

But...I digress. I will tell you that I should not be blogging tonight nor should I probably be anywhere near a computer. Nevertheless, here I am.

I've decided I feel badly for Ali. She is in over her head. I don't think she is equipped to deal with all these guys and she is clearly so nervous, she looks like she may topple over. That and ABC gave her blond extensions and a very bad spray-on tan. She is seriously looking like some sort of citrus fruit at this point. And between that and her boobs on display...she basically looks like Vienna now minus the crossed eyes.

And then there are the guys. Oh man. I can only guess that casting choices were slim. What other excuse could there be for this year's litter? Since the first show is really all about meeting the guys anyway...I'll give you my initial impression of each possible suitor. Here we go:

First out of the limo is Chris H. There are a lot of Chris guys this season. How to distinguish this one? He is cute and Canadian. I can't really tell you more than that. PRO: Appears normal. CON: Probably isn't. And Canadians are so nice, it can be a bit grating at time.

Next up, the Peculiar dude. You know...from Peculiar, Missouri! Ha ha! Hilarious! This guy Jesse makes this joke and Ali looks at him like he has three heads. PRO: Guys from Missouri are nice, I married one. CON: Not even my husband from Missouri has heard of Peculiar, Missouri. Must have like three people in it. Plus this guy's hair makes him look like a porcupine.

Next up, Chris L from Cape Cod. He's kind of cute, sounds like a Kennedy and was devoted to his mom, taking care of her while she was terminally ill. Aww...PRO: A family guy. CON: Red Sox fan. And he used the word "wicked" and not while talking about a witch. Oy.

Next, Ty from Nashville. "Nice to meet you darlin!" Oh man, you know this guy is going to get out a guitar and strum some country tunes. Can you say Wes? Hello, ABC about some new material? PRO: Um. Ty is a nice name. CON: The chewing tobacco you know he has stuffed in his pocket.

The next dude pops out of the top of the limo sunroof. That's cool. Only it means he is really, really tiny. He is too. Frank. PRO: Cool glasses. Very stylish. CON: Might be gay. Which could put a damper on the overnight dates.

Next, we have Justin. Or as he calls himself in the professional wrestling world, RATED R. Seriously. If you have a wrestling name, I somehow doubt you are on this show for the right reasons. PRO: He's probably pretty buff. CON: The hair product. And the 'roid rages will probably get old after awhile.

Next is Jay, the lawyer. He looks about 50 and not in that cool distinguished kind of way. He has an unfortunate cowlick in his hair. PRO: Um...hmmm. Your parents would like him. CON: You wouldn't. Plus he resembles a creepier Jim Carrey, which is saying something.

Next is Chris N. from Orlando. He looks like he might be related to the Osmonds. He is also wearing a very turquiose tie. PRO: Let me know when you think of one. CON: Too many to count.

Then we have Kasey, an ad exec from Colorado. The first thing you notice about him is his voice. At first you think it is a joke. Then you feel bad because you wonder if it is an impediment. And then you realize it isn't and you lower the sound on your television. PRO: He looks cute like Jake. CON: He might be a stalker. Something in his eyes...

Then we have Kyle. He pretends Ali is a fish and tries to reel her in. Ha ha! Yeah. It wasn't funny at all. He is dressed in yellow with a peach tie. PRO: At least his name isn't Chris. CON: His job is "outdoorsman." Does this mean he is homeless?

Next up is Roberto. All right. Finally. Someone cute. Great dimples. He talks to her in Spanish. Ali is swooning. PRO: Hot CON: Ali can't pronounce his name. Seriously. Dude! It's Robert with an O!

Then we have Craig. Otherwise known as "The Hair." It looks like a lot of time was spent puffing up that poof. His suit is just a bit too tight. Not sure how he is walking comfortably. PRO: If you fixed the hair, he'd be cute. CON: He thinks the hair looks good. And he has the swagger of a guy who thinks he is more handsome than he is.

Next is John from Kansas. PRO: Um. I'm sure he is a good person. CON: The hair, the hair. Looks like a small farm animal.

Then we have Tyler. He is from Vermont. I love Vermont. He is a bit nerdy. I love nerds. Yay, Tyler. PRO: Vermont is awesome. He is probably outdoorsy. CON: He might make her go camping.

Next we have John C. Love his purple tie. He pretends he is proposing. PRO: Seems to have a sense of humor. CON: Not terribly tall.

Then we have Jonathon the Weather Boy. I say boy because he is not quite a man. He gives her a sunshine button. Say it with me...awwwwww. PRO: He's certainly cheerful. And you'll never have to click on again. CON: My daughter is taller than he is.

Next up is Craig R. A big tall lawyer from the Philly. I like him already. PRO: Very confident but not in an annoying way. CON: Isn't quite as pretty as the rest but I don't think that's a bad thing.

Then we have STeve, a sales rep from Cleveland. Odd haircut around the ears so he looks like someone from Lord of the Rings. PRO: Ummmm....might speak elf. CON: That haircut, dude.

Next up is Kirk, a sales consultant from Wisconsin. This guy made her a scrapbook. Oh boy. He's one of those. PRO: Would probably be very devoted. CON: Would be annoying after five minutes or so.

Then we have Tyler from Austin. He claims she was wearing cowboy boots when she stepped out of the limo to meet Jake. Um. No. Sorry. PRO: Kinda cute despite the boots. CON: Thought Ali was someone else. Oops.

Next is Hunter from Texas. Cute in a Curious George kind of way. PRO: Funny. Told Ali he had to go to the bathroom. CON: He looks like a monkey. A cute monkey, but still.

Then we have...Derek from Michigan. Poor dear. This is Shooter. The guy voluntarily tells Ali that his friends call him Shooter because of his tendency to Uh....###$$ prematurely. OMG. Seriously. I hope the producers paid a lot of money for him to say that. Either that or he was very drunk. PRO: I'm not sure there is one. CON: Duh.

And lastly, there is Jason. He climbs over the car and does a backflip. Unfortunately, he looks a little um...not smart. PRO: Acrobatics. CON: He resembles Patrick the Starfish.

Okay. No sense into going into more details because I'm super tired and the first night is kinda fluff anyway. Here is who got roses:

Roberto got the first impression rose.

Next, Jessie from Peculiar.

Ty who I barely remember.

Craig the big tall lawyer.

Tyler B. the dude from Vermont.

Frank with the spiffy glasses

Steve? Who the hell is this?

Chris L...the wicked awesome dude

Kirk the scrapbooker

John C with the purple tie.

Chris N....who?

Chris H...first guy out


Craig "the hair"

Jonathon the weatherman

And...Kasy...the Jake look alike.

Whew. Okay. That was a lot. I apologize for any spelling errors...I am posting without reading this again so hope it doesn't suck.



Oh Ali, do I really have to blog about you??

Sigh. Luckily ABC found lots of crackpots in North America to be on the show with you. So it won't be too boring. More to come beckons.


Saturday, May 22, 2010

In case you are one of the 5 people in America who care about Ali the Bachelorette...

It is starting this Monday at 9pm.

Yes, I know. She is a terrible casting choice. Not charming, not cute, not nice. No idea why ABC chose her. That said, I'll probably watch and blog anyway. Especially since I have been decidedly not blogging lately. Not that I don't have a lot to say. I just haven't been in a sharing kind of mood.

I will share one thing...if you ever go to Vancouver for any reason, do not stay at the Loden hotel. I promise to blog about that before the weekend is through.

Happy Saturday, everyone.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


No, really. Ew.

Meet the new bachelors who will be competing for Ali's love on The Bachelorette.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Smells like teen unicorns

I can't lie. My return to Gainesville was bittersweet. We were there for a walk-a-thon in honor of our sorority sister, Lisa who passed away this fall.

Gainesville was the logical place for the walk since that's where we all met. And so on a beautiful spring morning in April, we met at a pretty park I never knew existed when I went to UF and walked. And talked. Because really, a lot of us hadn't seen each other in about 15 years. So there was a lot to catch up on.

She should have been with us, our friend Lisa. Really quite cliche to say how good and sweet and wonderful she was but it was all true. I do think she would have gotten a real kick out of seeing us all there and been thrilled that she still found some way to get us together. In a perfect world, the walk-a-thon would have had a few more people participating. But no matter. The important thing is that it happened. We raised money for the center where she had her treatment. And her husband and children saw it and knew how much she meant to us. And hopefully, that will mean something to them.

And then we went to Target.

