Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Bachelor Round-Up "You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime..."

"Just smile for me and let the day begin
You are the sunshine that lights my heat within
I'm sure that you're an angel in disguise
Come take my hand and together we will rise

On the wings of love
Up and above the clouds
The only way to fly
Is on the wings of love
On the wings of love
Only the two of us
Together flying high
Flying high
Upon the wings of love..."

Seriously. Doesn't it make you throw up in your mouth a little?

And yet. The producers at ABC thought this was a good theme song for our new Bachelor, Jake.

Anyone else get the feeling they were trying to rip off "Top Gun" in the beginning of The Bachelor last night? Just Jakie Jake, a real man's man if I ever saw one, wearing his Aviator glasses taking off down the highway on his motorcycle. At one point, he pauses. And...cue the sunset! Cue the birds! Cue Jake's sculptured jawline! Jake is just like Maverick! At this point in the game, is Tom Cruise really the man you want to emulate??

Let me start by saying this...I like Jake. I do. He is a little too earnest, sincere and squeaky clean for his own good. But. There is something about these qualities that are also incredibly endearing. Of course, he has such high moral standards that I'm not sure any woman is ever going to measure up. And I'm pretty certain he might iron his underwear. That being said, I'm sure he looks really nice doing it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

What did we learn last night? Well, for starters...there will be a lot of tears this season. Or almost tears. You know the kind. Like when your eyes well up but don't actually overflow. Picture Emilio Estevez in "The Breakfast Club" when he's talking about his dad. You know what I mean. Last night, as Jake talked about meeting his future wife, he did that almost-tears thing and said "I'm going to walk out of here with a fiance." I checked the clock. It was only 8:05. Five minutes into the show and we already had tears. It was going to be a long night.

Or as about 8 or 9 bachelorettes said last night "It's going to be a bumpy ride." Seriously, ABC, how many more of these pilot puns are we going to have endure this season?

So we briefly meet some of the bachelorettes as they prepare to come on the show. A few highlights...Ali, a pretty blonde who's last boyfriend used to sneak out of her room while she was sleeping to have relations with her roommate. Alexa "I love straddling my Harley." Tenley "I played Arielle, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella in Disney World, teee-hee...and I just know my prince is waiting for me." Christina is "a guy's girl and I'm a little bitchy." Vienna the Paris Hilton-Wanna-Be who totes her little dog Chloe around everywhere who has a "daddy who bought me like five cars because I keep crashing them." Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska who looks like Courtney Cox with fake boobs. Gia is a "fitness model"...which I think means you have an excellent body but face, not so much. Emily is also a fit model. Is this a popular occupation? How does one become one? There's Tiana, who I thought was Disney's newest princess (she is in my house) but on the Bachelor, it means you are a tall blonde Canadian who considers herself old at age 31.

All right. Next Maverick, er, Jake pulls up at the Bachelor Mansion on his motorcycle. The driveway is wet as usual. Why is it always wet? This is Southern California, for G-d's sake. Chris the Dork Harrison and Jake have a little sit-down together. Jake's eyes well up AGAIN as he says his parents still hold hands in the grocery store and he's haunted by loneliness. Chris Harrison says "I hear you have a lot of first dates but not seconds." Jake's lower lip starts to tremble.

And then it's time to meet the ladies! Here are some initial impressions, so you can keep them all straight:

First girl out is Rozlyn. She is beautiful in a truly unexceptional way. She looks like a much skinner, not as interesting Scarlet Johanson. She is also the first to say "fasten your seat belt, it's going to be a bumpy ride." Ha ha. Good one.

Next up...Emily. She is tiny with dark hair, green eyes, green dress and teeth like Chicklets.

Next is Ali, a cute blonde in a very yellow dress. She tickles Jake with a peacock feather. He seems thrilled.

Jessie. A slim brunette with curly hair and a bit of a deer-in-the-headlights stare. She touches Jake's arm and says "do you have a registry for those guns?" Oy.

Next is our Disney princess, Tenley. She pops out of the limo and a trail of bluebirds follow her singing. She also looks a lot like Christina Applegate.

Next is Ella, the hairstylist from Knoxville with a son. She does that neat little trick of "hey what's on your shirt" and then knocks Jake in the nose. Some people find that endearing. I think it is seriously annoying.

Next up is Kathryn, a blonde flight attendant in a very fluffy purple dress.

Next is Caitlyn, who I forgot existed until I just checked my notes. She is a brunette in a blue sparkly dress who I literally never saw again for the rest of the show.

Then there is Elizabeth, the air captain who is about as serious as a heart attack. She asks Jake if he prefers to be called Jacob.

Alexa is a blonde wearing motorcycle gloves. We don't see much of her after this either.

Then there is Vienna, the Paris Wannabe. She gets out and touches Jake's abs. She is blond and kinda cross-eyed.

Next is Corrie from Kissimmee. This is a town close to Orlando. She also charms Jake by saying "what do you think about kissimmee?" He blushes and then she explains herself. Big laughs shared by all.

Then there is Kimberly, a dancer from Oklahoma. Not very memorable except for...hmm. That's all I got.

Then there is Valishia, who is a brunette in a red dress who gives Jake some dirt from Texas.

Next is Gia, the fitness model who also owns a hair salon. I found her mouth kinda distracting but she has a certain look.

Then there is Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska. Again...picture Courtney Cox with freckles.

There's Channy, wearing a very short yellow dress that barely covers her landing strip. At least that's what she tells him in Cambodian.

There's the brunette Ashley, a teacher in a pink dress.

And then there is Tiana, the fake blonde from Canada who reminded me of Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter.

Dear G-d, does this ever end??? I've been writing this for almost an hour now and I'm still not done.

Next is Christina, who comes carrying jellybeans as parting gifts for all the girls because she is sure she will win. Way to make friends, Christina.

Then there is blonde Ashleigh, who trips and winds up in the Bachelor's arms. I don't think she faked it, it was a pretty big trip.

Next is Kirsten, a blond waitress. I don't think we see her again.

Next up is Stephanie in a short gold dress. She is a dance coach.

Then there is Sheila, who walks up in aviator glasses because hey, she's an aviator too. Never mind that it looks like crap with an evening gown.

And finally, there is Michelle, who acts like a airplane as she gets out of the limo. Does it sound stupid? Yup, it was.

Okay. Well. I think I'm going to need to take a break now. I've got to do some work before I leave so tune in later for the rest. More to come!

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