Thursday, May 26, 2011

The baby holder

I'm not that kind of woman.

I don't ask to hold other people's babies. Not my thing. Never has been. Don't get me wrong; I always thought kids were cute and fun. But babies? Not as cute as everyone pretended they were. And definitely not that much fun. Way too needy. Kind of selfish, really.

And then I had my first baby and didn't want to put her down. Especially not around other babies, who all clearly had runny noses, stinky diapers and drool. My baby never had a runny nose (honest...didn't get sick her first year though she has more than made up for it since) and she wasn't a big drooler. And as turned out, she was super fun. Obviously, she just had a better personality than all the other babies out there. Those other babies were dicks when they cried. Mine was just trying to communicate with me.

So you would assume after having a baby, I would totally have no problem holding them. Might even crave it as some women claim to do. Nope. Not at all. Anytime I held another person's baby, I felt like I was cheating on my own. And at the same time I was making inevitable comparisons to my, this baby is really way too fat UNLIKE MINE. This baby is kind of whiny UNLIKE MINE. Man, I'm glad my baby doesn't do THAT.

And now I have a second baby. And I can't put him down. And I hate to share him with other people. And every time someone else picks him up, I am inwardly critiquing the way they are holding him.

So the next time you ask to hold my baby, please don't be offended if I drop you in a vat of Purell first. And more importantly, don't be upset if I don't ask to hold your bambino. Because really, I just can't cheat on Baby Boy like that. And all my oohs and ahhs and coos, well, they will be rather forced.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


What exactly? What is going through his head as he sits in his bouncy seat watching the whale, polar bear and little snow globe thing-y for minutes on end?

Yes, I know there are more pressing things going on in the world right now. But in our little corner of the planet, this is what I wonder about.

Baby Boy loves his bouncy seat. And we love it to since sometimes it allows us to eat a meal while he is amused. Not an entire one but hey, I am not complaining.

I turn on the toy bar and he stares at it like it is the most interesting thing in the world. What is he thinking? He appears deep in thought. Here are a few guesses:

"Why is it snowing inside the house?"

"What is snow?"

"That whale is wearing a very smug expression."

"If I stare at this whale long enough, maybe it will feed me."

"I think that whale kind of looks like a breast."

"If I keep kicking my legs, maybe I can fly."

"Dear whale: I am going to kick your ass one day."

"Do they really think I find this amusing? Are you surprised I only want to spend ten minutes in this thing? When are they going to get me a Kindle already?"