The next part of the Tenley date is somewhat pathetic. She says "I thought our chemistry was unbelievable." This evening is Tenley's very G-rated attempt at seducing Jake. The bluebirds and bunnies shake their heads sadly and cover their eyes. She lights a lot of candles and shows some leg. Jake barely seems to notice.
JAKE: My timing was horrible for that conversation on the boat. I apologize that I made you feel the way you did. I love your eyes, smile, the way you kissed me. I love that you didn't shut me down.
TENLEY: I'm oddly thankful you were completely honest.
Oh come on, Tenley....must you be so cheerful? She then suggestively invites him into the bedroom. Jake pretends like he is excited by this notion, jumping into the bed. Tenley sneaks over to the nightstand and gets something out. It's a red negligee...oh, no. It's a red present. It's like a scrapbook of their fortunes and their first kisses and some other crap that women think is important that men couldn't care less about.
JAKE (TO THE CAMERA): The girl has a heart of gold.
TENLEY (TO THE CAMERA): I will prove our chemistry is real in every single way.
Only...I don't think she did. I don't think she can. Poor dear has the sexuality of Snow White.
The next part of the show is the filler...with Jakie contemplating his choices. Of course, like every bachelor, he is "torn." I call bs on this. No one is torn the day before they are going to propose, I firmly believe that. Still, he meets the jeweler Neil Lane and picks out two different rings. Not surprisingly, Tenley likes the classic round cut and Vienna likes the over-the-top bling-y one. Jakie studies the rings, camera gets so close, we see nose hair. He wells up. He cries for real. He juts out his jaw Tom Cruise-style.
And then it's the big day. Tenley decks herself out in a golden princess dress, checking out her tush in the mirror. The bluebirds and bunnies cross their fingers for her but they know. Everyone knows. Except Tenley, apparently. She says "I feel giddy, blissful, my heart is joyful."And then she sees Jake.
JAKE: We've had an amazing time getting to know each other. We have the same values and positivity. BUT..
BIG SOB FROM THE JAKESTER. SHE THEN STARTS SOBBING.
JAKE: You're perfect but I don't know what it is...something doesn't feel right.
TENLEY: I want a man who loves me for me. Thanks for showing me what I could have.
JAKE STARTS TO SHOW HER THE DOOR. TENLEY CONTINUES TO TALK, CRYING PRETTILY. SERIOUSLY, SHE LOOKS GREAT. I WOULD HAVE A RED NOSE AND BLOTCHES ALL OVER MY FACE BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE COULD BE IN A MAKEUP COMMERCIAL.
TENLEY: I can let someone love me now. Thanks for making me feel special.
JAKE STOPS AND HUGS HER.
TENLEY: I'm not ready to say goodbye. Why are you saying goodbye?
JAKE: Some part of this isn't coming naturally. Will you please stop thanking me now?
BUT SHE IS STILL TALKING. CHRIS ESCORTS HER OFF. TENLEY CRIES IN THE LIMO. A BLUEBIRD HANDS HER A TISSUE.
TENLEY: I haven't found happiness yet because it hasn't been right. Jake will see the mistake he's made.
AND IN THAT BIZARRO HAPPINESS THAT ONLY THE TRULY OPTIMISTIC CAN RADIATE, SHE SMILES.
Okay. Back to reality. Vienna is nervous. She gets out of the helicopter and says "when I found Jake is when I found myself." As she walks up to podium she whispers...
VIENNA: I'm completely in love with you.
JAKE (WHISPERING): I think you're an amazing woman. That's why I'm going to give you back the promise ring from your father. I can't keep it.
WHY IS EVERYONE WHISPERING ANYWAY? I FEEL LIKE I'M WATCHING ALL MY CHILDREN. NOT THAT I EVER WATCHED ALL MY CHILDREN. OKAY, MAYBE I DID WATCH AS THE WORLD TURNS SOMETIMES IN HIGH SCHOOL BUT DEFINITELY NOT SINCE THEN. ANYWAY, VIENNA LOOKS A BIT FREAKED OUT, THINKING THIS MEANS JAKE HASN'T PICKED HER.
JAKE: Wait, I want you to remember this. I love you.
VIENNA: I love you!
CUE ON THE WINGS OF LOVE. OF COURSE THEY DO.
JAKE: Will you marry me?
WELL, DUH OF COURSE SHE WILL. WHO ELSE IS SHE GOING TO MARRY, ONE OF HER CUSTOMERS FROM HOOTERS?
And they live happily ever after....
"See?" My husband says. "It's over. No more."
I point excitedly at the television. There is Chris Harrison's happy smiling face. It's After the Final Rose! Husband rolls his eyes and leaves the room.
This show was so boring. Mainly, poor Tenley STILL can't figure out why Jake didn't want to pick her. Poor thing. She tells Jake he smells good. He keeps telling her they had no "magical" spark. She doesn't understand that by "magical" Jake really means sexual. I don't think she gets it. And she might never get it. Jake tells her "you are the most precious thing in the whole world." Still doesn't mean he wants to get busy with her. Simple as that.
And then Jake tries to explain to everyone why he picked Vienna.
JAKE: She's my baby. I've never had this much heat in a relationship.
TRANSLATION: I'VE NEVER BEEN PROPERLY SHAGGED UNTIL NOW.
JAKE: I wanted to date out of my comfort zone.
TRANSLATION: SURE, SHE'S KINDA SKANKY. BUT IN A GOOD WAY.
JAKE: My soul mate is Vienna.
TRANSLATION: I NEED TO KEEP TALKING THIS WAY SO I KEEP GETTING SHAGGED.
And then they bring out Vienna and talk about how the tabloids have been fabricating things. She says she is moving to Dallas immediately. And then they bring out Jeffrey Osborne. Who is Jeffrey Osborne? Let me refresh your memory...
ON THE WINGS OF LOVE...ONLY THE TWO OF US...TOGETHER FLYING HIGH.....
Oh yes, he serenades them. And they dance. And do you know why?
BECAUSE JAKE IS GOING TO BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS!!!
Hello? Does this boy not have a job? Doesn't he need to fly some planes occasionally to be considered a pilot?
And then they reveal who the next Bachelorette will be...drumroll please...Ali! She declares she would like 50 men to choose from, not 25. Ha ha. Not funny. You think you are, but you're not. I don't dig this chick and her 500 yellow dresses. She's not nearly as charming and cute as she thinks she is. And ultimately, she is a Mean Girl. Of course, this doesn't mean I won't watch the show. It just means I am going to be more brutal than usual.
Next week...we get to watch Jason the Bachelor marry Molly in a huge overpriced extravaganza! Is it wrong to mock someone's nuptials? Perhaps. Do I care? Not so much.
Have a good week...I'll be blogging about the wedding next Tuesday!
Hope you enjoyed the season,