Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Bachelor Round-Up #2..."It was like Slow motion when he took his shirt off..."

So. Two things. I will attempt to be amusing this Bachelor Round-Up but I’m a tad under the weather so keep your expectations low. Also…there was a battle of wills happening in our house last night as A. insisted she had to use the potty 15 times between 8 and 10pm. So…forgive me if I forget a detail or two….feel free to chime in if I leave out anything of importance.

The show started with more shots of Ty. I don’t know why this bugs me so much; we all know he has a kid, it just feels like Ty should have some say in whether or not he’s on tv. I’m sure when he’s like 12 he’ll be complaining to his shrink about it. Anyway, Ty is not staying around the Bachelor mansion to help Daddy pick up girls. No, Ty is headed back to Seattle to hang with his mysterious mother who broke Jay-Jay’s little heart.

Meanwhile, Chris the Dork Harrison introduces the ladies to their new mansion. He also explains that not everyone will go on a date with Jay-jay every week. This obviously sets the ladies off into a tizzy. So what did they do? Put on their bikinis and hop in the pool.

Ding-dong. Who’s there? Why, Jason of course. This sets the women into a further tizzy. Some of them are not wearing make-up or…gasp….wearing a ponytail! And the woman’s movement takes another mighty step back....

So ABC sees this as a great opportunity to force Jay-jay to give one woman a rose. Which means of course, they must all compete for his attention. Stalker Shannon is wearing a sequined bikini to hold up her fake boobs. A bold choice and not necessarily an attractive one. She attempts to attract his attention by throwing ice at him.

Then ABC makes a big ta-da moment out of Jason slowly taking off his shirt. They even do the slow-mo soft-porn camera. Full-on Velveeta moment. Botox Mom Stephanie sighs and says “he’s dreamy.”

And then Jillian the Hot Dog Lady is by his side, continuing to discuss the merits of different condiments. Still? We’re still talking about mustard here? Jason is disappointed to learn that Jillian originally thought he was a Ketchup Guy, which means Mama’s Boy. He assures her that he is most definitely a Mustard Dude. Of course he is. All Jewish guys eat mustard on their dogs. Duh.

In the meantime, Stalker Shannon smears Jay-jay with suntan lotion and calls touching Jason’s bare shoulders and chest “a gift.” Naomi the Eva Mendes Wannabe tries to impress Jason with all the charity work she’s done saving orphans. The most awkward moment of the night is when Stephanie attempts to politely interrupt Jason and Natalie. Poor thing makes him a drink…the kind you actually need to use a blender for….and stands there, holding it, waiting for him to invite to her speak. But he doesn’t. And Natalie doesn’t stop talking. So she just stands there like a waitress or something. Finally, she goes away. And drinks both drinks herself.

Finally, Jason gives the rose to Jillian the Hot Dog Lady, meaning she gets a special date with him that night. The girls are jealous until they realize Jillian will have to go out without having three hours to hot-roller her hair. Lauren says “Thank G-d it wasn’t me…I’d have to wear my hair in a ponytail!” G-d! Not a ponytail! The horror!

Jason is taking Jillian to Disney Hall which automatically impresses her because she is a fan of Frank Geary. I am just impressed she knows who he is. Jillian says “I didn’t think you’d be so cool…” In other words, she thought he’d be a big dork like the rest of America…or in her case, Canada. And then he says, “I’ve got another surprise for you…a surprise performance by Robin Thicke!” And she says “Get Oat!” or as we say here in the States, “Get out!” I kid. I actually think Canadian accents are quite charming. And Jillian is too and frankly much classier/brighter than most of the American girls on the show.

Now who is Robin Thicke you may ask? I did not know until last night because I apparently live under a rock. It seems as though he is the child of Alan Thicke of Family Matters, in case you care. He is also apparently been deemed “the most soulful white guy on the planet.” I suppose that’s a good thing. Though I do have to wonder if his career is going so well if this is his big gig. Jason and Jillian dance. Not very well, wow, downright bad. But love is in the air. And they smooch. Jillian says “it’s the most intimate date I’ve ever been on.” I like this Jillian. She seems normal, bright and funny. Therefore, he’s sure not to pick her because Jason has crap taste.

