Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"She's like an itsy bitsy Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Theresa."

My new year’s resolution was not to be a complainer. Most things we complain about, we can’t change anyway, we are just randomly bitching, so why bother? Plus no one likes a whiner.

So I’m not whining or anything, but last week really kind of sucked. Our girl got a cold that turned in RSV (a respiratory thing that is pretty serious for little kids) and wound up in the hospital for three days. And our baby boy might show up any day so that’s a bit on the stressful side too. But just for the record, I’m not complaining. Nope. Not a bit. Just stating the facts. If I was the type who really blew sunshine up your ass (my favorite phrase from my friend Suzanne) I would even say it could always be worse.

Anyway, suffice to say with everything going on, I did not watch The Bachelor last week. I know. Priorities, priorities. I did watch it last night, minus a brief interruption to read bedtime stories. In case you are wondering, Rapunzel ends happily and with a pretty spiffy haircut (though alas, a brunette which apparently is a catastrophic ending when you are a four-year-old girl). Here’s my thoughts overall (on the Bachelor, not Rapunzel):

Brad is a stressball. He is so worried about America hating him again that he will do anything to ensure he won’t. Meaning he is being very careful around the girls. And I don’t think you necessarily fall in love being careful.

Brad has no sense of humor. He might even be the type you need to explain a joke. And then he says “wow, that was funny.”

Brad is a sucker for girls below the Mason Dixon Line. If you think this is a sexual reference, then you need to get out more.

So here is about the point I tuned in. Brad was out on a date with the Ashley the Southern nanny. She is like 22 years old and seems younger. Okay, fine. They are going to record “Kiss from a Rose” together. A sure sign that Seal is doing what he can to afford Heidi Klum. I heard they throw themselves a wedding every year, that could get kind of expensive. Anyway, they warn the sound engineer that they are going to sound awful. They do not disappoint. The sound engineer holds his head and says “that’s dreadful.” And it is. It is only when you hear the real Seal singing (which he does) that you realize that he is very incredibly talented and Brad and Ashley are frighteningly bad.

The rest of the date is pretty boring…lots of talk of her dad who passed away. Not that I am not sympathetic but this is boring television. They kiss, she gets a rose, no big surprises.

Back at the mansion, there’s going to be a group date. I can’t remember everyone going on but the simple fact is Michelle is one of them. Michelle is the resident psycho, in case you’re wondering. Apparently the group date is them filming an action movie. Sigh. So stupid. Why do they bother? These sorts of things they film always turn out incredibly lame. Luckily this is when my girl requested I read her Rapunzel and I gratefully accepted the distraction.

By the time I tuned back in, Brad was having a heart-to-heart with Chantel O. Not to be confused with Shawtel the Mortician. How can you tell these two apart? Chantel O. is the one who works for her dad’s used car dealership. She is also SPOILER ALERT! the supposed winner. She is crying about something by the time I get to them and then they make out.

Then everyone is in the swimming pool. During Alli’s alone time with Brad, Michelle sneaks up behind them and waits for Alli to leave. She then attacks Brad. This doesn’t help her get the rose, which goes to Shawntel the Motician.

Next day, next date. This time it is with Emily, the sweet country gal with the tale of woe. She’s the one who lost her fiancĂ© in a place crash and has a daughter. Of course, Brad doesn’t know any of these. He decides to take her to wine country because really, what’s more fun than wine country? Except he decides to get there via prop plane. Doh! Naturally, Emily doesn’t explain any of these to Brad, just sits there like a lump. He asks what she is like and she says “I’m like everybody.” Really? That’s the best you’ve got? I realize you don’t want to be Debbie Downer and tell your sad tale but right now you’ve got about all the personality of chopped liver. Not that you know what that is, being from West Virginia and all.

Brad is getting frustrated, thinking she is just another hot blonde with no personality. Finally, she fesses up and tells her sad tale. For some reason, this makes Brad happy….she isn’t dreary because of him! Or because she has no personality! She is dreary because her life is sucky! Yay! Someone with well-deserved angst!

It’s cocktail party time. A few highlights? Michelle telling Brad that they are in a “fight” and he hasn’t seemed to notice it. Madison the Vampire telling Brad she’s thinking of leaving because she doesn’t deserve him. Uh huh. Really, it’s because your contract only had you appearing on two shows and you need to get back to auditions. Here is how the rose ceremony panned out. Keep in mind that Ashley, Emily and Shantel the Mortician have roses already:

Rose #1: Michelle
Rose #2: Chantel O.

At this point, Madison and her vampire teeth dramatically walks out and leaves. Do we care? No!

Rose #3 Lisa (who?)
Rose #4 Jackie
Rose #5 Ashley H the Dentist
Rose #6 Marissa
Rose #7 Britt
Rose #8 Alli
Rose #9 LInsy
Rose #10 Meghan
Rose #11 Stacy….

Who’s out? Three blondes: Sarah the Debutante, Kimberly and of course, Madison. I think I remember this from last time…Brad is definitely more in the brunette camp. Next week, we see that Brad takes the women to be on Loveline with Dr. Drew. Because that’s always a good idea…to talk about sex with people you haven’t had any with yet.

