Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Bachelor Round-Up #1...A Man and His Hot Dog

So what did our lovely new Bachelor Jason get for Chanukah this year? Apparently not a shirt.

Just how many times do we need to see Jason’s buff bod? How many close-ups of pecs does a person need? Do we need to see him oiled up, glistening with sweat? Apparently, ABC is desperate to have us watch and they think his bulging biceps will get us to tune in. Either that or they think his face isn’t cute enough and they need his body to work overtime. Hmmm…

Anyway, in case you haven’t heard, Jason is the poor sap who got dumped by Deanna. Never mind that Dee did him a favor since she is an idiot with bad eyebrows and Hollywood aspirations (good luck, dude.) But now he’s back….and ready to find a wife. Which I sincerely believe because this guy would propose to a rock if it was moving.

We begin by seeing shots of Jason driving to LA in a Soccer Dad car, complete with Ty in the backseat. He’s also brought along his brother Larry to act as Ty’s nanny. He does some more shirtless push-ups, kisses both of his biceps and heads off to meet with Chris the Dork Harrison.

In the meantime, we get to meet the lovely bachelorettes. We see them practicing their dance moves. Brushing and flossing. Packing 32 of their favorite pairs of shoes. And in Nikki’s case, wearing her Miss Illinois crown and sash and teaching her niece how to do a pageant wave. And who can forget poor little Renee from LA, sitting with her little dog on the couch making “vision boards.” In case you’re wondering, vision boards consist of Renee cutting up magazines and picking out words and pictures that she wants to envision her life becoming. Poor thing. I guess this is what happens if you’re really hungry and start to become delusional.

Then there is Jackie, the divorced wedding coordinator who has about 50 chips on her shoulder. And who can forget poor Stephanie, the widowed Botoxed mom from Alabama who takes us to visit her husband’s grave and tells her daughter “Daddy took a flight to heaven.” Kind of disturbing, ABC. For shame, for shame. There is also Lauren, the bubbly teacher from New Jersey who tells us she is “enthusiastic and attractive.” And of course there is Naomi, the Eva Mendes-look-alike who says “I handle bitches with a slap.”

Back to Jason and Chris. Chris tells him “hope the third time’s a charm” and sends him off to meet the ladies. Send in the limos!

Bachelorette #1
Lauren, the teacher from New Jersey. She’s cute in a Jen Aniston kind of way, very confident and wears a leopard print dress. It’s also her bday and she makes Jason guess how old she is. In case you care, she’s 27.

Bachelorette #2
Kari from Kansas. Actually, she’s really from Lee’s Summitt, Missouri which is a suburb of Kansas City. I know this because I’ve actually been there. She says she’s from “Dorothy Country” which it’s not but fine. She wears a very hot pink dress. Basically cute.

Melissa. She doesn’t swing her arms when she walks. Other than that, she’s a cute, perky brunette from Texas. Used to be a Cowgirls cheerleader, in case you need a reason to hate her.

Sharon from New York. For some reason, she does a little salsa dance. We later find out she’s a Spanish teacher so that makes sense. She is blonde and rather generic. You’ll remember her later because she tells Jason she quit her job to come on the show. No pressure or anything…

Natalie from Chicago. Fake blonde extensions and the worst spray tan I have ever seen. Like a tangerine. Wearing stripper shoes.

Naomi, the Eva Mendes look-alike. She keeps hiking up her dress which is a nasty habit. What, are we at prom here?

Megan. A brunette in a green dress. She has a 14 month old son and a potty mouth.

Stacia. Another single mom. Cute haircut though she looks like she could beat Jason up.

Jackie. The uber-annoying wedding planner from Dallas. She tells Jason he is gorgeous therefore requiring him to do the same.

Lisa from Idaho. Cute girl with odd eyebrows wearing green. She tells Jason he needs to go to Idaho for some potatoes. Oh course he does, since it’s such a rare delicacy….

Stephanie. The widowed mom. This is where we see further proof that a little Botox can be a scary thing. I’m sure she would have looked a lot better if she had just left well enough alone.

Treasure. Yes folks, this is her real name. Poor thing. Not much to say except she is wearing a short red dress.

Raquel from Brazil. She looks like a skinnier Salma Hayak so yes, she is drop-dead beautiful. The question is, is she too much for Jay-jay? We shall see.

Now with a name like Shelby, you just have to be perky. Actually, I once knew a golden retriever by that name. Shelby is a little like that, trying to work the Cameron Diaz thing. Not totally unappealing.

She walks her pageant walk, waves, sashays, smiles. Whatever it is she’s got, Jason likey. In fact, Chris interrupts him admiring her tush as she walks away.

Spunky little blonde in blue. Anxious to show off her golf skills. Tries to make Jason show off his swing right there and then but he refuses. Not a great sign.

