Tuesday, April 29, 2008

"I had more physical contact with a turtle" Bachelor Round-Up

Hi all,

Writing to you from sunny Florida. I have to say, I really did enjoy the boom-chicka-wow-wow dates. Safe to say that Matty the Bachelor was quite the cad...we can safely assume that all the girls became intimate with his little hoodie. But, I"m getting ahead of myself.

Here's how it all started...Matt and the ladies are all going to Barbados. I'm kind of interested in this because that's where our nanny is from and she always talks about. The parts we did see...looked beautiful. However...if the Barbados tourism board sponsored this thing, they should get their money back. Mostly all we saw was the stupid HIlton hotel. I don't care how many candles you put in it, it's still a damn Hilton. Ugh.

So the festivities start with Matt's fantasy date with Shayne. She comes running up to him in the world's worst floppy hate. They go jet-skiing and then we are treated to the requisite underwater swim shots. Like, why? And if that's not enough, we have to see Shayne doing splits on a trampoline. So...what exactly kind of actress is Shayne?? Hmmm...

The best thing about Shayne is...it seems as though she may have writers. I'm sorry...but she does the dumb blonde thing a little too well...a la Jessica Simpson. She asks Matt "do they have palm trees in London?" He says "I think you know the answer to that." The dumb blonde thing only works if you are a little bit stupid. I actually think Shayne knows exactly what she's doing. All the time.

Fav part of the date? Shayne showing how actors kiss. Because of course she's been in TONS of movies and knows these things. Matt accuses of her playing up the whole sex kitten thing. She admits that she loves being blonde and has been since she was twelve. Which sadly I realize...for Shayne has only been ten years! Dude, I am so damn old. I need to stop shopping at Forever 21 bcause I am now closer to 42. There ought to be a law.

So Matt is trying to make sure that Shayne is not actually a dumb blonde and informs her he likes talking politics. She assure him that she is intellectual. Okay, let's not go crazy. She tells him she is falling in love with him and tells her he is falling for her too. Matty takes this opportunity to whip it out....the fantasy card, that is. Shayne acts all coy for like a half a second because did you really think she wasn't going to the fantasy suite with him? Yeah. Me neither.

And so they go to the lame ass Hilton fantasy suite and put rose petals everywhere. How sucky because I know that Barbados has tons of fancy resorts that would be way nicer. Oh well. They do have a private pool where we see them making out. Matt literally appears to be gnawing on Shayne's face. And...fade to black.

By the way, my parents' new puppy Coco is barking away as I write this. Is it wrong to hate a puppy? I thought I was an animal person. But as it turns out....I dislike a puppy so I guess I'm not.

Okay. Next up, date with Amanda. He says he's always been attracted to Amanda but it sure didn't look that way last night. Maybe it was new angles that ABC was using but she has a rather Olive Oyl look....skinny/big teeth/big eyes. We see them ziplining together and Matt hugging her as he would one of his buddies. Uh oh. Amanda says she wants to go to the fantasy suite with him but "she's not sure he'll want to with her." HUh? Come on. She doesn't think he wants the opportunity to sleep with her? Dude, if you get that vibe, why even bother? They have dinner together and then one of the most awkward conversations ever on the Bachelor Show. It goes something like this:

Amanda: I um, y'know, like you in a different way, you know than like you know like ever before I like you know liked anyone. Y'know?

At this point, my husband is counting the number of "likes" and declares Amanda "dorky." You get the feeling Matt feels the same way but he goes to the fantasy suite with her anyway, despite some pretty awkward kissing. Amanda assures him "I just love kissing you." Uh huh. Next!

It's Chelsea time. You get the feeling Matt really wants this to work. He totally has the hots for her. Only...Chelsea...not so much. They have an awkward date where Matt spends more time feeling up a turtle than Chelsea. He says "what's wrong with this woman? This is the worst date ever."

Dinner time. Chelsea gussies herself up. Matt puts his cards on the table and says "I feel like I"m your best friend, not date." She says "she's distubed by the other girls here. I think we could be great together. I hope I get to show you that." This seems to be good enough for Matty. He busts out the fantasy card. The go to the gussied up HIlton which I really hope is a different suite than the other two dates because that would just be yucky.

He tells her "I go out of my way for you because from early on I thought we'd be a great couple." She tells him she's got a surprise for him and slips into a black nightie. Okay. So in case you had any question about how that date ended.

Rose ceremony time. NO surprises her. Shayne gets one rose and Chelsea the other. So Amanda's out and girlfriend is pissed. You know she's like "I slept with this dude and I still get dumped?" She kind of stomps off and that's the end of her. Sorry kiddo...back to Niceville for you.

