Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"She's like an itsy bitsy Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Theresa."

My new year’s resolution was not to be a complainer. Most things we complain about, we can’t change anyway, we are just randomly bitching, so why bother? Plus no one likes a whiner.

So I’m not whining or anything, but last week really kind of sucked. Our girl got a cold that turned in RSV (a respiratory thing that is pretty serious for little kids) and wound up in the hospital for three days. And our baby boy might show up any day so that’s a bit on the stressful side too. But just for the record, I’m not complaining. Nope. Not a bit. Just stating the facts. If I was the type who really blew sunshine up your ass (my favorite phrase from my friend Suzanne) I would even say it could always be worse.

Anyway, suffice to say with everything going on, I did not watch The Bachelor last week. I know. Priorities, priorities. I did watch it last night, minus a brief interruption to read bedtime stories. In case you are wondering, Rapunzel ends happily and with a pretty spiffy haircut (though alas, a brunette which apparently is a catastrophic ending when you are a four-year-old girl). Here’s my thoughts overall (on the Bachelor, not Rapunzel):

Brad is a stressball. He is so worried about America hating him again that he will do anything to ensure he won’t. Meaning he is being very careful around the girls. And I don’t think you necessarily fall in love being careful.

Brad has no sense of humor. He might even be the type you need to explain a joke. And then he says “wow, that was funny.”

Brad is a sucker for girls below the Mason Dixon Line. If you think this is a sexual reference, then you need to get out more.

So here is about the point I tuned in. Brad was out on a date with the Ashley the Southern nanny. She is like 22 years old and seems younger. Okay, fine. They are going to record “Kiss from a Rose” together. A sure sign that Seal is doing what he can to afford Heidi Klum. I heard they throw themselves a wedding every year, that could get kind of expensive. Anyway, they warn the sound engineer that they are going to sound awful. They do not disappoint. The sound engineer holds his head and says “that’s dreadful.” And it is. It is only when you hear the real Seal singing (which he does) that you realize that he is very incredibly talented and Brad and Ashley are frighteningly bad.

The rest of the date is pretty boring…lots of talk of her dad who passed away. Not that I am not sympathetic but this is boring television. They kiss, she gets a rose, no big surprises.

Back at the mansion, there’s going to be a group date. I can’t remember everyone going on but the simple fact is Michelle is one of them. Michelle is the resident psycho, in case you’re wondering. Apparently the group date is them filming an action movie. Sigh. So stupid. Why do they bother? These sorts of things they film always turn out incredibly lame. Luckily this is when my girl requested I read her Rapunzel and I gratefully accepted the distraction.

By the time I tuned back in, Brad was having a heart-to-heart with Chantel O. Not to be confused with Shawtel the Mortician. How can you tell these two apart? Chantel O. is the one who works for her dad’s used car dealership. She is also SPOILER ALERT! the supposed winner. She is crying about something by the time I get to them and then they make out.

Then everyone is in the swimming pool. During Alli’s alone time with Brad, Michelle sneaks up behind them and waits for Alli to leave. She then attacks Brad. This doesn’t help her get the rose, which goes to Shawntel the Motician.

Next day, next date. This time it is with Emily, the sweet country gal with the tale of woe. She’s the one who lost her fiancé in a place crash and has a daughter. Of course, Brad doesn’t know any of these. He decides to take her to wine country because really, what’s more fun than wine country? Except he decides to get there via prop plane. Doh! Naturally, Emily doesn’t explain any of these to Brad, just sits there like a lump. He asks what she is like and she says “I’m like everybody.” Really? That’s the best you’ve got? I realize you don’t want to be Debbie Downer and tell your sad tale but right now you’ve got about all the personality of chopped liver. Not that you know what that is, being from West Virginia and all.

Brad is getting frustrated, thinking she is just another hot blonde with no personality. Finally, she fesses up and tells her sad tale. For some reason, this makes Brad happy….she isn’t dreary because of him! Or because she has no personality! She is dreary because her life is sucky! Yay! Someone with well-deserved angst!

It’s cocktail party time. A few highlights? Michelle telling Brad that they are in a “fight” and he hasn’t seemed to notice it. Madison the Vampire telling Brad she’s thinking of leaving because she doesn’t deserve him. Uh huh. Really, it’s because your contract only had you appearing on two shows and you need to get back to auditions. Here is how the rose ceremony panned out. Keep in mind that Ashley, Emily and Shantel the Mortician have roses already:

Rose #1: Michelle
Rose #2: Chantel O.

At this point, Madison and her vampire teeth dramatically walks out and leaves. Do we care? No!

Rose #3 Lisa (who?)
Rose #4 Jackie
Rose #5 Ashley H the Dentist
Rose #6 Marissa
Rose #7 Britt
Rose #8 Alli
Rose #9 LInsy
Rose #10 Meghan
Rose #11 Stacy….

Who’s out? Three blondes: Sarah the Debutante, Kimberly and of course, Madison. I think I remember this from last time…Brad is definitely more in the brunette camp. Next week, we see that Brad takes the women to be on Loveline with Dr. Drew. Because that’s always a good idea…to talk about sex with people you haven’t had any with yet.

That’s it folks. Not particularly funny but I do the best with what I’ve got.

Happy snowy, sloshy Tuesday.


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