Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Bachelorette Finale Round-Up "It's like sharing a cupcake..."

Okay guys. I'll try to do the whole thing in one sitting but we shall see. It was a whole lotta Bachelorette show last night...though I must say, I will miss it come next Monday night...

The show began with the guys coming home to meet Deanna's big fat Greek family. Only they seemed more Southern than Greek to me. The brother's drawl was thick as syrup. The family assures Dee that they are not going to be all nice/warm like they were with Brad, they will grill these guys. Dee tells them the guys are very different. Jason is divorced with a child. Jesse is a snowboarder with the most shockingly long hair. I'm sure they are picturing Axl Rose.

First up is Jason. They don't really grill him, in my book. The dad does say he doesn't know if Dee is ready to be a mother. Sister asks if Jason is in love and he says yes. Brother asks Dee what the "wow factor" is with Jason. Best she can come up with is "he's a great father." Sorry, while that is a very nice quality, it does not exactly qualify as a wow factor. Jason tells Sister he has never felt like this about anyone, even his ex-wife. Nice...not exactly an admirable quality to insult the mother of your child. Though this mother seems, oddly enough, fairly absent.

Jason then asks Dee's father for her hand in marriage. This seems to delight Dear Old Dad. He says "no one's ever asked me that before." Dad says "Jason would be a great pick for my daughter. He's a gem, got a lot of class and he's a great catch." Maybe Dad should date him.

Next up, Jesse meets the fam. He even cut his hair for the occasion. Only Jesse is freaking out. He can't handle the questions particularly about his future as a professional snowboarder.

Dad: When you're as old as me, how are you going to be a competitive snowboarder?

Jesse: Uh...

Dad: Why did you get into snowboarding?

Jesse: It was fun?

Dad: Once the butterflies stop, are you ready for the lifetime committment? I'd expect frequent visits to Atlanta...I have a nephew who's 6'5 who will come and hunt you down.

With a shotgun! And his posse! And the Sheriff with those cool mirrored glasses! Yee-haw!

Sorry. People from Florida can't resist making fun of people from Georgia.

Anyway, Sis feels strongly that Jason is more right for Dee than Jesse. Dee says "with Jason I feel I can depend on him but..." Dad says "Jason asked for permission to marry you and Jesse didn't. Jason knows what he wants and asks for it." This gives Dee pause for thought because she's already picked out her free ABS wedding gown and really wants to wear it, quite possibly with the white jeans she wears every ten minutes. Hmmm. Tough decision.

Next date, there's another hometown date where the guys get to meet the rest of her big fat Greek family. This line-up now includes yaya and papa, some random aunt/uncle and sister-in-law Crystal. Yaya informs Dee that she will do the choosing.

So what's the big surprise here? The guys are going to be on this date with Deeanna together! What fun! ABC even has us watching Deeanna hold hands with both of them at the same time. Which is really so ridiculous and just well, stupid. Unless you are watching HBO's Real Sex and then it makes a ton of sense. But you aren't. This is the network owned by the Mouse People, the folks over at Disney. So instead, it's just silly.

Highlights of this date include Jesse teaching the grandparents the fist bump. Dad giving Jesse his permission to propose but insisting he keep his hair short. And grandma stating that she prefers Jason.

And then the guys leave and Deeanna has a conversation with her sister and Crystal. Crystal says "Jesse is grounded and just a cool guy. He is rocking it out and being himself." Sister says "you're not as comfortable with Jesse." Crystal says "you're not where Jason is, you're a free spirit." Sister says "oh yeah, well you have a really bad perm, Crystal and what the heck kind of name is Crystal anyway?"

Anyway. You get the idea.

Now Dee is back in the Bahamas, sharing another date with the guys before she makes her big decision. But before she goes on the date, poor mopey Jeremy wants to talk to her. Let's just call him Eeyore from now on. He knocks on her hotel door and tells her she is making a big mistake and that he was a statue until he met her. Not that he's oh-so-lively now. Deanna cries her pretty little soap opera tears and says "it's just not in my heart. I don't want to promise you something I can't give you." Etc, etc. Eeyore walks away and does a lot of dramatic crouching and crying. Seriously felt like I was watching a telenovela. I think ABC is setting this guy up to be the next bachelor. Hmmmm.