I know. We are lame. But we are city dwellers and needed Gator gear for the next part of the weekend...the Orange and Blue game. In case you are wondering, that is where the Gator team plays each other. So who do you root for? I decided to root for blue because I just think it's a nicer color. Then I started rooting for the possibility of a breeze. How did I not notice how much you basically roasted in the stands? Oh, right. Because I was too busy socializing. This is how I managed to graduate from a major football school without understanding the concept of the two-point conversion.

And then we went to our sorority house.

We had too. Lisa was a big part of that house and the trip would not have been complete without a stop there. We rang the doorbell (since none of us could remember the combination to the side door...a sure sign of early dementia) and finally, a friendly incredibly young-looking girl answered the door. She opened the door and it hit me...the smell of the Dphie house. Okay...seriously...I suppose you could insert some joke in here. Try to contain yourselves. But it was true. It smelled vaguely like shampoo and my Grandma's house and chicken dinners of days past. If that doesn't sound appealing, I'm sorry to report that in the was. It really was. We wandered the halls, checking out the rooms and meeting a lovely young sister named Carly who didn't seem to mind showing us around and giving us the scoop on the Greek scene. Interestingly, she also graduated from high school....20 years after I did. Gulp.

It was official. We were freaking old. I had always sort of suspected as much but now it was confirmed.

We inspected the old composite pictures, complete with frighteningly big hair and alarming eye liner. And looking down the hallways, I half expected some of my sisters to come bounding in, wearing cut-off jean shorts and big fat puffy socks or scrunchies or Champion sweatshirts or in the case of one sister in particular, bows and floral dresses and an ever present smile.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Keep calm and carry cupcakes

It's true. I've become one of those people who tells everyone everything her kid says.

But A. is just so wise. Does this sound sarcastic? It totally isn't.

Seriously, if I could just live by her rules, my life would be a whole lot better.

We have a poster in our house, a reprint of an English propaganda poster that you've probably seen, oh, everywhere. It says "Keep Calm and Carry On." Because really, my husband and I need to remember that more often. We were helping A. sound out the letters of it. Only she revised it to make it more her speed "keep calm and carry cupcakes." So much better, when you think about it.

A few others of her concepts to live by (my words, her ideas):

Shiny things are far superior to non-shiny things.

Pretend cooking is better than real cooking.

Waiting for a swing for a long time is worth it if that's what you really want to do.

Why sleep by yourself if you don't have to?

Orange cauliflower and purple potatoes taste better than white cauliflower and white potatoes.

Toys aren't fun if you don't have anyone to play with.

When in doubt, twirl.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Why I didn't blog about The Bachelor Wedding.

I watched it, all right. Much to the dismay of my husband.

But as I did, I remembered something. Oh yeah. Weddings are boring.

Certainly not if it is your own (hopefully) and not if it is the wedding of someone you love and care for a lot. But in general, the rest of them are kinda...blah. Particularly if the bride and groom are blah. Sorry Jason and Molly. But it's true.

So. Never fear. I will be blogging about the Bachelorette come May. And more random stuff, whenever I have the time. Assuming you care.

Happy Wednesday, everyone.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The rest of it....

Okay...I'm back.

The next part of the Tenley date is somewhat pathetic. She says "I thought our chemistry was unbelievable." This evening is Tenley's very G-rated attempt at seducing Jake. The bluebirds and bunnies shake their heads sadly and cover their eyes. She lights a lot of candles and shows some leg. Jake barely seems to notice.

JAKE: My timing was horrible for that conversation on the boat. I apologize that I made you feel the way you did. I love your eyes, smile, the way you kissed me. I love that you didn't shut me down.

TENLEY: I'm oddly thankful you were completely honest.

Oh come on, Tenley....must you be so cheerful? She then suggestively invites him into the bedroom. Jake pretends like he is excited by this notion, jumping into the bed. Tenley sneaks over to the nightstand and gets something out. It's a red negligee...oh, no. It's a red present. It's like a scrapbook of their fortunes and their first kisses and some other crap that women think is important that men couldn't care less about.

JAKE (TO THE CAMERA): The girl has a heart of gold.

TENLEY (TO THE CAMERA): I will prove our chemistry is real in every single way.

Only...I don't think she did. I don't think she can. Poor dear has the sexuality of Snow White.

The next part of the show is the filler...with Jakie contemplating his choices. Of course, like every bachelor, he is "torn." I call bs on this. No one is torn the day before they are going to propose, I firmly believe that. Still, he meets the jeweler Neil Lane and picks out two different rings. Not surprisingly, Tenley likes the classic round cut and Vienna likes the over-the-top bling-y one. Jakie studies the rings, camera gets so close, we see nose hair. He wells up. He cries for real. He juts out his jaw Tom Cruise-style.

And then it's the big day. Tenley decks herself out in a golden princess dress, checking out her tush in the mirror. The bluebirds and bunnies cross their fingers for her but they know. Everyone knows. Except Tenley, apparently. She says "I feel giddy, blissful, my heart is joyful."And then she sees Jake.

JAKE: We've had an amazing time getting to know each other. We have the same values and positivity. BUT..


JAKE: You're perfect but I don't know what it is...something doesn't feel right.

TENLEY: I want a man who loves me for me. Thanks for showing me what I could have.


TENLEY: I can let someone love me now. Thanks for making me feel special.


TENLEY: I'm not ready to say goodbye. Why are you saying goodbye?

JAKE: Some part of this isn't coming naturally. Will you please stop thanking me now?


TENLEY: I haven't found happiness yet because it hasn't been right. Jake will see the mistake he's made.


Okay. Back to reality. Vienna is nervous. She gets out of the helicopter and says "when I found Jake is when I found myself." As she walks up to podium she whispers...

VIENNA: I'm completely in love with you.

JAKE (WHISPERING): I think you're an amazing woman. That's why I'm going to give you back the promise ring from your father. I can't keep it.


JAKE: Wait, I want you to remember this. I love you.

VIENNA: I love you!


JAKE: Will you marry me?


And they live happily ever after....

"See?" My husband says. "It's over. No more."

I point excitedly at the television. There is Chris Harrison's happy smiling face. It's After the Final Rose! Husband rolls his eyes and leaves the room.

This show was so boring. Mainly, poor Tenley STILL can't figure out why Jake didn't want to pick her. Poor thing. She tells Jake he smells good. He keeps telling her they had no "magical" spark. She doesn't understand that by "magical" Jake really means sexual. I don't think she gets it. And she might never get it. Jake tells her "you are the most precious thing in the whole world." Still doesn't mean he wants to get busy with her. Simple as that.

And then Jake tries to explain to everyone why he picked Vienna.

JAKE: She's my baby. I've never had this much heat in a relationship.


JAKE: I wanted to date out of my comfort zone.


JAKE: My soul mate is Vienna.


And then they bring out Vienna and talk about how the tabloids have been fabricating things. She says she is moving to Dallas immediately. And then they bring out Jeffrey Osborne. Who is Jeffrey Osborne? Let me refresh your memory...


Oh yes, he serenades them. And they dance. And do you know why?


Hello? Does this boy not have a job? Doesn't he need to fly some planes occasionally to be considered a pilot?

And then they reveal who the next Bachelorette will be...drumroll please...Ali! She declares she would like 50 men to choose from, not 25. Ha ha. Not funny. You think you are, but you're not. I don't dig this chick and her 500 yellow dresses. She's not nearly as charming and cute as she thinks she is. And ultimately, she is a Mean Girl. Of course, this doesn't mean I won't watch the show. It just means I am going to be more brutal than usual.

Next week...we get to watch Jason the Bachelor marry Molly in a huge overpriced extravaganza! Is it wrong to mock someone's nuptials? Perhaps. Do I care? Not so much.

Have a good week...I'll be blogging about the wedding next Tuesday!

Hope you enjoyed the season,

The Bachelor Finale..."Him and Me are in love."

So no big surprises last night. Vienna and Jake are in love. Jakie Jake picked the bad girl over the big girl. Thanks to Reality Steve and all the tabloids, we all knew this weeks ago. Yet it didn't stop us from watching three whole hours of it.

I will admit it. I started watching at 8:15. Husband got home later than expected so it could not be helped. I will admit to starting bathtime earlier. As usual, this did not result in an earlier bedtime but in several more renditions of "Part of Your World" (if you what I'm talking about, you clearly have 3-year-old girl...if not, it is Ariel-related and you can scoff at my considerable un-hipness). Anyway, by the time I entered the World O' Bachelor, Tenley was busy winning over Jakie's family. Here was her conversation with Jake's dear old dad:

TENLEY: I was hurt by my past in-laws. I want someone who will take me in and love me.


DAD: I do believe I just met my future daughter-in-law.

JAKE'S MOM: There are no red flags with her.

