So what do you need to know about the new Bachelorette, Gillian? Well, for one…she’s Canadian. Why do you care? Because in my humble experience with Canadians, they are almost always nice and polite. But you never actually know what they are really thinking.
Like last night’s show, for instance. When a guy called her Hot Tub Harris (a reference to her softcore porn scene with Jason in the hot tub), she was like, ha, ha. When a guy named Greg insisted that she call him Bill-bro, she did. And when the whitest, most feminine man on the planet made her try break-dancing, she gave it a go.
But in truth, she had to be thinking…duuuuude. Come on. This is really the best you’ve got?
Of course, ABC starts out the show with Gillian telling us how heartbroken she is over Jason. In the meantime, we see her in front of all the familiar (to me, anyway) Vancouver landmarks. There she is jogging by the sea wall. There she is in front of the Gastown steam clock. There she is in her generic glass apartment building, which looks like every other glass building in town. Maybe the fact that I was just there last week makes it seem all the more familiar. Or the fact that I’ve been so often I sometimes run into people I know there on the street. Hmmmmm….
Anyway, then ABC (being ABC) has to show a few seriously cheesy clips of Gillian doing things she would never do. Like washing her car in a bathing suit wearing pumps. Or doing an impression of Tom Cruise in “Risky Business.” Or throwing her hat up in the air a la Marlo Thomas in “That Girl.” The fact that I know that reference means I’m really super old.
Oh and really ABC, you could have laid off the bikini shots a little. I get that you are trying to sex up this girl who is simply cute, not a supermodel. Did it ever occur to you that women (the ones who predominantly watch the show) prefer to see someone cute and realistic? Showing her tush every five seconds is so not necessary.
And then we get a preview of some of the guys before we officially meet them. They have to do this. ABC has two hours to kill. Let me just say that overall, I am not impressed with male haircuts these days. What is up with the super-spikey porcupine look? It makes them all look like farm animals.
The highlights? Michael the breakdancer from Astoria. Julian who jumps out of planes, wears bad suits and drives fast cars, which means he is making up for some shortcoming elsewhere. Stephen the New York lawyer with Seinfeld attitude and Kramer hair. Juan the Mama’s boy. Gred “bill-bro” the fitness model. Kyle the so-hip-it-hurts graphic designer who as it turns out has only been a New Yorker for all of six months (smirk). My least personal favorite has to be Wes, the country crooner from Austin. He literally oozes as he walks. I am clapping my hand to my head as I watch this. They should totally have let me cast for this girl. I know they want good television but they also want a love story. And these guys are quite a motley crew.
Okay. Time for Gillian to meet the guys. She tells Chris the Dork Harrison that “you have to slay a few dragons to find the right prince.” And she calls her dream man Mr. Invisible since she doesn’t know what he looks like yet. Let me tell you something. I think he’s still invisible.
First limo, here’s what we’ve got. These are all just initial impressions because I found these dudes hard to tell apart, since most of them shared the same spikey hair-do.
1. Kiptyn. Could have done without the dumb spelling of his name. He’s a cute boy from Cali, a business guy and a surfer dude.
2. Bryan. A big burly Oklahoma high school coach in a very pink shirt. He says…I want to sweep you off your feet. So he does, literally.
3. John P. From Indiana. Kinda stiff. Couldn’t tell you more than that.
4. Brian. An IT consultant. Calls her Hot Tub Harris. I would have sent him right back to the limo then and there.
5. Jake. Okay. This one’s sort of dreamy. He’s a blonde pilot. He gives her a set of wings. This one has potential, I think.
6. Dave. He’s a trucking contractor. I don’t know what that means. Is he a trucker? He’s very large. But he freezes up and can’t talk when he meets her. She tells him to “Man up and have a drink.” Oh sorry, that was me.
7. Tanner. From Kansas. Wearing a very green shirt. Blond, I think? Not memorable.
8. Michael the Breakdancer from Astoria. Shall henceforth be called Electric Boogalu. Am I the only one convinced he’s gay?
9. Robby. He’s a bartender. We literally never see him again. Can you say “filler?”
10. John H. from Idaho. Another porcupine-haired guy.
11. Sasha. He’s very big and apparently Serbian.
12. Brad. A financial guy from Chicago. Wearing a lot of purple. He makes a corny joke and he likes it. Note that Gillian considers herself a “personality” girl and might be charmed by a personality guy.