Next up, a date with Jesse. Lots of kissing and shots of Dee in a bikini. Yawn. Even worse, he gives Dee "a book of thoughts." Oh dear. Please call it something else. It's a little photo album with all kind of choice subtitles such as "Your my soulmate" (thanks for pointing out the spelling, Amanda Z!). I won't bore you with the rest. The most interesting thing about the date was the bad carpeting in the hallway of the hotel.

Next day, next date with Jason who comes running up to her like a pathetic puppy dog. Even worse, she is wearing a Kevin Federline-inspired Fedora. Shame on you, ABC Stylist. Dee tells Jason they are going to go diving with sharks. Jason says "sharks and people aren't supposed to hang out together.' But he keeps it together and acts brave while Dee freaks out. Night falls and Jason busts out a board game he made called "eight roses" which cleverly forces them to re-enact their relationship. First kiss, etc. I was totally buying into this hook, line and sinker.

Next day, the boys are going to pick out their free engagement rings. Jason seems confident. Jesse, not so much. He appears to be puking in the bushes. Then we see them all getting ready for the big finale. Dee is wearing a very Grecian-inspired blue dress. ABC treats us to their usual cheesy music. And then she makes her way up to the Bombay Company proposal table and waits. Cue the wind!

Now, you know the first person out of the limo is the one getting dumped. And it is...Jason???!! HUh! No, no, no, no. I even say out loud "haha. ABC is trying to trick us like they did during the Jesse Palmer season. The one time they had the winner go first." I am pleased with myself and wait.

But I am wrong. Just as Jason crouches down on one knee, Deanna stops him. She says she loves someone else more than him. Even though he wore an orange tie "for his Georgia peach."

Damn. ABC got tricky this time. They even leaked stuff onto blogs about Jason being the final one. I was a believer. I truly was. Before you know it, she shoves Jason in the limo and he's driving around shell-shocked with that pathetic sad music playing. Jason says "the only thing I have for sure is my little boy." Who you pimped out on tv, Daddy-O! Talk about a bad idea.

Okay. The big proposal. Dee says "I can see a life full of excitement with Jesse." He comes up to her and he is like beyond short. He says "when I look at you, I see forever. I want to spend forever with you." And then he gets down on one knee. At least he had the decency to pick out a good ring.

And then it's time for yet another hour of BAchelorette...AFter the Final Rose! Poor Jason sits on the stage fairly shocked and humiliated. He's especially angry that she let him get down on one knee. Of course, I'm just staring at the tv wondering if he's had a nose job. Still up in the air about it, what do you guys think?

Then they bring out Deanna who seems geniunely upset about dumping Jason. Until Jason says "I would have given anything for you to look at me like you looked at Jesse and Graham." This gets her all hot and bothered and defensive. Chris Harrison asks Jason if he's open to love again. Jason says "I proposed twice. Third time should be the charm." Awww. Poor thing. Get this guy on the show and get him some chicks, already.

And then they bring out Matt the Bachelor and Shayne Lamas and holy cow, Shayne is scary. Big hair, fake tan, fake lashes, etc. There's something about her that makes her look much older than she is. At this point, it appears that I stopped taking notes. I think because I went to get some sorbet. Anyway, when Chris asks them about plans for the future, Shayne says "I think we'll be traveling." To which Matt says "oh really?" You get the feeling these two hardly see each other, just coming out occasionally to revive each other's "careers." Shayne also says "Matt doesn't fit in my bed." Probably because it's so full of small white dogs wearing pink.

Finally, they bring out Deanna and Jesse. Deanna is beyond all over him. Jesse has that look of a deer in the headlights. They announce their wedding date is next May. Dee isn't going to let this poor sucker get away. You start to wonder who the real winner of this show is....

And there you have it, folks. Another lovely season. Kristin Bradley-Green won our online game, with Tammy in second and Stacy Kay in third.

Cheers all. Feel free to come visit the blog anytime...I'm sure I"ll find lots of other things to mock.

Take care,

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