Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Bachelor Round-Up…Otherwise known as ZZZZZZZZ

No, I did not fall asleep last night. This could be because it is officially jellybean season so I was popping them in my mouth like they were, well, candy. So I was totally jacked up on sugar and excited for the festivities to begin…. the overnight dates in everyone’s fantasy place of choice, New Zealand.

Now. I’m sure it’s very lovely there and all the hobbits and elves look nice against its backdrop. But still....New Zealand? For some reason, a few years ago, it seemed as though everyone was shooting commercials there. I asked a producer about it and he muttered something about there being more livestock there than people. Which considering how annoying people can be sometimes, may not necessarily be a bad thing. Anyhow…

All I’m saying is…if most of the interesting stuff is what happens INSIDE the hotel rooms, why haul everyone clear across the globe to film the show in New Zealand? Oh right, ADVERTISING. I should know the answer to this by now. Not sure New Zealand actually got their money’s worth though. It just rained constantly….something I’m sure the Seattle-based Jason is used to but it did not make me want to run out and buy a ticket there.

The first date is with Jillian. He picks her up in a helicopter and they run towards each other and smack into each other with so much force, it’s gotta hurt. We see lots of New Zealand footage…pretty mountains, pretty trees, a guy dressed as a hobbit holding a sign that says “come visit.” Jillian keeps telling Jason how into him she is, perhaps sensing that he doesn’t feel the same way. She says “I’m looking for my best friend.” He says “I’m looking for a passionate connection.” Hmmm. They pose on a cliff, doing the Titanic move a la “I’m king of the world!” But they don’t fool me. Girlfriend needs to get busy with Jay-jay and quickly. And stop talking all that “best friends” nonsense. Guys don’t care about that.

So it’s night time and Jillian gets all gussied up in some shiny white dress and black boots. They go to a winery and she tells him he gives her butterflies and that “No one’s more meant for me than you are. By the way…do you have something you want to give me tonight?” Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Honest, she asked him that. How could Jason resist making some kind of off-color joke? Why? Because he has no sense of humor, that’s why. Shame. Instead, he hands her the card to the fantasy suite which Jillian gratefully accepts and says “can you handle a whole night with me?” And Jason, summoning up his best inner Canadian voice says “without a dowbt.”

And then suddenly, we are in soft core porn land. Jason and Jill hop in the hot tub and all of a sudden all we see are close-ups of body parts and rubbing bodies under water and Jillian grabbing his bum. What is up ABC? Aren’t you owned by Disney? Damn! This is not Disney-esque! There was some actual grinding between the legs going on. Shocking! You’d think if the poor girl put out on national television she’d get to stay another week but no. Next!

Next day, next rain storm. Molly does not run into Jason’s arms but she does jog which is better than she did last week on the golf course. He takes her to a bridge where they will go bungee jumping. I’m sorry but that is a sucky date. Between that and the camping date, Molly is getting a raw deal. They make all kinds of puns where they compare jumping off a bridge to entering a relationship and Jason is so nervous his poor little nips are hard. And then they jump. Golf clap.

They drink tea and talk about the experience. Molly says she’s a mess but somehow she is still wearing that damned grey eye shadow she loves so much. Someone must have sold it to her for a lot of money at a make-up counter and she wants to use it. Anyway, Molly has a list of 20 questions for Jay-jay, very important things she must know before marrying him, such as what is your favorite ice cream flavor? You favorite body part? Your favorite place? Very tellingly, he says Greece is his favorite place, probably because he imagines the place is jammed with Deeanna look-alikes. Who doesn’t look unlike Melissa. Hmmmmm.

Jason says “I need to pull a lot out of Molly…we need a serious conversation.” Molly talks about the wall around her heart but tells Jason she is falling in love with him. Then they smooch and she asks Jason her 20th question….”will you spend the night with me in the fantasy suite?” Jason thinks about it for like one tenth of a second and then says yes. They hop into a bubble bath with bathing suits on and Molly says “I look forward to sleeping next to Jason tonight.” Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. By the way, anyone else think there was an excessive amount of rose petals everywhere? Like, the hobbits went a little crazy with it.

Next day, next dame. Melissa sees Jason and does a herkie before landing in his arms. They are going on Winston Churchill’s old boat. Melissa reminds us that she’s always been the dumpee. Jason reminds us that Melissa is just like Deanna and his ex-wife. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, if you ask me. Of course, they find each other totally irresistible.

Mel and Jay jay hop in a hot tub and talk about the fact that he hasn’t met her parents. Dude. Get over it already. I think ABC is trying to create drama where there really isn’t any. Then they have dinner together and continue to harp on the subject. Jay jay seems to feel better when she tells him she really likes her brother. He hands her the card to the fantasy suite. They get there and Mel tells him she is head over heels in love with him. Uh oh. Jason gives her the look. You know the one. Like he’s in love with her. They may as well stop the show now. Put a fork in him, he’s done.

Jason says “Having Melissa to myself all night is a dream come true.” The camera pulls away with them kissing on the bed. No porn edit either so you know they are gearing up for her to be the one.

Okay. There is still like 35 minutes left of the show. Now how are they going to kill time? I hope this means Deanna’s gonna show up but no. All we’ve got is Chris Harrison and his freaking hair plugs, trying to get Jason to talk about how confused he is. Oh and the girls have made a video for Jay jay. He busts into tears when Mel’s face appears. He is so transparent.

Rose ceremony time. Jason is a mess, voice cracking, etc. It must be hard to dump someone you just had sex with a couple of days ago. He lets Jillian go. He walks her out and tells her he felt like they were on the path to becoming best friends. Jillian tells him she dreamed of a life with him and Ty. In the limo ride home, she says she is looking for someone who loves me for me. Jason, you are an idiot. This was by far the most interesting person on the show. If ABC has any common sense, they will bring her back as the Bachelorette, she is cute, fun and actually seems to have a brain. I’m sure they’ll make us watch someone else far more annoying.

Next week is the Girls Tell All Episode. I always personally find these kind of boring but of course, it won’t stop me from watching. I also want to let you guys know there is a blogger named realitysteve who is claiming to have inside information on how the show ends. Supposedly, something is not quite on the up and up….such as maybe Jason changes his mind and proposes to more than one girl or something like that. In any case, I have no idea if he is a crackpot or not but he seems to have ABC trying to spin it their own way. So whatever is going on, Reality Steve has ABC taking notice so he must know something. If you want to investigate yourself, go to realitysteve.com. And no I don’t know him and yes, he seems weird. Just wanted to let you guys know. And I’m telling you, if the big “twist” is Jason winding up with no one, I am seriously writing a letter.

That’s it, friends. Enjoy the week.


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