Boys vs. Girls

So as we speak I am sitting in focus groups listening to 9-year-old boys talk. Some are so cute you want to take them home. Others well...you feel for their parents.

But here's what strikes me the most....the utter conviction with which they speak. I only say this because sadly, many girls at this age don't tend to do this. I don't know when it happens but as some point in elementary school, girls start caring what people think. Not saying boys don't but not in the same way. And this makes me really, really sad.

This is why kids' focus groups are usually just all girls or all boys...the boys overwhelm the girls and they never get to speak. The thing is, in real life, this obviously isn't the case. So what does that mean for the girls?

Right now, A. is only two and doesn't care if her playmates are male or female. And I can't see her not sharing her feelings, since she was born opinionated from the very start. Kept refusing to wear her little hat in the hospital and everything.

But I suppose a time might come when that won't be the case; when someone's opinion will matter so much that she might not speak up at all. I hope it doesn't but it might. In the meantime, she seems quite comfortable asserting herself. I'll remind myself to be grateful for it the next time she tells me "more Elmo" or "ice pop...now!" Not that she'll get what she's asking for...but at least she's speaking up.

Jason the Bachelor is engaged!

Good for him. Hope it works out. Here's the link:

http://tvwatch.people.com/2008/12/10/the-bachelors-jason-mesnick-im-engaged/


The show starts January 5th. Woo-hoo!

Sulking in a Winter Wonderland

Everyone has their own holiday memory. Mine happens to take place on a beach.

I think I was seventeen or eighteen and my friend Laura and I went to the beach on Christmas Day. Mostly because we didn't celebrate Christmas and therefore had nothing else to do, unless we wanted to partake in the customary Jewish tradition of Chinese food and movie. We sat on the beach, soaking up the sunshine (long before we worried about the horrors of cancer and premature aging) listening to "Feliz Navidad" on the radio. I remember thinking to myself...why would I ever possibly live anywhere else?

And then I did. I couldn't resist NYC...the grit, the dirt, insert your own cliche here. I moved in the summer, oohed and ahhed through my first encounter with fall leaves and then...it was winter.

And boy was it. I had never owned a pair of boots before unless you counted my white ankle-high ones with fringe I paired with my white denim jeans in high school. And that is something that is worth forgetting.

I quickly learned that while snow appeared fluffy and soft it was actually wet and quickly turned grey. All the leaves dropped off the trees and stayed that way for like, forever. I also learned important lessons such as, just because the sun is shining doesn't mean it's warm.

You would think after more than 15 years here, I would have learned to like the cooler weather. Or at least, not hate it. My northern friends roll their eyes as I start complaining, usually around November. Usually around this time I start to contemplate moving somewhere warmer. My northern friends say "I would miss the change of seasons." And I say "I wouldn't." But I would miss New York. And so I stay.

But don't expect to get me on a sled. Or excited about the first snow. I will admire the white stuff from the comfort of my couch, hot cocoa in hand, dreaming of the palm trees.

The plane! The plane!

There are two kinds of airline passengers in this world. People who are flying with kids and everyone else who hates them.

Of course, I am not saying I don't understand the haters. Trust me. I've flown plenty and I've had more than one flight where I gritted my teeth, turned up my headset and counted the minutes until we landed. But still. I never thought kids shouldn't be allowed on planes.

I heard this sentiment today on facebook and everyone was up in arms one way or the other. And interestingly, I've heard this before from other friends...who don't have kids. As someone who has one, it's hard not to get all prickly about it.

Here's why.....I literally do everything in my power to ensure that A. has a good flight. I book our flights around her naptime. She's got ample milk, snacks, water, crayons, books, stuffed animals...we even try to fly Jet Blue so she's got television.
And I can say that about 90 percent of the time, she does just great. Lots of people to flirt with on planes so she's happy. 90 percent of the time, people tell me how good she was. I'm usually sweating and covered with sour milk and Cheddar Bunny crumbs at that point but I always say "thanks."

But then of course, there is that 10 percent. Oh, the ugly 10 percent.

Trust me, we're working hard to make sure she isn't screaming, kicking the chair in front of her, climbing all over the ground or smacking the tush of a flight attendant (which she did on a really small plane once....eek....).

However, I don't think it's worth keeping her off planes altogether because every once in a while, she utters a peep. She deserves to see her relatives who live in other parts of the country. And quite frankly, I've sat near much worse fliers who were a whole lot older. Like the itchy man who scratched (psoriasis?) all the way to Vancouver. Or the exceptionally smelly teenager who made things worse by opening up a bag of Corn Nuts (are you kidding me?) and then Doritos. Or the super loud talkers who should at least have had the decency to be interesting.

You see? I don't think those people shouldn't be allowed to fly. Even though they made my flights less than pleasant.

Until someone comes up with an airline designed just for kids, we're all just going to have to find a way to get along. In the meantime, if kids really bother you so much...maybe YOU SHOULDN'T FLY TO FLORIDA IN THE HOLIDAY SEASON. Or spring break. Or possibly, ever. Because grandparents live in Florida and so technically, all flights to and from Florida are the Grandparents Express. Which means you are actually on the kids' turf, not the other way around. Although they are usually kind enough not to complain about your presence.

That said, I apologize in advance to anyone flying with me to Florida this Saturday. A's naptime changed since I booked the flight. Best to take those headsets they'll be offering you.

Oh dear....this isn't good Bachelor news...

http://www.usmagazine.com/news/bachelor-winner-mary-delgado-arrested-again+

Oh, you have got to be kidding me...

Deanna the Bachelorette has gone Hollywood. Pulease. She is hosting her own show for brides! Unreal, she has to be the most awkward person on television ever. And all that blinking, ugh. Read this link:

http://tvwatch.people.com/2008/11/13/bachelorette-deannas-new-job-wedding-show-host/

An afternoon at the germ box

So we're a little obsessed with germs in our house. I think it all started because A. was premature; the doctor got us all worried about RSV and all the terrible things that could happen.

But now A. is two and we still are. We take off our shoes when we walk in. We purell. We Clorox wipe.

Yes, we are those people. The ones I once mocked before I became a parent.

Not that it helps....A. got the stomach flu 4 times last year and too many cold to count. This fall, she's had stomach flu once and two back-to-back colds. So at a certain point, you have to ask yourself if any of your germ prevention is making a bit of difference.

So this weekend, I took a major step. I let A. go into the sandbox. Now if you're a germ freak, this place is like your worst nightmare. I mean, animals poop in there....at least this is what my mother used to tell me when I was a kid. She said it was a like "a litter box for stray cats." Hmmmm. Come to think of it, maybe I inherited this germ phobia.

What did I learn about the sand box? For once thing, A. spent most of the time trying to make it neater. She kept trying to tidy up the sand on the edges of it. She had no interest in actually building things. She also didn't appreciate her hands getting dirty. When she got out, she not only wiped her hands but started trying to wipe down her sneakers too. The germ freak in me nearly burst with pride.

I also learned that parents put their kids in the sandbox so that they can talk amongst themselves. Three hipster dads were next to me chatting with each other as they all tried to defend why they named their sons Jack, the most popular boys' name in our neighborhood and quite possibly the planet. One said "well, we named him after Jackie Robinson." Okay, so why don't you call him Jackie? Dad #2 said, "well, our last name is Lapin which means rabbit, so his name is Jack Rabbit." Oh, you're so cool, dude. The third guy just said yeah a lot so I assume he named him that because he thought it was original. They all stood around in their ironic t-shirts and baseball caps as their sons tried to knock A. over. Yet another reason to hate the sand box.

The good news is, the germ box appears not to have gotten A. sick (yet). Just sandy. We're still finding sand everywhere....all over the bottles of Purell, Clorox wipes and even the giant plastic bubble we keep normally keep her in.

"No sand" A. said to me. I couldn't agree more.

Peace, man.

I'm not sure when we taught A. to say that but for some reason, it has really stuck with her. She even knows how to make the peace symbol with her fingers.

Oddly enough, she's been saying it unprompted lately. That and sighing deeply and dramatically. And wanting us to do the same. Is this her way of telling us we need to relax?

Which of course, we need to do....even when things couldn't be more stressful. Personally and globally. The election has been a constant obsession and while I love it...it's been really stressing me out, too.

So today when I went to the voting booth, I was surprised I didn't feel nervous like I thought I would. Everyone in my neighborhood was pleasant and smiling, even as we stood in crazy lines. And when I made my selection at the voting booth (gotta love the old-fashioned kind...so satisfying to pull the red lever)...I finally felt at peace.

Now, I can't say I will feel that way tonight watching the returns come in. But for the moment, I am calm. I believe in my heart that everyone will make the right choice. And for the next few hours...before all the pundits start making me doubt....I am determined to hold onto this feeling.

Peace, man. Deep breath.

The curse of the Bachelor/Bachelorette continues....

no more Deanna and Jesse. Here is the video of Jesse announcing the break-up:

http://deannaandjesse.com/


In case you need a break from the 24/7 election coverage...which I do, despite being obsessed...

N

It's a big news week....

particularly in Bachelor Land.

Sorry, but I just can't write any blogs about the economy....too depressing. So here is your mindless fluff for the day. Think of it as your four 'o clock piece of candy:

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/carrie-underwood-steps-out-with-bachelor-travis-stork/14820?nc

Enjoy.

"Nope."

This is what A. had to say when I tried to get her in her Halloween costume to go the Botanical Gardens festival this weekend.

Mind you, it was last year's costume since this year's hadn't arrived yet. But still. I thought she'd jump at the chance to wear animal ears.

So it was with great anticipation that we presented her with her newly arrived costume yesterday. It's a girl vampire costume, inspired by her great love for the Count on Sesame STreet (and our current obsession with True Blood).

"Isn't it great? It's got a velvet collar. And it's a dress...."

To which she replied, "Nope."

Damn! Have I really underestimated the personality of a two-year-old? I assumed I had one more year to put her into a costume that I like before she demanded to become a princess.

And then she truly squashed all my hopes and dreams by uttering one word "tutu." As in the pink fluffy thing my aunt's friend bought her that she wears from time to time.

"Wouldn't you rather be The Count's Sister?"

"Nope."

Stay tuned.

Pimping out their unborn child....

hey, why not? Scott Baio did it....

the Sutters are up to it again:

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20235933,00.html

The British Bachelor finds a soulmate who doesn't look like a porn star...

which is a start, anyway.

I always liked Matt. Who can resist a tall boy with a British accent?


http://tvwatch.people.com/2008/10/23/bachelor-star-matt-grant-finds-love-again/

Why there are no pictures on my blog....

quite simply....because it's my world. And I don't want them.

