This is how I know I’m a geek. As if there was ever any doubt.
I spent a shameful part of yesterday cruising the Internet, looking for scoop on what might happen on The Bachelorette Finale. One blogger promised that Ed had a girlfriend and there would much drama surrounding this. Another claimed she chose no one. Even Chris Harrison promised “most dramatic season finale ever!”
Ha. I think not.
Certainly not as dramatic as Brad Womack choosing no one. Or Jason picking one and then the other. What happened last night? She picked Ed. Otherwise known as E.D. Code name, Green Shorts. Perhaps if he didn’t wear those so tight, the E.D. wouldn’t be much of a problem.
So last night Jilly brought her family (mom, dad, granny and look-alike cousin) to Hawaii to meet the two remaining guys. I’ll be honest, I missed most of Ed meeting the parents, though I hear he put on a coconut shell bikini and danced with Jilly’s dad. And of course, that he asked for her hand in marriage. I tried to dedicate two whole hours to the show but really, it’s just impossible. At 8pm, Girlfriend and I were having debates over reading Fancy Nancy versus Dora the Explorer and deciding whether or not Hoho the Monkey was an acceptable bedtime substitute for the orange Care Bear. Don’t know what I’m talking about? You might someday…
Anyway, I tuned into Kiptyn attempting to make nice nice with Jilly’s parents. Ah, Kiptyn. Mr. “Nine-pack” (Jilly’s words, not mine….wouldn’t there have to be an even number to be on both sides of the stomach?) There’s nothing technically wrong with Kiptyn. It’s just he’s a bit too…perfect. And I have to say, it seemed like he was phoning it in a bit with Jilly’s family. Either that or he is the most boring person on the planet. Which is entirely possible.
Then Jilly asks her family what they think. Mom and the cousin like Kiptyn. Dad likes Ed. No, Dad loves Ed. Dad wants Jillian to marry Ed. Or maybe Dad wants to marry Ed?
Jilly then pulls her cousin aside for some “girl talk” where she politely tells her that she doesn’t want to rip off Ed’s clothes. Cousin looks at her like, duh. Go for the guy with the nine-pack! Whatever the hell that is.
Next day, off to the Big Island with the two loves of Jilly’s life. First up, date with Ed. Jillian says “Ed and I are a basket full of nerves. There’s a lot of pressure here.” Why? Because Ed talks the talk but he can’t walk the walk. Hope he brought his little blue pill!
First off, Jill and Ed take a helicopter ride into a volcano. Ed seems jealous of all the exploding lava. The two of them make out a lot. He says “I don’t know if it was the volcano that was heating things up but it sure was hot in there.” I’m shaking my head.
Then they land and take a hike to a waterfall, to a secluded spot where they make out some more. I’m fairly certain he is eating Jilly’s chin.
Then Ed busts out the green shorts and they go swimming in the waterfall. He tells Jilly he will never leave her again. And that he wants to take her back to his room. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Jill says, I’m worried he is going to stress out again.
But ABC wants to make it perfectly clear that isn’t the case. Not only do they show Ed and Jill in a darkened bedroom, they actually show the lights going out. In case there was ever any doubt in your mind, they then cut to a shot of an exploding volcano with lava pouring out. I considered throwing things at the television at this point but thought my husband wouldn’t appreciate it.
Next day, next dude. Kiptyn of the fine abs. Jilly and Kiptyn make out on a surfboard, something I wasn’t sure was even possible. Then they’re in the bedroom, making out while holding wine glasses, which is another neat trick. Kiptyn tells her he wants to spend his life with her. Truthfully, JIlly looks a little bored. But she touches his abs and she’s back in business.
Okay. Next morning. Proposal day! JIlly wakes up and says she knows who she wants to be with. In the meantime, Kip and Ed go ring shopping. Kiptyn picks out a nice-looking three carat ring. What the hell, he’s not paying for it. I don’t remember much about it but thought it was nice, if a bit bling-y. Ed picked out a pear-shaped diamond that frankly, looked a little mafia wife to me. You may disagree with me but it is possible to have too many diamonds.
Jilly dresses in a bridesmaidy looking pink dress. She even does a ridiculous little twirl in front of the mirror. Who does that? Besides Cinderella. She tells Chris Harrison she is nervous. He says “you know what you have to do” and escorts her onto this weird platform with water on either side. It would only be cool if they had sharks in the water.
And who’s out of the limo first?? Why, it’s Kiptyn! Now, Kiptyn has never been dumped before. So he kind of assumes he’s going to win this thing. The abs have never been turned down before. Kiptyn grabs Jilly’s hands and start telling her all the reasons why he wants to marry her. Jilly starts to cry and says she has fallen for someone else. Kiptyn immediately gets pretty business-like and says, well, Ed’s a lucky man. He practically shakes her hand. Kip seems a bit more teary in the limo but I never really bought it.
And then…you assume the next limo will pull up. Instead, it’s a cab. Out steps Reid in a suit with sneakers. He’s here to save the day, to keep Jillian from dealing with a lifetime of E.D. He tells us a bunch of times “that he had to pull multiple strings to get here.” Uh huh. Right. Like the ABC producers weren’t rubbing their hands together with glee.
Jillian sees him and puts her hand on her heart. They hug and I am distracted by something weird on Jillian’s elbow. And then I notice her foundation isn’t well-blended. Sorry, I totally have ADD sometimes.
Jill puts her head on Reid’s head as he says “I was an idiot. I came back to tell you I loved you.” She says “I was falling in love with you, I missed everything we had.” Does this sound like someone who should accept a proposal from someone else? I think not! Reid goes on and says “I’m like a four year old, I love you this much.” She says “I let you go because you couldn’t tell me how you felt.”
And then Reid gets down on one knee and proposes and she looks kind of happy. Then she realizes she is supposed to be getting a proposal from Ed and pulls Reid off his knees and says “I need to think about this.” He says “what do you need to think about/” She says “I was thinking I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone else today.”
And that folks, is exactly why this season should have ended with no proposal accepted. But I think Jilly found it hard to resist.
So Jilly goes inside to ponder Reid and Reid waits outside, sweating like a…what do people sweat like? I almost said racehorse but that is something else.
It seems like Jilly contemplates a long time but I noticed they put one shot of her up several times so…who knows. Chris Harrison decides to help her out.
Chris: Where’s your gut?
Jilly: How am I supposed to make a decision like this?
Chris: Because you just know. Are you excited by the prospect of Ed proposing? Then you know what you need to do.
So JIlly marches out and tells Reid no. Jillian walks him and his sad sneakers out. Reid keeps saying it doesn’t make sense and “some people are better in this situation than others.” Reid is back in the cab, saying he has no regrets but it just doesn’t make sense sense and that he was too late.
And then Ed shows with his purple tie and a pear-shaped diamond. Jillian practically tackles him when he proposes. She is cheering and jumps into his arms. I think for a moment that she might do a split. There is happy music as we see a montage of the Ed/Jilly love story. In case you’re wondering what to buy them for their wedding, might I suggest a lifetime supply of the little blue pill?
And that’s it, folks. Season’s over! Unless you count tonight…which is After the Final Rose. My guess is they bring back Reid to be the next bachelor. We shall see!
Thanks for tuning into the blog. Come back and visit sometime.