Tuesday, February 2, 2010

"You can eat my salmon..." Bachelor Round UP

So it's official. My girl hates The Bachelor. It is the only reason I can explain her behavior on Monday nights.

A: I hear horn honks, I can't sleep.

ME: You live in Brooklyn. Sorry. You have to learn to live with it.

A: It's hot.

ME: Take off your blanket.

A: I want to watch your show.

ME: It's for grown-ups.

A: No. There are princesses on your show.

ME: Those are NOT princesses. I repeat. NOT PRINCESSES.

A: But they all have yellow hair.

Yes, they do. Disturbingly yellow. Anyway...this is why I did not get to watch the beginning of the show last night. I saw bits and pieces between trying to convince Girlfriend to go to sleep. I know Jake went on a date with Tenley, who is the closest one to a princess, I suppose. I know they were up in some high tower in San Francisco. I know she used that little baby voice that reminds me of Trista and Cinderella. And I know that Jake says "Tenley is the one I picture most as my wife."

Aha! And there you go, folks. The reason that Tenley won't be the last one standing. ABC doesn't want to make it this easy for you. Still, I will say this is the only girl there I can see him having any real shot with. So of course, she will be left in the dust.

Jake asks Tenley what mistakes she made in her marriage. She says she took things for granted. She asks what he wants in a marriage. He says something about having her back. Tenley is also concerned about pilots not being faithful. Jake tells her "the woman I marry will be the last woman I look at."

Jake says," our kisses are magical, we line up on so many things." Hurry, someone cue "On the Wings of Love!" The Muzak version. Thanks, ABC!

Next day, a double date with Gia and Vienna. They are going to a "castle" in Napa Valley. I say it with quotation marks because it looks rather Epcot-y in my opinion. Vienna says something like "I'm my dad's prince and now I'm Jake's queen." Gia is worried that she will be the third wheel in this scenario. And she is. Jake and Vienna taste wine. Gia looks on. Vienna says "I'm going to pretend she's here."

Which seems like a fine plan until Jake steals Gia away for some snogging. Gia admits "I'm probably the most insecure girl here." Really? You're a swimsuit model, for crying out loud! If you can't be confident, who the hell can? Jake tells her he's really into her and she is kind, generous and drop dead gorgeous. This seems to brighten her spirits as they start making out.

Meanwhile, Vienna decides to go looking for them, carrying around a lantern from that appears to be from the 1800's but was probably purchased at Anthropologie. ABC films it like it's Blair Witch Project. Vienna is like, oh, I'm scared. Dude. How scared can you be with the director, assistant director, DP, key grip, best boy and craft services table three feet away?

Vienna isn't happy that she didn't get much alone time with her "boyfriend" so she decides to sneak into his room at bedtime, two glasses of wine in hand. Jake says "I had dirty thoughts but it was gonna be G-rated all the way." Jake promptly kicks her out of bed. Go Jakey.

Next day, it's a date with Corrie. They are going to take a walk in the park. They go on a rowboat. The geese are more exciting than these two. She sits there awkwardly and waits for Jake to kiss her. The geese wait. Nothing happens.

Then that night they go to a natural history museum and look at frogs and stuff. Still, not much. At dinner they discuss the fact that Corrie won't live with someone before marriage. In fact, we find out there are a lot of things Corrie won't do before marriage. The fact that Corrie is the big V actually turns on Jakey Jake a little. So he plants one on her. Unfortunately, it seems the frogs have more sexual chemistry.

Next up, it's a date with Ali. "I can't wait to show him my town, my world, where I hang out, my restaurants!" On this date, Ali says "me" or "my" about 20 times. And while Jake seems to like her straddling and kissing him in the park, he doesn't seem nearly as into her as he used to be. Time's up, Yellow Dress girl!

Cocktail party time! Tenley and Jakey dance and he looks like he's going to cry with happiness. The bluebirds oooh and ahhh.

Meanwhile Ali and Corrie discuss Ali's date.

Corrie: Did it go really good?

Ugh. Did you really just say that? And by the way...no one on this show uses adverbs. Jake doesn't feel strongly about any of the women...he feels strong. Jake said this not once, but twice. SeriousLY, I love adverbs and I love LY and if he offered me a rose, I'd have to turn him down. But niceLY.

Anyway, Corrie is the one who gets the boot and she says "I don't date four men very good." Come on Corrie, speak English! Or go back to Florida, no one will notice down there. (I'm from there so I can mock it.)

Anyway, next week...Jake goes to the ladies' hometowns. And apparently Jake gets some big shock and there is no rose ceremony. I'm betting Ali is going down.

And happiLY, that's it.

Happy Tuesday,

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