You see, I write ads all day. And let's face it, even if you write a rocking headline, it's really all about the picture. That's what grabs 'em first. If something's pretty with a sucky headline, they'll look at it. Just the law of the land.

So in my world (the land of nanifesto)...it's all about the words, baby. Sorry.

Plus I'm also too lazy (and technologically challenged) to bother adding visual stimulation. You'll just have to make do with my opinions.

Luckily, I've got a lot of them.

Just think of it as a book. One without an actual plot. And one that's free.

I promise to write something halfway humorous tomorrow.

Have a good night.

I was really going to try not to be superficial...

but why start now?

I'm talking, of course, about the debate last night. Clearly, if you've been reading my blog, you know exactly where I stand politically. So I won't bore you with all the reasons why I thought Obama won last night. I'm here to talk about much more important matters; who actually looked the part of president last night?

Was it the guy in the dark pinstriped suit which made him look even paler than he was, his white hair and skin the exact same color? In a word, no. If your wife is as rich as McCain's is, there is no excuse for not having the perfect suit that's going to read well on television. I'm not saying it wasn't expensive or well-tailored. I'm saying, those pinstripes seemed to vibrate. And it was too dark for him. And playing off the yellow teeth....shudder. (Dude, Crest Whitestrips work wonders....and no, they don't pay me to say that).

I know this is not a beauty contest—though someone might want to remind Sarah Palin that. But if you don't think in the era of television, these sorts of things matter....might I remind you of Nixon/Kennedy debate? Not that I was there, but apparently Nixon sweated up a storm. But apparently, it made a difference.

What makes someone look presidential? Posture does wonders. Obama sat straight, spine erect, the entire time. He never appeared to fidget nor did he make annoying little guffaws the way McCain did. And you know what? It was incredibly effective.

So. Turns out your mom was right. Sit up straight. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt when someone is talking.

And most importantly....brush your teeth.

A little bit of random Bachelorette news...

Trista and Ryan are expecting again.

Check it out:

http://perezhilton.com/2008-10-14-another-bachelorette-baby


Meaning you can expect to read about every excruciating detail in US Weekly soon. Trista likes to share.


Have a nice day.

N

Oh Pollyanna, where are you?

I've never been one of those people who walks around telling people to "smile." I always felt that was disingenuous....if you're felling crappy, why fake it?

And it's been pretty crappy lately.It's been rather hard to turn on the news. Everyone's fighting about politics (myself included...it's hard not to), the economy's tanking, the world outlook, well....why am I writing this since everyone knows it?

There's a lot of fear out there right now. And fear is exactly what's causing the economy to tank (well, that and lots of other things/mistakes but that is an over- simplified explanation). So right now...perhaps what everyone needs is a good old-fashioned dose of faking it.

How does one do that when there's not a lot to smile about? Sugar helps. So does sunshine-y, breezy October days. Dancing like an idiot. Singing off-tune at the top of your lungs. Tina Fey is a brilliant antidote. So is Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. When in doubt, play peek-a-boo with a baby. Or try my favorite thing to do, stare at people in a crowd and try to picture what they looked like when they were, say, six months old.

If asked A what to do, she'd say "tolor" (color).

So tonight, eat some ice cream. You deserve it. And if you want to be a super-bad-ass, cover it with hot fudge.

There now. At least I didn't tell you to "smile."

We've got press!

Admittedly, it must have been a slow news week in Brooklyn. Still, we'll take press where we can get it. See this link for the article on our Barack Bake Sale:

http://www.brooklynpaper.com/stories/31/40/31_40_cl_bake_sale.html?comm=1#feedback

Brooklyn loves Barack....

and baked goods, apparently. Our Barack Bake Sale was a huge hit! Not only did we raise a pretty substantial amount of money ($585) but we met a lot of interesting people, too.

My friend Karen already blogged about it (with pictures..if you're interested, go to brooklynsbackyard.blogspot.com) but I need to say a few words about some intriguing characters we met along the way. Starting with the assortment of folks we met while putting up the fliers. One was an angry woman, who felt the need to scold Karen several times for posting things illegally. Another was a confused guy who saw thought Barack might be in attendance. While our baked good were really delicious...and we were all gung-ho Barack, not sure he really has the time to make a campaign appearance in the quite possibly the most liberal neighborhood in the world. Another was a dog walker, who perhaps spends most of his time talking to animals and therefore, really wanted to hang with us.

The bakesale started with a woman camped out on my stoop after seeing one of the fliers. Quickly, we got it all together.

Here were some of our customers:

A guy named Adam, who seemed to think we might be working for the campaign and quite possibly, wanted to spend more quality time with Karen. A girl who had no cash on her and ran to get her checkbook to buy some cookies. The woman in the car who purchased lemon bars and drove back around to tell us how amazing they were. The wheat-free girl who was thrilled to see No More Condolezza Rice Crispy Bars were on the menu. The dad with twin boys who spent 30 bucks on baked goods and walked away with Amanda's All-American Patriot Apple Pie, looking like he'd just won lotto. The cute sixth grade teacher who if he's single, should let us know, we have a potential prospect for him. The local newspaper guy who took like 50 pictures of our bake sale so perhaps we'll get our 15 minutes of fame, though I am personally hoping this won't count for mine.

Understandably, lots of people wanted to talk politics. The opinions varied, including a Republican who thanked us "for not screaming at him" and bought some cookies. Hey, if we can't convert you, we'll be happy to take your Republican money and hand it over to Obama, thank you very much. Only one woman truly predicted a gloomy election day ahead, due to " people in the South who are prejudiced" but we assured her we knew of lots of people in the South who were voting Obama. I think she was perhaps a bit prejudiced against Southerners herself. We told her we had high hopes, particularly because people in Florida (our people, anyway) were leaning towards Obama these days. In any case, she left smiling.

Everyone wanted to do their part and we made it easy for them....they only had to buy baked goods. Which let's face it, we all want to do anyway. Thanks so much to everyone who helped out and especially all the bakers....Karen and I didn't do it all ourselves...Denise, Laine, Amanda and my friend M all contributed. So did Jim, my neighbor who lent us his table. Everyone left with fuller tummies, slightly less full wallets and happy hearts.

I promise to be back to my old cynical self in no time.

At least you have your health...

you get the feeling that's what a lot of people have been saying lately, given the state of the world. Unless of course, you don't.

Don't get me wrong. Thankfully, we three are a mostly healthy bunch...I mean if you look at things big picture. In the small picture, we are a mess. A caught her first stomach flu of the season, gave it to husband who also needed a root canal the same week. I acted as the smug nurse, patting myself on the back for my superior immune system. Not so fast. I wound up in the emergency room yesterday, victim to perhaps one of the world's smallest (yet still painful) kidney stones.

Sigh.

In case you're wondering if our health care system needs to be revamped, might I suggest spending 7 hours in the ER? It's joyful. Lots of waiting, very little eye contact. And if you are the one wearing the hospital gown, you may as well be invisible. It's like they think that once you become the patient, your brain cannot handle the difficult stuff, such as answers to questions like, "when will my test results come back?"

I will say, I felt very grateful not to be in the state of some of my neighbors (you can hear everything, I honestly wasn't eavesdropping). One man moaned over a appendix, another had a blood clot in her leg. In the scheme of things, I was, deservedly, low man on the totem pole. But it wasn't like these people were getting any more attention than me. It was only when I put on my street clothes and threatened to walk out did I finally get some notice.

Anyway...we will be listening extra closely during the debates tonight when talk turns to healthcare. If it ever moves beyond words like "mainstreet"..."moose"..."lipstick"..you know, those conversations that ultimately, do nothing to help the American people.

In the meantime....Husband is feeling better (though the temporary filling from his tooth fell out last night while eating cheese)...I seem to be okay though drinking a ton of water and A is clearly fine as she informed us last night "no toast. ice cream." She also wanted chicken with something she called "heiney my shirt" which turned out to be honey mustard. More on how to speak A later.

Enjoy the game, oops, I mean debate, tonight.

Crass, inappropriate...and hilarious

Got grandparents in Florida? Then this video is for you. As Elizabeth has pointed out, it also works for any other grandparents in red states. See this link below:

http://thegreatschlep.com/site/index.html


Keep in mind it's Sarah Silverman so...if you're easily offended, you might want to skip it.

Bachelorette Jen news!

Looks like she finally met her match. See here:

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20228668,00.html


And to think, ML and I were just talking about her yesterday...saying she seemed like a committment-phobe.

Is it wrong to hate a child?

That's the question I have to ask myself everytime I go to the playground.

Yes, I know this is an incredibly un-PC rant but spend as much time as I do on the playground and you'll inevitably feel the same way. Particularly if you actually have a child and the Mama (or Papa) Bear blood gets boiling.

Here's the thing. I used to think I loved children. Or at least liked them. Not so. At least, not any that are intentionally rude or want to cause physical harm to my child.

It's got to be biological. That's what makes me react this way. It could be over something small, like my daughter saying hello aand being ignored. Or it could be as much as a kid pushing/shoving/punching. Recently, a cherubic-looking blonde girl tried to push A off a slide. It took every ounce of my being not to grab her by the collar myself. Instead, I said "you shouldn't push" and "where's your mommy/daddy/babysitter?" The girl pointed to A and said "she was in the way." Things are black and white like that when you're say, 4 years old.

I'm not saying A is perfect. Her favorite word is "mine-a!" I suppose the extra "a" is for emphasis. Sometimes, a child will try to take the slide next to the one she's perched up on and this really ticks her off. I tell her "it's everybody's slide" and I think it's slowly sinking in. Even though we sometimes have to do a countdown when she's on the neh-neh (the horse) so someone else can get a turn.

But I have to say this....I do not think she is truly mean-spirited . I have seen her share her sidewalk chalk at least twice. This weekend, she actually ran to get another little girl a balloon (mostly so the girl would stop trying to take hers but still).

I have never had to restrain her from pushing or punching another kid. As it turns out, the person I most need to restrain is me.

Maybe she can teach me a thing or two.

A little bit of Bachelorette news...

Go here...

http://tvwatch.people.com/2008/09/22/bachelorette-deanna-jesse-scaling-down-their-wedding/


It basically says that Deanna and Jesse are "scaling down" their wedding. Hmmm. Trouble on the horizon? One of the most hilarious stories I read recently mentions that Andy Baldwin, the Officer and a Gentleman Bachelor is an ordained minister and will be performing the ceremony. Ha! You can't make this stuff up.

Go away, bad ad! Shoo!

I am horrified to see that since I used Palin's name a bunch of times in my last post...google has decided I must really like her and are now featuring an ad for the old guy and the pitbull in lipstick. In order for this to go away, I must do the following:



Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama
Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama
bama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama
bama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama
bama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama Obama


In the meantime, check out this link to see the way the old guy candidate is getting covered in the press:

http://therealmccain.com/


enjoy

obama obama obama obama obama obama obama

Stop waiting for the world to change.

