Wednesday, January 13, 2010

"My personal life is no one's business..."

Um...sorry but...that is incorrect, Rozlyn. If you're on a reality dating show, your personal life is EVERYONE'S business. Hey, you're the one who signed up for it...

Okay. So it's been a day and maybe you don't care about The Bachelor. I do. More than I should. Despite the fact that Jake is a tad bit uptight.

I will fully admit that I basically missed the first half hour of the Bachelor. Not my fault. I was chasing Girlfriend around the house to get her into her pj's. A difficult task since she would only speak to me in dinosaur language. In case you're wondering, dinosaurs don't wear pajamas.

So by the time I got to the television on Monday, it was time for Ali's big "come fly with me" date with Jake. That's the thing about dating a pilot, you've got to expect he's going to want to fly you places. And Ali's afraid of flying. Excellent! Ali dresses for the occasion in yet another yellow dress. Who has more than one yellow dress? Maybe this is her power color. She attempts to gracefully straddle a motorcycle in it. Seriously, I think it's very rude to pick up a girl for a date on a motorcycle. Does Jake even consider how long she has probably spent on her hair? So rude. Plus you are going to get dirty from the road air and possibly bugs in your teeth.

They get to the airport and the plane is like the size of gnat. I'd be freaking out too. Jake makes a big show of doing his "pre-flight." I hope they gave that girl a shot of something before they went up in the air. Once they are flying, she likens it to "floating." Sorry, but that's not what I want to feel like while in the air. I want to hear lots of engines. But no propellers. I am not a "prop" girl.

Cue "On the Wings of Love" ABC! Of course they do. Giving Jeffrey Osborne about another 2 minutes worth of fame. Ali says "the plane taking off was our relationship taking off." Seriously. So. Cheesy.

Then Ali and Jake get into a vintage car and drive to Palm Springs. They have dinner and Ali tells Jake all of her boyfriends have names that start with J. So obviously, they must be together. Jake flashes his dimples and Ali leans in to kiss him. And then, hark! What is that music?

Jake and Ali run across a park and see a bunch of old guys singing a Chicago song. Wait...those old guys ARE Chicago! The band! You know the ones! Who sing "Saturday in the Park!" help me here....

Anyway, Ali and Jake jam out to Chicago. Can you jam out to Chicago? They try.

In the meantime, back at the house, the girls discover there will be another group date. A few girls will not be getting dates this week. One of those girls is Michelle. In case you're forgetting who Michelle is, she is the one who is scary.

When Michelle discovers she is not getting a date, she goes upstairs to pack. Because "what is the purpose of me staying? He clearly doesn't want to be with me if I'm not getting a date with him." Tenley the Disney Princess is horrified. "But you must stay!" she cries. Tenley's deer and bunnies and bluebirds nod in agreement. Michelle zips up her suitcase and puts it downstairs, throwing a dart at her Jake dartboard.

Meanwhile, the ladies and Jake are going to an amusement park. Elizabeth immediately snatches Jake away and reads him a note/poem. Or at least I thought it was poem until I realized it was actually a vaguely threatening note. It says "Don't kiss me until you're ready to kiss only me for the rest of your life." Okay. Well. A bit demanding, if you ask me. I can see not wanting to jump into bed with the guy but come on. Jake says "I respect her's kind of sweet." Excellent values. If perhaps you are in a Jane Austen novel.

After the day at the amusement park, the group daters meet for cocktails. Vienna gets a little sloshy, pulls Jake aside and tells her big secret. I'll try to get this right, it's a bit confusing. At 17, she was engaged to her pastor's son but she called it off. So a month later, this pastor's son got married to someone else. So in retribution...or else just because she's an idiot....she runs off and elopes with the first breathing male she sees (this would make her 18, I suppose) and lo and behold, it doesn't work out. This makes her sob for some reason. And then Ashley with the brown hair interrupts her tale of woe with a margarita and her extremely pink fingernails.

At the end of the night, Jake gives the rose to Elizabeth, the girl who won't kiss. Together, they sit and watch the fireworks and think about kissing. Elizabeth consents to his elbow touching hers. I can't help but think that Elizabeth's rule is just like the prostitute (Julia Roberts) in Pretty Woman who won't kiss her customers but will pretty much do everything else. I wonder if the same rule applies.

Cocktail party time! It's Ella's birthday so she gets a cupcake! I'm sure that makes her feel much better about being away from her son. Michelle tells Jake she packed her bags because she didn't think he was into her.

And then the drama begins! Chris the Dork Harrison comes and pulls Rozlyn out of the cocktail party. He apologizes and says "you entered into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer." The way it was worded, you know it was written by lawyers. He then politely tells her the staffer has been fired and she has to go home. Chris looks like he might cry (as our fellow Bachelor friend Cassie has pointed out) the entire time. Rozlyn looks like a deer in the headlights. Or a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Or...hell, just insert your own cliche here. She goes upstairs to pack her bag while a big fat bouncer-type watches. I don't know why. Do they think she is going to wreck the joint? Meanwhile, Rozlyn's wilted rose looks on. Nice touch, ABC. Trying to add some art to this, are you?

Meanwhile, Jake is disturbed to learn that the hottest girl on the show is getting kicked off. He gets teary-eyed and asks "can I get my rose back?" He watches as Chris tells the remaining girls the news. They all start to cry and I'm like..huh? What the heck is everyone crying about? I hate that. I'm all for crying if there's a good reason and there are plenty of good reasons. But to cry for that? Not acceptable. Clearly, no one here has experienced any real tragedy in their young, surgically-enhanced lives. Jake says "I feel deceived. If anyone else is not sure if they want to be here, pull me aside and we'll talk about."

Tenley is beside herself. Ashley can't believe Roz was "getting it on" with someone else. I can't believe that someone just used the phrase "getting it on." Ali says "f*ck her." Couldn't have put it better myself.

Okay. Rose ceremony time. Ali and Elizabeth have roses and are therefore safe.

Rose #1 Vienna
Rose #2 Gia
Rose #3 Tenley
Rose #4 Ella
Rose #5 Valisha
Rose #6 Corrie
Rose #7 Jessie
Rose #8 Asleigh with the blonde hair
Rose #9 Michelle
Rose #10 Kathryn.

This means that Christina and Ashley with the brown hair are history. Not surprised. Christina was kind of loud in a "I spend a lot of time in a bar" kind of way that would frighten someone like Mr. Pleated Khaki Pants. And Ashley had those kind of big round eyes that might frighten you late at night. Plus she insists on saying "genuon" instead of "genuine" which really irritated me. She did it more than once.

Okay. Next week someone goes bungee jumping with Jake. Vienna annoys everyone. And Jake wells up with tears. Really? Again?

Until next week...


1 comment:

Mad Blahg Man said...

"Nanifesto is wildly entertaining" -Roger Ebert

"If you read only one blog this year, make it Nanifesto!" -Rex Reed

"Laughed so hard I came down with a terrible headache" -Gene Siskel