Of course not. She is you, 30 years younger. Minus the princess voice.

Jake says "my family is smitten with Tenley." Jake and Tenley all talk about how perfect they are for each other. The bluebirds and rabbits high-five each other and start baking a ten-layer wedding cake with big pink roses on it. Jake shows off his impulsive side by jumping into the pool and taking Tenley with him, squealing all the way. Then his brothers (those crazy kids) do the same thing and they all embrace in a family hug. Puke.

MOM: Jake would be blessed to have Tenley. I don't know why he is conflicted. They seem like the perfect couple.

And then it's Vienna's turn to meet the family. She shows up with a big fruit basket. Yeah. It's going to take more than that, girlfriend. Jake says "I shouldn't have told my parents this is the girl no one likes." Y'think? Here is how the first meeting with the 'rents went, complete with significant looks and rolling eyes.

MOM: So where are you from?

VIENNA: Geneva, Florida. It's mostly woods and dirt. We have a flashing light now, still no stoplight.

MOM: Why did you have trouble getting along with the other girls in the group?

VIENNA: Because I'm brutally honest.

SISTER-IN-LAW LAURA: You seem very different from Tenley.

VIENNA: Because I'm not a robot.

This is apparently a very shocking thing to say in this group. I get the feeling Jake's family aren't into mocking people. I get the feeling I wouldn't do very well in this situation either. My guess is that these guys play a lot of Uno. Maybe Balderdash on a really crazy night.

Mom pulls Jake aside and says "It bothers me she couldn't get along with the other women." Jake says "oh, she just says things that poke." Mom says "she'll poke at you eventually." Jake says to camera "this isn't happening between Mom and Vienna."

The sister-in-laws do a sit-down with Vienna.

Sis-in-law Laura: Tenley gets along with everyone.

VIENNA: But she's annoying.

SISTER-IN-LAW: Does this happen to you a lot in life where people don't like you?


SISTER-IN-LAW: Won't you be shocked if he doesn't choose you in the end?


Then Mom takes her to task and pulls Vienna aside for some alone time. Mom is none too pleased with this woman. Seriously, would you want to stare at that creepy fake Barbie hair for the rest of your days? Listen to that bad grammar on your deathbed?

MOM: It's important that you get along with my daughter-in-laws. Women are the glue of the family. You need to be strong to be married to pilot.

VIENNA (IN A VERY SMALL VOICE): Well, I'll have you guys.

MOM: That's right. You will. You've changed my mind.

Well, that was fast. Apparently, Vienna won over the sister-in-laws too. One sister-in-law even begins to cry because she feels bad for judging her. Meanwhile, Jake is staring at Vienna like she is already his wife.

MOM (TO VIENNA): We're a little bit protective, can you tell?

Tell you what. They acted all nicey nice now. But Vienna and this mother are going to be a constant source of friction. Mark my words. Those righteous blue eyes will burn holes in Vienna's unholy, spray-tanned skin.

Okay. So now Jake has one more date with Vienna and one more with Tenley before he has to make his decision. First up, Vienna. He is taking her to some steamy sulpher springs. Girlfriend doesn't don't want to play in the first. Then she realizes that it will look like a Playboy video as they cover themselves with mud. Jake says "I enjoyed covering you with mud." He then admits "I need to make sure I'm not so attracted to Vienna that it gets in the way of what I need in a wife."

Nighttime. Vienna takes off the promise ring from her father to signal to Jake she is ready to spend the rest of her life with him.

VIENNA: I know we have chemistry. But I also want to know I'm your best friend and rock.

She then reads him a cheesy letter and says something about "him and I are in love." Sigh. Really? That's the best you got, kid?

Next day, big date with Tenley. They are going on a boat.

TENLEY: Oh my gosh!! I'm so excited!! Isn't it exciting??

A stream of exclamations trail after Tenley wherever she goes. Meanwhile, Jake is clearly not into her and looks down.

TENLEY: Am I too much to handle?

Uh, no, Tenley, you're not. And that's the problem.

JAKE: You've captivated me emotionally.

Uh oh. I sense a big old but coming on here.

JAKE: But sometimes the physical chemistry isn't as hot as the emotional chemistry.

TENLEY: I feel it. I think we have heat.

JAKE: It's building slowly.


TENLEY: I want someone who wants all of me.

JAKE: I'm not saying I'm not that guy.

But he is.

Okay. That's about halfway...more to come later.

"Him and me are in love..."

I think Vienna has a bright future ahead of her as an English teacher. But she will also be Mrs. Pavelka.

I've got three hours to blog about so it may be a while....

Have a good one,


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Women Tell All or.... how to waste two perfectly good hours of your life

I simply cannot go into all the absurdity of last night. I would rather spend that time talking about the outfits the Russian ice dancers wore last night (rope wrapped around their bodies to aid their with their lifts...pretty sneaky, sis...)

But since I watched the show, let's talk about a few things. Here's what I learned:

1. All the former participants of the show get together, go on cruises, eat too many shrimp and then hook up.

2. All the former participants of the show also try to "give back." Admirable thought but they do so by painting lifeguard stands. Because what this world really needs is more colorful lifeguard stands. In case you are wondering Matt the Bachelor is still hot, Deeanna the Bachelorette is still grating, Wes is still a tool and Shayne Lamas seems like she needs to go to rehab.

3. ABC loves to show the former participants handing out food to needy people but only if said needy people will appear on camera and tell their sob story. You can practically see the ABC producer holding a bag of cookies juuust out of reach as they say "thanks from my family."

4. When we see the ladies in person, Corrie looks prettier than I thought she would and so does blonde Asleigh. Jessie just seems like a painted doll and Gia seems like Malibu Barbie by way of Queens.

5. The other girls think Tenley "just dropped out of a Disney movie" and "she dreams in cartoons" and in perhaps the best line of the night "sh*ts rainbows." In other words, maybe she's a fun person to have a picture opportunity with at Disney World for an hour but perhaps could be a bit annoying for say, a lifetime.

6. Elizabeth realized acting like she wouldn't kiss Jake without a wedding proposal was in hindsight...a bit preposterous.

7. Chris hates Rozlyn, the girl kicked off for sleeping with a producer. I will say this, Rozlyn has seen a lawyer. Girlfriend did not think of all of these angles herself. She makes the case for why she did not sleep with the producer, even going as far as to swear on her child's life, which in my opinion is always a bad idea. Meanwhile, various women mention she never slept in her bed in the house. Hmmm. This whole thing eventually turned into a pissing match and honestly, I'm sure she probably hooked up with the guy but come on. Who. Cares. It ended with Roz making some comment about Chris Harrison trying to hit on the producer's ex-wife. Chris looks rattled so I'm sure that probably happened too. Again. Who. Cares.

8. And then Jakey comes out looking somber. Dude, this guy is not looking like a happy-go-lucky guy in love. I'm sure he will either not pick anyone next week OR pick Vienna and then realize it was a mistake. Either way, he looks at Ali like she is a midnight snack. I'm sure those two will hook up at some point. Jake also utters the cheesiest line of the night"when you left, my heart was crying." At that point, I considered changing the channel to the Olympics.

9. My favorite part of the night? Jake asking Chris Harrison (in all seriousness) what he uses on his teeth to make them so white....and Chris refuses to disclose this information.

10. Lastly, when Chris Harrison asks Jake is he's happy, he says...dramatic pause..."yes." Now, since we know Jake has a tendency to overact (remember the crying over a hotel balcony last season) this leads me to believe that he isn't happy at all.
Not wishing that on him, I'm just saying.

The finale is next week!!! Get excited, people. I am...


"The girl sh*ts rainbows."

Seriously great quote from Gia regarding our friend Tenley. Mostly I thought the show was a bit boring but there were a few good quotes here and there. I'll try to blog about it by the end of the day.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

And the rest of it...

Okay. Next day, next overnight date. Jakie is really going to have to work hard for this one. Number one, because Tenley is DIVORCED. Oh soooo shocking. But Disney princesses don't do that. Nor do they stay overnight with men who are not their husbands and most importantly, not princes.

Still, he tries. He takes her for a picnic in the rain forest. If you've ever been to one, then you know that's probably not the best place to do it. Too many critters. But fine. Then they walk on a black sand beach. Tenley tells Jake "she has not been with another man since her ex-husband." The bunnies and the bluebirds nod vehemently. Jake sighs, does his best Tom Cruise jaw flex and hopes for the best.