You know that song by John Mayer? The one you can’t help humming despite the fact that John Mayer is a tool?. “Waiting for the World to Change.” Well, I’m not buying it. If you want the world to change, you can’t wait for it. But what’s scaring me lately is….I’m not sure the world is going to change at all. Not for the better, anyway.

By that I mean…I’m not so sure Obama is going to get elected this November. There, I said it. I somehow thought if I never mentioned it, never thought it, never wrote it down on paper that it wouldn’t be so. But right now, it’s not looking good.

It was easy for me to be deceived. I live in a neighborhood where kids have lemonade stands to raise money for Obama. Where moms at the playground wear shirts that say “Obama Mama.” Where every other brownstone has a sign up that says “Change.” How foolish of me to assume that friends in other places felt the same way.

I know that I cannot single-handedly change the minds of everyone who thinks John McCain/Sarah Palin would make great leaders of this country. I’m just writing this to try to present some food for thought…some information that may not have been considered. And I’m starting with Sarah Palin. Why Palin and not McCain? Well, he’s a topic for a different blog. He certainly deserves his own. I’m starting with Sarah since by choosing her, I feel that McCain made a real statement about what kind of president he’d be. One that would rather “be a maverick” by choosing someone controversial and unqualified than someone who actually deserves to be a heartbeat away from the president. And since McCain is 72 and let’s face it, not looking like the picture of health….I take his vice-presidential pick very seriously.

Sarah Palin. Ah yes. Where do we begin? I’m not here to bash her pregnant daughter or her hair or her clothes or her general snarkiness. I could…but it would be too easy. Plus it would dilute the real problems I have with her…all of which stem from her policies/beliefs.

1. Palin does not believe in abortion, even in cases of rape, incest or severe birth defects. The very notion that the government should have a say in what women do with their own bodies is appalling to me. Right now, NARAL Pro-Choice America reports that donation and volunteers have been up since Palin’s nomination and are calling the GOP platform “the most anti-choice ever put forward.” Change? Oh yes, it’s change all right…a giant step backward.

2. Palin does no believe that global warming is “man-made.” She also favors drilling which will release more carbon into the atmosphere. She asked church workers in Alaska to pray for a $30 billion pipeline in the state because “God’s will has to get done.”

3. And speaking of church, Palin’s place of worship featured the Jews for Jesus founder David Brickner who described terrorist attacks on Israelis as G-d’s “judgement of unbelief” of Jews who haven’t embraced Christianity. Not that Obama’s church was much better but…he doesn’t go there anymore. Can we say the same of Palin? Her current church is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays to heterosexuals through the power of prayer.

4. Palin opposes explicit sex education. Somewhat ironic considering her current family situation…ooops, I said I wouldn’t mention her daughter.

5. Palin believes in teaching creationism in school.

6. Palin first got a passport in 2007. Which doesn’t exactly show a lot of curiousity about the outside world, now does it?

7. The Bridge to Nowhere. You all know about this, I assume. She was originally in favor of building a 398 million dollar bridge to an island with 50 people on it. Until she realized it was unpopular. And then all of a sudden, she wasn’t in favor of it anymore.

8. Palin wanted a local librarian to ban certain books. When the librarian refused, she was fired. Under pressure, she later re-hired her.


9. Her tenure was rife with controversy, including Dairy Gate, where she fired the entire Alskan Agricultural Commission board and filled it with her buddies as well as TrooperGate, where she fired a public safety officer who refused to fire her brother-in-law.

10. Palin attended the convention of the Alaskan Independence Party, which supports Alaska seceding from the US. Her husband was a member of that party from 1995-2002.


I could go on. But I won’t. I can’t. I’m eating lunch and I might be ill. Please consider all the facts before you vote. Because if you vote for McCain, Palin could be your president. Our president.

Gulp.

Lessons Learned from a kiddie bday party

So we had a party in the park for A's second bday. Fun for the kids, not so much for the grown-ups schlepping everything.

This party was mostly for a bunch of kids I've never met before. This is A's weekday circle of friends, ie all the nannies and their charges. I was most interested to meet everyone, since A's been talking about them non-stop. Pleased to report I liked them all. Some a little more, some a little less but no one truly awful. Which is saying something, since I usually meet at least one kid in the park every weekend that annoys me to no end and makes me grateful for A.

In the meantime, A's friends taught me a thing or two. I'm sure they didn't mean to. But if you pay attention closely enough, their behavior is useful in reminding you of a few valuable lessons.

1. PERSISTANCE PAYS OFF. Just ask R. He hounded me about the goodie bags. Relentless. This kid (age 4) presented various arguments as to why this was the opportune moment to pass out the bags. Eventually, his whining wore me down and I passed them out 20 minutes early. Future lawyer, I tell you.

2. DRESSES ROCK. Now I understand why A. insists upon wearing a dress almost every day. All her buddies do. Well, not the boys. And these girls still run around like crazy people. I thought it would hamper A.'s fun and movement. Ba. No chance. Girls want to wear dresses but that doesn't mean they want to act like little ladies.

3. NOBODY LIKES A TATTLE TALE. There's one in every bunch. This one was a boy named G. Always quick to report when someone did something wrong. The other kids were clearly rolling their eyes. Future Kenneth Star.

4. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY CUPCAKES. Particularly if they come with colored frosting.

5. MUSIC MAKES THE PARTY. Even if you happen to be 2. And most of your favorite songs come from the Music Together Flutes Album.

6. THERE ARE LOTS OF GREAT TOYS IN THE WORLD BUT NOTHING BEATS A BALL. Seriously. That's all they needed to have fun. Mind you, the ball was 48 inches and they kept attacking it. But still. Super fun.

7. ALL THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE REQUIRE GETTING A LITTLE DIRTY FOR. Think about it. It applies to soooo many things.

8. FRIENDS MAKE THE PARTY. THAT...AND PIZZA. It's all about the pizza, folks. Until she's a grown-up and it's all about the wine.

I feel so much smarter after this party. Older and more exhausted. But smarter.

Mouse...your days are numbered...you rat bastard.

Every once in a while, just when I think he's left the premises, I find one lone mouse turd to remind me that he has not. And it's never in the same place.

Yes, this is the ramblings of a crazy person.

And yes, the turd does exist. Just to prove it, I showed it to my husband. On a Clorox wipe.

I might have to blow up the brownstone. But I will get this mouse.

And when I do, I'm mailing it to the owner of Chick-Fil-A.

Why everything good has to be so bad

Of course, I always knew Chick-Fil-A wasn't REALLY good for me. I mean, it's hard to make a case for the health benefits of chicken nuggets and waffle fries. But it's oh-so-yummy. And they don't have it in NYC, which makes it all the more appealing when I go home to Florida. I actually make it a point to go, if you can believe it.

And so....when I was Facebooking (aka procrastinating) today, I discovered that Chick-Fil-A was giving away free food on Labor Day. So I decided to do some free advertising for them and post that in my status update. It's not like I was doing it for myself....considering they don't even sell it here.

Lo and behold, one of my facebook friends alerts me that the owner of Chick-Fil-A is actually a fundamentalist who fires people who are gay, passes out anti-abortion literature and gives money to all Republican causes. This sets me out on a search about the man, Samuel Truett Cathy. It seems that all of this appears to be true. In as much as you can find these sorts of things on the Internet. Mind you, it all seemed pretty consistent. And to boot, some Chick-Fil-A chains give out literature on the santity of marriage, etc. Because nothing goes better with chicken nuggets than some rhetoric.

Mind you, this guy has every right to run his business how he likes (such as keeping the doors shut on Sunday). However, he does not have a right to fire gays or non-Christians And as for the literature, well...he can pass it out. But I am also within my rights not to patronize places that try to force their ideas down my throat. And also to let everyone know about it.

And so...the next time I go down to Florida, I will instead visit my second-favorite Southern chain, Pollo Tropical, home of some of the best fried plantains in the world. And the chicken nuggets and waffle fries? I won't even miss them.

Sniff.

Jason is the new bachelor!

So exciting. It starts in January. Just had to share...

Reflections on body glitter

Someone asked today if glitter was toxic. After all, what's it made of? Metal? And people (usually kids) wipe it all over themselves? Should there be a ban on glitter?

If that happens, then the Russian gymnasts are screwed. Has anyone noticed the liberal use of body glitter in the Olympics? Should it fall under banned substances? I mean, they put it in their hair. No lipstick, but body glitter. Hmmm.

Anyone else notice this?

Strange happenings at the park

So I have a critter connection. It's not like I talk to the animals or anything. It's just that for some reason, animals always find me whether I want them to or not.

When I lived in Florida, my dad always joked that all the animals and reptiles would show up to welcome me home. There was the time I was lying on the carpet in my room and a frog jumped up next to me. I also once stepped on a frog on my way to the bus stop, causing my grandmother to purchase a small flashlight the family called "the frog light" to prevent other such mishaps. I won't even talk about how many flying bugs have appeared in my bedroom or the lizard that lived in my shower.

This trend continued once I moved to New York. Seemed impossible that wildlife could find me in the city but it happened. My first year was plagued by mice infestation, topped off my accidental execution of a mouse in a toaster. Getting a cat seemed to solve this problem for a while though there was one time when a grasshopper invaded my apartment in Chelsea. The cat did all he could to get it but it only set off more chirps than anyone should ever have to hear in her lifetime. And I won't even talk about my recent mouse infestation for fear they might hear me and come back. They're probably reading my blog right now and laughing.

Of course, living so close to Prospect Park, I've seen my fair share of critters. Prospect Park has bats and I've seen t but thus far, they have not truly come looking for me. The birds, however, can get a bit nervy. Yesterday, as I pushed A on the swings she kept pointing and saying "birds." I was like "yes, lots of birds" and kept pushing. But she seemed rather insistent and then said "seat!" I looked over at her stroller and four or five little birds had invaded and were munching out on whatever wayward crumbs she had left in there. I tried to shoo them away and they persisted. They were like, duuuude. We're having brunch.

It gets better. After some hearty playtime, A. and I sit down on the bench for a snack. A bee comes up behind her. I try to stay calm but naturally I don't. I decide to move her away from the bee. The bee follows. I walk her across the park to another bench and I swear, that @#$%! bee is right behind me. And I then I realize the bee wants her granola bar. I throw the bar on the ground. The bee is like, cool and leaves us alone.

I'm telling you, I am never going to the jungle. Ever. The lions will sniff us out in half a second.

I swear I hear a mouse chuckling.

