Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Bachelor Round-Up..."I'm dropping the hammer, baby.."

Let's just talk for a second about having a "type." I don't really think I personally have one. Though back when I was dating I always preferred a taller guy. Smart is helpful. So is a sense of humor. There. I'm done. I guess I do have a type.

That being said...there's a whole lot out there that isn't my type. Like guys who wear ugly striped suits. Consider themselves hicks. Enjoy martial arts or car racing. Apparently, this is EXACTLY Deanna's type. As some of my more Southern friends would say (Dana and Elizabeth)...bless her heart.

Deanna does not know how to be a good bachelorette. You'll see why in this round-up. What she needs is me to go out to LA and clean house for her. G-d knows she's doing a crap job of it.

So the show starts out with the guys having to write Deanna a love song. What a painful exercise. And also...doesn't make for such great tv. Lots of guys sitting around moaning and trying to make things rhyme, not so exciting. Then the men get up to perform for Deanna. Lots of people may have been watching the guys. I was watching Deanna, totally distracted by the FACT THAT SHE WAS WEARING UGGS. Dude, what is she...some little sixteen-year-old mall rat? Who wears them anymore? And in LA when it's hot? Sigh.

I digress. So...most of the guys suck at singing except for Robert who thinks he's good when in fact, he sucks too. Twilley does something that only he thinks is funny. Brian does something that he thinks is heartfelt but is, in fact, funny. Jesse is the one who wins this challenge because not only is the song not too bad, every other word is "Deanna" and safe to say she likes hearing her name a lot.

So Jesse wins a date night with Deanna. ABC gives him a suit so he doesn't embarrass himself with one of his usual get-ups. Deanna is trying to figure out if "Jesse is husband material for me...he's fun but is he just a friend?" They take a limo to a theater where Natasha Beningfield performs just for them. Is it me or do you think there is no way Natasha Beningfield is the usual music Jesse listens too?

They slow dance and talk about each other's habits/traits. Really stimulating stuff. For example:

Deanna: So are you stubborn?

Jesse (channeling Sean Penn in Fast Times): FER SURE!

You get the idea. It seems like Deanna wants to be into this guy but doesn't seem as though she really is. They just don't look like a couple to me. Next!

Next day, it's a group date. Six guys are going...Brian, Jeremy, Twilley, Sean, Jason and Graham. They are going to the slot car races and the guys are stoked. Lots of testosterone and high fives and chest bumps and the like. All the guys are going to race around the track and whoever goes the fastest, gets some alone time with Deanna. Poor Brian can barely fit in the car and has a few false starts. Eventually, he gets up to speed. I'm not even trying to do puns; they just come so fast and furious with this date...

Okay. Sean the Big Old Hick wins this challenge. Apparently, he and his good old boys race muscle cars back home. Why does this not surprise me in the least? Of course, this is not before Deanna takes a turn in the car, burns rubber and beats all of their scores. Go speed racer, go....

Deanna and Sean sit on the grass with all the bugs and discuss how much they have in common. Deanna tells him she lived in Kentucky for a while which apparently puts her that much closer to goddess in Sean's mind. He says "we have a bluegrass connection" and "we're both rednecks." She seems to agree. C'mon, ABC...where's the Deliverance music when we need it?

And then Deanna has alone time with some of the other guys. Jeremy lets her know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Graham interrupts and the two of them get into some kind of a tiff. She's totally all over him, rubbing his furry arms and asking him for a kiss. To which Graham says "I don't want to be one of the bunch." Dude. If you don't want to be one of the bunch, don't sign on for a reality dating show! She gets all pissy which is always a sure sign that you like someone. Jason is the only one who seems to pick up on this.

Next day, the guys decide to throw a bbq so they can all hang out with Deanna. Only...none of them are hanging out with Deanna. Robert goes into the house to mope and Graham is avoiding her. In truth, the little hissy fit she throws is really because she's not getting what she wants from Graham. But instead, she yells at all the guys and tells them if they don't want to hang out then go home. Then she leaves.

Of course, that night she has a two-on-one date with Robert and Fred. Robert has obviously not started it all off on the best foot. Still, he seems confident that she will choose him. Note that whoever gets the rose on this date will stay and whoever doesn't goes home.

The guys take a limo to dinner with Deanna. Robert keeps trying to outdo Fred with his show-offy tales. Robert makes me ill. He's not cute and thinks he is and prides himself on being a great kisser. I don't know where all this confidence came from but it's annoying. When he finally gets alone time with Deanna, he informs her how much chemistry they have and tries to kiss her. She shifts around so he is forced to plant one on her cheek. She says "I had to dodge Robert." Yikes.

And then she has alone time with Fred the lawyer who literally begins to plead his case. Poor Fred. Nice enough guy but just not cute. She tells him "you're sweet Fred." But you just know her heart's not in it.

Okay. Rose time. She tells Robert "I need to say goodbye to you." Fred takes a big gulp of wine, happy he's going to get to stay. But no. Just as the poor boy relaxes a bit she tells him "I think you're amazing but....I don't see forever with you and I can't lead you on." She totally pulls a Brad! She thinks she isn't but she should have just told them at the same time so Fred wouldn't think he was okay. When the guys back at the house see that both guys are going home, they really freak out. Brian looks as though he might cry.

Let's talk about Bri-bri. Tall, handsome, loves to hang with the guys...hmmmm. Is he really here for the guys? Just a thought. Anyone with me?

Deanna is upset when she comes home from her date with Fred and Robert and falls into Jason's arms. You just know this guy loves being the one there to comfort her. There, there...let daddy make it alllllll better....

And finally...it's cocktail party time. To lighten the mood, Deanna suggests they all strip down and go swimming. They do. And then Chris our Invisible Friendly Ghost Host comes out and makes them have a rose ceremony. Only one guy is leaving and that is poor Bri-Bri. Unbelievably...Twilley is still around! How is this happening? And that, my friends, is why Deanna IS a redneck. Only a redneck would find Twilley charming. I meanwhile picture him in a big ole truck with a wad of chaw in his mouth. Shudder.

Next week...we're down to the final 6. Jesse, Jeremy, Jason, Twilley, Sean and Graham. Apparently, Jeremy, Sean and Graham all make their moves. Girlfriend is going to be mighty busy....stay tuned. Oh...and at 8pm next week...we get to hear directly from Deanna....if you think you can stomach it. Better eat dinner first.

That's it, friends. Enjoy the week. Keep cool.


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