They have dinner by the pool. I feel itchy just looking at them because that is totally when all the bugs come out. Then they take off their shoes and dance. She tells Jake "I'm glad I've gotten this opportunity with you despite my past." What past?? Just because she is divorced she thinks she is this tainted woman. Maybe that's why she isn't working at Disney World anymore...they've banished her. Then she says "I'll let you can lead me through life...that's what I want." Thanks, Tenley. The woman's movement really thanks you for that, too.

And then Jake takes that moment to hand her the fantasy suite card. He says "I'm really excited about it." Uh yes...I'll bet you are. Tenley says in her best Sleeping Beauty voice "I want to spend every second I can with you." Jake says "I can't wait....(dramatic pause) watch our first sunrise together."

Uh huh. Yes. I'm sure that's what you can't wait for, Jake. And here's what happens when they enter the fantasy suite:

TENLEY: Oh my goodness! Look at the rose petals!

JAKE: I love your morals and values.

TENLEY: Thanks for appreciating them, they mean a lot to me.

And then you remember you are not watching the BBC's latest Jane Austen adaptation but The Bachelor. You know the producers are rolling their eyes, trying to ply them with more alcohol.

JAKE: Tenley would make an amazing wife.

And again, this is why he will not choose her.

Next day, next date. Vienna! I say that with an exclamation point because everything about her seems to be that way. She doesn't have blond hair. She has BLOND HAIR! She doesn't have boobs, she has BOOBS! You get the picture. Jake says "I feel like a kid when I'm with her." Vienna's reaction? She licks him. Jake dresses like a pilot. Oops, I mean pirate. We notice Vienna has a tattoo the size of a human head on her stomach. It's not a tramp stamp. It's just...ugly.

But I am not here to rag on Vienna. Why? I sorta feel bad for her. Yes, she is tacky. But the girl has been torn to shreds in the tabloids. They're talking about her mother being a stripper. That's not her fault. Sometimes you're born a Rockefeller. Sometimes you're born the daughter of a stripper. Doesn't mean you should be judged for what your parents have done.

Okay. Off my high horse. Jake says "rolling around in the sand with Vienna was smoking hot. Now I need to make sure there is some substance to the relationship."

Good thinking, Jakie. See how she feels about the economy. Or global warming. Go ahead, I dare you. So he says:

JAKE: What kind of engagement rings do you like?



Girlfriend's eyes nearly popped out of her head. She says she wants a thin band with some bling around it and a princess cut.

VIENNA: Could you see me as your wife?

JAKE: Yes. But I've fallen for two other women also.


She sighs. And then tries to remember what she learned in high school drama class. Cue the tears.

VIENNA: I cannot picture my life without you. I've fallen in love with you.

JAKE: You have? I love your brutal honesty.

And with that, he hands her "the card." You know what I'm talking about.

VIENNA: We need some alone time.

Oh. Is that what they are calling it these days?

Jake says "I love everything about her." They enter the fantasy suite.

JAKE: This is neat.

C'mon, Jakie....really?

VIENNA: I'll be right back.

And she shows up in a very bridal-y negligee. And she shuts the door. We hear shrieks of pain from Jakey.

Next morning. Jake is in his own room recovering from Vienna. And...the phone rings. Yup. It's Ali. She has changed her mind. They commence to have a boring conversation about what a mistake she made. They go back and forth and he tells her not to come. Ali says "I'll forever regret my decision." Yes. Until ABC offers to make you The Bachelorette.

Jake then ponders who to send home. He mentions again he used to be called Mr. Dateless. Which I don't believe because there is nothing really funny or interesting about that name...and since there is nothing particularly funny or interesting about him, he made it up himself. Long story short, he dumps Gia, who leaves in a pool of sweat, tears and body glitter. Not worried about her though since Page Six is still talking about her. She'll be fine.

Next week, it's the Women Tell All. They are dragging back Rosalind to talk about her slutting around. Says a lot about her that she agreed to come on. Good times!

That's it guys! Now onto men's ice skating!! Yay.

"You drove away with a piece of my heart"...Bachelor Round-Up

Okay. I did not blog about last week's show. I Why? Well, first of all, I did not take my computer on my business trip. And while some have suggested I blog via the blackberry, I am simply not that dedicated. Also, last week's show was not that interesting.

Not that this week's was that much better. It should have been. It is the much anticipated Boom-chicka-wow-wow week. Meaning Jakie Jake is expected to ahem, perform three nights in a room with three different women. With Chris Harrison providing the Viagra. Somehow, this was still not interesting. Maybe because I do not believe that Jake actually did the deed. Well, except maybe with Vienna who no doubt forced herself on him while he shut his eyes and whimpered.

But as usual, I am getting ahead of myself...

The first overnight date was with Gia. She shows up wearing the shortest shorts on the planet and I am hoping they are not going to hike or anything like that. Also, there are sand fleas on those beaches so girlfriend is going to get attacked. But whatever. She also appears to be holding a bottle of rum. Perhaps this is what she needs to get through these overnight dates? Jake looks like a fool in an island style bead necklace. There are some men, some surfer types, who can sincerely pull this off. Think Matthew McConaughey. Jake, you are no Matthew. Though you do take your shirt off almost as much.

Jake and Gia eat fresh coconut and hang out with locals. Gia dirty dances as a guy plays the bongos and looks like all she is missing is a pole. Jake says "I want to come back here for my honeymoon." In the meantime, ABC manages to show us Gia's butt like fifty times which is sincerely making me feel about sitting on my own butt while eating Chocolate Cheerios.

At dinner, Gia shows up wearing a tiara and for some reason, body glitter. Jake says "our bodies fit together" and hands her the Chris Harrison card, as he calls it. This is Jake's way of pretending he is not asking a woman to come up to his room and do the wild thing. In case you have any doubt what will happen, Gia says "I'm ready to go all the way." that what the teleprompter said?

They go back to the hotel suite complete with rose petals and a trail of clothes leading up to the bathtub. Jake says "this could be the woman I propose to." Or...not. Next!

Okay. Gotta run to beat this crappy weather. More to come tonight.

Friday, February 12, 2010

So no, I still haven't blogged about the Bachelor....

but a blizzard, flight delays and an earthquake have kept from even watching the whole episode. I will try. But can't promise it's going to happen.

In the meantime, I will tell you that my daughter claims to have a daughter named Milly and a son named Michael that she is keeping in her room. Oh, and apparently we also have a ghost. As long as the ghost isn't expecting me to walk/bathe/feed it, that's fine with me.

Watch for a possible bachelor blog this weekend...depending on my level of energy.

Happy Friday,

Monday, February 8, 2010

Don't forget!

Bachelor on tonight. The hometown dates with a big SHOCK. Ha. We'll see.

And since I'll be traveling for work on Tuesday and Wednesday, the round-up will definitely be late. Sorry...

Enjoy the show.


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

"You can eat my salmon..." Bachelor Round UP

So it's official. My girl hates The Bachelor. It is the only reason I can explain her behavior on Monday nights.

A: I hear horn honks, I can't sleep.

ME: You live in Brooklyn. Sorry. You have to learn to live with it.

A: It's hot.

ME: Take off your blanket.

A: I want to watch your show.

ME: It's for grown-ups.

A: No. There are princesses on your show.

ME: Those are NOT princesses. I repeat. NOT PRINCESSES.

A: But they all have yellow hair.

Yes, they do. Disturbingly yellow. Anyway...this is why I did not get to watch the beginning of the show last night. I saw bits and pieces between trying to convince Girlfriend to go to sleep. I know Jake went on a date with Tenley, who is the closest one to a princess, I suppose. I know they were up in some high tower in San Francisco. I know she used that little baby voice that reminds me of Trista and Cinderella. And I know that Jake says "Tenley is the one I picture most as my wife."

Aha! And there you go, folks. The reason that Tenley won't be the last one standing. ABC doesn't want to make it this easy for you. Still, I will say this is the only girl there I can see him having any real shot with. So of course, she will be left in the dust.

Jake asks Tenley what mistakes she made in her marriage. She says she took things for granted. She asks what he wants in a marriage. He says something about having her back. Tenley is also concerned about pilots not being faithful. Jake tells her "the woman I marry will be the last woman I look at."

Jake says," our kisses are magical, we line up on so many things." Hurry, someone cue "On the Wings of Love!" The Muzak version. Thanks, ABC!

Next day, a double date with Gia and Vienna. They are going to a "castle" in Napa Valley. I say it with quotation marks because it looks rather Epcot-y in my opinion. Vienna says something like "I'm my dad's prince and now I'm Jake's queen." Gia is worried that she will be the third wheel in this scenario. And she is. Jake and Vienna taste wine. Gia looks on. Vienna says "I'm going to pretend she's here."

