Tuesday, January 19, 2010

"I'm on Cloud Jake..."

So I can't even pretend that I watched the whole show this week. I couldn't. Our girl wasn't feeling so hot. She had a little episode this weekend that forced her to be on a nebulizer. No, that is not something from Star Trek but this weird contraption that gives them oxygen plus medicine and helps them breathe. It is worse than it sounds.

Anyway, I will fully admit that I let my daughter watch the first few minutes of The Bachelor as we nebulized on the couch. My husband was shouting from the kitchen "is this really a good idea?" Meanwhile, she cracked up laughing as Jake kissed someone. I couldn't tell you who except that she had dyed blonde hair. But that would be the whole cast, really.

A said "this is for grown-ups."

I said, "Well. Sort of."

And then the nebulizing was done and that was the end of A's exposure to The Bachelor. If she decides to dye her hair the color of a highlighter pen or start spray-tanning, I only have myself to blame.

I basically missed the first half hour of the show as we got her to bed. Yes, I could watch it on ABC.com but honestly, I don't have the time and the gist of it is this: Jake went on a one-on-one date with Vienna. She was very excited about it. They bungee-jumped together despite Jake's fear of heights. A pilot afraid of heights? Ok. Doesn't make sense to me, but fine. When I walked back in the room, Jake was talking about how nurturing Vienna was. Next shot...the requisite hot tub scene. More kissing. Vienna is wearing a ruffly bikini and I can't help but wondering how the blond extensions are going to do in the water. Seems okay. Lots of kisses. Lots of shots of Vienna's crossed eyes rolling back in her head as she tells us how she is falling in deep love with Jakey. He gives her a rose. Her extensions give him a high five. She says "the best day of my life will be when I marry him."

Back at the house, we discover there will be a group date happening. They are going to Jon Lovitz's comedy club. Of course, most of these girls are too young to even remember who he is, but whatever. The women will all get the opportunity to write and perform their own comedy on stage. First up, Ali. Her big joke? "Why was Tigger licking the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. "Ha ha! Laugh riot. Next up, Tenley. Girlfriend knows she is not funny so instead she contorts her body so that her legs are behind her head, much to the delight of every male in the audience. Miss-I-Don't-Kiss Elizabeth goes up on stage and starts talking about some guy in Utah with a big schlong. Kathryn seizes the opportunity to drag Jake up on stage and kiss him.

Michelle AKA Bunny Boiler...who looks to be planning a Columbine style attack on the club....begins to critique the kiss. She says "when I have my kiss with Jake, it's going to be tongue in your mouth, pulling hair, ripping clothes off." Not that I think there's anything wrong with living in a fantasy world but..sometimes, real life has to enter into it.

And then Michelle gets on stage. You know the term "uncomfortable silence?" Seems to have been created for her.

MICHELLE: So I notice there are no coconuts on these palm trees. I wonder where they are?

She then pokes herself in the chest with a microphone.


MICHELLSE: I'm waiting for a hole to get some one-on-one.


ALI: Something's a little bit off about Michelle.

Y'think? Even Jon Lovitz looked uncomfortable.

And then it's Ashleigh's turn. She's been freaking out that she has to do this, sucking down the drinks. She tells a few blonde jokes and then scampers off. And then it is Corrie's turn. She does some fantastic impersonations of the ladies in the house. But the best one she does is of Vienna.

CORRIE: I long my long blonde fake hair. I love walking around topless. I love to talk crap about every other girl in the house.

All the girls are laughing hysterically. Who isn't? Jake. He looked concerned. Could he have misjudged her? Uh. Yeah.

It's evening time. Time for cocktails! Tenley the Disney Princess pulls Jake aside and tells him about her past. She tells him her husband had an affair and left her for another woman. The bluebirds put a Kleenex in front of her face and say, "blow."
Jake gives her a hug and they kiss. Someday my prince will come....someday....we'll meet again....

Then all the other girls decide to spend their alone time with Jake talking about Vienna. Really, ladies...accentuate the positive. Guys hate hearing this kind of crap. In the meantime, Michelle is plotting her next move. Elizabeth says "Michelle needs a therapist, not a husband." True. Nevertheless, Michelle get her alone time with Jake.

MICHELLE: I really really really really want a husband.

JAKE: I believe you.

MICHELLE: I think we should kiss.


MICHELLE: Let's kiss.


Michelle plants one on him. Jake keeps his mouth tightly shut and looks like he is in pain.

MICHELLE: You've gotta give me something more than that.

JAKE: I just want this night to be over.


MICHELLE: You know, I can't stay. I want to but not being able to really kiss you hurts. If you want me to stay, I'll stay.

JAKE: I think it would be better if you left now.

Dun dun dun! Sorry to break off at such a crucial moment. But it's getting late and I've got a somewhat sick one at home. More to come later....

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