Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Bachelorette Round-Up "She talks too fast to be from Georgia..."

So first of all...I missed part of the beginning of the show. Dude, this 8’o clock start time is killing me. While Deanna was on her hometown date with Jesse, my girl was yelling “more mimi (milk) please!”

But it looks like I didn’t meet that much. When I walked in, Jesse was snowboarding and Deanna was hanging on for dear life. It sounds like he was trying to convince her snow is fun. Ha. Good luck, buddy. Southern girls don’t dig snow. I’ve been in New York for 15 years and I still don’t like it. Not that I am a true Southerner….anyway….

So Jesse explains that he has not yet kissed Deanna because he “wants to build a foundation first.” Okay. Look friend, it’s just a kiss. Don’t overthink it. The longer you wait, the more there is riding on it. So you better be good at what you’ve been making her wait for.

Jesse shows her his cute little apartment “which is small like me.” Okay. Not the best comparison you could make especially before the boom-chicka-wow-wow dates. Then Jesse’s parents show up, his dad wearing a weird hat with hair attached. Dad is even sporting a bolo. Still, his parents are little bit hippie-dippy but extremely sweet; they both tell Deanna it took them 12 years to have a child! Mom also says “she’d give her life for him.” Deanna assures the mom that “whatever happens in the end, she’s lucky to have met Jesse.” Uh oh. Not so reassuring after all. Jesse tells his father that he’s not ready to get married yet. His father tells him to be open. Okay…

So next Jesse and Deanna go on a horse-and-buggy ride and they finally snog. Didn’t look all that impressive to me. Certainly not worth waiting six weeks for.

Next day, Deanna’s off to Dallas to see Jeremy’s life. He picks her up via motorcycle and they go for a ride. Deanna thinks he looks hot on the motorcycle. She’s even more excited when she sees his amazing apartment. She says “I have to admit, with him I’d have the perfect life; perfect house, perfect man, perfect dog.” Only thing about Jeremy’s house is it’s very….organized. Everything has it’s place. Even the bar exam is plastered on his wall. You get the feeling it isn’t much fun being Jeremy.

By the way, anyone notice the dog glaring at Deanna like “stay away from my man.” Jeremy and the dog seem a bit co-dependent on each other and the dog is sensing she’s about to get the old heave-ho.

So to lighten the mood, Jeremy busts out the photo album and shows off pictures of his deceased mother. The weepfest continues as he reads his journal entries from his mother’s deathbed. Am I the only one who felt this was inappropriate for reality television?

Next up, Jeremy’s brothers stop by to check Deanna out. One of his brothers is married to a woman who also lost her mother. Not that you can help what happens to you in life but…geez, this is a morose bunch. They need to go do karaoke or something to lighten things up.

Jeremy’s brothers then rake Deanna over the coals about her intentions. She says “he is everything I’ve ever looked for and I’m scared to death.” The brother look a bit pale and squishy compared to sculpted Jeremy but as we all know, genetics are a tricky game.
Jeremy tells Deanna…”I want you but I also need you.” Poor thing is looking for a new mother. Deanna says “he is determined, loving affectionate and everything fits right into place.” Hmmm. Beware of things that seem too perfect, I always say.

Next up, she is off to Seattle to meet Jason. Jason runs up to her and she doesn’t look all the impressed. How can he compete with Perfect Man in Dallas? By the way, anyone catch that Deanna had no idea what the Space Needle was in Seattle? How does she not know what this is? Did she never watch Frazier?

Dee is all nervous about meeting Jason’s son Ty. Though she tells him “she wants 3 children before she’s 30.” Uh huh. Spoken like someone who has never had children before. She says “I want little people.” Careful what you wish for…

And then ABC does some of the cheesiest, most shameless TV I’ve ever seen. They have Ty and Jason running towards each other and then falling into the grass together. The music rises into a crescendo and Deanna is bawling. Shameless, I tell you. Then the two of them do an Obama-like fist bump.

Meanwhile, Deanna is totally into it. She says “that was it for me, it all fit into place. Seeing Jason with his child, it’s what anyone could wish for. I already see he’s a wonderful father.”

They then spend the day together in the park and she says “this experience made me a different person…I felt like we were a family. No one think they want to be a stepmother but I very possibly could be.”

Oh and by the way, Ty was in the same carseat my daughter has. A cowprint. Just in case you care.

