"Hope it's not too early for the shooter story.."

Um. It's always too early for the shooter story. Particularly when you find out why this guy is called Shooter. Yeah. It's what you're thinking.

But...I digress. I will tell you that I should not be blogging tonight nor should I probably be anywhere near a computer. Nevertheless, here I am.

I've decided I feel badly for Ali. She is in over her head. I don't think she is equipped to deal with all these guys and she is clearly so nervous, she looks like she may topple over. That and ABC gave her blond extensions and a very bad spray-on tan. She is seriously looking like some sort of citrus fruit at this point. And between that and her boobs on display...she basically looks like Vienna now minus the crossed eyes.

And then there are the guys. Oh man. I can only guess that casting choices were slim. What other excuse could there be for this year's litter? Since the first show is really all about meeting the guys anyway...I'll give you my initial impression of each possible suitor. Here we go:

First out of the limo is Chris H. There are a lot of Chris guys this season. How to distinguish this one? He is cute and Canadian. I can't really tell you more than that. PRO: Appears normal. CON: Probably isn't. And Canadians are so nice, it can be a bit grating at time.

Next up, the Peculiar dude. You know...from Peculiar, Missouri! Ha ha! Hilarious! This guy Jesse makes this joke and Ali looks at him like he has three heads. PRO: Guys from Missouri are nice, I married one. CON: Not even my husband from Missouri has heard of Peculiar, Missouri. Must have like three people in it. Plus this guy's hair makes him look like a porcupine.

Next up, Chris L from Cape Cod. He's kind of cute, sounds like a Kennedy and was devoted to his mom, taking care of her while she was terminally ill. Aww...PRO: A family guy. CON: Red Sox fan. And he used the word "wicked" and not while talking about a witch. Oy.

Next, Ty from Nashville. "Nice to meet you darlin!" Oh man, you know this guy is going to get out a guitar and strum some country tunes. Can you say Wes? Hello, ABC writers...how about some new material? PRO: Um. Ty is a nice name. CON: The chewing tobacco you know he has stuffed in his pocket.

The next dude pops out of the top of the limo sunroof. That's cool. Only it means he is really, really tiny. He is too. Frank. PRO: Cool glasses. Very stylish. CON: Might be gay. Which could put a damper on the overnight dates.

Next, we have Justin. Or as he calls himself in the professional wrestling world, RATED R. Seriously. If you have a wrestling name, I somehow doubt you are on this show for the right reasons. PRO: He's probably pretty buff. CON: The hair product. And the 'roid rages will probably get old after awhile.

Next is Jay, the lawyer. He looks about 50 and not in that cool distinguished kind of way. He has an unfortunate cowlick in his hair. PRO: Um...hmmm. Your parents would like him. CON: You wouldn't. Plus he resembles a creepier Jim Carrey, which is saying something.

Next is Chris N. from Orlando. He looks like he might be related to the Osmonds. He is also wearing a very turquiose tie. PRO: Let me know when you think of one. CON: Too many to count.

Then we have Kasey, an ad exec from Colorado. The first thing you notice about him is his voice. At first you think it is a joke. Then you feel bad because you wonder if it is an impediment. And then you realize it isn't and you lower the sound on your television. PRO: He looks cute like Jake. CON: He might be a stalker. Something in his eyes...

Then we have Kyle. He pretends Ali is a fish and tries to reel her in. Ha ha! Yeah. It wasn't funny at all. He is dressed in yellow with a peach tie. PRO: At least his name isn't Chris. CON: His job is "outdoorsman." Does this mean he is homeless?

Next up is Roberto. All right. Finally. Someone cute. Great dimples. He talks to her in Spanish. Ali is swooning. PRO: Hot CON: Ali can't pronounce his name. Seriously. Dude! It's Robert with an O!

Then we have Craig. Otherwise known as "The Hair." It looks like a lot of time was spent puffing up that poof. His suit is just a bit too tight. Not sure how he is walking comfortably. PRO: If you fixed the hair, he'd be cute. CON: He thinks the hair looks good. And he has the swagger of a guy who thinks he is more handsome than he is.

Next is John from Kansas. PRO: Um. I'm sure he is a good person. CON: The hair, the hair. Looks like a small farm animal.

Then we have Tyler. He is from Vermont. I love Vermont. He is a bit nerdy. I love nerds. Yay, Tyler. PRO: Vermont is awesome. He is probably outdoorsy. CON: He might make her go camping.

Next we have John C. Love his purple tie. He pretends he is proposing. PRO: Seems to have a sense of humor. CON: Not terribly tall.

Then we have Jonathon the Weather Boy. I say boy because he is not quite a man. He gives her a sunshine button. Say it with me...awwwwww. PRO: He's certainly cheerful. And you'll never have to click on weather.com again. CON: My daughter is taller than he is.

Next up is Craig R. A big tall lawyer from the Philly. I like him already. PRO: Very confident but not in an annoying way. CON: Isn't quite as pretty as the rest but I don't think that's a bad thing.

Then we have STeve, a sales rep from Cleveland. Odd haircut around the ears so he looks like someone from Lord of the Rings. PRO: Ummmm....might speak elf. CON: That haircut, dude.

Next up is Kirk, a sales consultant from Wisconsin. This guy made her a scrapbook. Oh boy. He's one of those. PRO: Would probably be very devoted. CON: Would be annoying after five minutes or so.

Then we have Tyler from Austin. He claims she was wearing cowboy boots when she stepped out of the limo to meet Jake. Um. No. Sorry. PRO: Kinda cute despite the boots. CON: Thought Ali was someone else. Oops.

Next is Hunter from Texas. Cute in a Curious George kind of way. PRO: Funny. Told Ali he had to go to the bathroom. CON: He looks like a monkey. A cute monkey, but still.

Then we have...Derek from Michigan. Poor dear. This is Shooter. The guy voluntarily tells Ali that his friends call him Shooter because of his tendency to Uh....###$$ prematurely. OMG. Seriously. I hope the producers paid a lot of money for him to say that. Either that or he was very drunk. PRO: I'm not sure there is one. CON: Duh.

And lastly, there is Jason. He climbs over the car and does a backflip. Unfortunately, he looks a little um...not smart. PRO: Acrobatics. CON: He resembles Patrick the Starfish.

Okay. No sense into going into more details because I'm super tired and the first night is kinda fluff anyway. Here is who got roses:

Roberto got the first impression rose.

Next, Jessie from Peculiar.

Ty who I barely remember.

Craig the big tall lawyer.

Tyler B. the dude from Vermont.

Frank with the spiffy glasses

Steve? Who the hell is this?

Chris L...the wicked awesome dude

Kirk the scrapbooker

John C with the purple tie.

Chris N....who?

Chris H...first guy out

Hunter

Craig "the hair"

Jonathon the weatherman

And...Kasy...the Jake look alike.

Whew. Okay. That was a lot. I apologize for any spelling errors...I am posting without reading this again so hope it doesn't suck.

Night-night.

N