Which seems like a fine plan until Jake steals Gia away for some snogging. Gia admits "I'm probably the most insecure girl here." Really? You're a swimsuit model, for crying out loud! If you can't be confident, who the hell can? Jake tells her he's really into her and she is kind, generous and drop dead gorgeous. This seems to brighten her spirits as they start making out.

Meanwhile, Vienna decides to go looking for them, carrying around a lantern from that appears to be from the 1800's but was probably purchased at Anthropologie. ABC films it like it's Blair Witch Project. Vienna is like, oh, I'm scared. Dude. How scared can you be with the director, assistant director, DP, key grip, best boy and craft services table three feet away?

Vienna isn't happy that she didn't get much alone time with her "boyfriend" so she decides to sneak into his room at bedtime, two glasses of wine in hand. Jake says "I had dirty thoughts but it was gonna be G-rated all the way." Jake promptly kicks her out of bed. Go Jakey.

Next day, it's a date with Corrie. They are going to take a walk in the park. They go on a rowboat. The geese are more exciting than these two. She sits there awkwardly and waits for Jake to kiss her. The geese wait. Nothing happens.

Then that night they go to a natural history museum and look at frogs and stuff. Still, not much. At dinner they discuss the fact that Corrie won't live with someone before marriage. In fact, we find out there are a lot of things Corrie won't do before marriage. The fact that Corrie is the big V actually turns on Jakey Jake a little. So he plants one on her. Unfortunately, it seems the frogs have more sexual chemistry.

Next up, it's a date with Ali. "I can't wait to show him my town, my world, where I hang out, my restaurants!" On this date, Ali says "me" or "my" about 20 times. And while Jake seems to like her straddling and kissing him in the park, he doesn't seem nearly as into her as he used to be. Time's up, Yellow Dress girl!

Cocktail party time! Tenley and Jakey dance and he looks like he's going to cry with happiness. The bluebirds oooh and ahhh.

Meanwhile Ali and Corrie discuss Ali's date.

Corrie: Did it go really good?

Ugh. Did you really just say that? And by the one on this show uses adverbs. Jake doesn't feel strongly about any of the women...he feels strong. Jake said this not once, but twice. SeriousLY, I love adverbs and I love LY and if he offered me a rose, I'd have to turn him down. But niceLY.

Anyway, Corrie is the one who gets the boot and she says "I don't date four men very good." Come on Corrie, speak English! Or go back to Florida, no one will notice down there. (I'm from there so I can mock it.)

Anyway, next week...Jake goes to the ladies' hometowns. And apparently Jake gets some big shock and there is no rose ceremony. I'm betting Ali is going down.

And happiLY, that's it.

Happy Tuesday,

Monday, February 1, 2010

It's the first day of February...

what better way to spend it than with the Bachelor? Two whole hours of...well...not much.

Enjoy the show!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

"I'm fixin' to get on this RV and I'm so dang excited."

Yeehaw! Thanks for that Ella! I haven't mocked her accent once yet so it was time.

So this week all the Bachelor ladies were forced to leave the comfort of their mansion and hop into an RV and (gulp) go camping. Now, these RV's look pretty plush so I'm sure they can still plug in their spray-tanning machines but still. No one signs up for this thing to go camping. Ella is excited because apparently she has spent her life in an RV park. I spent two nights in one once (accidentally...we thought it was campground) and the power got blown out because so many people were watching a NASCAR event. No joke.

Anyway, Ali and Vienna are in separate RV's which is a good thing otherwise it would be hard to talk about each other. Ali drops about ten f-bombs and talks about how horribly fake Vienna is as she play with her overly-processed blonder than blonde hair. Anyone noticed how many blondes there are on this show with brown eyes? Ever notice you don't see many of those in real life? Because very few exist. Unless you're in Argentina where it is apparently the norm.

Anyhow, they are going to camp in a vineyard. Sounds like an odd place to camp but fine. Jake has busted out the flannel, in case you doubted he was the outdoorsy type.
His first one-on-one date will be with Gia, the New York swimsuit model/hairdresser. Jake says this will be a test of sorts because Gia is "a big city girl FROM MANHATTAN." Oh no....Sodom itself....home of the sinners...Manhattan!! Jake is surprised to discover that Gia isn't scary at all and actually quite child-like, playing hide and go seek in the vineyards. I'm sure there are snakes in vineyards so I totally wouldn't do that. Hell, I don't even like the wildlife in Brooklyn, I certainly wouldn't seek it out where it might live.

Gia tries to convince Jake what a geek she was and how she got her books and shoes stolen from her in school. And then one day, poof! She became into a swimsuit model. Jake looks dubious of this story. He tells her he didn't kiss a girl until he was 16. This I believe. Gia says her first kiss came from spin-the-bottle. And hey! Lookie here! They have a bottle! They play! They kiss! Everyone is happy.

Later in the evening, Jake continues to test Gia's outdoorsy-ness by making her eat hot dogs and marshmallows over an open flame. She doesn't mind, telling him she wants to have two kids and then adopt a baby girl from China. And a pot-bellied pig. Who she will tote around in her very large Birken bag.

Next up is a group date with Ashleigh, Corrie, Tenley, Vienna, Ali and Jessie. They are going dune bugging on the beach. Ali calls dibs on Jake. I didn't know you could do that. What a great idea! You just see a guy on the street and call "dibs!" and he's yours. Ali is getting a little too Mean Girls for her own good. She and her yellow dresses need to go away. When someone asks her what she would do if Vienna got the final rose she says "I'd throw up in my mouth." Little Miss Katherine Heigl wannabe is starting to seem as revolting as well, Katherine Heigl.

And then they go sand surfing. Somehow, I never knew this sport existed. Basically, you get on a surfboard and everyone wipes out and gets mouthfuls of sand. How is this fun? Jake gets to roll around with Tenley. He says "I"m naturally drawn to Tenley." Still, he finds time to roll down the hill with Corrie. Yes, I forgot she was still around too.

Next stop...Falling Inn Love! Don't you just love all the little puns the writers from the show give us? There's a group date at a super fabulous inn where "real live celebrities go" according to Tenley. By the looks of things, not so much. Every room has a theme. The most common theme appears to be tacky. It's gross. Lots of ugly stone fireplaces, aqua furniture, ick. Calling it "eclectic" would be extremely generous. All the ladies get to dress up and have private time in each of the rooms, which are surprisingly celebrity-free at the moment.

And it's short skirt night? Seriously, could the dresses have been shorter? The most pathetic of all is Asleigh. She tells the camera "certain girls are more affectionate than others." And then we see her draping herself across Jakey, giving him the love eyes:



JAKE: look...pretty.


JAKE: I know she's pretty but I don't feel any chemistry there.

Boy, is Asleigh going to feel stupid after watching this one.

Jake comes out and asks Vienna for alone time. She tosses her extensions and says "I want to be last." Ali and the Mean Girls snicker on cue. Ali goes for alone time with Jake and tries to talk about all the other girls. Jake looks at her with that dazed expression men wear when they aren't listening to you at all. He's like, shut up and kiss me. Well, he didn't say that. But he may as well have.

Next up, alone time with Tenley. Jake wants to make sure she is over her ex-husband. She says she is. They make out as he is curled up in her lap. She demands in her Sleeping Beauty voice "sit up, I want a good one." The bluebirds look on, bat their eyelashes and sigh wistfully.

Vienna gets her alone time with Jakey. He tells her about the other girls "I think you egg it on and bring it on yourself. Sometimes it's better not to say anything at all." Vienna looks confused by this and I ponder how much bigger she really is than Jake and can she possibly crush him? Hmmm.

Jake then goes out and gives the group date rose to Tenley. All the bluebirds high-five. Meanwhile, Ashleigh grumbles about Tenley being too bubbly. Apparently, that's working better than drunk and desperate.

Next up, a two-on-one date with Jake, Ella and Kathryn. I'll spare the minutia of it but basically, Jake ignores Kathryn. Ella interviews him as potential father for Ethan. He dumps then both. Then dramatically, throws the rose in the fire. So. Damn. Cheesey.

And just when you thought is couldn't get any cheesier, it's rose ceremony time. Who's safe? Gia and Tenley. Up for grabs, four more roses.

Rose #1 Ali

Rose #2 Corrie

Which leaves two more roses and three girls. Only....Jakey starts to cry. For reals.

He runs out to find Chris Harrison, asking him for relationship advice. Because really, who better to go to with this sort of thing than a television host with hair plugs?

JAKE: Do I have to give out both roses?

TRANSLATION: I can barely stand to be in the same room with most of these people.

CHIRS: Do you know for a fact that two of them won't be your wife?