Next week, Matt takes Chelsea and Shayne to LOndon. Let the cliches begin, starting with the red double decker bus. We'll see if these girls get past his family...my money's on them hating Shayne. We shall see.

In the meantime...I haven't checked the stats of the game but I assume the Bunburys are still in the lead. Next week is the Girls Tell All which I may have to skip since I"ll be on my way back to Sanibel...I'll keep you posted.

That's it all....The Husband and I are actually going out tonight so I've got to run...and that %$%#$#@ dog is still barking! Ugh...

Have a good night....


Friday, April 25, 2008

The smell of skin

I'm the only one who probably has this problem.

I'll be sitting on the subway reading and suddenly I'm distracted by the smell of someone's skin. I don't mean like body odor/perspiration. I mean like a distinctly human skin odor. Of course, this is never one particular scent. And I don't mean like a food smell like someone who's spent too long standing over a deep fryer. I just know that I don't like it.

Is is me? Yeah. Probably is.

Help me out with this, people. (If I do indeed have any people.)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Bachelor Round-Up "I don't always understand all of his jokes because I don't speak British"

All right, so...I know this is very very late and at this point you probably don't even care about the Bachelor but hey, here it is.
Maybe it was just because I watched it on the veeery small screen of my computer last night but the show was rather predictable, don't you think? The only truly interesting tidbit was...apparently matt is proposing this season? Holy cow, what a crap idea. That literally never works out (I'm not counting Trista and Ryan because they are so annoying they cannot actually be real people...just weird robotic wax figures created by ABC). I actually thought Matt was smarter than that but...apparently not.

Okay. So. On this week's show, Matt gets to meet all the parents. First up, he's meeting Shayne's folks in LA. More specifically, Lorenzo Lamas, he of Renegade fame (did anyone watch this?) and most importantly, as the dumb jock in the first Grease movie. He shows up at a restaurant, looking much thinner than I remember. But first Matt pretends as though he can't pronounce the last name Lamas. I think he is trying to be all Hugh Grant charming. It doesn't work.

Anyway, Lorenzo shows up and promptly tells Matt that Shayne finds this enticing because she wants to be an actress and she gets to be on TV. Uh oh. Shayne glares at him and then gives an impassioned speech about how she is here "for this man and no other". Hi, Soap Opera Digest? Seriously cheese-O. Then Daddy Llama pulls Matty away and tells him he shouldn't toy with Shayne's feelings. Matt assures him "their connection is almost too good to be true." Then Daddy Llama and Shayne share a tender moment where he tells her "to follow her heart." She wells up and hugs him. And....cut! Seriously. She is soo making all those soap opera faces, smiling bravely though her tears.

And then they're off to meet the Mama Llama and her sister, Dakota. They show up at the house and they've entered Blonde Land. Filled with leopard-skin well, everything and little white dogs that wear tutus. All I have to say about Mama Llama is...oh dear. What happens when plastic surgery goes dreadfully wrong. Her boobs are up to her chin, her face is pulled back like she's in a tornado and the lips. Oh boy, the lips. Seriously. They could host their own talk show. The lips could frighten small children. That's all I can stare at everytime she talks.

But Mama Llama seems very nice, going out of her way to make roast beef and yorkshire pudding that come to think of it, look too professional. Okay. So Mama Llama probably got it catered but that's okay. She steals Matt away and forces him to watch videos of Shayne in some talent show. Meanwhile, Shayne's sister Dakota shakes her oddly headbanded head and tells her "faith" a bunch of times. California is weird, dude.

At the end of the date, Matt says he didn't want to go. Really? He was cool with the tutu-ed dogs? He then calls Shayne "his little monkey." Hmmm. Terms of endearment. Very interesting.

Next up is a date with Chelsea in Durango, Colorado. Matt is nervous about Chelsea because she plays hot and cold. Now ABC has been making a lot of Chelsea being guarded so I wonder if they are just trying to throw us off the scent. We meet Chelsea's mom and dad and they seem nice and regular-folk. This is where Chelsea makes her bone-headed comment about not speaking British. I will assume for her benefit she was being sarcastic. Her dad tells Chelsea to open up and "nothing ventured, nothing gained." Kind of a blah date except for the fact that they make out when he leaves and he tells her "I'm going to miss you, honey." He also says "what a great couple we could be."

Next up, Noelle. We're still in Colorado only now we're on a ranch. Dad is conservative and tosses horseshoes. Mom looks like a good prairie wife. Noelle's sisters are like a couple of crows, hee-hawing it up and drooling over Matt. Poor Noelle doesn't stand a chance. Dad is not impressed with Matt's equestrian skills; I thought if he was an upper class English man he'd be horsey but apparently not. The sisters corner Matt and ask him if he's in love with more than one person. He says he is. The date ends rather unremarkably and I start considering picking up the book I'm writing (ATonement, it's much better than the movie). But I don't. Things will pick up. And they do.

