Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Women Tell All or.... how to waste two perfectly good hours of your life

I simply cannot go into all the absurdity of last night. I would rather spend that time talking about the outfits the Russian ice dancers wore last night (rope wrapped around their bodies to aid their with their lifts...pretty sneaky, sis...)

But since I watched the show, let's talk about a few things. Here's what I learned:

1. All the former participants of the show get together, go on cruises, eat too many shrimp and then hook up.

2. All the former participants of the show also try to "give back." Admirable thought but they do so by painting lifeguard stands. Because what this world really needs is more colorful lifeguard stands. In case you are wondering Matt the Bachelor is still hot, Deeanna the Bachelorette is still grating, Wes is still a tool and Shayne Lamas seems like she needs to go to rehab.

3. ABC loves to show the former participants handing out food to needy people but only if said needy people will appear on camera and tell their sob story. You can practically see the ABC producer holding a bag of cookies juuust out of reach as they say "thanks from my family."

4. When we see the ladies in person, Corrie looks prettier than I thought she would and so does blonde Asleigh. Jessie just seems like a painted doll and Gia seems like Malibu Barbie by way of Queens.

5. The other girls think Tenley "just dropped out of a Disney movie" and "she dreams in cartoons" and in perhaps the best line of the night "sh*ts rainbows." In other words, maybe she's a fun person to have a picture opportunity with at Disney World for an hour but perhaps could be a bit annoying for say, a lifetime.

6. Elizabeth realized acting like she wouldn't kiss Jake without a wedding proposal was in hindsight...a bit preposterous.

7. Chris hates Rozlyn, the girl kicked off for sleeping with a producer. I will say this, Rozlyn has seen a lawyer. Girlfriend did not think of all of these angles herself. She makes the case for why she did not sleep with the producer, even going as far as to swear on her child's life, which in my opinion is always a bad idea. Meanwhile, various women mention she never slept in her bed in the house. Hmmm. This whole thing eventually turned into a pissing match and honestly, I'm sure she probably hooked up with the guy but come on. Who. Cares. It ended with Roz making some comment about Chris Harrison trying to hit on the producer's ex-wife. Chris looks rattled so I'm sure that probably happened too. Again. Who. Cares.

8. And then Jakey comes out looking somber. Dude, this guy is not looking like a happy-go-lucky guy in love. I'm sure he will either not pick anyone next week OR pick Vienna and then realize it was a mistake. Either way, he looks at Ali like she is a midnight snack. I'm sure those two will hook up at some point. Jake also utters the cheesiest line of the night"when you left, my heart was crying." At that point, I considered changing the channel to the Olympics.

9. My favorite part of the night? Jake asking Chris Harrison (in all seriousness) what he uses on his teeth to make them so white....and Chris refuses to disclose this information.

10. Lastly, when Chris Harrison asks Jake is he's happy, he says...dramatic pause..."yes." Now, since we know Jake has a tendency to overact (remember the crying over a hotel balcony last season) this leads me to believe that he isn't happy at all.
Not wishing that on him, I'm just saying.

The finale is next week!!! Get excited, people. I am...


"The girl sh*ts rainbows."

Seriously great quote from Gia regarding our friend Tenley. Mostly I thought the show was a bit boring but there were a few good quotes here and there. I'll try to blog about it by the end of the day.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

And the rest of it...

Okay. Next day, next overnight date. Jakie is really going to have to work hard for this one. Number one, because Tenley is DIVORCED. Oh soooo shocking. But Disney princesses don't do that. Nor do they stay overnight with men who are not their husbands and most importantly, not princes.

Still, he tries. He takes her for a picnic in the rain forest. If you've ever been to one, then you know that's probably not the best place to do it. Too many critters. But fine. Then they walk on a black sand beach. Tenley tells Jake "she has not been with another man since her ex-husband." The bunnies and the bluebirds nod vehemently. Jake sighs, does his best Tom Cruise jaw flex and hopes for the best.