CHRIS: So you want us to take away a rose?

JAKE: Duh.

So they do. Vienna gets the last rose. Which means Asleigh and Jessie are out. Jake tells Jessie "you have a beautiful heart." Meanwhile, Ashleigh looks at Jake like she was wronged and then gets outside and shouts at the camera "are you f*cking kidding me?" Hmmm...wonder why he didn't choose you? Hmmmmm...

Meanwhile...Little Miss Mean Girl Ali is practically spitting venom that Vienna is still around. Tenley the Disney Princess gets out her fan to try to calm her down, assuring her they will go hunt for berries in the morning. But Ali is inconsolable, tearing at her (yet again) yellow dress. Next week, they are headed to San Francisco, which is Ali's hometown. I predict she will stay there.

Enjoy the rest of the week,

"I think you egg it on and bring it on yourself..."

Words of wisdom from Jakey to Vienna. Jake was taking no prisoners last night. Good show. More to come later...


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

But wait! There's more!!

You see? I do work in advertising. When I'm not blogging about The Bachelor, that is.

In case you are wondering, blogging can be very profitable. If you let google place an ad on your site, you get money. Why, just this week...I will be getting a big fat check for six dollars. So I can buy a sandwich. Oh wait. Not in this town. I can buy a cup of soup. And a beverage. So exciting.

Anyway....getting back to where left I off...the drama between Jake and Michelle.

JAKE: I think it would be better if you left now.

MICHELLE: I can't believe you're doing this.



MICHELLE: He kicked me to the curb. He gave me a peck instead of kiss. What is that about?


MICHELLE: Jake is not for me.


JAKE (TO CAMERA): That was the right decision.

THE PRODUCERS: Yeah, she scared us too.

Jake returns to the ladies and says "no rose tonight. I need some time. See you real soon." He walks off with his hands in his pockets. And that, my friends, is why I am going on record that I believe Jake will choose no one this season. I have no inside info. Just a hunch.

Okay. Next day, next date. This time with Ella, the single mom who sounds like Peggy Hill. Jake picks her up in a helicopter. They're going to Sea World. And Jake has a surprise. He's invited her son along for the ride. Ella says "Ma little man, oh ma G-d." But....she doesn't look totally completely thrilled to see him. Because now she will totally not be getting any lip action.

But. Then she sees Jakey hanging out with her son. Putting on his jacket for the penguin experience. Giving Ethan a toy plane. In her mind, she pictures buying him a "world's number 1 Dad" mug for Father's Day next year.

Ella says "he's the angel I never expected. I love having a family life, watching soccer games." Hmmm. I'm sure Jake will too. Someday. With his own kid. Not someone else's. Still, he gives her a rose, saying "you're a great mother." Why does that not sound like a marriage proposal to me?

All right. Cocktail party time. Everyone hates Vienna. Especially Ali, who has turned out to be kind of Mean Girl a la the Plastics. Or Heathers. You practically expect her to pop out with "dude, what's your damage?" Meanwhile, Elizabeth-No-Kiss has some alone time with Jake. He tells her she sends mixed signals and she is playing games. Elizabeth opens her wide blue eyes and says "no!" Jake says "some couples elect not to kiss for spiritual reasons." Really? Is kissing not spiritual? I guess I'm not spiritual because I am pro-kissing. And then Jake says "but that's not you. You're a tease, I think."

And then Vienna interrupts. Elizabeth breaks into tears and says "I can get a date any day of the week. I'm very selective." Finally, she gets to have a few more minutes with Jake who tells her "you dangled a kiss like a carrot." Yeah. This girl's getting a rose.

Okay. Rose ceremony time:

Rose #1 Gia

Rose #2 Corrie...I think she'd actually be a good match for him

Rose #3 Tenley

Rose #4 Ali

Rose #5 Jessie

Rose #6 Kathryn

Rose #7 Asleigh

Who's going home? Brunettes! No-kiss Elizabeth is out. Guess withholding your lips is not the way to a man's heart. And Valishia is out too. What? You've never heard of her? Then you certainly will be as surprised as I was when Jake says to her "hug your kids for me." Huh? How many does she have? Who the heck is watching them? Who has childcare for like six weeks solid?

Anyway, next week Gia and Jake get close and the ladies all have to take a bus somewhere, much to the dismay of Vienna. Sounds fascinating.

Until then..


"I'm on Cloud Jake..."

So I can't even pretend that I watched the whole show this week. I couldn't. Our girl wasn't feeling so hot. She had a little episode this weekend that forced her to be on a nebulizer. No, that is not something from Star Trek but this weird contraption that gives them oxygen plus medicine and helps them breathe. It is worse than it sounds.

Anyway, I will fully admit that I let my daughter watch the first few minutes of The Bachelor as we nebulized on the couch. My husband was shouting from the kitchen "is this really a good idea?" Meanwhile, she cracked up laughing as Jake kissed someone. I couldn't tell you who except that she had dyed blonde hair. But that would be the whole cast, really.

A said "this is for grown-ups."

I said, "Well. Sort of."

And then the nebulizing was done and that was the end of A's exposure to The Bachelor. If she decides to dye her hair the color of a highlighter pen or start spray-tanning, I only have myself to blame.

I basically missed the first half hour of the show as we got her to bed. Yes, I could watch it on but honestly, I don't have the time and the gist of it is this: Jake went on a one-on-one date with Vienna. She was very excited about it. They bungee-jumped together despite Jake's fear of heights. A pilot afraid of heights? Ok. Doesn't make sense to me, but fine. When I walked back in the room, Jake was talking about how nurturing Vienna was. Next shot...the requisite hot tub scene. More kissing. Vienna is wearing a ruffly bikini and I can't help but wondering how the blond extensions are going to do in the water. Seems okay. Lots of kisses. Lots of shots of Vienna's crossed eyes rolling back in her head as she tells us how she is falling in deep love with Jakey. He gives her a rose. Her extensions give him a high five. She says "the best day of my life will be when I marry him."

Back at the house, we discover there will be a group date happening. They are going to Jon Lovitz's comedy club. Of course, most of these girls are too young to even remember who he is, but whatever. The women will all get the opportunity to write and perform their own comedy on stage. First up, Ali. Her big joke? "Why was Tigger licking the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. "Ha ha! Laugh riot. Next up, Tenley. Girlfriend knows she is not funny so instead she contorts her body so that her legs are behind her head, much to the delight of every male in the audience. Miss-I-Don't-Kiss Elizabeth goes up on stage and starts talking about some guy in Utah with a big schlong. Kathryn seizes the opportunity to drag Jake up on stage and kiss him.

Michelle AKA Bunny Boiler...who looks to be planning a Columbine style attack on the club....begins to critique the kiss. She says "when I have my kiss with Jake, it's going to be tongue in your mouth, pulling hair, ripping clothes off." Not that I think there's anything wrong with living in a fantasy world but..sometimes, real life has to enter into it.

And then Michelle gets on stage. You know the term "uncomfortable silence?" Seems to have been created for her.

MICHELLE: So I notice there are no coconuts on these palm trees. I wonder where they are?

She then pokes herself in the chest with a microphone.


MICHELLSE: I'm waiting for a hole to get some one-on-one.


ALI: Something's a little bit off about Michelle.

Y'think? Even Jon Lovitz looked uncomfortable.

And then it's Ashleigh's turn. She's been freaking out that she has to do this, sucking down the drinks. She tells a few blonde jokes and then scampers off. And then it is Corrie's turn. She does some fantastic impersonations of the ladies in the house. But the best one she does is of Vienna.

CORRIE: I long my long blonde fake hair. I love walking around topless. I love to talk crap about every other girl in the house.

All the girls are laughing hysterically. Who isn't? Jake. He looked concerned. Could he have misjudged her? Uh. Yeah.

It's evening time. Time for cocktails! Tenley the Disney Princess pulls Jake aside and tells him about her past. She tells him her husband had an affair and left her for another woman. The bluebirds put a Kleenex in front of her face and say, "blow."
Jake gives her a hug and they kiss. Someday my prince will come....someday....we'll meet again....

Then all the other girls decide to spend their alone time with Jake talking about Vienna. Really, ladies...accentuate the positive. Guys hate hearing this kind of crap. In the meantime, Michelle is plotting her next move. Elizabeth says "Michelle needs a therapist, not a husband." True. Nevertheless, Michelle get her alone time with Jake.

MICHELLE: I really really really really want a husband.

JAKE: I believe you.

MICHELLE: I think we should kiss.


MICHELLE: Let's kiss.


Michelle plants one on him. Jake keeps his mouth tightly shut and looks like he is in pain.

