Tuesday, April 29, 2008

"I had more physical contact with a turtle" Bachelor Round-Up

Hi all,

Writing to you from sunny Florida. I have to say, I really did enjoy the boom-chicka-wow-wow dates. Safe to say that Matty the Bachelor was quite the cad...we can safely assume that all the girls became intimate with his little hoodie. But, I"m getting ahead of myself.

Here's how it all started...Matt and the ladies are all going to Barbados. I'm kind of interested in this because that's where our nanny is from and she always talks about. The parts we did see...looked beautiful. However...if the Barbados tourism board sponsored this thing, they should get their money back. Mostly all we saw was the stupid HIlton hotel. I don't care how many candles you put in it, it's still a damn Hilton. Ugh.

So the festivities start with Matt's fantasy date with Shayne. She comes running up to him in the world's worst floppy hate. They go jet-skiing and then we are treated to the requisite underwater swim shots. Like, why? And if that's not enough, we have to see Shayne doing splits on a trampoline. So...what exactly kind of actress is Shayne?? Hmmm...

The best thing about Shayne is...it seems as though she may have writers. I'm sorry...but she does the dumb blonde thing a little too well...a la Jessica Simpson. She asks Matt "do they have palm trees in London?" He says "I think you know the answer to that." The dumb blonde thing only works if you are a little bit stupid. I actually think Shayne knows exactly what she's doing. All the time.

Fav part of the date? Shayne showing how actors kiss. Because of course she's been in TONS of movies and knows these things. Matt accuses of her playing up the whole sex kitten thing. She admits that she loves being blonde and has been since she was twelve. Which sadly I realize...for Shayne has only been ten years! Dude, I am so damn old. I need to stop shopping at Forever 21 bcause I am now closer to 42. There ought to be a law.

So Matt is trying to make sure that Shayne is not actually a dumb blonde and informs her he likes talking politics. She assure him that she is intellectual. Okay, let's not go crazy. She tells him she is falling in love with him and tells her he is falling for her too. Matty takes this opportunity to whip it out....the fantasy card, that is. Shayne acts all coy for like a half a second because did you really think she wasn't going to the fantasy suite with him? Yeah. Me neither.

And so they go to the lame ass Hilton fantasy suite and put rose petals everywhere. How sucky because I know that Barbados has tons of fancy resorts that would be way nicer. Oh well. They do have a private pool where we see them making out. Matt literally appears to be gnawing on Shayne's face. And...fade to black.

By the way, my parents' new puppy Coco is barking away as I write this. Is it wrong to hate a puppy? I thought I was an animal person. But as it turns out....I dislike a puppy so I guess I'm not.

Okay. Next up, date with Amanda. He says he's always been attracted to Amanda but it sure didn't look that way last night. Maybe it was new angles that ABC was using but she has a rather Olive Oyl look....skinny/big teeth/big eyes. We see them ziplining together and Matt hugging her as he would one of his buddies. Uh oh. Amanda says she wants to go to the fantasy suite with him but "she's not sure he'll want to with her." HUh? Come on. She doesn't think he wants the opportunity to sleep with her? Dude, if you get that vibe, why even bother? They have dinner together and then one of the most awkward conversations ever on the Bachelor Show. It goes something like this:

Amanda: I um, y'know, like you in a different way, you know than like you know like ever before I like you know liked anyone. Y'know?

At this point, my husband is counting the number of "likes" and declares Amanda "dorky." You get the feeling Matt feels the same way but he goes to the fantasy suite with her anyway, despite some pretty awkward kissing. Amanda assures him "I just love kissing you." Uh huh. Next!

It's Chelsea time. You get the feeling Matt really wants this to work. He totally has the hots for her. Only...Chelsea...not so much. They have an awkward date where Matt spends more time feeling up a turtle than Chelsea. He says "what's wrong with this woman? This is the worst date ever."

Dinner time. Chelsea gussies herself up. Matt puts his cards on the table and says "I feel like I"m your best friend, not date." She says "she's distubed by the other girls here. I think we could be great together. I hope I get to show you that." This seems to be good enough for Matty. He busts out the fantasy card. The go to the gussied up HIlton which I really hope is a different suite than the other two dates because that would just be yucky.

He tells her "I go out of my way for you because from early on I thought we'd be a great couple." She tells him she's got a surprise for him and slips into a black nightie. Okay. So in case you had any question about how that date ended.

Rose ceremony time. NO surprises her. Shayne gets one rose and Chelsea the other. So Amanda's out and girlfriend is pissed. You know she's like "I slept with this dude and I still get dumped?" She kind of stomps off and that's the end of her. Sorry kiddo...back to Niceville for you.

Next week, Matt takes Chelsea and Shayne to LOndon. Let the cliches begin, starting with the red double decker bus. We'll see if these girls get past his family...my money's on them hating Shayne. We shall see.

In the meantime...I haven't checked the stats of the game but I assume the Bunburys are still in the lead. Next week is the Girls Tell All which I may have to skip since I"ll be on my way back to Sanibel...I'll keep you posted.

That's it all....The Husband and I are actually going out tonight so I've got to run...and that %$%#$#@ dog is still barking! Ugh...

Have a good night....


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