They have dinner by the pool. I feel itchy just looking at them because that is totally when all the bugs come out. Then they take off their shoes and dance. She tells Jake "I'm glad I've gotten this opportunity with you despite my past." What past?? Just because she is divorced she thinks she is this tainted woman. Maybe that's why she isn't working at Disney World anymore...they've banished her. Then she says "I'll let you lead....you can lead me through life...that's what I want." Thanks, Tenley. The woman's movement really thanks you for that, too.

And then Jake takes that moment to hand her the fantasy suite card. He says "I'm really excited about it." Uh yes...I'll bet you are. Tenley says in her best Sleeping Beauty voice "I want to spend every second I can with you." Jake says "I can't wait....(dramatic pause)....to watch our first sunrise together."

Uh huh. Yes. I'm sure that's what you can't wait for, Jake. And here's what happens when they enter the fantasy suite:

TENLEY: Oh my goodness! Look at the rose petals!

JAKE: I love your morals and values.

TENLEY: Thanks for appreciating them, they mean a lot to me.

And then you remember you are not watching the BBC's latest Jane Austen adaptation but The Bachelor. You know the producers are rolling their eyes, trying to ply them with more alcohol.

JAKE: Tenley would make an amazing wife.

And again, this is why he will not choose her.

Next day, next date. Vienna! I say that with an exclamation point because everything about her seems to be that way. She doesn't have blond hair. She has BLOND HAIR! She doesn't have boobs, she has BOOBS! You get the picture. Jake says "I feel like a kid when I'm with her." Vienna's reaction? She licks him. Jake dresses like a pilot. Oops, I mean pirate. We notice Vienna has a tattoo the size of a human head on her stomach. It's not a tramp stamp. It's just...ugly.

But I am not here to rag on Vienna. Why? I sorta feel bad for her. Yes, she is tacky. But the girl has been torn to shreds in the tabloids. They're talking about her mother being a stripper. That's not her fault. Sometimes you're born a Rockefeller. Sometimes you're born the daughter of a stripper. Doesn't mean you should be judged for what your parents have done.

Okay. Off my high horse. Jake says "rolling around in the sand with Vienna was smoking hot. Now I need to make sure there is some substance to the relationship."

Good thinking, Jakie. See how she feels about the economy. Or global warming. Go ahead, I dare you. So he says:

JAKE: What kind of engagement rings do you like?



Girlfriend's eyes nearly popped out of her head. She says she wants a thin band with some bling around it and a princess cut.

VIENNA: Could you see me as your wife?

JAKE: Yes. But I've fallen for two other women also.


She sighs. And then tries to remember what she learned in high school drama class. Cue the tears.

VIENNA: I cannot picture my life without you. I've fallen in love with you.

JAKE: You have? I love your brutal honesty.

And with that, he hands her "the card." You know what I'm talking about.

VIENNA: We need some alone time.

Oh. Is that what they are calling it these days?

Jake says "I love everything about her." They enter the fantasy suite.

JAKE: This is neat.

C'mon, Jakie....really?

VIENNA: I'll be right back.

And she shows up in a very bridal-y negligee. And she shuts the door. We hear shrieks of pain from Jakey.

Next morning. Jake is in his own room recovering from Vienna. And...the phone rings. Yup. It's Ali. She has changed her mind. They commence to have a boring conversation about what a mistake she made. They go back and forth and he tells her not to come. Ali says "I'll forever regret my decision." Yes. Until ABC offers to make you The Bachelorette.

Jake then ponders who to send home. He mentions again he used to be called Mr. Dateless. Which I don't believe because there is nothing really funny or interesting about that name...and since there is nothing particularly funny or interesting about him, he made it up himself. Long story short, he dumps Gia, who leaves in a pool of sweat, tears and body glitter. Not worried about her though since Page Six is still talking about her. She'll be fine.

Next week, it's the Women Tell All. They are dragging back Rosalind to talk about her slutting around. Says a lot about her that she agreed to come on. Good times!

