I simply cannot go into all the absurdity of last night. I would rather spend that time talking about the outfits the Russian ice dancers wore last night (rope wrapped around their bodies to aid their with their lifts...pretty sneaky, sis...)
But since I watched the show, let's talk about a few things. Here's what I learned:
1. All the former participants of the show get together, go on cruises, eat too many shrimp and then hook up.
2. All the former participants of the show also try to "give back." Admirable thought but they do so by painting lifeguard stands. Because what this world really needs is more colorful lifeguard stands. In case you are wondering Matt the Bachelor is still hot, Deeanna the Bachelorette is still grating, Wes is still a tool and Shayne Lamas seems like she needs to go to rehab.
3. ABC loves to show the former participants handing out food to needy people but only if said needy people will appear on camera and tell their sob story. You can practically see the ABC producer holding a bag of cookies juuust out of reach as they say "thanks from my family."
4. When we see the ladies in person, Corrie looks prettier than I thought she would and so does blonde Asleigh. Jessie just seems like a painted doll and Gia seems like Malibu Barbie by way of Queens.
5. The other girls think Tenley "just dropped out of a Disney movie" and "she dreams in cartoons" and in perhaps the best line of the night "sh*ts rainbows." In other words, maybe she's a fun person to have a picture opportunity with at Disney World for an hour but perhaps could be a bit annoying for say, a lifetime.
6. Elizabeth realized acting like she wouldn't kiss Jake without a wedding proposal was in hindsight...a bit preposterous.
7. Chris hates Rozlyn, the girl kicked off for sleeping with a producer. I will say this, Rozlyn has seen a lawyer. Girlfriend did not think of all of these angles herself. She makes the case for why she did not sleep with the producer, even going as far as to swear on her child's life, which in my opinion is always a bad idea. Meanwhile, various women mention she never slept in her bed in the house. Hmmm. This whole thing eventually turned into a pissing match and honestly, I'm sure she probably hooked up with the guy but come on. Who. Cares. It ended with Roz making some comment about Chris Harrison trying to hit on the producer's ex-wife. Chris looks rattled so I'm sure that probably happened too. Again. Who. Cares.
8. And then Jakey comes out looking somber. Dude, this guy is not looking like a happy-go-lucky guy in love. I'm sure he will either not pick anyone next week OR pick Vienna and then realize it was a mistake. Either way, he looks at Ali like she is a midnight snack. I'm sure those two will hook up at some point. Jake also utters the cheesiest line of the night"when you left, my heart was crying." At that point, I considered changing the channel to the Olympics.
9. My favorite part of the night? Jake asking Chris Harrison (in all seriousness) what he uses on his teeth to make them so white....and Chris refuses to disclose this information.
10. Lastly, when Chris Harrison asks Jake is he's happy, he says...dramatic pause..."yes." Now, since we know Jake has a tendency to overact (remember the crying over a hotel balcony last season) this leads me to believe that he isn't happy at all.
Not wishing that on him, I'm just saying.
The finale is next week!!! Get excited, people. I am...