Jillian picks up Jake wearing a black fringe dress and red go-go boots. I can’t decide if I like or if it’s awful. Jake dons the ever cool khakis and blue shirt, making him look like he works at Banana Republic. Jillian says “Jake is very good-looking but a little conservative.” Ya think? So she takes him to some honkey tonk place and makes him try on clothes. I’m all for getting the guy out of his frat boy wear but I’m not sure this is much of an improvement.. Though you’ve gotta love the moment when Jillian buttons his belt buckle. You could practically hear the ABC producers in the background egging her on…careful, Jilly. Last time this happened you were doing softcore porn scenes in a hot tub…
Meanwhile, Jake is planning their wedding. This is the kind of guy who seems ready to propose at any given moment. They two-step together and she is amazed at his ability. Duh. The guy’s from Texas. Jake says “What would you say if a black car picked you up and had your bags all packed and one morning you were in Belgium for waffles?” She says she would love it. Jillian says “I know I could my hand my life over to Jake and he would take care of me. And that’s what I need.” And the women’s movement takes another giant leap….backwards.
Jake eagerly says “you want to get married out of this?” And Jillian hesitates. And that my friends, is why I firmly believe she will not be accepting a proposal this season. I just don’t think it’s going to happen.
Meanwhile, they both agree that they are spontaneous. Do spontaneous people really talk about being spontaneous? As if to prove how spontaneous he is, Jake plants a wet one on Jillian in the middle of a conversation. And then…the stage moves back and out pops Martina McBride. Apparently, she’s a legend. If you don’t believe me, just ask Jillian. I have no idea what she sings, but okay. I’m a little out of the country music loop since the only ones on my iPod in that genre are Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline and Dolly Parton. But okay, Martina. The two of them dance to Martina, impressed by their two-stepping ability. Jillian says “this is someone I could spend a lot of time with.” Jake is planning what color tux he’ll wear at the wedding.
Next day, next date. It’s a group basketball date. Who’s at an advantage, Dave because he’s tall and a hothead. Who’s not? Juan. As Tanner B puts it “Juan is lacking some testosterone.” Of course, so is Tanner B. Simon the Englishman is also at a decided disadvantage, despite having height on his side. I think I could dunk on that guy. Jillian is pretty sucky too.
And then…Jillian invites four of her friends to play. Friends that happen to be Harlem Globetrotters. Hello…MeadowLark Lemon? You mean Kobe wasn’t available? Anyway, the Globetrotters spend most of their time balancing balls on their fingers but still manage to beat the crap out of the guys. They do choose Dave as the guy they like best for Jillian. This does not earn him a rose but he does get a jersey out of the deal.
And then they walk down to the beach and Mike runs into the freezing cold water in his speedos. For some reason, Jillian thinks this is “frickin’ awesome.” Then they get all gussied up and go to Viceroy Hotel in LA and I’m thinking, ew I hate that hotel just at the same moment Jillian says “we’re having drinks at my favorite hotel.” I realized the producers force her to say this but man, that is the dumbest, most scene-y hotel in the world. Except for maybe the Roosevelt which I hate even more.
Anyway, Juan spends most of the evening saying silly things to Jillian like “Your eyes are a piercing green.” Dave spends most of the night plotting how he wants to kill Juan. Jillian loves smooching Kiptyn, who lets her know he’s normally the heartbreaker. Retreat, retreat! And the rose goes to…Mike for having the balls to strip down to the teeny, weany bikini (no pun intended).
Cocktail party time. Tanner grabs Jilly’s feet to get a better look. Robby is mixing up a fancy Robmo drink in the hopes of enticing her. And Wes is doing his creepy Wes thing, telling Jillian he’s going to write a song for her.
And then ABC does their stupid thing where they let the guys vote which guy they’d like to see leave. They choose Juan. Jillian gives him a rose so he can stay. Dave is pissed. And falling into the category of any impression is better than no impression, Brian decides to take off all his clothes and jumps in the pool. Jesse says “It’s like watching a bad car accident.” Tanner notes the amount of “shrinkage.”
Rose ceremony time. Juan, Wes, Jake and Mike have roses and are safe. Here’s who gets the rest:
Rose #1 Jesse
Rose 2 David
Rose 3 My husband was talking so I don’t know who this person was, sorry. Let me know who I forgot.
Rose 4 Sasha
Rose 5 Mark
Rose 6 Michael Electric Boogalu
Rose 7 Tanner P the foot guy
Rose 8 Kiptyn
Rose 9 Reid
Rose 10 Robby
Rose 11 Tanner F. Can we lose a Tanner, already?
Rose 12 Brad
Who’s out? The guy who got naked and said “it was cold so I was hung like a light switch and that’s why I’m out.” Simon. Julian. And Mathue who went bu-hu-hu. Sorry, if he can misspell on purpose, so can I.
In the meantime, sorry this is late and I apologize for any misspellings….I just have no time tonight and my dear daughter is still chatting in the other room and possibly about to get out of bed. So…I promise to have better grammar next time.
Have a good one,