That’s it folks. Not particularly funny but I do the best with what I’ve got.

Happy snowy, sloshy Tuesday.


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

"Can I ask....are you wearing fangs?"

Soul searching. Intensive therapy. Groveling. That's what last night's Bachelor Show was all about. Does that sound fun to you? Mmmm....not so much. But surprisingly, not a terrible show. Then again, after the last season, the bar is rather low...

So we begin the show with Brad talking about alone he felt after leaving both girls standing at the alter last time. How he is "closed off" and spent three years in intensive therapy. In case you don't believe him, we get to meet his shrink. What?! Really? Is this engaging television? As if reading my mind, the producers begin what I call "the chest montage."

Now. I'm not saying they shouldn't. Brad has a great chest. And since he appears to be...well, vertically challenged, they may as well play up the chest. But it was starting to look like a Skinamax Late Night Feature. C'mon....the shot of him in the pool with the water glistening off him? Really? Is that necessary? And could his tattoo of a cross possibly be any bigger? Is he trying to ward off vampires? Or just Jewish girls? Anyway...

We also spend some time get a little glimpse of the girls that will be vying for his attentions this season. There is Ashley the Dentist who believes dentistry is an "art form and the mouth is my canvas." There is Shawntel the funeral director. There is Michelle the Man Eater from Utah who tells her five-year-old daughter "mommy needs to find a husband." Then there is Madison the Vampire. Now why do I think that any real vampire would not be named Madison? Oh wait...there aren't any real vampires. There are however, girls who have perhaps read a few too many Twilight books and think they will up their chances of hooking up with Robert Pattinson if they get their teeth carved into fangs. Yes, she did, my friends. Girlfriend's got fangs and they appear to be permanent.

There is also the sad story of Emily from Charlotte, a very blond Southern belle who looks a bit like Holly Madison without the implants. She got engaged at 19, her fiance died in a plane crash and she finds out the day after that she is pregnant with their daughter. This tale is just too sorrowful for ABC's supposed "happy ending" if you ask me but I wish the poor thing well.

Okay. In the meantime, Chris and Brad have a sit down about what he's been doing for the past three years. Brad spends a lot of time blaming his father for the way he is. Now. I do think it sounds like Brad had kind of d-bag of a father. However, I think at a certain point...like say in your mid-thirties perhaps....you need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. Not to quote Dr. Phil but "you've gotta rise above your raising." Okay, I just quoted Dr. Phil. So sue me. I promise, I really don't watch it on a regular basis. I get most of my real wisdom from Patti Stranger.

Now for some reason, ABC thought it would be a good idea to bring back Deanna and Jenny and have them "confront" Brad about leaving them at the altar. Why? They are both engaged to other people. And this is actually Deanna's second engagement...clearly, they have moved on. Brad is very humble and sweaty and says things like "you guys made me a better person." Jenny says "I'm hopeful for you." Deanna says "I'm skeptical it will work out for you." At least she is consistent.

Okay. It's limo time. Time to meet the ladies. These are just my initial first impressions so you can try to keep track of them all:

1. Chantal. This is the used car salesperson from Seattle. Dark hair, green dress, basically cute. Gets out of the limo and says "I have something for you from every woman in America, Brad." She then proceeds to slap him in the face. Brad looks honestly surprised so if this was a set-up, it was at least well-acted. It kinda made me like her. I think it scared the hell out of Brad.

2. Kimberly. A pretty blonde in sparkly purple. Kind of does weird stuff with her mouth.

3. Alli. A very tall brunette in green with huge boobs. And as she points out later, a big tush. The Kardashian of the group.

4. Ashley. Well, butter my biscuit...a real Southern belle living in NYC, working as a nanny. Very skinny and the camera adds ten pounds. She grabs Brad's butt. Or as we like to call it in our house "heiny." Or booty. Or tush. Or bum. We talk about that area of the body more than I would like, actually.

5. Meghan. A Girl in weird pink shoes. I'm all for weird pink shoes but these weren't even cute. Don't remember anything else about her.

6. Marissa. A cute brunette in a light pink prom dress. Asks Brad if he is okay being with someone whose whole life revolves around sports? Duh.

7. Lindsy. A redhead from Dallas wearing a red dress. I thought most redheads didn't wear red because it washed them out? Redheads, care to comment?

8. Ashley the Dentist. Not to be confused with Southern Ashley. She is wearing a few too many sparkles for my taste.

9. Rachail. The Manscaper. This is what she calls herself. Trying to make waxing body hair sound more interesting than it is. She has the first really truly bad spray tan of the night. I think it makes her look kinda old.

10. Madison the Vampire. She purrs "you look delicious." She is a pretty blonde wearing red (GET IT??) so Brad seems not to notice her extended eye teeth. This is officially my pick for the ABC plant. No way this girl is for real.

11. Melissa. A blondey blonde who does a running leap into Brad's arms. Luckily, she is about the size of a ten-year-old boy so it isn't hard for him to catch her.