MICHELLE: You've gotta give me something more than that.

JAKE: I just want this night to be over.


MICHELLE: You know, I can't stay. I want to but not being able to really kiss you hurts. If you want me to stay, I'll stay.

JAKE: I think it would be better if you left now.

Dun dun dun! Sorry to break off at such a crucial moment. But it's getting late and I've got a somewhat sick one at home. More to come later....

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

"My personal life is no one's business..."

Um...sorry but...that is incorrect, Rozlyn. If you're on a reality dating show, your personal life is EVERYONE'S business. Hey, you're the one who signed up for it...

Okay. So it's been a day and maybe you don't care about The Bachelor. I do. More than I should. Despite the fact that Jake is a tad bit uptight.

I will fully admit that I basically missed the first half hour of the Bachelor. Not my fault. I was chasing Girlfriend around the house to get her into her pj's. A difficult task since she would only speak to me in dinosaur language. In case you're wondering, dinosaurs don't wear pajamas.

So by the time I got to the television on Monday, it was time for Ali's big "come fly with me" date with Jake. That's the thing about dating a pilot, you've got to expect he's going to want to fly you places. And Ali's afraid of flying. Excellent! Ali dresses for the occasion in yet another yellow dress. Who has more than one yellow dress? Maybe this is her power color. She attempts to gracefully straddle a motorcycle in it. Seriously, I think it's very rude to pick up a girl for a date on a motorcycle. Does Jake even consider how long she has probably spent on her hair? So rude. Plus you are going to get dirty from the road air and possibly bugs in your teeth.

They get to the airport and the plane is like the size of gnat. I'd be freaking out too. Jake makes a big show of doing his "pre-flight." I hope they gave that girl a shot of something before they went up in the air. Once they are flying, she likens it to "floating." Sorry, but that's not what I want to feel like while in the air. I want to hear lots of engines. But no propellers. I am not a "prop" girl.

Cue "On the Wings of Love" ABC! Of course they do. Giving Jeffrey Osborne about another 2 minutes worth of fame. Ali says "the plane taking off was our relationship taking off." Seriously. So. Cheesy.

Then Ali and Jake get into a vintage car and drive to Palm Springs. They have dinner and Ali tells Jake all of her boyfriends have names that start with J. So obviously, they must be together. Jake flashes his dimples and Ali leans in to kiss him. And then, hark! What is that music?

Jake and Ali run across a park and see a bunch of old guys singing a Chicago song. Wait...those old guys ARE Chicago! The band! You know the ones! Who sing "Saturday in the Park!" help me here....

Anyway, Ali and Jake jam out to Chicago. Can you jam out to Chicago? They try.

In the meantime, back at the house, the girls discover there will be another group date. A few girls will not be getting dates this week. One of those girls is Michelle. In case you're forgetting who Michelle is, she is the one who is scary.

When Michelle discovers she is not getting a date, she goes upstairs to pack. Because "what is the purpose of me staying? He clearly doesn't want to be with me if I'm not getting a date with him." Tenley the Disney Princess is horrified. "But you must stay!" she cries. Tenley's deer and bunnies and bluebirds nod in agreement. Michelle zips up her suitcase and puts it downstairs, throwing a dart at her Jake dartboard.

Meanwhile, the ladies and Jake are going to an amusement park. Elizabeth immediately snatches Jake away and reads him a note/poem. Or at least I thought it was poem until I realized it was actually a vaguely threatening note. It says "Don't kiss me until you're ready to kiss only me for the rest of your life." Okay. Well. A bit demanding, if you ask me. I can see not wanting to jump into bed with the guy but come on. Jake says "I respect her's kind of sweet." Excellent values. If perhaps you are in a Jane Austen novel.

After the day at the amusement park, the group daters meet for cocktails. Vienna gets a little sloshy, pulls Jake aside and tells her big secret. I'll try to get this right, it's a bit confusing. At 17, she was engaged to her pastor's son but she called it off. So a month later, this pastor's son got married to someone else. So in retribution...or else just because she's an idiot....she runs off and elopes with the first breathing male she sees (this would make her 18, I suppose) and lo and behold, it doesn't work out. This makes her sob for some reason. And then Ashley with the brown hair interrupts her tale of woe with a margarita and her extremely pink fingernails.

At the end of the night, Jake gives the rose to Elizabeth, the girl who won't kiss. Together, they sit and watch the fireworks and think about kissing. Elizabeth consents to his elbow touching hers. I can't help but think that Elizabeth's rule is just like the prostitute (Julia Roberts) in Pretty Woman who won't kiss her customers but will pretty much do everything else. I wonder if the same rule applies.

Cocktail party time! It's Ella's birthday so she gets a cupcake! I'm sure that makes her feel much better about being away from her son. Michelle tells Jake she packed her bags because she didn't think he was into her.

And then the drama begins! Chris the Dork Harrison comes and pulls Rozlyn out of the cocktail party. He apologizes and says "you entered into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer." The way it was worded, you know it was written by lawyers. He then politely tells her the staffer has been fired and she has to go home. Chris looks like he might cry (as our fellow Bachelor friend Cassie has pointed out) the entire time. Rozlyn looks like a deer in the headlights. Or a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Or...hell, just insert your own cliche here. She goes upstairs to pack her bag while a big fat bouncer-type watches. I don't know why. Do they think she is going to wreck the joint? Meanwhile, Rozlyn's wilted rose looks on. Nice touch, ABC. Trying to add some art to this, are you?

Meanwhile, Jake is disturbed to learn that the hottest girl on the show is getting kicked off. He gets teary-eyed and asks "can I get my rose back?" He watches as Chris tells the remaining girls the news. They all start to cry and I'm like..huh? What the heck is everyone crying about? I hate that. I'm all for crying if there's a good reason and there are plenty of good reasons. But to cry for that? Not acceptable. Clearly, no one here has experienced any real tragedy in their young, surgically-enhanced lives. Jake says "I feel deceived. If anyone else is not sure if they want to be here, pull me aside and we'll talk about."

Tenley is beside herself. Ashley can't believe Roz was "getting it on" with someone else. I can't believe that someone just used the phrase "getting it on." Ali says "f*ck her." Couldn't have put it better myself.

Okay. Rose ceremony time. Ali and Elizabeth have roses and are therefore safe.

Rose #1 Vienna
Rose #2 Gia
Rose #3 Tenley
Rose #4 Ella
Rose #5 Valisha
Rose #6 Corrie
Rose #7 Jessie
Rose #8 Asleigh with the blonde hair
Rose #9 Michelle
Rose #10 Kathryn.

This means that Christina and Ashley with the brown hair are history. Not surprised. Christina was kind of loud in a "I spend a lot of time in a bar" kind of way that would frighten someone like Mr. Pleated Khaki Pants. And Ashley had those kind of big round eyes that might frighten you late at night. Plus she insists on saying "genuon" instead of "genuine" which really irritated me. She did it more than once.

Okay. Next week someone goes bungee jumping with Jake. Vienna annoys everyone. And Jake wells up with tears. Really? Again?

Until next week...


Falling into the category of "So Bad It's Good"...

or maybe it's just sooo bad??

See for yourself:

Okay, must go bachelor blog now.

Watch this space...

at some point today, I'll do the Bachelor Blog. Was in Buffalo all day yesterday so I couldn't make it happen.

More to come!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The rest of it

The Bachelor, that is.

So. Time for Jakie Jake to get to know the ladies better. He claims he is "blown away by beauty." But he assures the camera "I want inner beauty." Uh huh. Right.

First thing he does is pull Ali in the yellow dress away for alone time. She is so excited by this she falls and rips her dress. She tells him she is afraid of flying and hasn't done so for eight years. Excellent match, ABC. She asks him what his top priorities are. He says "G-d. Family. Friends." Sounds like some kind of army slogan or something. Channey tells Jake her lovely landing strip sentence in Cambodian. Jake says "that's so purdy." And then she tells him what it means. You start to wonder if Jake even knows what a landing strip is. Outside of an airport, that is.

Meanwhile, the girls are getting to know each other. Christina notices that "lots of girls have their tatas out to play." Ashley the brunette decides to take things up a notch by dressing up in a vintage stewardess outfit that is literally up to her hoo-ha. All while telling Jake that she is working on her PHD.

Elizabeth the nanny is desperate to get attention so she grabs a football and challenges Jake to a game. Somehow this leads to a game with all the girls, blondes versus brunettes. I have a feeling that the brunettes should have been a much larger team if they were looking at people's roots. Jake plays quarterback for both teams. Which makes sense because some of the women are larger than him.