I know I have no right to blog about my high school reunion....

since I didn't go. But still. I've got something to say.

I've seen all the pictures. Some are good, some are bad, some are frightening. Some make me wish I went, others...not so much. In any case, I'm glad for facebook because as it turns out, it's like attending a reunion every day of your life. Plus it has all the pictures from the reunion which is all you really need anyway.

And so...based solely on the pictures and reports from several undisclosed sources, here are a few lessons learned from CCHS Class of '88 Reunion. Don't worry, no names or anything.

1. Do not go to reunion red as a lobster. This is not a good look. It was not a good look for Prom. And 20 years later, it only serves to make you look older than you are. And very, very shiny.

2. Just because you have breasts does not mean the rest of the world needs to see them. I'm not saying this as a prude. I'm saying. It's been 20 years. Even with the best of bras...and there are good ones out there....time takes its toll. Put those puppies away. They've had plenty of years to play in the sun.

3. If you really do have a government job that is TOP SECRET and HIGHLY CLASSIFIED, don't tell everyone about it. I'm sure that defeats the purpose. Come up with a really impressive lie. Our government is good at that, they can probably help you out in that area.

4. Steroids. Wasn't a great look in high school. An even worse idea now. Plus try to buy a shirt in your size. Thank you.

5. If you must brag about how much money you make, attempt to be subtle about it. Like say, wear really nice shoes. Everyone will get the picture. Actual dollar amounts are just pathetic.

6. If you really hated everyone in high school, don't tell everyone about it. Just don't go to the reunion. Not that I'm including myself in this category...

7. Don't assume that everyone wants to hear your life story. They don't. Put it to you this way...do you want to hear theirs?

I'm sure I'll think of more. But this should be enough to make everyone from high school dislike me.

Have a good night.

The pornographic virus

that's what I think I have.

It's called coxsackie virus and no, it's not a sexually transmitted disease. It's something kids pick up in pools and give to their unsuspecting parents.

A. is fine but she wasn't three days ago. A mystery fever appeared and disappeared. We thought it was teething. She also wasn't eating much. We thought it was the excitement of her cousins. Apparently, we were wrong.

Yesterday, I hate a mystery fever and weird muscle aches. Today I have odd stuff in my mouth. My friend mentions this weird virus. I look it up and yup. That's what I've got.

Fun times.

My fingers hurt

yet I'm still typing. What is wrong with this picture?

Anyone ever have a fever and achy fingers/toes? I am resisting the temptation to look up symptoms on the internet and get myself crazy. But if anyone has ever had this particular ailment, let me know.

In the meantime, while I am glad to be back after a vacation to North Carolina, I have to say, coming back to the dirt of NYC is always a bit of a shock. One day I suppose I will live somewhere where I don't first have to go looking for mouse droppings before I unpack my bags. Is it possible I am getting too old for the grit? A sure sign that middle age is right around the corner.

Too tired to blog about my thoughts on my high school reunion pictures. Probably not fair to blog about something I didn't attend but that's never stopped me before.

Okay. That is all. My sore digits are saying goodnight.

n

It's official....the Bachelor show is now 0-12....

sort of like my high school football team.

Shayne and Matt have broken up. For more scoop, go here:

http://www.realitytvworld.com/news/report-shayne-lamas-breaks-up-with-the-bachelor-star-matt-grant-7486.php

So not surprising. But still.

N

The anti-cheerleader

That's me.

Not that there's anything wrong with being a cheerleader. I just happen to think it's dumb. George W. was a cheerleader, in case you need further proof.

So now that my high school reunion is this weekend, I am so glad I'm not going. There, I said it.

Everyone on Facebook is so excited. The more they talk about it, the more I get that sinking feeling in my chest that I used to get when I was forced to go to pep rallies in high school. Despite the fact that I wasn't feeling peppy and I resented people telling me I was supposed to. Besides, our football team was 0-10 for three years running. Cheering wasn't really going to help them.

So while I will enjoy hearing all the gossip from the reunion...who got fat, who got skinny, who got rich, etc.....I'm thrilled that this is one pep rally I don't have to participate in. Ha.

Okay, it's official. I'm going to stop watching television until spring.

So instead of doing my work, I was researching The Bachelor. And whether or not Jason will be the next one. And yes of course I have a million other things to do...especially since we're going on vacation this Friday.

And what do I discover....no Bachelor show on the fall schedule???!! Because they are "taking their time to find the perfect bachelor."

Hello? Jason? Hello? Jeremy? They have plenty of rejects to choose from. There's even some rumor that it might be Paula Abdul's ex-boyfriend. Ha. What a crock. You know that dude's just out to be famous. Because that is the only reason I can think of to ever date Paula Abdul.

I guess I will have to find a new hobby now. Sigh.

Yay....the RV ad is gone!

Crap, will I bring it back by writing about it??? Okay, let me try this and see what happens:

books
books
books
books
puppies

Let's see what ad pops up now. Ha.

Frosting cupcakes is very theraputic

I just did it last night. I think that's why I bake; so I can frost. I find it very satisfying, making the frosting look pretty. And best of all, it requires no thinking.

Why did I not consider this when I was considering career options? A job where your body moves one way and your mind another? Why did I think I'd be so much more satisfied using my brain?

That's not to say that I'm not thinking while frosting. I am, just about something I want to think about instead of what I get paid to think about.

You think there is a degree for frosting? Would that be a bachelor of science or bachelor of arts? Art because you are making cupcakes look beautiful? Or is it a science for making them taste delicious?

In case you're wondering, no...I do not have time to ponder these things. This is what they call procrastinating.

And while we're at it, note the little advertisement on the side of my blog. Apparently, it changes according to what I write about; it actually scans my words and puts up ads that relate to my blogs. So I do wonder what I wrote about to deserve an ad about an RV park. Because I don't support camping. Ever. And I certainly don't think I'm an RV girl...since that seems to be a culture that I don't fit into. I say this because we once went whitewater rafting and stayed in a cabin in an RV park....and all the people watching NASCAR blew out our electricity. Nuff said.

Okay. Back to work. I imagine the little advertisement on the side of my blog will now about baking supplies. I can live with that.

Not that I believe everything I read in the NY Post...

but this isn't sooo unbelievable. There's a story that Shayne Lamas, Bachelor Matt's pick, is hooking up with some media rich dude. And she hasn't dumped him yet. I'm just sayin'. You might want to know.

You also might want to know that they are demolishing our offices while we are still in them. So if I start hacking up asbestos, I wouldn't be so surprised. Good stuff.

Later.

N

It's the end of the world...

there's an entire reality show dedicated to trying out for the show Legally Blonde? Seriously? Someone gets paid for thinking these things up?

And worse....I am watching it. Someone needs to come over and put me out of my misery.

This makes The Bachelorette look like Masterpiece Theatre.

My BFF Jane

Everything is better with a little Jane Austen.

Even subway rides. Which is perhaps why I try to read one Jane Austen ride every summer. It makes New York a little prettier, the subway rides a little less humid, sticky and otherwise miserable.

This summer’s selection is Emma. I find myself sitting up straighter as I read it, hoping to become a woman of fine carriage. Who I am trying to impress, I have idea, since there certainly are no worthy gentleman to be found on the F train. Particularly the sweaty little man who tried to ram into me yesterday to beat me into the train.

“What a truly hateful little man!” I exclaimed. I really did. If I had gloves, I probably would have used them to slap him across the face. But I had only a computer bag and an impossibly large purse. So instead I walked haughtily into the train, giving Hateful Little Man withering stares, the likes of which I’m sure he never saw before. I’m sure he is still writhing about in pain on the train platform.

Who couldn’t use a little Jane? What relationship couldn’t use a man telling his beloved “you have bewitched me body and soul?” Whose life would not be better with starting every morning with a long invigorating walk though the woods? And who can forget the world’s best insult of all time (perfectly delivered by Dame Judy Dench in the film version of Pride & Prejudice) “Madam, you have a very small garden.”

Perhaps instead of those poems the MTA posts in the subways, they would do better to post a snippet or two of Jane. People might actually read them. And learn a little something about well, being nicer to each other. Or at the very least, polite with their insults.

My complexion is pinkening at the very thought of it.

Bachelorette Finale Round-Up "It's like sharing a cupcake..."

Okay guys. I'll try to do the whole thing in one sitting but we shall see. It was a whole lotta Bachelorette show last night...though I must say, I will miss it come next Monday night...

The show began with the guys coming home to meet Deanna's big fat Greek family. Only they seemed more Southern than Greek to me. The brother's drawl was thick as syrup. The family assures Dee that they are not going to be all nice/warm like they were with Brad, they will grill these guys. Dee tells them the guys are very different. Jason is divorced with a child. Jesse is a snowboarder with the most shockingly long hair. I'm sure they are picturing Axl Rose.

First up is Jason. They don't really grill him, in my book. The dad does say he doesn't know if Dee is ready to be a mother. Sister asks if Jason is in love and he says yes. Brother asks Dee what the "wow factor" is with Jason. Best she can come up with is "he's a great father." Sorry, while that is a very nice quality, it does not exactly qualify as a wow factor. Jason tells Sister he has never felt like this about anyone, even his ex-wife. Nice...not exactly an admirable quality to insult the mother of your child. Though this mother seems, oddly enough, fairly absent.

Jason then asks Dee's father for her hand in marriage. This seems to delight Dear Old Dad. He says "no one's ever asked me that before." Dad says "Jason would be a great pick for my daughter. He's a gem, got a lot of class and he's a great catch." Maybe Dad should date him.

Next up, Jesse meets the fam. He even cut his hair for the occasion. Only Jesse is freaking out. He can't handle the questions particularly about his future as a professional snowboarder.

Dad: When you're as old as me, how are you going to be a competitive snowboarder?

Jesse: Uh...

Dad: Why did you get into snowboarding?

Jesse: It was fun?

Dad: Once the butterflies stop, are you ready for the lifetime committment? I'd expect frequent visits to Atlanta...I have a nephew who's 6'5 who will come and hunt you down.

With a shotgun! And his posse! And the Sheriff with those cool mirrored glasses! Yee-haw!

Sorry. People from Florida can't resist making fun of people from Georgia.

Anyway, Sis feels strongly that Jason is more right for Dee than Jesse. Dee says "with Jason I feel I can depend on him but..." Dad says "Jason asked for permission to marry you and Jesse didn't. Jason knows what he wants and asks for it." This gives Dee pause for thought because she's already picked out her free ABS wedding gown and really wants to wear it, quite possibly with the white jeans she wears every ten minutes. Hmmm. Tough decision.

