Tuesday, February 16, 2010

And the rest of it...

Okay. Next day, next overnight date. Jakie is really going to have to work hard for this one. Number one, because Tenley is DIVORCED. Oh soooo shocking. But Disney princesses don't do that. Nor do they stay overnight with men who are not their husbands and most importantly, not princes.

Still, he tries. He takes her for a picnic in the rain forest. If you've ever been to one, then you know that's probably not the best place to do it. Too many critters. But fine. Then they walk on a black sand beach. Tenley tells Jake "she has not been with another man since her ex-husband." The bunnies and the bluebirds nod vehemently. Jake sighs, does his best Tom Cruise jaw flex and hopes for the best.

They have dinner by the pool. I feel itchy just looking at them because that is totally when all the bugs come out. Then they take off their shoes and dance. She tells Jake "I'm glad I've gotten this opportunity with you despite my past." What past?? Just because she is divorced she thinks she is this tainted woman. Maybe that's why she isn't working at Disney World anymore...they've banished her. Then she says "I'll let you lead....you can lead me through life...that's what I want." Thanks, Tenley. The woman's movement really thanks you for that, too.

And then Jake takes that moment to hand her the fantasy suite card. He says "I'm really excited about it." Uh yes...I'll bet you are. Tenley says in her best Sleeping Beauty voice "I want to spend every second I can with you." Jake says "I can't wait....(dramatic pause)....to watch our first sunrise together."

Uh huh. Yes. I'm sure that's what you can't wait for, Jake. And here's what happens when they enter the fantasy suite:

TENLEY: Oh my goodness! Look at the rose petals!

JAKE: I love your morals and values.

TENLEY: Thanks for appreciating them, they mean a lot to me.

And then you remember you are not watching the BBC's latest Jane Austen adaptation but The Bachelor. You know the producers are rolling their eyes, trying to ply them with more alcohol.

JAKE: Tenley would make an amazing wife.

And again, this is why he will not choose her.

Next day, next date. Vienna! I say that with an exclamation point because everything about her seems to be that way. She doesn't have blond hair. She has BLOND HAIR! She doesn't have boobs, she has BOOBS! You get the picture. Jake says "I feel like a kid when I'm with her." Vienna's reaction? She licks him. Jake dresses like a pilot. Oops, I mean pirate. We notice Vienna has a tattoo the size of a human head on her stomach. It's not a tramp stamp. It's just...ugly.

But I am not here to rag on Vienna. Why? I sorta feel bad for her. Yes, she is tacky. But the girl has been torn to shreds in the tabloids. They're talking about her mother being a stripper. That's not her fault. Sometimes you're born a Rockefeller. Sometimes you're born the daughter of a stripper. Doesn't mean you should be judged for what your parents have done.

Okay. Off my high horse. Jake says "rolling around in the sand with Vienna was smoking hot. Now I need to make sure there is some substance to the relationship."

Good thinking, Jakie. See how she feels about the economy. Or global warming. Go ahead, I dare you. So he says:

JAKE: What kind of engagement rings do you like?



Girlfriend's eyes nearly popped out of her head. She says she wants a thin band with some bling around it and a princess cut.

VIENNA: Could you see me as your wife?

JAKE: Yes. But I've fallen for two other women also.


She sighs. And then tries to remember what she learned in high school drama class. Cue the tears.

VIENNA: I cannot picture my life without you. I've fallen in love with you.

JAKE: You have? I love your brutal honesty.

And with that, he hands her "the card." You know what I'm talking about.

VIENNA: We need some alone time.

Oh. Is that what they are calling it these days?

Jake says "I love everything about her." They enter the fantasy suite.

JAKE: This is neat.

C'mon, Jakie....really?

VIENNA: I'll be right back.

And she shows up in a very bridal-y negligee. And she shuts the door. We hear shrieks of pain from Jakey.

Next morning. Jake is in his own room recovering from Vienna. And...the phone rings. Yup. It's Ali. She has changed her mind. They commence to have a boring conversation about what a mistake she made. They go back and forth and he tells her not to come. Ali says "I'll forever regret my decision." Yes. Until ABC offers to make you The Bachelorette.

Jake then ponders who to send home. He mentions again he used to be called Mr. Dateless. Which I don't believe because there is nothing really funny or interesting about that name...and since there is nothing particularly funny or interesting about him, he made it up himself. Long story short, he dumps Gia, who leaves in a pool of sweat, tears and body glitter. Not worried about her though since Page Six is still talking about her. She'll be fine.

Next week, it's the Women Tell All. They are dragging back Rosalind to talk about her slutting around. Says a lot about her that she agreed to come on. Good times!

That's it guys! Now onto men's ice skating!! Yay.

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