Something happens in our house on Monday nights. It’s inevitable. I’m all settled in to watch The Bachelor and something winds up going on with Girlfriend. It is like she is bound and determined for me not to watch it. Hmmm. Perhaps she is disappointed in my taste in television or something.
Last night, we had some tummy issues to contend with. Let’s just leave it at that. In the meantime, I will blog about what I know about it. And I will keep it simple and do it in the form of a list for the sake of clarity, since I got most of the show in drips and drabs…and no, this is in not in any way a reference to Girlfriend’s tummy troubles:
1. Stephanie coped with the grief of losing her husband by watching Jason on the Bachelorette. Seriously? Really? Worse, Jason says (without even a glimmer of sarcasm or irony) something like “that’s what this is about, helping people.”
2. Chris Harrison is an even bigger tool than I thought. How about when he asks Jason “what really went on in the tent with Molly” and says “you practically consummated a marriage with Jillian.” What. A. Tool.
3. Jason is a sucky rapper. Duh.
4. Someone at ABC thinks bathtub water slurping noises are like, the height of comedy. How many times did we need to see those clips last night? Why not just get a fart machine if it's all so goddamn hilarious?
5. Trista and Ryan shouldn’t breed. It’s too late…they already have a kid and another on the way. Still. Two of the world’s most annoying humans can only equal super-annoying spawn.
6. Trista’s simpering baby voice is right up there with Celine Dion’s singing voice in terms of torture devices to get people to confess to crimes.
7. Glad to see Bachelor Charlie and Sarah are still together. Sorry to hear the reason he broke up is he’s a lush.
8. Do you care what has happened to the other rejected bachelors/bachelorettes? No? Me neither. But hooray! We get an update anyway! Apparently, Jesse is hooking up with some forgettable blonde from the Matt Grant Bachelor show. And Amanda (from Matt Grant) is bumping and grinding with Graham (from Deeanna’s show). And Fred (from Deeanna’s show) is in love with Noelle (from Matt Grant’s show). All the rejects are hooking up!! Isn’t that fabulous? Still don’t care? Nah, didn’t think so.
9. Thought Natalie was a nightmare before? Surprise! She’s worse than you thought. Defensive, overly tan, overly processed blonde who has managed to alienate herself from every other girl in the house. My favorite part? When she tells Chris Harrison “you need to calm down.”
10. The brass at ABC is already setting up the storyline for Melissa to get dumped. Raising red flags all over the place. We see scenes of Jason’s mom saying “she just like Deanna.”
11. And finally, it appears as though good old Deanna will be making her appearance next week. We see some stumpy legs moving ungracefully out of a car and yup, it’s her all right. Can’t wait to hear the dynamite advice she is sure to offer Jason.
12. In case you’re wondering, next week will not only offer two whole hours of Jason making his selection…but an entire DRAMATIC HOUR AFTERWARDS where we will dissect his selection. Or as the rumor mill has it…where he'll change his mind.
Okay, friends. There’s the show. Or the gist of it anyway. Next week is the big show, so get ready for it. Hopefully, we won’t all be throwing things at the camera and screaming at our little smurf-man, Jay-Jay.