I do have to say….if Deanna doesn’t pick Jason, I wonder if he will regret pimping out his son like this? Not sure I think it’s cool to do that if nothing’s a done deal yet. Though of course in real life, it is a done deal. Hmmmm…..

Jason’s family are all really warm and friendly and even cook Greek food for Deanna. Deanna says “this is just like my family.” Then for some reason they all start Greek dancing even though I’m pretty sure they’re not Greek. And then if that isn’t enough school spirit, Jason’s clan starts playing leapfrog in the backyard. Holy crap, people still do this? Are they going to get out the potato sacks next? Do an egg toss? Three legged races?

Still, they're fun. I'll take them over the mopey bunch in Dallas anyday. The only sad part is when Jason has to say good-bye to Ty again and he starts to bawl. Deanna's crying, his parents are crying, I'm crying...what?! How can I be crying??? This is the Bachelorette and I have a heart of stone. I guess I can relate. Next thing you know I'll be sobbing at Hallmark commercials. Man, I'm getting soft in my old age.

Anyway, Deanna says she could "see spending the rest of her life with jason." Of course, this is before she goes to Raleigh and has her mitts all over Graham. Girlfriend can't keep her hands off him. She even says so herself.

Now. Most of us have dated someone like Graham at one point in our lives. You know, the guy who is hot and cold, who makes you work for him, who is well, kind of a jerk but you like him anyway. It's for the masochist in all of us. Mine's name was Andrew and sooner or later, I got smart and that was it. You can only stand yourself for so long in a situation like this. Hence...the hometown date with Graham.

It goes like this. She watches Graham play basketball. She attempts to play him in basketball. Considering he used to be a professional, not terribly much fun. Then she goes to meet the parents. Mom talks. Dad, not so much. Mom shows off Graham's trophies, not to mention an incredibly awkward middle school photo. Seriously, most children should just not be photographed between ages 12-14.

Then Graham's mom has alone time with Dee.

Dee: You think Graham's ready for a relationship/marriage?

Mom: Finding someone who lasts pasat 4 weeks is hard for Graham. He's a loner.

Dee: I think I'm falling for him more than he's falling for me.

Mom: You need to pick the decision that's right for you.

All righty, then. Mom knows her son sucks. She's trying to warn Deeanna. Deeanna gets upset and tries to get Graham to talk. Only he slouches and sits there on a park bench, silent.

Dee: What's going on in your head.


Dee: You okay? You handle things differently than me.

Grahm: I handle things internally.

Dee: You're closed off.

G: This is how I am.

He then slouches off and leaves her on the bench. Now, who's up for a lifetime of this? Raise your hands, now. Yeah. I thought so.

And then for some reason, ABC treats us to 10 WHOLE MINUTES OF PROMOTING THE STUPIDEST LOOKING SHOW ALIVE WHERE PEOPLE GO THROUGH OBSTACLE COURSES. WHY, ABC, WHY???? This show will suck. Why must I see people trying to avoid getting thrown in mud?

Okay. Back to the Bachelorette, thank goodness. Rose ceremony time. Here's how it pans out:

Rose #1 Jesse...dressed like Sonny Crockett for some reason.

Rose #2..Jeremy

Rose #3...Jason, wearing a tie he borrowed from his accountant

So Graham gets the boot! She walks him out, visibly more upset than he is. She says "in the end, I feel like you were letting me on...you have no idea how hard this is for me. I am saying goodbye to the one person I thought I was in love with.

And then Graham does the move that just kills me...he gives her a letter with all of his feelings in it! What a passive aggressive move...he knows this will just slay her. He says "I hope you'll read it someday." Of course she will! She reads it the second you are in the limo, you tool! Because women just can't resist. A glutton for punishment, I'm telling you.

And does Graham cry in the limo? No! Why? Because he's got a cold, cold heart. I seriously think he needs a kick in the extra long, very hairy shins. Meanwhile, Dee sat there crying her eyes out. Poor thing.

And for the very first time in this whole show, I finally got Deanna. Finally.

Next week, it's the boom-chicka-wow-wow dates which is always very exciting. Previews show Jesse trying to be all good and forgoing the fantasy suite. Oh dear.

Sorry this is so late. Kristin Bradley is still in the lead in the online game, btw.

Have a good one,

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