Next date, there's another hometown date where the guys get to meet the rest of her big fat Greek family. This line-up now includes yaya and papa, some random aunt/uncle and sister-in-law Crystal. Yaya informs Dee that she will do the choosing.

So what's the big surprise here? The guys are going to be on this date with Deeanna together! What fun! ABC even has us watching Deeanna hold hands with both of them at the same time. Which is really so ridiculous and just well, stupid. Unless you are watching HBO's Real Sex and then it makes a ton of sense. But you aren't. This is the network owned by the Mouse People, the folks over at Disney. So instead, it's just silly.

Highlights of this date include Jesse teaching the grandparents the fist bump. Dad giving Jesse his permission to propose but insisting he keep his hair short. And grandma stating that she prefers Jason.

And then the guys leave and Deeanna has a conversation with her sister and Crystal. Crystal says "Jesse is grounded and just a cool guy. He is rocking it out and being himself." Sister says "you're not as comfortable with Jesse." Crystal says "you're not where Jason is, you're a free spirit." Sister says "oh yeah, well you have a really bad perm, Crystal and what the heck kind of name is Crystal anyway?"

Anyway. You get the idea.

Now Dee is back in the Bahamas, sharing another date with the guys before she makes her big decision. But before she goes on the date, poor mopey Jeremy wants to talk to her. Let's just call him Eeyore from now on. He knocks on her hotel door and tells her she is making a big mistake and that he was a statue until he met her. Not that he's oh-so-lively now. Deanna cries her pretty little soap opera tears and says "it's just not in my heart. I don't want to promise you something I can't give you." Etc, etc. Eeyore walks away and does a lot of dramatic crouching and crying. Seriously felt like I was watching a telenovela. I think ABC is setting this guy up to be the next bachelor. Hmmmm.

Next up, a date with Jesse. Lots of kissing and shots of Dee in a bikini. Yawn. Even worse, he gives Dee "a book of thoughts." Oh dear. Please call it something else. It's a little photo album with all kind of choice subtitles such as "Your my soulmate" (thanks for pointing out the spelling, Amanda Z!). I won't bore you with the rest. The most interesting thing about the date was the bad carpeting in the hallway of the hotel.

Next day, next date with Jason who comes running up to her like a pathetic puppy dog. Even worse, she is wearing a Kevin Federline-inspired Fedora. Shame on you, ABC Stylist. Dee tells Jason they are going to go diving with sharks. Jason says "sharks and people aren't supposed to hang out together.' But he keeps it together and acts brave while Dee freaks out. Night falls and Jason busts out a board game he made called "eight roses" which cleverly forces them to re-enact their relationship. First kiss, etc. I was totally buying into this hook, line and sinker.

Next day, the boys are going to pick out their free engagement rings. Jason seems confident. Jesse, not so much. He appears to be puking in the bushes. Then we see them all getting ready for the big finale. Dee is wearing a very Grecian-inspired blue dress. ABC treats us to their usual cheesy music. And then she makes her way up to the Bombay Company proposal table and waits. Cue the wind!

Now, you know the first person out of the limo is the one getting dumped. And it is...Jason???!! HUh! No, no, no, no. I even say out loud "haha. ABC is trying to trick us like they did during the Jesse Palmer season. The one time they had the winner go first." I am pleased with myself and wait.

But I am wrong. Just as Jason crouches down on one knee, Deanna stops him. She says she loves someone else more than him. Even though he wore an orange tie "for his Georgia peach."

Damn. ABC got tricky this time. They even leaked stuff onto blogs about Jason being the final one. I was a believer. I truly was. Before you know it, she shoves Jason in the limo and he's driving around shell-shocked with that pathetic sad music playing. Jason says "the only thing I have for sure is my little boy." Who you pimped out on tv, Daddy-O! Talk about a bad idea.

Okay. The big proposal. Dee says "I can see a life full of excitement with Jesse." He comes up to her and he is like beyond short. He says "when I look at you, I see forever. I want to spend forever with you." And then he gets down on one knee. At least he had the decency to pick out a good ring.

And then it's time for yet another hour of BAchelorette...AFter the Final Rose! Poor Jason sits on the stage fairly shocked and humiliated. He's especially angry that she let him get down on one knee. Of course, I'm just staring at the tv wondering if he's had a nose job. Still up in the air about it, what do you guys think?

Then they bring out Deanna who seems geniunely upset about dumping Jason. Until Jason says "I would have given anything for you to look at me like you looked at Jesse and Graham." This gets her all hot and bothered and defensive. Chris Harrison asks Jason if he's open to love again. Jason says "I proposed twice. Third time should be the charm." Awww. Poor thing. Get this guy on the show and get him some chicks, already.

And then they bring out Matt the Bachelor and Shayne Lamas and holy cow, Shayne is scary. Big hair, fake tan, fake lashes, etc. There's something about her that makes her look much older than she is. At this point, it appears that I stopped taking notes. I think because I went to get some sorbet. Anyway, when Chris asks them about plans for the future, Shayne says "I think we'll be traveling." To which Matt says "oh really?" You get the feeling these two hardly see each other, just coming out occasionally to revive each other's "careers." Shayne also says "Matt doesn't fit in my bed." Probably because it's so full of small white dogs wearing pink.

Finally, they bring out Deanna and Jesse. Deanna is beyond all over him. Jesse has that look of a deer in the headlights. They announce their wedding date is next May. Dee isn't going to let this poor sucker get away. You start to wonder who the real winner of this show is....

And there you have it, folks. Another lovely season. Kristin Bradley-Green won our online game, with Tammy in second and Stacy Kay in third.

Cheers all. Feel free to come visit the blog anytime...I'm sure I"ll find lots of other things to mock.

Take care,
Nan

"It's like sharing the same cupcake--uh, uh....I want the whole thing."

Jesse got the whole cupcake. Now he has to figure out what to do with it.

Was I the only one sitting there with my mouth open last night when Deeanna chose Jesse as her one and only? Dude. Can you believe it? Good luck with that.

More to come later.

N

Tonight's the big night...

2 hour season finale plus an hour's worth of After the Final Rose! That's almost too much of a good thing. Sort of like eating too much ice cream.

Oh well. Enjoy...may the best man win. Or...not.

Bachelorette Round-Up "Jeremy's a brat..."

I wish I had something funnier to post but I don't. Somehow the show seemed better on Monday.

Sorry this is late but it could not be helped. It will be the condensed version for sure. The show begins with Deanna pouting about having to let the booty call she was most looking forward to, Graham. But he was a "brat" so now everything was all up in the air. Meaning she will just have to make do and sleep with three other guys.

The first date is with Jeremy. She says "he's perfect" which she has said like a million other times which leads me to think it's more of an accusation at this point. She says he is "very serious and wants to see if he can have fun." Well. He can't. Not super lively but he is nice to look at. Deaanna gets pouty because Jeremy is holding back. In fact, he tells the camera he is not holding back but needs to have a talk with her.

In the meantime, they keep saying "don't you love the Bahamas? It's better in the Bahamas. Hey, can you believe we're in the Bahamas?" Yes, the tourism board surely got their money's worth.

Finally, at dinner Jeremy starts giggling and sweating and tells Deanna "I want to say I'm falling in love with you but...it's already happened." Deanna takes this opportunity to bust out the fantasy suite card. They run to the fantasy suite and get cozy on the bed. Well ABC. It's 8:09 and already one couple is getting busy in the boom-boom suite. In case you have any doubt what's happening, Jeremy gets up and pulls the shades. All righty then.

Next day, next booty call. Jason comes charging at Deanna like an overly-caffinated puppy. I've decided except for his exceptionally close-set eyes, he's cute. He's determined to show his fun side. The go to a floating dock for a picnic and talk about how they are willing to eat anything and aren't they soo adventurous? Then they go kayaking with Deanna bossing Jason around. Get used to it buddy, if you really are in for a lifetime of this.

Nighttime rolls around and Deanna puts on a dress that looks like a lovely green towel. Jason tells Deanna that she and Ty are his two favorite subjects. This prompts her to present him with the fantasy suite card. Jason doesn't even let her read it, tossing it to the side and doing his puppy run to the suite. He then presents her with a sand dollar necklace to remind them OF THEIR TIME TOGETHER IN THE BAHAMAS. Did you know they were in the Bahamas? He thanks her for teaching him he could fall in love again. And then...boom-chicka-wow-wow....

Next day, next dude. It's Jesse time. Do you ever feel like Jesse's still in high school? He's like "you look so hot, dude." And "this is rad." I suppose some people might find it endearing but I do not. They go horseback riding into the ocean, which is something I have not seen before. Then at dinner, Jesse asks her a lot of questions. He even tells her he wants to have kids before he is 30 which I do not believe at all. He wants this "so he can throw a football with his kid" which as we all know a 40-year-old dad can simply not do. She asks him about his plans after snowboarding. He says he'd like to be a sports agent "because that would be fun." And not in the least bit competitive and just perfect for a really laid-back, chilled-out dude. Hey Jesse. Ever see "Jerry Maguire?"

Anyway, Deanna busts out the fantasy suite card. What the hell. May as well go three for three. Jesse acts like he is not going to accept it then PSYCH! He does. Ha ha. He's such a kidder, that Jesse.

And then before you know it, it's rose ceremony time. Jeremy gets the boot, is the long and short of it. And that's it for now because I need to change locations. More to come!

nan

So the Bachelorette was great last night...

and I'm still at work with no signs of leaving. It's 7:21pm. So...I won't be writing about it tonight.

Hopefully, everyone will still be interested tomorrow.

Have a good night,
N

Top Gun---the gayest movie ever?

Couldn't sleep last night. Top Gun was on. Haven't seen it since I was like 14. Still have no idea what happens in all the flying sequences. That's okay. The movies all about abs.

Someone just informed me if you go onto youtube and type in "gay topgun" all these examples will come up of why it's gay. Let's start with the volleyball game....sweaty men smacking each other around to Kenny Loggins. My favorite bit is when Maverick checks his watch and flexes his arm at the same time. IceMan...gayer than gay trying to make Maverick gay. Goose is gay but pretending to be straight and married.

Give it a look. It will open your eyes. And your ears to Kenny Loggins. Who knew he did anything beyond Footloose?

It's the Boom-Chicka-Wow-Wow Night...

on the Bachelorette.

3 guys. 3 overnight dates. 2 hours of softcore ABC.

Be sure to check it out...and get your picks in!

N

Terrible and getting worse

This is an actual quote from someone I know when asked how he felt. The truth is, this person's misery has little to do with health. There are sicker people who might answer differently.

I come from a long line of people expecting the worst yet hoping for the best. Hence why I'm convinced every little ache and pain is some exotic disease. I think pregnancy might me hyper this way; back then, when something little seemed wrong, it was always something big.