A big girl in a too short gold dress. You get the feeling girlfriend has spent some time in a bar or two.

She tells Jason she is wearing an orange dress because it is Ty’s favorite color. Okay, a little much butt-kissing even for Jay-jay…

Renee from La. Poor thing needs a sandwich.

Jillian from Vancouver BC. Tells him she has a theory about hot dogs and men. You think there’s a joke coming in here somewhere but no. Ah, that Canadian sense of humor.

Dominique or Dom. Very giggly, very short blue dress. Seems excited not to be in her small town in PA. Needs an eyebrow make-over. Do I seem obsessed with eyebrows? I only notice them if they are exceptionally bad.

Emily. A blonde from Seattle. Very blonde, which Jay Jay is not down with. Will he keep her because she is geographically desirable?

Julie—an African-American teacher in a purple dress. We literally never see her again.

Ann—a flight attendant from Phoenix. We never see her again either.

Shannon. Gets out of the car wearing fake teeth. Ha ha! And she’s a dental hygienist. Even funnier!!! Can’t stand her….

And the cocktail party begins. Someone toasts Deeanna “because without her, we wouldn’t be here.” Shannon the dental hygienist has alone time with Jay-jay and we discover she is not only weird but a stalker, which is always an excellent combination. “I know the name of your brother’s girlfriend’s dog.”

Dom tells him she sells toe implants. Kari wrote him a love poem. Jillian cooks up some hot dogs and says the best thing a guy could be a mustard guy and “eating a hot dog depends on how you enjoy life.”

Jay and Jay and Miss Illinois Nikki have alone time and hold hands the entire time. He seems to be grilling her to make sure she’s okay with kids and she assures him she’s ready. Renee makes the mistake of explaining her “vision boards” and how they make things come true.

Raquel the Brazilian babe steals off with him to teach him to dance. Molly cuts in and Raquel steals him back. Stephanie tells Jay-Jay her tale of woe. Lauren gives Jason a government quiz and you’ll be happy to know he can name all three branches of government. All three! What a keeper. He presents her with birthday cake which is nice though she was hoping for the first impression rose. Stalker Shannon pops up and says “you looked good out there dancing” and beams at him. In the meantime, Jay-jay presents Nikki with the first impression rose, saying “you are absolutely stunning and I loved our easy conversation.”

Then comes the stupidest part of the night. Chris Harrson presents a ballot box where all the women get to pick the bachelorette they would most like to see leave the house. Megan wins. Of course, this doesn’t mean that Megan has to leave. Surprise! It’s a trick. It means she gets a rose and gets to stay. Sneaky, sneaky. Meanwhile, Megan calls them all something awful that ABC bleeps out. Lovely mom, that Megan.

Rose ceremony. Here’s how it played out. Remember, Nikki and Megan are already in.

Rose #1…Lauren the Jen Aniston wannabe.

Rose 2….Cary from Kansas

Rose 3…Naomi….Eva Mendes wannabe

Rose 4….Natalie. Really? He could do better than Ms. Clementine Orange.

Rose 5…Molly

Rose 6…Raquel

Rose 7…Stephanie the Botox Mom

Rose 8…Melissa…the Rachel Ray-esque cheerleader

Rose 9…Jillian the Hot Dog lady

Rose 10 Shannon the Stalker “I thought you’d never ask….”

Rose 11…Lisa from Idaho. An odd choice

Rose 12….Sharon

Rose 13…Erica. Again, pretty sure she’d beat him in arm wrestling but whatever.

Who’s out? Lots of folks but most memorably, Renee who said “I had envisioned this….perhaps this is is the middle of it, not the ending. I’m 36, professional and cute. My vision boards are real.” Jackie is drunk and says “I already had planned my beach wedding to Jason.” All righty, ladies. Back to reality, I’m afraid.

And then we get scenes from the upcoming season. And who do we see???Dun, dun, dun! Deannna's back! What??? We actually see her telling Jason “I made a mistake.” Now we know Jason is a sucker but is he really going to fall for this??? No. I refuse to accept it. He will not, can not propose to her. He’s allowed anyone else. Just not her. I will not watch the next Bachelor season if he picks Deanna.

Okay. I’m lying.

But I’ll be super-duper annoyed.

So there you have it, guys. Still no rose ceremony, maybe the recession has caught up with ABC and they can’t afford the cheesy tennis bracelet prize. Tune in for more drama next week….

Happy Tuesday,


1 comment:

Elizabeth Cobb Durel said...

You know, i never was really a fan of the Bachelor shows much when I was covering them and now don't care enough to track them down on ABC or where ever, but I LOVE your updates and read them faithfully every single week. I'm so glad a new season started.