Yeehaw! Thanks for that Ella! I haven't mocked her accent once yet so it was time.
So this week all the Bachelor ladies were forced to leave the comfort of their mansion and hop into an RV and (gulp) go camping. Now, these RV's look pretty plush so I'm sure they can still plug in their spray-tanning machines but still. No one signs up for this thing to go camping. Ella is excited because apparently she has spent her life in an RV park. I spent two nights in one once (accidentally...we thought it was campground) and the power got blown out because so many people were watching a NASCAR event. No joke.
Anyway, Ali and Vienna are in separate RV's which is a good thing otherwise it would be hard to talk about each other. Ali drops about ten f-bombs and talks about how horribly fake Vienna is as she play with her overly-processed blonder than blonde hair. Anyone noticed how many blondes there are on this show with brown eyes? Ever notice you don't see many of those in real life? Because very few exist. Unless you're in Argentina where it is apparently the norm.
Anyhow, they are going to camp in a vineyard. Sounds like an odd place to camp but fine. Jake has busted out the flannel, in case you doubted he was the outdoorsy type.
His first one-on-one date will be with Gia, the New York swimsuit model/hairdresser. Jake says this will be a test of sorts because Gia is "a big city girl FROM MANHATTAN." Oh no....Sodom itself....home of the sinners...Manhattan!! Jake is surprised to discover that Gia isn't scary at all and actually quite child-like, playing hide and go seek in the vineyards. I'm sure there are snakes in vineyards so I totally wouldn't do that. Hell, I don't even like the wildlife in Brooklyn, I certainly wouldn't seek it out where it might live.
Gia tries to convince Jake what a geek she was and how she got her books and shoes stolen from her in school. And then one day, poof! She became into a swimsuit model. Jake looks dubious of this story. He tells her he didn't kiss a girl until he was 16. This I believe. Gia says her first kiss came from spin-the-bottle. And hey! Lookie here! They have a bottle! They play! They kiss! Everyone is happy.
Later in the evening, Jake continues to test Gia's outdoorsy-ness by making her eat hot dogs and marshmallows over an open flame. She doesn't mind, telling him she wants to have two kids and then adopt a baby girl from China. And a pot-bellied pig. Who she will tote around in her very large Birken bag.
Next up is a group date with Ashleigh, Corrie, Tenley, Vienna, Ali and Jessie. They are going dune bugging on the beach. Ali calls dibs on Jake. I didn't know you could do that. What a great idea! You just see a guy on the street and call "dibs!" and he's yours. Ali is getting a little too Mean Girls for her own good. She and her yellow dresses need to go away. When someone asks her what she would do if Vienna got the final rose she says "I'd throw up in my mouth." Little Miss Katherine Heigl wannabe is starting to seem as revolting as well, Katherine Heigl.
And then they go sand surfing. Somehow, I never knew this sport existed. Basically, you get on a surfboard and everyone wipes out and gets mouthfuls of sand. How is this fun? Jake gets to roll around with Tenley. He says "I"m naturally drawn to Tenley." Still, he finds time to roll down the hill with Corrie. Yes, I forgot she was still around too.
Next stop...Falling Inn Love! Don't you just love all the little puns the writers from the show give us? There's a group date at a super fabulous inn where "real live celebrities go" according to Tenley. By the looks of things, not so much. Every room has a theme. The most common theme appears to be tacky. It's gross. Lots of ugly stone fireplaces, aqua furniture, ick. Calling it "eclectic" would be extremely generous. All the ladies get to dress up and have private time in each of the rooms, which are surprisingly celebrity-free at the moment.
And it's short skirt night? Seriously, could the dresses have been shorter? The most pathetic of all is Asleigh. She tells the camera "certain girls are more affectionate than others." And then we see her draping herself across Jakey, giving him the love eyes:
SHE STROKES HIS HIP. SHE STARES AT HIM AND TRIES TO GLAMOUR HIM LIKE A VAMPIRE MIGHT.
THEIR EYES MEET. JAKE GIVES HER A WAN SMILE. HER HAND MOVES HIGHER. SHE UNZIPS HIS JACKET.
JAKE: uh...you look...pretty.
SHE LEANS IN. JAKE GIVES HER A PASSIONATE KISS ON THE CHIN.
JAKE: I know she's pretty but I don't feel any chemistry there.
Boy, is Asleigh going to feel stupid after watching this one.
Jake comes out and asks Vienna for alone time. She tosses her extensions and says "I want to be last." Ali and the Mean Girls snicker on cue. Ali goes for alone time with Jake and tries to talk about all the other girls. Jake looks at her with that dazed expression men wear when they aren't listening to you at all. He's like, shut up and kiss me. Well, he didn't say that. But he may as well have.
Next up, alone time with Tenley. Jake wants to make sure she is over her ex-husband. She says she is. They make out as he is curled up in her lap. She demands in her Sleeping Beauty voice "sit up, I want a good one." The bluebirds look on, bat their eyelashes and sigh wistfully.
Vienna gets her alone time with Jakey. He tells her about the other girls "I think you egg it on and bring it on yourself. Sometimes it's better not to say anything at all." Vienna looks confused by this and I ponder how much bigger she really is than Jake and can she possibly crush him? Hmmm.
Jake then goes out and gives the group date rose to Tenley. All the bluebirds high-five. Meanwhile, Ashleigh grumbles about Tenley being too bubbly. Apparently, that's working better than drunk and desperate.
Next up, a two-on-one date with Jake, Ella and Kathryn. I'll spare the minutia of it but basically, Jake ignores Kathryn. Ella interviews him as potential father for Ethan. He dumps then both. Then dramatically, throws the rose in the fire. So. Damn. Cheesey.
And just when you thought is couldn't get any cheesier, it's rose ceremony time. Who's safe? Gia and Tenley. Up for grabs, four more roses.
Rose #1 Ali
Rose #2 Corrie
Which leaves two more roses and three girls. Only....Jakey starts to cry. For reals.
He runs out to find Chris Harrison, asking him for relationship advice. Because really, who better to go to with this sort of thing than a television host with hair plugs?
JAKE: Do I have to give out both roses?
TRANSLATION: I can barely stand to be in the same room with most of these people.
CHIRS: Do you know for a fact that two of them won't be your wife?
JAKE NODS SO VEHEMENTLY, HE NEARLY PULLS OUT HIS NECK.
CHRIS: So you want us to take away a rose?
So they do. Vienna gets the last rose. Which means Asleigh and Jessie are out. Jake tells Jessie "you have a beautiful heart." Meanwhile, Ashleigh looks at Jake like she was wronged and then gets outside and shouts at the camera "are you f*cking kidding me?" Hmmm...wonder why he didn't choose you? Hmmmmm...
Meanwhile...Little Miss Mean Girl Ali is practically spitting venom that Vienna is still around. Tenley the Disney Princess gets out her fan to try to calm her down, assuring her they will go hunt for berries in the morning. But Ali is inconsolable, tearing at her (yet again) yellow dress. Next week, they are headed to San Francisco, which is Ali's hometown. I predict she will stay there.
Enjoy the rest of the week,