Thursday, April 24, 2008

Bachelor Round-Up "I don't always understand all of his jokes because I don't speak British"

All right, so...I know this is very very late and at this point you probably don't even care about the Bachelor but hey, here it is.
Maybe it was just because I watched it on the veeery small screen of my computer last night but the show was rather predictable, don't you think? The only truly interesting tidbit was...apparently matt is proposing this season? Holy cow, what a crap idea. That literally never works out (I'm not counting Trista and Ryan because they are so annoying they cannot actually be real people...just weird robotic wax figures created by ABC). I actually thought Matt was smarter than that but...apparently not.

Okay. So. On this week's show, Matt gets to meet all the parents. First up, he's meeting Shayne's folks in LA. More specifically, Lorenzo Lamas, he of Renegade fame (did anyone watch this?) and most importantly, as the dumb jock in the first Grease movie. He shows up at a restaurant, looking much thinner than I remember. But first Matt pretends as though he can't pronounce the last name Lamas. I think he is trying to be all Hugh Grant charming. It doesn't work.

Anyway, Lorenzo shows up and promptly tells Matt that Shayne finds this enticing because she wants to be an actress and she gets to be on TV. Uh oh. Shayne glares at him and then gives an impassioned speech about how she is here "for this man and no other". Hi, Soap Opera Digest? Seriously cheese-O. Then Daddy Llama pulls Matty away and tells him he shouldn't toy with Shayne's feelings. Matt assures him "their connection is almost too good to be true." Then Daddy Llama and Shayne share a tender moment where he tells her "to follow her heart." She wells up and hugs him. And....cut! Seriously. She is soo making all those soap opera faces, smiling bravely though her tears.

And then they're off to meet the Mama Llama and her sister, Dakota. They show up at the house and they've entered Blonde Land. Filled with leopard-skin well, everything and little white dogs that wear tutus. All I have to say about Mama Llama is...oh dear. What happens when plastic surgery goes dreadfully wrong. Her boobs are up to her chin, her face is pulled back like she's in a tornado and the lips. Oh boy, the lips. Seriously. They could host their own talk show. The lips could frighten small children. That's all I can stare at everytime she talks.

But Mama Llama seems very nice, going out of her way to make roast beef and yorkshire pudding that come to think of it, look too professional. Okay. So Mama Llama probably got it catered but that's okay. She steals Matt away and forces him to watch videos of Shayne in some talent show. Meanwhile, Shayne's sister Dakota shakes her oddly headbanded head and tells her "faith" a bunch of times. California is weird, dude.

At the end of the date, Matt says he didn't want to go. Really? He was cool with the tutu-ed dogs? He then calls Shayne "his little monkey." Hmmm. Terms of endearment. Very interesting.

Next up is a date with Chelsea in Durango, Colorado. Matt is nervous about Chelsea because she plays hot and cold. Now ABC has been making a lot of Chelsea being guarded so I wonder if they are just trying to throw us off the scent. We meet Chelsea's mom and dad and they seem nice and regular-folk. This is where Chelsea makes her bone-headed comment about not speaking British. I will assume for her benefit she was being sarcastic. Her dad tells Chelsea to open up and "nothing ventured, nothing gained." Kind of a blah date except for the fact that they make out when he leaves and he tells her "I'm going to miss you, honey." He also says "what a great couple we could be."

Next up, Noelle. We're still in Colorado only now we're on a ranch. Dad is conservative and tosses horseshoes. Mom looks like a good prairie wife. Noelle's sisters are like a couple of crows, hee-hawing it up and drooling over Matt. Poor Noelle doesn't stand a chance. Dad is not impressed with Matt's equestrian skills; I thought if he was an upper class English man he'd be horsey but apparently not. The sisters corner Matt and ask him if he's in love with more than one person. He says he is. The date ends rather unremarkably and I start considering picking up the book I'm writing (ATonement, it's much better than the movie). But I don't. Things will pick up. And they do.

Okay. Amanda's date in Tallahassee, FLorida. Boy, does that town suck. Not only is it ugly but it houses Florida State University AND the stupid seat of the Florida goverment. Trust me on this one. Amanda has decided to play a practical joke on Matt and hire two actors to be her parents. Huh? So Fake Mom is going to hit on Matt and Fake Dad is going to get irrate. It's kind of funny, particularly when Fake Mom throws a leg over Matt and tries to dry-hump him while rubbing his nipples. Fake Dad does his best Paul Giammatti imitation with his eyes bugging out. Finally, Amanda has mercy on him and tells Matt the truth. Matt says it's funny but it doesn't look like he really thinks it is. Oops.

So. Rose ceremony time. No big surprises here:

Rose #1....Shayne. It just has to be this girl getting a little thicker since the show started?

Rose #2...Amanda.

Rose #3...Chelsea

Noelle's out. Matt walks her out and tells her while they had a connection, he didn't always find it the easiest with her. Noelle ducks her head, taking the blame. She's a little too much the victim here. In the limo ride home, she insinuates she gets dumped a lot. Poor thing. I don't know how this girl is surviving in LA...rumor has it she's trying to be an actress too. I don't see it, but fine.

Next week, Matt is taking the girls to Barbados. It's the overnight dates...which means...put-out or get-out. And then we see more shots of Matt proposing. The one thing I did notice is that girl's arm he is proposing too was definitely not tan but long and pale...leading me to believe it is NOT Shayne, unless she decided to lay off the self-tan (yeah, right). Hmmm. Food for thought, people.

Oh and...the Bunbury sisters are still in first place. Put your picks in early if you think you can beat 'em. I don't think I can but I try anyway.

Next week, I'll be writing to you from sunny (hopefully) Florida since my sister Marci is getting married. Wish for good weather for them!

Until next week,

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