Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Bachelorette Round-Up..."You smell like snow, flowers and gasoline."

So last night was a very exciting show for me since I actually watched almost all of it in one sitting. This never happens anymore. Not to say we did not get one or two nocturnal visits from a toddler in cat pajamas but hey, it wasn’t bad. And no, we did not give her Benedryl.

I actually started watching the show from the point where Michael “Electric Boogalu” was on a one-on-one date with Jillian. Anyone else but me getting strong gay vibes from him? Like he is cute and charming but clearly not straight. They are at some wine bar and Michael is pretending he knows something about wine. They drink champagne. By the way, no guy on the planet likes champagne. He says “it’s the best champagne I’ve ever had.” It’s like, the only champagne he’s ever had since he is barely 21. Jillian asks him if he is ready to settle down. He says “I’m cheesy. If a girl kisses me on the mouth, I’m in love.” Jillian looks at him in that pathetic way you might look at the kid in class who cries when he has to give an oral report and says “why did you really come here?” This stumps Electric Boogalu. He says “I haven’t been on a date with a girl…or man…since then.” I think it was a joke. Hmmm. Maybe it was all that wine but Jillian gives him a rose. Maybe she just wanted to see him do that pop-n-lock move again.

Next day…a group snowmobiling date. Oh, I forgot to mention, they are up in Whistler. Yup. Still doing the Canada thing. Apparently, Jillian is a true Canadian because she never looks like I do in the snow which is cold, runny-nosed and miserable. Nah, she looks downright chipper. She has some alone time with Robby the Bartender. For some reason, I keep forgetting this guy exists. She interrogates him about whether or not he is ready for a family. He claims he is. Jillian does not think he is the guy with the girlfriend. Next, she has alone time with Tanner. I am pretty sure she is only keeping him around to see if he will tell her who the guy is with the girlfriend. He will not say, only advising her “keep your eyes open and you’ll see who is here for the right reasons.”

As if on cue, Wes pops out of the snow, guitar in hand. They make out and talk about the rose ceremony. Wes says he was pretty pissed out about it and says “all the guys think it’s me with the girlfriend and I have a new CD coming out.” I don’t see the connection here but he someone manages to say “I have a new CD coming out” yet again in the conversation. Then he carves it into the snow. Jillian concludes that he is definitely here for the right reasons and the fact that HE HAS A NEW CD COMING OUT has absolutely nothing to do with it.

And then it is night time. Time to hang out in the freezing cold snow by the fire! Seriously, how is her nose not red? Ah yes, a make-up artist. Maybe I just need to travel with one of those all winter. Jillian has some alone time with Kiptyn. And there is kissing. Ladies and gentleman, there is tongue. Lots of it. And not the kind you serve on rye bread with mustard.

She has alone time with Reid. He tells her she smells good, “like snow, flowers and gasoline.” Ha ha. That Reid is a card. Seriously, though, Jillian says. Who has a girlfriend? Reid says, we all do except me. I have two wives. Ha, ha, Reid! Knee-slapper.

Meanwhile, Ed is getting moody. All of a sudden, his boss tells him he needs to come back to work or get fired. In reality, I think he has realized that Jillian, while a nice enough girl, is not perhaps one worth battling ten guys for and certainly not worth losing several paychecks over. But this is not what Ed tells Jillian. He tells her she is exactly what he’s looking for. Jillian gives him the rose in an effort to convince him to stay.

Next up, a one-on-one date with Jesse. Now, I happen to think Jesse’s pretty cute and he’s a winemaker. Plus he doesn’t have spiky hair or do pop-and-lock moves, which makes me like him even more. He and Jillian are going on a Canadian’s fantasy date…hanging out on their own private glacier. Some people dream of a fantasy island, others a huge chunk of ice. Jesse and Jillian frolic in the snow. They kiss but it is fairly innocent. Mostly they keep talking about how this is the most AMAZING DATE EVER!

And then it is night. Jillian tells Jesse she is willing to put her life in someone else’s hands for a couple of years and move. Jesse tells Jillian her voice is so sexy it makes him want to fall asleep. This somehow leads to them making out in the hot tub. She says there are major sparks. He says he won’t be able to sleep that night. Everyone is happy. Until…

The next day. That's when Mopey Ed announces that he’s going to leave the show. He can’t even look like he’s that sad about going. However, he does attempt melancholy by telling Jillian he wants to keep the rose she gave him. What’s he going to do with it, press it into a book next to his Prom tickets? Jillian tells Ed not to let work get in the way of a person you are crazy about it. This is easy for her to say when she’s got like ten other guys to pick from.

The rest of the show after this is boring. Lots of Jillian whining and crying in the snow about Ed’s departure. Come on, ABC, this is the best you’ve got? It gets so boring, our dorky host has to step in and interview Jillian about the way she’s feeling. She says Tanner needs to focus on her more and Jake is too perfect. Well, what’s wrong with being perfect, I say? She’s nuts if she drops him and keeps people around like Wes WHO HAS A CD COMING OUT SOON. LOOK FOR IT IN WAL-MART IN CHINCHILLA, MEXICO.

Rose ceremony time. Jillian skips the cocktail party and gets right down to business. Basically Mark gets kicked off. Right now you’re probably thinking who? Exactly. You won’t miss him.

Next week on the Bachelorette….it appears that someone gets an overnight date with Jillian. Only…Houston, we have a problem. Did they really mention erectile dysfunction in this promo? Seriously? ABC, you have no shame. And I love it.

Good times, people. Good times.

Have a great week,

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