Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Bachelorette Round-Up "I'm not just a pilot..."

So I’m back from vacation and still living in post-vacation non-reality. Which means I am going to attempt to accentuate the positive. Being in places like Vermont will do that to a person. Forgive me. I’m sure it will only last another day or two.

The positive: I caught most of last night’s show. The reality: I only missed the first fifteen minutes but that was the entire length of Kimptyn’s date with Jillian. Damn!

Oh well. I’m sure it was just more shots of his crazy abs and pointy ears. Was that positive? I’m trying here, folks. Don’t worry, I promise not to turn into one of those people who says things like “Smile! Friday’s almost here!”

Okay. So I tune in just in time for Jilly’s date with Reid. They are going on a helicopter ride. Reid is excited because he’s never been on one. Well, who has? Mostly cops, I would imagine. At least those are the kinds of helicopters we always see in my neighborhood. Reid and Jilly are like making out the whole time. Always a good sign in my book, if you can’t keep your hands off each other. Guess the helicopter pilot thinks so too because that’s when he tells them that “not only is he a pilot but an ordained minister, too.” Jillian grins. Reid begins to sweat. And thus, begins the problem with this date.

The positive: they’re in Hawaii. Yay! The negative: Jilly wants Reid to say he loves and her and will propose soon. Uh oh.

Call me unromantic but…I think a proposal at the end of this has always been a bad idea. Just pick someone and date them in the real world. Saying you will marry someone after six weeks of non-exclusive dating is silly. Jilly doesn’t seem to agree and really presses Reid on the subject.

JILL: Did I freak you out when I talked about marriage?


JILL: So what’s going on in your head?

REID: Well it’s all been very fast. It feels rushed. I don’t want to see you with other guys.

Which is a good sign, right? If a guy doesn’t want to share you? But that night, Jillian continues the full court press.

JILL (PICKING A BUG OFF OF REID LIKE ONE OF THOSE MONKEYS YOU SEE ON ANIMAL PLANET): So are you ready to propose at the end of this?

REID: Maybe. Possibly.

JILL: You’re like the Magic Eight Ball right now. All signs point to…

Reid continues to hem and haw. Jilly really wants that ring. Instead, she pulls out the fantasy suite card. Reid thinks it’s a good idea. Well, duh. He tells Jillian he is not good at the L word. Poor thing can’t even get the word out.

Next shot (after the huge light-up sign of THE WESTIN HOTEL….and now a word from our sponsor!)….is Jilly and Reid in a very bubbly bath holding up champagne. Could it be more staged? Could Reid look more embarrassed? Could anyone be more humiliated? Which leads us to our next date…

Ed. Or E.D. as we shall now call him. Why? Because our friend needs the little blue pill. Viva Viagra, my friend! Here is an example of how you can do everything right, say everything right but it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that schwing. I’m not sure if I should be horrified or amused that ABC decided to be straight up with this. Okay, last erection pun, I promise. Maybe.

So Ed and Jilly ride a catamaran. She straddles him underwater. He surprises her by flying in his parents to meet her. Jilly LOVES his parents. OMG, you guys love to play cards? I LOVE TO PLAY CARDS! So much enthusiasm, I wanted to….stop, stop, stop. Must be positive for a few more hours.

So Ed’s mom and dad look a little stunned to be on television. His father says, “What the hell are we doing here?” His dad is pissed he left his job to chase some girl on tv. Meanwhile, Jilly does her best to cozy up to Mom, even telling her she “did a great job raising him.” Come on. Could you possibly kiss up more? And then Ed’s dad and Jilly talk and he gets all choked up, saying “I’ve never seen Ed put his feelings on his shirt sleeves.” Oh dear. This is getting corny, here.

Alone time at last! Ed tells Jilly she is perfect for him. Jilly comes out in only a low-cut white sweater because really, what says romance more than a sweater? Then she busts out some oil, ABC turns on the soft core porn music and she straddles him. All right, ABC…way to be subtle. They do that camera shot through the window that lets you know it’s loving time. And then…uh oh. A light goes on in the bedroom!

Jilly says the loving feeling wasn’t there.

Oh sure, the loving feeling like you love your teddy bear was there. But not the kind that makes you want to get sweaty.

Birds do it. Bees do it. But Ed…he can’t do it.

It might have been the most humiliating thing ABC’s shown us in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. And that’s saying something.

JIlly has a sit down with Chris. He asks her about E.D. and his ED. Chris says “pressure has affected the physical part of the relationship.” She nods soberly. And then…woo-hoo! Each guy sends Jilly a video message. Pretty non-memorable except for E.D. who lays it on thick, saying he loves her and wants to propose. Seriously, she’s not going to fall for that, is she? Is she?

Rose ceremony time. Ed thinks it’s a good idea to bust out a lavender jacket, blue shirt and white pants. Because no woman can resist that.

And the first rose goes to Kimpton.

And the second goes to….ED?????

Really? The guy you said you had no chemistry with? Really??? Just because he’s willing to show up with a ring….one that ABC is paying for?

Uh, okay. I could say more but I’m being positive this week.

In the meantime, poor Reid. He looks really sad. She tells him they are at different places in their life. In the limo, he says I was falling in love with her. I screwed up and should have told her how I was feeling sooner. Meanwhile, Jilly sobs. Ed tries to comfort her, holding her in his arms. Apparently, that part of his body works.

Next week, it’s the Men Tell All Show. Expect lots of foot jokes from Tanner.

That’s all, folks. Happy Tuesday.


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