13. Mathue. Wearing a cowboy hat that has signatures of country stars on it. I’m totally yawning as I type this. Next!!
14. Simon. Englishman from Yorkshire who resembles Lurch. Really ABC? You really thought you had to run subtitles under him? He is speaking English, after all. Further proof ABC thinks we are all idiots.
15. Jesse. A winemaker from Napa. A family business, in fact. Gillian, for this reason alone, you need to spend some time with this dude. Sounds like a good life to me.
16. Julian. Couldn’t get my eyes off the dumb hanky in his suit pocket but does say some nice things to Jillian.
17. Wes. Ugh. This is why I can never live in Texas. I get the feeling the state is crawling with these types of guys. They don’t walk so much as slither.
18. Kyle from Brooklyn. I’m all for being yourself but man, did you really need to bust out the Members Jacket on the first meeting?
19. Adam from Long Beach. He’s an Olympic cyclist. Can’t tell you more about him because we never see him again.
20. Stephen. The lawyer from New York. Doing the Jewish sarcastic thing I am slightly familiar with.
21. Juan. I like this dude. Very earnest. He’s from Argentina so of course ABC busts out…no, not tango music. But something Mexican. Nice work, guys.
22. Caleb. A photographer from Tennessee with painfully tight jeans on.
23. Josh. He’s a lifeguard. You can tell. Too much time in the sun. He looks like someone’s dad.
24. Greg. “Wanna hug it out?” Oy. Insists on being called “Billbro.”
25. Mark. A pizza entrepreneur from Colorado. Taking a page from Gillian’s book, he claims he has a theory about women and pizza toppings. Very original, dude.
And so the fun begins. Here are a few cocktail party highlights. Kiptyn is the only dude that Gillian pulls aside. He tells the camera “she’s a lot more attractive than I expected.” Ouch! Jesse tries to sell her on the vinter’s life “wine is love juice.” Kyle from Brooklyn makes Gillian a pretend mustache tattoo and tries to act like the cool New Yorker he isn’t. Wes the Tool busts out his guitar and proceeds to serenade Gillain. Now, I’m not saying I don’t like guys with guitars. But come on.
For some reason Michael “Electric Boogaloo” and “Billbro” decide to have a breakdance-off. I’m going to assume that mass quantities of alcohol led to this. And then in comes Chris the Dork Harrison who says…surprise! We’re adding five more guys to this mix. I tried my best to take notes on these guys. All I got was Ed from Fort Lauderdale, someone from Philly, Ed from Chicago and Tanner from Texas. Seriously, do we need two Tanners? How confusing. Only this Tanner is wearing a sparkly jacket and has a foot fetish.
My feeling about Tanner the Foot Man? He’s a plant. He is too quirky to be real. He spends most of the party panting after Gillian’s feet in a slightly Humbert Humbert fashion. Finally, he convinces her to dip her toes in the pool to sneak a peek. Apparently, she passes his little test.
The 1st impression rose goes to David, the big trucking guy who can’t speak. Maybe it was a sympathy rose? Here is how the rest of the rose ceremony panned out. I’ll do my best to remember who is who but it got really tricky:
1. Jake. Cute pilot guy. Nice work.
2. Jesse. Winery guy. We’re on the same page.
3. Wes. Ugh! No! Retreat, retreat!
4. Mathue. The one in the cowboy hat. I don’t get it.
5. Michael Electric Boogalu. The producers made her.
6. Robert. Who is he? The bartender?
7. Ed. No idea who this is. One of the new guys?
8. Reid. Wait. Who is Reid?
9. Simon. The Englishman who looks like Lurch.
10. Kiptyn. This name is going to drive me crazy all season.
11. Mike. One of the new guys with big hair.
12. Brian D. Who the hell is he?
13. Sasha. The big blonde Serbian dude.
14. Julian. Big shoulder guy with the hanky in his pocket.
15. Tanner. The foot man. Total plant.
16. Mark. The pizza guy.
17. Brad. The regular guy wearing purple.
18. Tanner M. The ugly green shirt guy. Can we please lose a Tanner?
19. Juan. Cute architect dude.
And there we have it. Stephen from New York is astounded he was let go but says “she’s more country, I don’t even know what they do in the country. Maybe they don’t like awesome guys.” There, there Stephen. Come on back East where you belong. Jon the porcupine from Idaho seems astounded. And then it was time for ten minutes of upcoming scenes from this season.
Lots of stuff with Jake crying. Something about three guys having girlfriends. More Wes strumming his stupid guitar. And someone running by in a Speedo. Now if that isn’t enough to make you want to tune in, nothing is.
That’s all, friends.
Until next week,