That's it guys! Now onto men's ice skating!! Yay.

"You drove away with a piece of my heart"...Bachelor Round-Up

Okay. I did not blog about last week's show. I simply...could...not...do....it. Why? Well, first of all, I did not take my computer on my business trip. And while some have suggested I blog via the blackberry, I am simply not that dedicated. Also, last week's show was not that interesting.

Not that this week's was that much better. It should have been. It is the much anticipated Boom-chicka-wow-wow week. Meaning Jakie Jake is expected to ahem, perform three nights in a room with three different women. With Chris Harrison providing the Viagra. Somehow, this was still not interesting. Maybe because I do not believe that Jake actually did the deed. Well, except maybe with Vienna who no doubt forced herself on him while he shut his eyes and whimpered.

But as usual, I am getting ahead of myself...

The first overnight date was with Gia. She shows up wearing the shortest shorts on the planet and I am hoping they are not going to hike or anything like that. Also, there are sand fleas on those beaches so girlfriend is going to get attacked. But whatever. She also appears to be holding a bottle of rum. Perhaps this is what she needs to get through these overnight dates? Jake looks like a fool in an island style bead necklace. There are some men, some surfer types, who can sincerely pull this off. Think Matthew McConaughey. Jake, you are no Matthew. Though you do take your shirt off almost as much.

Jake and Gia eat fresh coconut and hang out with locals. Gia dirty dances as a guy plays the bongos and looks like all she is missing is a pole. Jake says "I want to come back here for my honeymoon." In the meantime, ABC manages to show us Gia's butt like fifty times which is sincerely making me feel about sitting on my own butt while eating Chocolate Cheerios.

At dinner, Gia shows up wearing a tiara and for some reason, body glitter. Jake says "our bodies fit together" and hands her the Chris Harrison card, as he calls it. This is Jake's way of pretending he is not asking a woman to come up to his room and do the wild thing. In case you have any doubt what will happen, Gia says "I'm ready to go all the way." Hmmm...is that what the teleprompter said?

They go back to the hotel suite complete with rose petals and a trail of clothes leading up to the bathtub. Jake says "this could be the woman I propose to." Or...not. Next!

Okay. Gotta run to beat this crappy weather. More to come tonight.

Friday, February 12, 2010

So no, I still haven't blogged about the Bachelor....

but a blizzard, flight delays and an earthquake have kept from even watching the whole episode. I will try. But can't promise it's going to happen.

In the meantime, I will tell you that my daughter claims to have a daughter named Milly and a son named Michael that she is keeping in her room. Oh, and apparently we also have a ghost. As long as the ghost isn't expecting me to walk/bathe/feed it, that's fine with me.

Watch for a possible bachelor blog this weekend...depending on my level of energy.

Happy Friday,

Monday, February 8, 2010

Don't forget!

Bachelor on tonight. The hometown dates with a big SHOCK. Ha. We'll see.

And since I'll be traveling for work on Tuesday and Wednesday, the round-up will definitely be late. Sorry...

Enjoy the show.


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

"You can eat my salmon..." Bachelor Round UP

So it's official. My girl hates The Bachelor. It is the only reason I can explain her behavior on Monday nights.

A: I hear horn honks, I can't sleep.

ME: You live in Brooklyn. Sorry. You have to learn to live with it.

A: It's hot.

ME: Take off your blanket.

A: I want to watch your show.

ME: It's for grown-ups.

A: No. There are princesses on your show.

ME: Those are NOT princesses. I repeat. NOT PRINCESSES.

A: But they all have yellow hair.

Yes, they do. Disturbingly yellow. Anyway...this is why I did not get to watch the beginning of the show last night. I saw bits and pieces between trying to convince Girlfriend to go to sleep. I know Jake went on a date with Tenley, who is the closest one to a princess, I suppose. I know they were up in some high tower in San Francisco. I know she used that little baby voice that reminds me of Trista and Cinderella. And I know that Jake says "Tenley is the one I picture most as my wife."