So once I stopped being pregnant, the aches and pains continued. It was only my body slowly cranking back into gear. But I thought I had everything. And got tested for it all. And you know what? Thank G-d it was all in my head. So I've decided, I am healthy. And that's how I'm going to stay.

Don't worry. I'm not going to be one of those people who tells you "smile!" Because those people ought to be slapped. How dare they demand that I smile? These are also inevitably the people who, on the very day when you have a spring in your step and your hair is behaving, informs you that you look tired.

Watch for these folks. They are same ones who chirp out cheeful little ditties such as "Fridays almost here!" and "working hard and hardly working!" The next time one of them asks you "how you doin?" you have full permission to say "Terrible. And getting worse." It'll give 'em something to talk about with the next poor sap they see in the elevator.

Enjoy your Monday.

Bachelorette Round-Up "She talks too fast to be from Georgia..."

So first of all...I missed part of the beginning of the show. Dude, this 8’o clock start time is killing me. While Deanna was on her hometown date with Jesse, my girl was yelling “more mimi (milk) please!”

But it looks like I didn’t meet that much. When I walked in, Jesse was snowboarding and Deanna was hanging on for dear life. It sounds like he was trying to convince her snow is fun. Ha. Good luck, buddy. Southern girls don’t dig snow. I’ve been in New York for 15 years and I still don’t like it. Not that I am a true Southerner….anyway….

So Jesse explains that he has not yet kissed Deanna because he “wants to build a foundation first.” Okay. Look friend, it’s just a kiss. Don’t overthink it. The longer you wait, the more there is riding on it. So you better be good at what you’ve been making her wait for.

Jesse shows her his cute little apartment “which is small like me.” Okay. Not the best comparison you could make especially before the boom-chicka-wow-wow dates. Then Jesse’s parents show up, his dad wearing a weird hat with hair attached. Dad is even sporting a bolo. Still, his parents are little bit hippie-dippy but extremely sweet; they both tell Deanna it took them 12 years to have a child! Mom also says “she’d give her life for him.” Deanna assures the mom that “whatever happens in the end, she’s lucky to have met Jesse.” Uh oh. Not so reassuring after all. Jesse tells his father that he’s not ready to get married yet. His father tells him to be open. Okay…

So next Jesse and Deanna go on a horse-and-buggy ride and they finally snog. Didn’t look all that impressive to me. Certainly not worth waiting six weeks for.

Next day, Deanna’s off to Dallas to see Jeremy’s life. He picks her up via motorcycle and they go for a ride. Deanna thinks he looks hot on the motorcycle. She’s even more excited when she sees his amazing apartment. She says “I have to admit, with him I’d have the perfect life; perfect house, perfect man, perfect dog.” Only thing about Jeremy’s house is it’s very….organized. Everything has it’s place. Even the bar exam is plastered on his wall. You get the feeling it isn’t much fun being Jeremy.

By the way, anyone notice the dog glaring at Deanna like “stay away from my man.” Jeremy and the dog seem a bit co-dependent on each other and the dog is sensing she’s about to get the old heave-ho.

So to lighten the mood, Jeremy busts out the photo album and shows off pictures of his deceased mother. The weepfest continues as he reads his journal entries from his mother’s deathbed. Am I the only one who felt this was inappropriate for reality television?

Next up, Jeremy’s brothers stop by to check Deanna out. One of his brothers is married to a woman who also lost her mother. Not that you can help what happens to you in life but…geez, this is a morose bunch. They need to go do karaoke or something to lighten things up.

Jeremy’s brothers then rake Deanna over the coals about her intentions. She says “he is everything I’ve ever looked for and I’m scared to death.” The brother look a bit pale and squishy compared to sculpted Jeremy but as we all know, genetics are a tricky game.
Jeremy tells Deanna…”I want you but I also need you.” Poor thing is looking for a new mother. Deanna says “he is determined, loving affectionate and everything fits right into place.” Hmmm. Beware of things that seem too perfect, I always say.

Next up, she is off to Seattle to meet Jason. Jason runs up to her and she doesn’t look all the impressed. How can he compete with Perfect Man in Dallas? By the way, anyone catch that Deanna had no idea what the Space Needle was in Seattle? How does she not know what this is? Did she never watch Frazier?

Dee is all nervous about meeting Jason’s son Ty. Though she tells him “she wants 3 children before she’s 30.” Uh huh. Spoken like someone who has never had children before. She says “I want little people.” Careful what you wish for…

And then ABC does some of the cheesiest, most shameless TV I’ve ever seen. They have Ty and Jason running towards each other and then falling into the grass together. The music rises into a crescendo and Deanna is bawling. Shameless, I tell you. Then the two of them do an Obama-like fist bump.

Meanwhile, Deanna is totally into it. She says “that was it for me, it all fit into place. Seeing Jason with his child, it’s what anyone could wish for. I already see he’s a wonderful father.”

They then spend the day together in the park and she says “this experience made me a different person…I felt like we were a family. No one think they want to be a stepmother but I very possibly could be.”

Oh and by the way, Ty was in the same carseat my daughter has. A cowprint. Just in case you care.

I do have to say….if Deanna doesn’t pick Jason, I wonder if he will regret pimping out his son like this? Not sure I think it’s cool to do that if nothing’s a done deal yet. Though of course in real life, it is a done deal. Hmmmm…..

Jason’s family are all really warm and friendly and even cook Greek food for Deanna. Deanna says “this is just like my family.” Then for some reason they all start Greek dancing even though I’m pretty sure they’re not Greek. And then if that isn’t enough school spirit, Jason’s clan starts playing leapfrog in the backyard. Holy crap, people still do this? Are they going to get out the potato sacks next? Do an egg toss? Three legged races?

Still, they're fun. I'll take them over the mopey bunch in Dallas anyday. The only sad part is when Jason has to say good-bye to Ty again and he starts to bawl. Deanna's crying, his parents are crying, I'm crying...what?! How can I be crying??? This is the Bachelorette and I have a heart of stone. I guess I can relate. Next thing you know I'll be sobbing at Hallmark commercials. Man, I'm getting soft in my old age.

Anyway, Deanna says she could "see spending the rest of her life with jason." Of course, this is before she goes to Raleigh and has her mitts all over Graham. Girlfriend can't keep her hands off him. She even says so herself.

Now. Most of us have dated someone like Graham at one point in our lives. You know, the guy who is hot and cold, who makes you work for him, who is well, kind of a jerk but you like him anyway. It's for the masochist in all of us. Mine's name was Andrew and sooner or later, I got smart and that was it. You can only stand yourself for so long in a situation like this. Hence...the hometown date with Graham.

It goes like this. She watches Graham play basketball. She attempts to play him in basketball. Considering he used to be a professional, not terribly much fun. Then she goes to meet the parents. Mom talks. Dad, not so much. Mom shows off Graham's trophies, not to mention an incredibly awkward middle school photo. Seriously, most children should just not be photographed between ages 12-14.

Then Graham's mom has alone time with Dee.

Dee: You think Graham's ready for a relationship/marriage?

Mom: Finding someone who lasts pasat 4 weeks is hard for Graham. He's a loner.

Dee: I think I'm falling for him more than he's falling for me.

Mom: You need to pick the decision that's right for you.

All righty, then. Mom knows her son sucks. She's trying to warn Deeanna. Deeanna gets upset and tries to get Graham to talk. Only he slouches and sits there on a park bench, silent.

Dee: What's going on in your head.

Crickets.

Dee: You okay? You handle things differently than me.

Grahm: I handle things internally.

Dee: You're closed off.

G: This is how I am.

He then slouches off and leaves her on the bench. Now, who's up for a lifetime of this? Raise your hands, now. Yeah. I thought so.

And then for some reason, ABC treats us to 10 WHOLE MINUTES OF PROMOTING THE STUPIDEST LOOKING SHOW ALIVE WHERE PEOPLE GO THROUGH OBSTACLE COURSES. WHY, ABC, WHY???? This show will suck. Why must I see people trying to avoid getting thrown in mud?

Okay. Back to the Bachelorette, thank goodness. Rose ceremony time. Here's how it pans out:

Rose #1 Jesse...dressed like Sonny Crockett for some reason.

Rose #2..Jeremy

Rose #3...Jason, wearing a tie he borrowed from his accountant

So Graham gets the boot! She walks him out, visibly more upset than he is. She says "in the end, I feel like you were letting me on...you have no idea how hard this is for me. I am saying goodbye to the one person I thought I was in love with.

And then Graham does the move that just kills me...he gives her a letter with all of his feelings in it! What a passive aggressive move...he knows this will just slay her. He says "I hope you'll read it someday." Of course she will! She reads it the second you are in the limo, you tool! Because women just can't resist. A glutton for punishment, I'm telling you.

And does Graham cry in the limo? No! Why? Because he's got a cold, cold heart. I seriously think he needs a kick in the extra long, very hairy shins. Meanwhile, Dee sat there crying her eyes out. Poor thing.

And for the very first time in this whole show, I finally got Deanna. Finally.

Next week, it's the boom-chicka-wow-wow dates which is always very exciting. Previews show Jesse trying to be all good and forgoing the fantasy suite. Oh dear.

Sorry this is so late. Kristin Bradley is still in the lead in the online game, btw.

Have a good one,
N

"She talks too fast to be from Georgia..."

This from Graham's dad last night. The Bunn family is not a talkative bunch.

Good show, I thought. A little overwrought, but fun.

More to come.

N

Don't forget...

Bachelorette is on at 8 tonight. It's the hometown dates, which should prove interesting.

I also got my first rejection from an agent. Always a great way to start a Monday...

Anyway, happy bachelorette-ing tonight.

N

Where my peeps at?

So. Before I had a baby, I was under the impression I'd be joining some kind of a club. You know, the parents' club. Where we'd all hang out together bemoaning our lack of sleep, etc. That I'd instantly have a bunch of new mom friends to go to the park with and have playdates with. And drink wine with.

It's been 22 months. Where my peeps at?

Mind you, I'm not a stay-at-home mom. If I was, I'm sure I'd know more people in the neighborhood. Join a mommy group. Take mommy-baby yoga. Something. But I'm not. So I guess these parents' clubs only exist for people who are actually in the neighborhood during the day.

I see them all hanging out together on weekends. Their kids all know each other and greet each other on the playground. A. just looks at them, like hey, can't I join your party? In case I need more to feel guilty about.

It's not like A. doesn't have friends. Quite the contrary. She knows more people in our neighborhood than we do. Thanks to our friendly nanny, she's got a whole circle of pals who also have nannies. So she talks about Jack and Teddy and the whole crew and goes to their birthday parties. But I've never met them. I suppose I could try to hunt them down via my nanny. But that would require a whole lot of time and energy I don't have.