12. Renee. Another nanny, this time in a blue prom dress. Kind of annoying voice.

13. Christy. Bad posture girl. Needs a bra with better lift, if you know what I mean.

14. Jackie. An artist from New York. Kinda looks like Rachel on Glee. I think she is too New York-y (meaning she is either Jewish, Italian or Hispanic) for him.

15. Sarah P. Another blonde but this time in more of a debutante kind of way. A bit matronly. Makes him get on one knee and pretend to propose.

16. Lacy. Wearing lavender. That's all I got.

17. Lisa P. Another New York girl. Blonde in a black bubble skirt.

18. Shawntel the Funeral Director. A brunette wearing yellow.

19. A hand beckons from the limo. It is Britnee! No, not that Britnee. But Britnee with the Bump-It. If you don't know what a bump-it is, you are truly missing out. It is some sort of cone that you stick in your hair to give you "lift." If you are north of the Mason-Dixon line, you have no need for one of these things. Poor Britnee. The only thing worse than being named that is having it spelled with two ee's.

20. Stacy. A bartender from Boston. Has that scratchy, I've-spent-too-many-nights-in-a-bar-kinda-voice. Since Brad owns a couple of bars, I imagine they will get along just fine.

21. Jill. Shiny black hair wearing black. Kinda looks like a tall Morticia Adams. Tells Brad immediately she is looking to get married. Always a bad sign, if you ask me.

22. Lisa from Kansas. Comes out the limo wearing red ruby slippers. No, I'm not joking.

23. Rebecca from CA. Kisses Brad immediately. Good thing since we never see her again.

24. J. That's her whole name. Wow, maybe I don't need to think of a name for my unborn child, just an initial. It's very minimalist, that's for sure. She is so minimalist, she kind of just disappears and we never notice her again.

25. And lastly, we have Keltie. Who extends her leg up the length of the limo. Oh dear. But wait! She's a Rockette! Maybe she can Brad a discount at Radio City to see the phenomenally bad Christmas Show. Sorry, but it really sucks.

26. Next we have someone who think might be named Sarah L or Sam L, my notes are too messy. Anyway, it doesn't matter since we hardly ever see her again.

27. Emily. The sweet Southern belle with the sad sad tale. Brad is entranced by her thick as molasses accent.

28. Britt. A chef and food writer who looks like a mermaid. Seriously, totally Darryl Hannah from Splash.

29. Michelle the Maneater. Wearing a jungley-print dress, perfect for hunting husbands.

30. Oops. I've got one out of order here. Lauren in gold. Hair in some intricate twist. I forgot her because well...she seems kinda forgettable. Brad forgot about her too.

Next begins the cocktail party. Otherwise known as "Brad pleads his case." He has the same conversation with every girl there about how he has changed, soul-searched, blah, blah blah. Highlights included the Manscaper waxing Brad's wrist and talking about how she has waxed men's "under carriage". Jackie singing a made-up song in a kind of wanna-be Broadway voice. Alli asking Brad if he could handle her big booty. And Renee and Alli trying to steal Brad away from each other time and time again.

Emily tells Brad she is a "coal miner's daughter" and I am waiting for her to bust into some Loretta Lynn. No deal, though. The fun part is Brad asking Madison the Vampire if she is wearing fangs. She assures Brad she is here for "the right reasons." Bachelor blood, of course.

The first impression rose goes to Southern Ashley, who told him that no matter what, she was there to be his friend. Kind of lame in my opinion but the man is a sucker for a Southern drawl. Here is how the Rose Ceremony played out:

1. Michelle the Maneater.

2. Kimberly the blonde from NC

3. Madison the Vampire who pretends to bite him.

4. Emily the Sweet Southern belle.

5. Raichel the Manscaper

6. Keltie the rockette

7. Ashley the Dentist

8. Meghan the Morticia Look Alike

9. Lisa M the girl from Kansas with red slippers

10. Lindsy the Redhead from Texas

11. Alli....the Kardashian

12. Sarah P the Debutante

13. Marissa the Girl in the Prom Dress

14. Britt the Mermaid

15. Stacy the Barmaid

16. Shawntel the Mortician

17. Jackie the Glee Girl

18. Melissa the Skinny

19. Chantal the Slapper

Who's out? Do you really care? We hardly know these people at this point. Britnee the Bumpit is gone. So is Lisa P from NYC. We see scenes from this season and it appears they have decided Michelle will be the crazy one in the house. She also somehow gets a black eye.

That's all I got folks! We're off to an interesting start...I think. Thoughts? Anyone? Anyone?

Happy Tuesday,

Monday, January 3, 2011


Yes. That's me. Because I will attempt to watch The Bachelor tonight.

Do I have better things to do with my time? Well, yeah. Like sleep. Prepare for the baby that is set to show up in this house in about six weeks. Clean. Do work. Etc, etc.

But instead I will watch Brad the Bachelor, the finicky, kind-of-short, somewhat hickish Bachelor do his thing. And then write about it.

It's a sickness, I tell you.

Who's with me?