Aha! And there you go, folks. The reason that Tenley won't be the last one standing. ABC doesn't want to make it this easy for you. Still, I will say this is the only girl there I can see him having any real shot with. So of course, she will be left in the dust.

Jake asks Tenley what mistakes she made in her marriage. She says she took things for granted. She asks what he wants in a marriage. He says something about having her back. Tenley is also concerned about pilots not being faithful. Jake tells her "the woman I marry will be the last woman I look at."

Jake says," our kisses are magical, we line up on so many things." Hurry, someone cue "On the Wings of Love!" The Muzak version. Thanks, ABC!

Next day, a double date with Gia and Vienna. They are going to a "castle" in Napa Valley. I say it with quotation marks because it looks rather Epcot-y in my opinion. Vienna says something like "I'm my dad's prince and now I'm Jake's queen." Gia is worried that she will be the third wheel in this scenario. And she is. Jake and Vienna taste wine. Gia looks on. Vienna says "I'm going to pretend she's here."

Which seems like a fine plan until Jake steals Gia away for some snogging. Gia admits "I'm probably the most insecure girl here." Really? You're a swimsuit model, for crying out loud! If you can't be confident, who the hell can? Jake tells her he's really into her and she is kind, generous and drop dead gorgeous. This seems to brighten her spirits as they start making out.

Meanwhile, Vienna decides to go looking for them, carrying around a lantern from that appears to be from the 1800's but was probably purchased at Anthropologie. ABC films it like it's Blair Witch Project. Vienna is like, oh, I'm scared. Dude. How scared can you be with the director, assistant director, DP, key grip, best boy and craft services table three feet away?

Vienna isn't happy that she didn't get much alone time with her "boyfriend" so she decides to sneak into his room at bedtime, two glasses of wine in hand. Jake says "I had dirty thoughts but it was gonna be G-rated all the way." Jake promptly kicks her out of bed. Go Jakey.

Next day, it's a date with Corrie. They are going to take a walk in the park. They go on a rowboat. The geese are more exciting than these two. She sits there awkwardly and waits for Jake to kiss her. The geese wait. Nothing happens.

Then that night they go to a natural history museum and look at frogs and stuff. Still, not much. At dinner they discuss the fact that Corrie won't live with someone before marriage. In fact, we find out there are a lot of things Corrie won't do before marriage. The fact that Corrie is the big V actually turns on Jakey Jake a little. So he plants one on her. Unfortunately, it seems the frogs have more sexual chemistry.

Next up, it's a date with Ali. "I can't wait to show him my town, my world, where I hang out, my restaurants!" On this date, Ali says "me" or "my" about 20 times. And while Jake seems to like her straddling and kissing him in the park, he doesn't seem nearly as into her as he used to be. Time's up, Yellow Dress girl!

Cocktail party time! Tenley and Jakey dance and he looks like he's going to cry with happiness. The bluebirds oooh and ahhh.

Meanwhile Ali and Corrie discuss Ali's date.

Corrie: Did it go really good?

Ugh. Did you really just say that? And by the way...no one on this show uses adverbs. Jake doesn't feel strongly about any of the women...he feels strong. Jake said this not once, but twice. SeriousLY, I love adverbs and I love LY and if he offered me a rose, I'd have to turn him down. But niceLY.

Anyway, Corrie is the one who gets the boot and she says "I don't date four men very good." Come on Corrie, speak English! Or go back to Florida, no one will notice down there. (I'm from there so I can mock it.)

Anyway, next week...Jake goes to the ladies' hometowns. And apparently Jake gets some big shock and there is no rose ceremony. I'm betting Ali is going down.

And happiLY, that's it.

Happy Tuesday,

Monday, February 1, 2010

It's the first day of February...

what better way to spend it than with the Bachelor? Two whole hours of...well...not much.

Enjoy the show!