Maybe once A. goes to school, that's when I'll find my peeps. The parents-with-kids-in-school club. That must be it.

But in case there are other peeps out there like me, come find me on the 9th Street playground. We'll be the ones on the swings. By ourselves.

The Bachelorette Round-Up "He's a good mutant but a mutant nonetheless."

Okay. So. The first part of last night's show was an interview with Deanna. Chris our Invisible Host sits down with her and actually speaks. Does she shed new light on anything? No. Does she blink a lot? Yes. Was she blinded by the sparkles on her wanna-be prom dress? Quite possibly.

I will admit that I did not see all that much of the first hour of the show last night. That is because our girl decided that Daddy could not possibly put her down to her liking. Of course, once I got in there, she decided she actually preferred Daddy. And so it goes.

Anyway...the snippets from Deanna hour included her talking about being grossed out by Robert, not being attracted to Rich and defending her treatment of Fred. We also got to see Trista the Bachelorette pimping out her kid AGAIN and simpering about Ryan. Best part of the show was seeing what our pal Sean the Hick's life is life back at home. Homie's got a 5 bedroom house a block away from his mama. He also has a closet full of namebrands, LV luggage, a tanning booth and several tricked out cars. In case you are still wondering if he's an idiot, he's got a Hummer. Nuff said.

My favorite part of the show was the shots of Ron getting rid of SEan's mullet. Or as Jesse puts it "business upfront and a party in the back." Love that.

So the real show starts with Deanna taking all the guys with her to Palm Springs for a week. Sean gets the first alone date. He says he's like "a Kentucky racehorse...hanging back but now I'm making my move." He and Deanna are going up a mountain via a cable car and she is seriously freaking out. Then they eat dinner overlooking the mountains. He tells her "you are the piece I need in my life." They snuggle in a hammock and kiss, though Deanna doesn't look like she enjoys it that much.

Next day, group date. The guys are going out on ATC's. Goin' muddin'. Or in this case, sanding. If you ever for a second doubted whether or not Deanna is a redneck...this answers it. Girlie is in her element. Twilley is not. He almost pukes on the helicopter and can't seem to open/close the helicopter doors. He also can't seem to drive the ATC. As Deanns put it...Twilley is just in his own little world.

And then they all jump in the pool. Jason and Deeanna have alone time, where he tells her he is just like his mother and knows how to love. Jesse holds hands with DEanna but can't seem to work up the chutzpah to smooch her. She leans in and practically purses her lips. Nothing.

And then Graham steals her away and they smooch like no tomorrow. These two are all over each other. Jason sees it and it makes him nervous. Deanna says "there's something about Graham...I'm like a giddy schoolgirl."

Next up is a date with Jeremy. They go and hang out at Frank Sinatra's old house in the HOllywood Hills. Kinda cool. Until they attempt to sing. Nooooooo. Back away from the mic, friends. Stick to dancing and kissing. There you go. Jeremy then peels off his shirt because there cannot be one show where his abs do not get screen time. Deanna says "he's the perfect guy...there's no way I could ask for more from him." Hmmmm....there's got to be some catch...is ABC setting us up for something?

Cocktail party time. Only...there is no cocktail party. Because Deanna has made her choice and doesn't want to face the guys. She's got weird soap opera hair tonight...kinda scary. Here's how it went down

Rose #1...Jeremy...working a nice gray suit

Rose #2...Jason...who runs up to her

Rose #3...Graham...she beams at him

Rose #4...Jesse

The country boys are out! Twilly says "I'm not a supermodel...I'm just Twilley...I've got a unique personality that can be a little much." Uh..yeah. Sean seems bummed but I'm sure a ride around in his hummer blasting Molly Hatchett will help beat the blues.

Next week...Deanna goes to the guys hometown. Best quote so far looks to be from Graham's mom who says "It's difficult for someone to last past 4 weeks with Graham." Uh oh....dum, dum, dum!! The drama!

BTW...Kristin Bradly-Green is still in the lead in the rose ceremony game...go Kristin!

Until next week...
N

"He's a good mutant but a mutant nonetheless..."

Words of wisdom from our good friend Twilley. That's the last we'll see of him.

Sean got the boot too. Bye, bye rednecks.

More to come later.

Nan

Tonight's the night...

Twilley's got to go. Hopefully it will be tonight.

If you're playing the online game, get your picks in today!

Enjoy the show...remember, starts at 8.

n

Overthinking my high school reunion

Yes, I am that old. How did that even happen? I swear I was 16 like 5 minutes ago.

Turns out, I am old enough to have a 20-year high school reunion coming up this July. Mmmm. Nothing like South Florida in the dead heat of summer. Really an appealing place to be. Thanks, high school reunion planners. I suppose they assume that no one has left the state. That reason alone is enough to make me not want to go.

Here's the thing. I went to the 10 year reunion. I wore the shortest dress I could find and ate a really crappy rubber chicken dinner. I remember saying to my friends, "Guys, take a good look at me. Because you won't be seeing me at the 20-year-reunion." Not that it was so painful. But it still felt like we were in high school. Not enough time had gone by or something. Everyone pretty much looked and acted the same. It made me want to hop on the next plane to New York.

But when the 20-year notice came up...I gave some thought. It would be good to see some of my very closest friends who are scattered to the wind. It would be nice to catch up and see what everyone's made of their lives. And then I went on the Classmates website. Big mistake.

There were pictures up from the 20-year reunion from the Cooper City High class of '87. I scanned through them, incredulous. Who were these old people? Why were they wearing frumpy clothes? Could that really be the most popular boy in school? How the hell did everyone get so old? And worse, did that mean I looked like that too?

No no no no no no no no no. I covered my eyes, shutting out the images of the Homecoming Queen looking like somebody's mother. Never mind that I am somebody's mother.

Let's get this straight. I did not love high school. Mediocrity was worshipped. Conformity was king. That being said, I prefer to keep high school—and all the people in it—in this little time warp. Where the hair was big, the music comprised of electronic drum machines and everyone was young and hopeful. I don't want to come face to face with the reality of expanded waistlines, unrealized dreams and inevitable sickness/death.

Does this make me a weak person for not wanting to know the truth? Perhaps. But if I choose to live in my fantasy world, so be it. The friends that I do stay in touch with from high school, I want to know the truth about. But everyone else, well, I want to keep them just how they are in my mind.

I wish everyone well. Just from far, far away.

Bachelor Round-Up..."I'm dropping the hammer, baby.."

Let's just talk for a second about having a "type." I don't really think I personally have one. Though back when I was dating I always preferred a taller guy. Smart is helpful. So is a sense of humor. There. I'm done. I guess I do have a type.

That being said...there's a whole lot out there that isn't my type. Like guys who wear ugly striped suits. Consider themselves hicks. Enjoy martial arts or car racing. Apparently, this is EXACTLY Deanna's type. As some of my more Southern friends would say (Dana and Elizabeth)...bless her heart.

Deanna does not know how to be a good bachelorette. You'll see why in this round-up. What she needs is me to go out to LA and clean house for her. G-d knows she's doing a crap job of it.

So the show starts out with the guys having to write Deanna a love song. What a painful exercise. And also...doesn't make for such great tv. Lots of guys sitting around moaning and trying to make things rhyme, not so exciting. Then the men get up to perform for Deanna. Lots of people may have been watching the guys. I was watching Deanna, totally distracted by the FACT THAT SHE WAS WEARING UGGS. Dude, what is she...some little sixteen-year-old mall rat? Who wears them anymore? And in LA when it's hot? Sigh.

I digress. So...most of the guys suck at singing except for Robert who thinks he's good when in fact, he sucks too. Twilley does something that only he thinks is funny. Brian does something that he thinks is heartfelt but is, in fact, funny. Jesse is the one who wins this challenge because not only is the song not too bad, every other word is "Deanna" and safe to say she likes hearing her name a lot.

So Jesse wins a date night with Deanna. ABC gives him a suit so he doesn't embarrass himself with one of his usual get-ups. Deanna is trying to figure out if "Jesse is husband material for me...he's fun but is he just a friend?" They take a limo to a theater where Natasha Beningfield performs just for them. Is it me or do you think there is no way Natasha Beningfield is the usual music Jesse listens too?

They slow dance and talk about each other's habits/traits. Really stimulating stuff. For example:

Deanna: So are you stubborn?

Jesse (channeling Sean Penn in Fast Times): FER SURE!

You get the idea. It seems like Deanna wants to be into this guy but doesn't seem as though she really is. They just don't look like a couple to me. Next!

Next day, it's a group date. Six guys are going...Brian, Jeremy, Twilley, Sean, Jason and Graham. They are going to the slot car races and the guys are stoked. Lots of testosterone and high fives and chest bumps and the like. All the guys are going to race around the track and whoever goes the fastest, gets some alone time with Deanna. Poor Brian can barely fit in the car and has a few false starts. Eventually, he gets up to speed. I'm not even trying to do puns; they just come so fast and furious with this date...

Okay. Sean the Big Old Hick wins this challenge. Apparently, he and his good old boys race muscle cars back home. Why does this not surprise me in the least? Of course, this is not before Deanna takes a turn in the car, burns rubber and beats all of their scores. Go speed racer, go....

Deanna and Sean sit on the grass with all the bugs and discuss how much they have in common. Deanna tells him she lived in Kentucky for a while which apparently puts her that much closer to goddess in Sean's mind. He says "we have a bluegrass connection" and "we're both rednecks." She seems to agree. C'mon, ABC...where's the Deliverance music when we need it?

And then Deanna has alone time with some of the other guys. Jeremy lets her know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Graham interrupts and the two of them get into some kind of a tiff. She's totally all over him, rubbing his furry arms and asking him for a kiss. To which Graham says "I don't want to be one of the bunch." Dude. If you don't want to be one of the bunch, don't sign on for a reality dating show! She gets all pissy which is always a sure sign that you like someone. Jason is the only one who seems to pick up on this.

Next day, the guys decide to throw a bbq so they can all hang out with Deanna. Only...none of them are hanging out with Deanna. Robert goes into the house to mope and Graham is avoiding her. In truth, the little hissy fit she throws is really because she's not getting what she wants from Graham. But instead, she yells at all the guys and tells them if they don't want to hang out then go home. Then she leaves.

Of course, that night she has a two-on-one date with Robert and Fred. Robert has obviously not started it all off on the best foot. Still, he seems confident that she will choose him. Note that whoever gets the rose on this date will stay and whoever doesn't goes home.