I know. I'm a height-ist. I can't help help. It's biological, I swear.

In case you care, the brunettes won. Insert your own blonde joke here.

Here a few observations from the night, or at least the night ABC wanted us to see. Michelle is freaking crazy. Crying, freaking out that "her husband Jake" is talking to other women. Rozlyn is beautiful but evil. Vienna likes to touch people. Lots of girls keep talking about their values which means you can bet no one's going to see any action this season. Tenly tells Jake ten things about her and then kisses him and then freaks out because he's only like the second guy she's ever kissed. Really? And then...

Jillian and Ed show up! Jillian in a disco ball of a dress. Why are they there? To help their dear pal make sense of all the ladies. You know Ed is psyched. He is taking notes. Or jotting down numbers, one or the other. They interview the ladies. Jillian dirty dances with one of them. What?

Okay. They reach their conclusions. Ed tells Jake he likes Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska. Uh huh. I'll bet. Jillian likes Ella. Jake says "who goes?" Ed practically screams "Michelle! Not a good vibe!" Really? What gave you that impression? The bunny boiling away in the kitchen? Jake says thanks and ignores what they have to say.

He then gives Tenley the first impression rose and she is welling up with tears. Oh brother. These two are made for each other. You can see all the animals of the forest stitching her wedding gown as we speak.

Okay. Rose ceremony time. Tenley is safe. Here is the rest:

Rose #1 Ella

Rose #2 Elizabeth from Nebraska

Rose #3 Ali

Rose #4 Vienna

Rose #5 Christina

Rose #6 Gia

Rose #7 Ashley (brunette)

Rose #8 Rozlyn

Rose #9 Jessie

Rose #10 Corrie

Rose #11 Valisha

Rose #12 Asleigh (blonde)

Rose #13 Kathryn

Rose #14 Michelle (who sobs pathetically).

And then we get scenes for the upcoming season. In case you haven't heard in the news, some bachelorette on the show hooks up with a crew member which throws everyone into a tizzy. Hey, she certainly wasn't going to get any from Jake. Not surprisingly, there are lots of tears. And apparently, Jakie Jake gets so mad that he kicks something. What a badass.

And that's all, folks. Can't wait until next week....

Sorry so late. I apologize for any typos, too tired to read this again.

Bachelor Round-Up "You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime..."

"Just smile for me and let the day begin
You are the sunshine that lights my heat within
I'm sure that you're an angel in disguise
Come take my hand and together we will rise

On the wings of love
Up and above the clouds
The only way to fly
Is on the wings of love
On the wings of love
Only the two of us
Together flying high
Flying high
Upon the wings of love..."

Seriously. Doesn't it make you throw up in your mouth a little?

And yet. The producers at ABC thought this was a good theme song for our new Bachelor, Jake.

Anyone else get the feeling they were trying to rip off "Top Gun" in the beginning of The Bachelor last night? Just Jakie Jake, a real man's man if I ever saw one, wearing his Aviator glasses taking off down the highway on his motorcycle. At one point, he pauses. And...cue the sunset! Cue the birds! Cue Jake's sculptured jawline! Jake is just like Maverick! At this point in the game, is Tom Cruise really the man you want to emulate??

Let me start by saying this...I like Jake. I do. He is a little too earnest, sincere and squeaky clean for his own good. But. There is something about these qualities that are also incredibly endearing. Of course, he has such high moral standards that I'm not sure any woman is ever going to measure up. And I'm pretty certain he might iron his underwear. That being said, I'm sure he looks really nice doing it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

What did we learn last night? Well, for starters...there will be a lot of tears this season. Or almost tears. You know the kind. Like when your eyes well up but don't actually overflow. Picture Emilio Estevez in "The Breakfast Club" when he's talking about his dad. You know what I mean. Last night, as Jake talked about meeting his future wife, he did that almost-tears thing and said "I'm going to walk out of here with a fiance." I checked the clock. It was only 8:05. Five minutes into the show and we already had tears. It was going to be a long night.

Or as about 8 or 9 bachelorettes said last night "It's going to be a bumpy ride." Seriously, ABC, how many more of these pilot puns are we going to have endure this season?

So we briefly meet some of the bachelorettes as they prepare to come on the show. A few highlights...Ali, a pretty blonde who's last boyfriend used to sneak out of her room while she was sleeping to have relations with her roommate. Alexa "I love straddling my Harley." Tenley "I played Arielle, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella in Disney World, teee-hee...and I just know my prince is waiting for me." Christina is "a guy's girl and I'm a little bitchy." Vienna the Paris Hilton-Wanna-Be who totes her little dog Chloe around everywhere who has a "daddy who bought me like five cars because I keep crashing them." Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska who looks like Courtney Cox with fake boobs. Gia is a "fitness model"...which I think means you have an excellent body but face, not so much. Emily is also a fit model. Is this a popular occupation? How does one become one? There's Tiana, who I thought was Disney's newest princess (she is in my house) but on the Bachelor, it means you are a tall blonde Canadian who considers herself old at age 31.

All right. Next Maverick, er, Jake pulls up at the Bachelor Mansion on his motorcycle. The driveway is wet as usual. Why is it always wet? This is Southern California, for G-d's sake. Chris the Dork Harrison and Jake have a little sit-down together. Jake's eyes well up AGAIN as he says his parents still hold hands in the grocery store and he's haunted by loneliness. Chris Harrison says "I hear you have a lot of first dates but not seconds." Jake's lower lip starts to tremble.

And then it's time to meet the ladies! Here are some initial impressions, so you can keep them all straight:

First girl out is Rozlyn. She is beautiful in a truly unexceptional way. She looks like a much skinner, not as interesting Scarlet Johanson. She is also the first to say "fasten your seat belt, it's going to be a bumpy ride." Ha ha. Good one.

Next up...Emily. She is tiny with dark hair, green eyes, green dress and teeth like Chicklets.

Next is Ali, a cute blonde in a very yellow dress. She tickles Jake with a peacock feather. He seems thrilled.

Jessie. A slim brunette with curly hair and a bit of a deer-in-the-headlights stare. She touches Jake's arm and says "do you have a registry for those guns?" Oy.

Next is our Disney princess, Tenley. She pops out of the limo and a trail of bluebirds follow her singing. She also looks a lot like Christina Applegate.

Next is Ella, the hairstylist from Knoxville with a son. She does that neat little trick of "hey what's on your shirt" and then knocks Jake in the nose. Some people find that endearing. I think it is seriously annoying.

Next up is Kathryn, a blonde flight attendant in a very fluffy purple dress.

Next is Caitlyn, who I forgot existed until I just checked my notes. She is a brunette in a blue sparkly dress who I literally never saw again for the rest of the show.

Then there is Elizabeth, the air captain who is about as serious as a heart attack. She asks Jake if he prefers to be called Jacob.

Alexa is a blonde wearing motorcycle gloves. We don't see much of her after this either.

Then there is Vienna, the Paris Wannabe. She gets out and touches Jake's abs. She is blond and kinda cross-eyed.

Next is Corrie from Kissimmee. This is a town close to Orlando. She also charms Jake by saying "what do you think about kissimmee?" He blushes and then she explains herself. Big laughs shared by all.

Then there is Kimberly, a dancer from Oklahoma. Not very memorable except for...hmm. That's all I got.

Then there is Valishia, who is a brunette in a red dress who gives Jake some dirt from Texas.

Next is Gia, the fitness model who also owns a hair salon. I found her mouth kinda distracting but she has a certain look.

Then there is Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska. Again...picture Courtney Cox with freckles.

There's Channy, wearing a very short yellow dress that barely covers her landing strip. At least that's what she tells him in Cambodian.

There's the brunette Ashley, a teacher in a pink dress.

And then there is Tiana, the fake blonde from Canada who reminded me of Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter.

Dear G-d, does this ever end??? I've been writing this for almost an hour now and I'm still not done.

Next is Christina, who comes carrying jellybeans as parting gifts for all the girls because she is sure she will win. Way to make friends, Christina.

Then there is blonde Ashleigh, who trips and winds up in the Bachelor's arms. I don't think she faked it, it was a pretty big trip.

Next is Kirsten, a blond waitress. I don't think we see her again.

Next up is Stephanie in a short gold dress. She is a dance coach.

Then there is Sheila, who walks up in aviator glasses because hey, she's an aviator too. Never mind that it looks like crap with an evening gown.

And finally, there is Michelle, who acts like a airplane as she gets out of the limo. Does it sound stupid? Yup, it was.

Okay. Well. I think I'm going to need to take a break now. I've got to do some work before I leave so tune in later for the rest. More to come!