Tuesday, February 16, 2010

"You drove away with a piece of my heart"...Bachelor Round-Up

Okay. I did not blog about last week's show. I simply...could...not...do....it. Why? Well, first of all, I did not take my computer on my business trip. And while some have suggested I blog via the blackberry, I am simply not that dedicated. Also, last week's show was not that interesting.

Not that this week's was that much better. It should have been. It is the much anticipated Boom-chicka-wow-wow week. Meaning Jakie Jake is expected to ahem, perform three nights in a room with three different women. With Chris Harrison providing the Viagra. Somehow, this was still not interesting. Maybe because I do not believe that Jake actually did the deed. Well, except maybe with Vienna who no doubt forced herself on him while he shut his eyes and whimpered.

But as usual, I am getting ahead of myself...

The first overnight date was with Gia. She shows up wearing the shortest shorts on the planet and I am hoping they are not going to hike or anything like that. Also, there are sand fleas on those beaches so girlfriend is going to get attacked. But whatever. She also appears to be holding a bottle of rum. Perhaps this is what she needs to get through these overnight dates? Jake looks like a fool in an island style bead necklace. There are some men, some surfer types, who can sincerely pull this off. Think Matthew McConaughey. Jake, you are no Matthew. Though you do take your shirt off almost as much.

Jake and Gia eat fresh coconut and hang out with locals. Gia dirty dances as a guy plays the bongos and looks like all she is missing is a pole. Jake says "I want to come back here for my honeymoon." In the meantime, ABC manages to show us Gia's butt like fifty times which is sincerely making me feel about sitting on my own butt while eating Chocolate Cheerios.

At dinner, Gia shows up wearing a tiara and for some reason, body glitter. Jake says "our bodies fit together" and hands her the Chris Harrison card, as he calls it. This is Jake's way of pretending he is not asking a woman to come up to his room and do the wild thing. In case you have any doubt what will happen, Gia says "I'm ready to go all the way." Hmmm...is that what the teleprompter said?

They go back to the hotel suite complete with rose petals and a trail of clothes leading up to the bathtub. Jake says "this could be the woman I propose to." Or...not. Next!

Okay. Gotta run to beat this crappy weather. More to come tonight.

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