The guys take a limo to dinner with Deanna. Robert keeps trying to outdo Fred with his show-offy tales. Robert makes me ill. He's not cute and thinks he is and prides himself on being a great kisser. I don't know where all this confidence came from but it's annoying. When he finally gets alone time with Deanna, he informs her how much chemistry they have and tries to kiss her. She shifts around so he is forced to plant one on her cheek. She says "I had to dodge Robert." Yikes.

And then she has alone time with Fred the lawyer who literally begins to plead his case. Poor Fred. Nice enough guy but just not cute. She tells him "you're sweet Fred." But you just know her heart's not in it.

Okay. Rose time. She tells Robert "I need to say goodbye to you." Fred takes a big gulp of wine, happy he's going to get to stay. But no. Just as the poor boy relaxes a bit she tells him "I think you're amazing but....I don't see forever with you and I can't lead you on." She totally pulls a Brad! She thinks she isn't but she should have just told them at the same time so Fred wouldn't think he was okay. When the guys back at the house see that both guys are going home, they really freak out. Brian looks as though he might cry.

Let's talk about Bri-bri. Tall, handsome, loves to hang with the guys...hmmmm. Is he really here for the guys? Just a thought. Anyone with me?

Deanna is upset when she comes home from her date with Fred and Robert and falls into Jason's arms. You just know this guy loves being the one there to comfort her. There, there...let daddy make it alllllll better....

And finally...it's cocktail party time. To lighten the mood, Deanna suggests they all strip down and go swimming. They do. And then Chris our Invisible Friendly Ghost Host comes out and makes them have a rose ceremony. Only one guy is leaving and that is poor Bri-Bri. Unbelievably...Twilley is still around! How is this happening? And that, my friends, is why Deanna IS a redneck. Only a redneck would find Twilley charming. I meanwhile picture him in a big ole truck with a wad of chaw in his mouth. Shudder.

Next week...we're down to the final 6. Jesse, Jeremy, Jason, Twilley, Sean and Graham. Apparently, Jeremy, Sean and Graham all make their moves. Girlfriend is going to be mighty busy....stay tuned. Oh...and at 8pm next week...we get to hear directly from Deanna....if you think you can stomach it. Better eat dinner first.

That's it, friends. Enjoy the week. Keep cool.

N

"I'm dropping the hammer, baby..."

Is this a racing term and I just don't know it? Or a hick term meant to be screamed out when you're racing slot cars?

Either way, I am so out of my element. No wonder I can't figure out who this bachelorette will choose.

How do you know you're a redneck? When you don't flinch if someone calls you one. Didn't bother Deanna a bit. Yee-haw.

More to come later.

N

Don't forget...Bachelorette starts at 8 tonight...

who knows why but it totally coincides with A.'s bedtime, which sucks for me. Apparently, they need to make room for that strangely named show The Mole. Which sounds like a rodent who lives underground or something that you need to get checked out by a dermatologist.

Anyway...if you're playing the game, get in your picks. And if you're in New York, stay inside. The heat makes everyone all cranky. Myself included. And my subway ride took an hour and a half this morning. Gotta love that F train...

Happy Monday,
N

Much Hairdo about Nothing

So I've got tons of hair. If you know me, you already know this. It has been a source of drama for a good part of my life. Tears, frustration, freaking out, etc. When I was 11, I actually got kicked out of a beauty salon because the guy said I was being "difficult." I'm not even making this up.

As I got older, I learned to tame the beast. Even though you could possibly hide things in there and it would not be seen for days. Even though A. pointed at it happily the other day and said "bush." Greeeat. A sure sign that I needed a haircut.

So I made an appt at one of those special curly-haired salons. I've been there before and the cut was great, the styling a disaster. But it was new girl and I figured, ah. She's new. She doesn't know how to tame the beast.

I thought I'd try again. I go to my same guy, who is great with curls despite having fantastic Asian hair that always looks amazing and never like a bush. And then he sends me off to have it styled by some other young 'un. Dude. I am like the ultimate test for new stylists? Like the MCATS or hair?

Needless to say, girlfriend can't do it. She must enlist the aid of another newbie. So they are both spritzing my hair and scrunching and combing and twisting. AT a certain point, I just ignore them and start reading my magazines. In case you're wondering, yellow is the new color for spring and no, I won't be wearing it. When I finally look up...it's a disaster. I say "you know, I'm just going home. Let's just skip it." But no. They won't let me go.

They bring in some guy who seems a lot older than them. I explain I am just going home and the most exciting thing I will do that night is make quiche and bathe my child and therefore I really don't need to look so fabulous so can I go home now please? The guy says "we want you to have the full effect." I say "really, I'm cool. I know you can do it. I just want to go. "
He says "no, really. you should stay." I feel bad. So I do.

When I look up again, it is frizzy and poofy and I feel like I'm 12 again. The guy makes a big show of proudly handing me the mirror. I must ooh and ahhh because that is what is expected of me and know the cut will look good so I don't care. The second I leave, I pull it all up into a knot so I don't scare people on the subway.

And that my friends, is much hairdo about nothing. And yes, it looks perfectly fine today.

Have a great Friday.

N

The happiest place on earth

Yes, I know. I am way behind the times. But this week, I finally got it together and joined Facebook. Holy cow. So much fun. The ultimate time waster too. I should finish my novel, oh, in about ten years now.

Why am I telling you this? Because in case you didn't know, The Bachelorette Show has a page on there. In case you're interested in being an overzealous fan. Which of course I'm not. No, not at all.

Just wanted to share.

N

Bachelor Round-Up..."Sometimes a tree has to get knocked down before it can bear fruit..."

Okay so...just getting around to writing this now. And of course, HIllary is on tv about to concede the nomination. Please oh please let Obama give her the vice presidency...what a dream ticket that would be. So I'm a little distracted as we speak. But...I will try to be amusing and patriotic at the same time.

Last night started with Chris our Invisible Host reminding us that there will be one group date and two one-on-ones. And of course, if you don't get a rose on the one-on-one...you know the deal. Blah blah blah. Rich the Geek is first up with a one-on-one date. He says "his stomach dropped." Uh oh. Homie knows he's probably on his way out. He packs his bags and hopes for the best.

And what does he get? The most stereotypically romantic date ever. Dinner on top of a building and then a romantic ride in a carriage around town. Geek Boy has the most ridiculous sunburn ever. Looks like a lobster and it ain't pretty. He has a serious chat with Deanna about...

Okay...HIllary is not conceding? Huh? I'm confused. Sorry but I think it's time. She is now plugging her website. WTF?

Back to the Bachelorette...which we all know is just as important as the election. Anyway, Deanna does a lot of blinking and says to the camera "I need to see if I can think of Rich as more than a friend." Oh boy. My feeling is always...if you have to ask, you already know the answer. Right in the middle of the romantic carriage ride, it hits Deanna that he is not the one. So she orders the driver to pull to the side of the road and dump off Rich. Seriously. Seems like she could have sucked it up until the end of the ride but no, she leaves him curbside. Seriously. Oh, she's nice about it and all. But still. Poor kid has to get out right there.

The men are all shocked Rich is leaving. They get over it quickly to go on their western date. Everyone is going except Jason, who will get his own one-on-one. The guys get all suited up in Western duds and ABC treats us to the music of the Good, Bad and the Ugly. No cliches here, none at all. I have my own version of the Good, Bad and the Ugly. The Good...Jesse. The Bad...Twilley, ick. And the Ugly...sorry but...Paul.

We can tell Deanna really likes this date. She thinks of herself as a country girl, yee-haw! All of a sudden her slight Southern accent intensifies and she sounds like Hoss on Bonanza. She says "Don't y'all look niiiiiice." And then she says "we're fixin' to do some line dancing." I inwardly shudder and keep watching. I'm fixin' to vomit.

Line dancing. Who created this? Naturally, all the guys suck. Deanna of course, does not. Why? BECAUSE SHE'S KNOWN ABOUT THIS DATE AND HAS HAD WEEKS TO PRACTICE.

Then they all go ride a mechanical bull. Jesse the Snowboarder does it best, go figure. And then Deanna gets on and all the guys slobber, visions of Urban Cowboy dancing in their heads. Only she decides to play a little trick on them and pretend to fall. Whoever comes to her rescue first...wins! And the winner is...Jesse the Snowboarder. He seems like her complete opposite but they seem to get along well. Jesse says something about wanting to be in a relationship where he can fart in bed. Anyone else catch this?

Meanwhile, Ron and Jeremy trade snarky remarks by the campfire. Now, Ron is a most unpleasant sort. I know he's a hairdresser so you'd think he'd be a people person but he's just not. He does fancy himself a philsopher and gives lots of unsolicited advice. Confirming my opinion that most of time, everyone should just mind their own beeswax.

Deanna calls Ron out for giving Jeremy a hard time. Ron tells her the issue is just between the two of them. Then Deanna has alone time with Jeremy and acts like a giddy teenager. Graham and Fred do a sneak attack on them to break them up, much to her dismay.

Then Deanna has some alone time with Robert who says he felt big chemistry with her the first night and now that he's talking to her, he can't feel his fingers. Deanna likes this concept and gives him a rose for it.

Next day, a reach for the stars date with Jason. They are going to an an observatory to watch the stars and eat dinner. In the middle of it all, he tells her about his kid. Deanna momentarily looks as though she's smelled something bad but then she seems fine with it and they make out.

All rightie. Next day, Deanna has a surprise for the guys. She's taking them to meet her good friend Ellen Degeneres. Oh yes. I'm sure these two are just besties, going out and shopping for v-neck green sweaters together (have you noticed how often D wears them?) Ellen makes the guys dance and take off their pants. She pretends to be excited by this. She then consults with Deanna, telling her what she thinks of the guys. She says she thinks Graham is scared and Jesse is funny and Fred is cool. She gets to give out one of the roses and presents it to Fred. Okay Fred. So if you ever want to date Ellen, you're in luck.

Cocktail party time. Ron tries to save himself. He does so by telling Deanna that at first he didn't think she was his type but then he came down with a case of the Deannas. Good luck friend. Here's how the rose ceremony played out...keep in mind that Jason, Robert and Fred are safe:

Rose #1
Twilley....HUH? C'mon ABC...stop making her keep this clown around.

Rose #2
Jesse

Rose #3
Jeremy

Rose #4
Brian

Rose #5
Graham

Rose #6
Sean

Who's out? Ron. And Paul. Paul is polite. Ron tries to make an inspirational speech. Saying something about how "she didn't reject me...she just chose others." Uh...okay. And that is distinctly different because.....

Anyway, the dude was just unpleasant, plain and simple. LIke serial killer unpleasant. Glad to see him go.

Next week, we see Deanna throw a hissy fit. Can't wait.

Gotta go. Obama is speaking now....will he give her the vice presidency? Hmmmm...

Night-night...

n