Okay. Amanda's date in Tallahassee, FLorida. Boy, does that town suck. Not only is it ugly but it houses Florida State University AND the stupid seat of the Florida goverment. Trust me on this one. Amanda has decided to play a practical joke on Matt and hire two actors to be her parents. Huh? So Fake Mom is going to hit on Matt and Fake Dad is going to get irrate. It's kind of funny, particularly when Fake Mom throws a leg over Matt and tries to dry-hump him while rubbing his nipples. Fake Dad does his best Paul Giammatti imitation with his eyes bugging out. Finally, Amanda has mercy on him and tells Matt the truth. Matt says it's funny but it doesn't look like he really thinks it is. Oops.

So. Rose ceremony time. No big surprises here:

Rose #1....Shayne. It just has to be said...is this girl getting a little thicker since the show started?

Rose #2...Amanda.

Rose #3...Chelsea

Noelle's out. Matt walks her out and tells her while they had a connection, he didn't always find it the easiest with her. Noelle ducks her head, taking the blame. She's a little too much the victim here. In the limo ride home, she insinuates she gets dumped a lot. Poor thing. I don't know how this girl is surviving in LA...rumor has it she's trying to be an actress too. I don't see it, but fine.

Next week, Matt is taking the girls to Barbados. It's the overnight dates...which means...put-out or get-out. And then we see more shots of Matt proposing. The one thing I did notice is that girl's arm he is proposing too was definitely not tan but long and pale...leading me to believe it is NOT Shayne, unless she decided to lay off the self-tan (yeah, right). Hmmm. Food for thought, people.

Oh and...the Bunbury sisters are still in first place. Put your picks in early if you think you can beat 'em. I don't think I can but I try anyway.

Next week, I'll be writing to you from sunny (hopefully) Florida since my sister Marci is getting married. Wish for good weather for them!

Until next week,

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Lactose Intolerance and other things to keep to yourself

Lately I find that people are telling me things I don't really want/need to know. Like yesterday. The moderator of the focus groups when into great detail regarding her lactose intolerance. (Of course,despite knowing this about herself, she downed large quantities of cheese before having to moderate a bunch of 10-year-old boys.)

Which leads me to my next point...how much info is too much? Telling your mom/significant other things doesn't count. Because of course, they long to know the state of your bowels at all times.

Here is my list of things that you should keep to yourself. Feel free to add to it. I realize of course I am running the risk of you suggesting I keep this blog to myself. So if you do indeed feel this way...keep it to yourself.

1. The state of your unwanted body hair...comments such as "I so need a wax right now...you should feel my underarm hair, really"

2. The current state of American Idol....yes, I know. I write about the Bachelor. But American Idol is so much lamer because it's so mainstream and dreadful. Plus it calls itself AI which is horrific.

3. Following in that category...people who speak in text message language such as LOL.

4. The running tally of foods that give you intestinal distress. "Grapes give me gas" or "mexican food repeats on me all day" or "one hot dog and I'm in the bathroom all day."

5. "We're trying to get pregnant" or "we're doing the baby dance" or "we're going on a baby making vacation." Don't care how good your friends are...no one wants to picure you doing this.

6. The "It was expensive but it was worth it" people. Ha! These people just want to brag about how much money they spent. You did not ask yet they feel compelled to tell you. This usually follows with actual dollar amounts along with repeated assurances "it was worth it, though."

7. People who comment on the size of your child. This one hits close for me since A. was such a peanut in the beginning. Everyone felt compelled to tell me how teeny she was and how when THEIR child was her age, he was already so-and-so size. All children grow at different rates, Shut the heck up, people. Your kid looks FAT to me but I'm keeping my mouth shut, aren't I?

8. In somewhat the same category...women who get off on telling you their (or their friends') horrific birth story and everything that went wrong and how she was in labor for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT AND THEN THEY GAVE HER A C-SECTION! These people are mean and secretly get a kick out of scaring first time moms. They should be made to sit in the corner.

9. If you get Botox....we all know it. Seriously. You can't move half your face.

10. Books that changed your life. I'm not talking about a particular novel that really moved you. I'm talking about Who Moved My Cheese? or The Celestine Prophecy or The Artist's Way. These are people who are really looking for a new cult to follow and since Tom Cruise isn't around to introduce them to Xenu....they have found salvation at Barnes & Noble. And more importantly, they want to convert you, too.

Feel free to add more. I'll write the Bachelor Round-Up tonight (hopefully...). Welcome to the bloggy blog, hope you enjoy.