Tuesday, May 20, 2008

"I'm not a master of seduction but I'm working on my degree..." The 1st Bachelorette Round-Up...

There were so many bad quotes last night I swear I could have added another two or three.

I have to say, I am so excited by last night's show because it's going to be soooo cheesy. Starting with Deaaaaana (dude, your name is Deanna, get over it) and her free gold lame dresses from ABS. Last time I wore a gold lame dress it was my sister's bat mitzvah. The whole lot of us were in gold lame and black, even Dad sporting the gold lame bowtie/cumberbund combo. That's what happens when you let a 16-year-old (me) art direct an event. But what's Deaaaana's excuse? My guess is they were trying to make her look like a Greek goddess. Uhhh. Nice try. But no.

Okay. So. The show starts with ABC telling us Deanna's backstory of how she got dumped by Brad the Cad. They even go so far as to say "when it broke Deanna's heart...it broke America." No, it most certainly did not. Even Ellen is plugging for her.

So this time...THE TABLES ARE TURNED! Deanna gets to be the big meanie and break someone else's heart. Our dork host Chris Harrison tells us "they got THOUSANDS of letters from single guys who want to meet Deanna." Really? Okay. Then this should be a pretty decent bunch of dudes, right? I sit upright, pen in hand, ready to take notes.

And then we actually see the guys. You know that sound that Debbie Downer makes on Saturday Night Live? Waah- WAHHH.
There we have it.

There is weird push-up guy doing martial arts. There is Jon the resort manager who spends hours gelling his fake blonde hair. There is baby-faced virgin Ryan singing "my G-d and I go in the fields together....." I'm telling you. This is a pretty sorry pack. But...gotta look on the bright side. Lots of room for comedy here.

We then see Deanna as she's about to meet all the men. She is all gussied up in her very shiny gown with her very shiny lipgloss and seems awfully nervous. And that's when I realize. Girlfriend is not cut out for a starring role. Sure, she's fine making snarky remarks as a bit player but in the spotlight...not so much. You need a cheeseball like Trista who eats up the camera. Oh dear. Let's hope she gets better. And while we're at it..,..let's discuss her eyebrows, please. Put. the. tweezers. down. It's okay, I get it, I've got Mediterranean blood too; we're a hairy bunch. But don't overcompensate with the waxing/tweezing; it not only looks bad, it looks dated. And I don't mean in an ironic way, like Dita Von Teese.

Okay...so...this is Deanna's "fairy tale" (her words, not mine.) Let's meet the princes, shall we?

1. Brian. Lots of grey hair. Not a terrible face but a high school football coach. Doesn't look outwardly like a meathead but probably is one.

2. Paul. A short Canadian. My take on Canadian men...they're a bit soft. They try to make up for it by getting tattoos etc. but they are a little wimpy. Plus they have a chip on their shoulder about Canada.

3. Graham. A pro basketball player who can't button his jacket. She finds this endearing. I notice he didn't mention what team he plays for; does this mean he plays in Europe or something? Though he could play for the Knicks since no one bothers watching them.

4. Sean. Oy vey. Just too much. He's the martial arts guy. More on him later. Lots of hair. Just terrible.

5. Rich. The cute science teacher. He's playing the dork card and it's working for him. Honestly, I thought he was cute but I will also pick a geek over a meathead any day. This guy's a keeper.

6. Jason. The single dad. Of course, she doesn't actually know this yet. He's kind of cute though I sensed something very needy in him. Could become a little stalker-y, I think.

7. Spero. Who is this creature? He has weird glasses, weird eyes. I think they just needed a guy and they threw an ABC intern in there.

8. Jesse. Duuuude. A snowboarder. In a really ugly jacket.

9. Jon. Scary blonde spiked hair man. He scares me.

10. Chris. A big guy from Texas. Is there any other kind?

11. Brian the network consultant. He seemed promising but then he made her touch his abs later. Plus he twirls her around so he can check out her butt.

12. Jeffrey. Cute black guy from Orlando. We literally never see him again.

13. Donato. A sales rep from South Carolina. He reminds me of the guy in the fraternity who got creepy when he drank to much. Which he did.

14. Ryan. The virginal football player. A baby face on a big body. He lets her know right off the bat that he's strong in his faith.

15. Blayn aka Twilley. Seriously, this guy should have a piece of wheat between his teeth. Total hick from Oklahoma. I don't say that bc he's from Oklahoma but because he looks like something out of Deliverance.

16. Ron. He left his coat in the car. A hairdresser from Kansas City. Kind of a serious sort.

17. Patrick...a finance guy with longish hair.

18. Luke. An oyster farmer. Only he looks like an accountant. When she asks him to say something funny, he says "you look great." Crickets. Next!

19. Eric. He immediately starts talking Greek, thinking this means he's in. She did the same thing so she can't criticize.

20. Robert the chef. Very tall and bulky and pink.

21. Chandler. The preppy dude from Virginia. Straight out of a Ralph Lauren ad. He kisses her hand. He's not completely horrible.

22. Greg. The personal trainer from NYC. Can you say 'roid rage? He loses it later.

23. Fred. A lawyer from Chicago with the biggest Chicago accent ever.

24. Patrick...a big tall marketing guy.

25. Jeremy. A cute lawyer from Dallas. A little slick for my taste but he has a nice jawline. She doesn't want him to go inside which is always a good sign.

Okay. So. So much went on, I'll just give you the highlights. Jenni from the Bachelor show comes back to help Deanna weed through all the guys. She gives her first of three impression roses to Jeremy, the cute lawyer. She then spends time with Ryan, who hogs the blanket while she freezes and Spero hands her his coat. Deanna spends most of the night blinking, anyone else notice that?

Robert cooks up some crab for her. Luke the oyster guy gives her a pearl necklace. Donato propositions Jenny, wanting him to sit on his oversized lap. Eric tries to woo her with his special Greek powers. Sean the martial arts guy kicks a lemon off Jesse the snowboarder's head ("don't hurt me dog"). This plan backfires since she gives the rose to Jesse, not Sean. Chandler gets out a duck caller and starts blowing it at Deanna, who is not impressed. Brian busts out his abs of steel and forces her to touch them. Paul the Canadian does his country proud by stripping down to his skivvies which he's had embroidered with Deanna's name. O, Canada!

Meanwhile, Graham manages to get Dee alone and woos her with his tales of owning bars and starting a children's charity. Deanna, step away from the bar owner!

Rose ceremony time. Some pretty surprising choices. The producers must be making her keep some weirdos around. Jesse, Jeremy and Rich are safe.

Rose #1 Ron...very serious divorced dude.

Rose #2 Graham

Rose #3 Eric

Rose #4 Robert

Rose #5 Sean...ew! No!

Rose #6 Ryan

Rose #7 Chris...who was this guy?

Rose #8 Paul

Rose #9 Fred

Rose #10 Twilley....are you kidding me?

Rose #11 Jason. This guy seems a little crazy to me.

Rose #12 Brian the football coach from Texas.

A lot of guys are sent packing, including Chandler the duck boy and Luke the oyster dude. But the angriest one is Greg the Roid monster. He gets nuts, ripping off his shirt like the incredible hulk, showing off his tats and says "I will rise from action...I'm a wild boy, talking about coyotes..." and then let's out a blood-curdling howl into the night. So glad he'll be returning to the streets of New York where we can all appreciate him here.

So. There you have it. The first show! How exciting. By the way, the rose ceremony is supposedly on its way so I'll keep you posted. Have a good night!


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