So no big surprises last night. Vienna and Jake are in love. Jakie Jake picked the bad girl over the big girl. Thanks to Reality Steve and all the tabloids, we all knew this weeks ago. Yet it didn't stop us from watching three whole hours of it.
I will admit it. I started watching at 8:15. Husband got home later than expected so it could not be helped. I will admit to starting bathtime earlier. As usual, this did not result in an earlier bedtime but in several more renditions of "Part of Your World" (if you what I'm talking about, you clearly have 3-year-old girl...if not, it is Ariel-related and you can scoff at my considerable un-hipness). Anyway, by the time I entered the World O' Bachelor, Tenley was busy winning over Jakie's family. Here was her conversation with Jake's dear old dad:
TENLEY: I was hurt by my past in-laws. I want someone who will take me in and love me.
JAKE'S DAD'S CHIN BEGINS TO TREMBLE. HE CANNOT SPEAK. TENLEY PULLS HIM IN FOR AN EMBRACE AS HE COATS HER PRINCESS HAIR WITH TEARS.
DAD: I do believe I just met my future daughter-in-law.
JAKE'S MOM: There are no red flags with her.
Of course not. She is you, 30 years younger. Minus the princess voice.
Jake says "my family is smitten with Tenley." Jake and Tenley all talk about how perfect they are for each other. The bluebirds and rabbits high-five each other and start baking a ten-layer wedding cake with big pink roses on it. Jake shows off his impulsive side by jumping into the pool and taking Tenley with him, squealing all the way. Then his brothers (those crazy kids) do the same thing and they all embrace in a family hug. Puke.
MOM: Jake would be blessed to have Tenley. I don't know why he is conflicted. They seem like the perfect couple.
And then it's Vienna's turn to meet the family. She shows up with a big fruit basket. Yeah. It's going to take more than that, girlfriend. Jake says "I shouldn't have told my parents this is the girl no one likes." Y'think? Here is how the first meeting with the 'rents went, complete with significant looks and rolling eyes.
MOM: So where are you from?
VIENNA: Geneva, Florida. It's mostly woods and dirt. We have a flashing light now, still no stoplight.
MOM: Why did you have trouble getting along with the other girls in the group?
VIENNA: Because I'm brutally honest.
SISTER-IN-LAW LAURA: You seem very different from Tenley.
VIENNA: Because I'm not a robot.
This is apparently a very shocking thing to say in this group. I get the feeling Jake's family aren't into mocking people. I get the feeling I wouldn't do very well in this situation either. My guess is that these guys play a lot of Uno. Maybe Balderdash on a really crazy night.
Mom pulls Jake aside and says "It bothers me she couldn't get along with the other women." Jake says "oh, she just says things that poke." Mom says "she'll poke at you eventually." Jake says to camera "this isn't happening between Mom and Vienna."
The sister-in-laws do a sit-down with Vienna.
Sis-in-law Laura: Tenley gets along with everyone.
VIENNA: But she's annoying.
SISTER-IN-LAW: Does this happen to you a lot in life where people don't like you?
VIENNA, TWIRLING HER FAKE GROSS BARBIE EXTENSIONS: Sometimes.
SISTER-IN-LAW: Won't you be shocked if he doesn't choose you in the end?
VIENNA LOOKS SHOCKED, AS THOUGH THIS HAS NEVER OCCURRED TO HER. AND THEN SHE SAYS: He brings out the best in me.
Then Mom takes her to task and pulls Vienna aside for some alone time. Mom is none too pleased with this woman. Seriously, would you want to stare at that creepy fake Barbie hair for the rest of your days? Listen to that bad grammar on your deathbed?
MOM: It's important that you get along with my daughter-in-laws. Women are the glue of the family. You need to be strong to be married to pilot.
VIENNA (IN A VERY SMALL VOICE): Well, I'll have you guys.
MOM: That's right. You will. You've changed my mind.
Well, that was fast. Apparently, Vienna won over the sister-in-laws too. One sister-in-law even begins to cry because she feels bad for judging her. Meanwhile, Jake is staring at Vienna like she is already his wife.
MOM (TO VIENNA): We're a little bit protective, can you tell?
Tell you what. They acted all nicey nice now. But Vienna and this mother are going to be a constant source of friction. Mark my words. Those righteous blue eyes will burn holes in Vienna's unholy, spray-tanned skin.
Okay. So now Jake has one more date with Vienna and one more with Tenley before he has to make his decision. First up, Vienna. He is taking her to some steamy sulpher springs. Girlfriend doesn't don't want to play in the mud...at first. Then she realizes that it will look like a Playboy video as they cover themselves with mud. Jake says "I enjoyed covering you with mud." He then admits "I need to make sure I'm not so attracted to Vienna that it gets in the way of what I need in a wife."
Nighttime. Vienna takes off the promise ring from her father to signal to Jake she is ready to spend the rest of her life with him.
VIENNA: I know we have chemistry. But I also want to know I'm your best friend and rock.
She then reads him a cheesy letter and says something about "him and I are in love." Sigh. Really? That's the best you got, kid?
Next day, big date with Tenley. They are going on a boat.
TENLEY: Oh my gosh!! I'm so excited!! Isn't it exciting??
A stream of exclamations trail after Tenley wherever she goes. Meanwhile, Jake is clearly not into her and looks down.
TENLEY: Am I too much to handle?
Uh, no, Tenley, you're not. And that's the problem.
JAKE: You've captivated me emotionally.
Uh oh. I sense a big old but coming on here.
JAKE: But sometimes the physical chemistry isn't as hot as the emotional chemistry.
TENLEY: I feel it. I think we have heat.
JAKE: It's building slowly.
TENLEY STARTS TO CRY. YOU CAN SEE JAKE CONSIDERING JUMPING OFF THE BOAT.
TENLEY: I want someone who wants all of me.
JAKE: I'm not saying I'm not that guy.
But he is.
Okay. That's about halfway...more to come later.