After Jason takes her home, Jillian is grilled by the ladies of the house. She kisses and tells, which gets Melissa all wound up because she has the next date with him.

Melissa and Jason go to a beach to eat oysters, despite the fact that they are both repulsed by them. Jason says “Melissa fits the mold of what I’m usually attracted to…but usually these girls aren’t ready to be settled down.” She assures them that while she used to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, what she really wants to do is teach first grade. And take care of her kids in the summer. We see little hearts and flowers and chirping birdies surround Jason’s face as he looks lovesick. And then the Goodyear Blimp appears. Because it just isn’t a date until the blimp shows up.

So Melissa asks the Blimp all these questions like it’s the Magic 8 Ball and surprisingly, it actually answers. Then they wind up going up in the blimp for a make-out session. Melissa says it’s her first kiss in a long time. Jason says it’s the most passionate kiss he’s had in a long time which doesn’t bode well for Jillian since he was just snogging with her the night before.

Next date, next date. Jason is taking 8 girls out at once. First he takes them to a boutique to pick out slutty dresses to wear. Then they go to a fancy hotel that overlooks LA and Jason has one-on-one time with them. Erica is immediately jealous as she watches him with other women, apparently because her last boyfriend cheated on her with a 52-year-old. Hmmm. Very random comment but interesting insight into her world.

So what happens on this date? I can tell you some of it but not all because I was being summoned to bathroom a lot by a 2-year-old who kept insisting she had to poo. But here’s what I got. There was talent show which included some “breakdance” moves on Jason’s part. There was synchronized swimming. And then Molly came and dragged him off for smooches. Not to be outdone, Naomi does the same, pleased that her kiss was longer. Meanwhile, Nikki freaks out that all this kissing is going on because she’s only kissed one boy since she was 17 which honestly, seems a bit weird to me. A tad prissy, perhaps? Reality tv is not the best place for people who get hung up on these sorts of things. Molly gets the rose on this date, much to the dismay of Naomi. Apparently longer is not necessarily better.

And then it’s time to take all the ladies home. Like a true gentleman, Jason sees them to the door. In the meantime, Raquel the Brazilian Stalker sees this as an opportunity. She hops into his limo when he’s not looking. When he opens the door, there she is, all “hello Jason” in a smoky voice. Jason looks around to make sure the cameras are still there and Raquel is not going to chop him up in a million pieces. She says “are you sick of me yet?” Jason looks like he can’t push her out of the limo fast enough. Raquel later tell the camera she “wants to be with someone who loves her so much, if she died, he’d never marry again and Jason could be that man.” Again. Creeeeeepy. Thanks Morticia Adams.

By the way, Marylou, who is sitting right next to me right now, is concerned about Nikki’s sideburns. Carry on.

And then it is cocktail party time. Lisa from Idaho, who I frankly forgot existed, pulls Jason aside to let him know she is leaving due to a family illness. The other girls feign disappointment except for Lauren who says, “as long as I get a rose I don’t really care.” And then there is some brouhaha between Erica and Megan, the two most white trash girls in the house. I can’t tell you much more about it because this is when I was being summoned to the bathroom by a small person who wanted me to do “the Pee-Pee dance” in celebration of her latest victory. Here’s how the rose ceremony panned out. Keep in mind Molly, Jillian and Melissa are safe:

Rose #1 Megan—Ugh. Really? Isn’t the trailer park missing her yet?

Rose #2 Nikki

Rose #3 Lauren

Rose #4 Naomi

Rose #5 Stephanie

Rose #6 Kari

Rose #7 Nathalie

Rose #8 Stalker Shannon

Rose #9 Erica

Who’s out? Raquel the Brazilian Morticia and Sharon to quit her job to come here. Tune in next week when Jason and the girls strip for charity. No, I’m not kidding. Could I even make this up??

Happy Tuesday,

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