Monday, May 19, 2008

Final Bachelor Round-Up....better late than never...

So I finally watched the finale last night. Was I the only one who felt like it was kind of rushed and not very surprising?

It starts out with Chelsea going to London to meet Matt's parents. But first, Matt takes her to the London Eye, which has to be the most touristy place on earth. Chelsea says she has to show Matt's parents "she's the best" which is a kind of an odd statement to make but she's a jock girl so maybe that's just her way of speaking. Chelsea worries that everyone will be "proper" so she dresses for the occasion in...a not very impressive shirt and jeans. C'mon girl, step it up a bit. Mom reminds me of Camilla Parker-Bowles. Dad doesn't say much. Matt has a beady-eyed brother named Simon who never shuts up. Simon says about Chelsea "I was very taken with her...she was quite beautiful." And Simon is....not so beautiful. Obviously, he is lusting after his brother's sloppy seconds.

So..Mom says "Chelsea's done a good sell job on herself but I don't know her well enough to know if she's sincere." Mom asks Chelsea if she's holding back. I decide I like Matt's mom. She gets it and I thought she was a snappy dresser. Holy cow, I'm getting all British after watching the show....soon I'll be peppering the blog with phrases like "lovely" and "let's go on holiday." Matt says putting this whole thing together is like a jigsaw puzzle. Huh?? He kisses Chelsea good-bye and tells her "I adore you honey." She says "bye Baby." Pretty chummy for a girl he's going to dump soon. Anyway...

Next day, Shayne is here to meet the rents. She runs up to him and practically tackles him. That is why he likes this girl; she doesn't exactly play hard to get. He takes Shayne on a double decker bus ride through the city where her writers provide her with insights such as "don't they get bored standing around?" about the beefeaters. She'd do a lot better if she stopped trying to replace Jessica Simpson as a dumb blonde...

So Shayne arrives to meet the parents and instantly sniveling Simon doesn't approve. Seriously, the guy looks like a cartoon version of a villian with the shifty eyes and weird eyebrows. He says something snotty about her being a bleached blonde. Shayne does manage to win over the rest of the family, making a joke about being 12 and saying that she and Matt "understand each other."

Simon then gets her alone and tells her that he originally didn't understand why Matt was attracted to her but she proved him wrong. Mom tells Shayne she feels really at ease with her. Shayne admits to her that her parents have been "remarried a few times." Oh boy, do tell. Like how many times? This seems like an interesting area to delve into....c'mon producers! But no, they skim right over that. Instead, we have alone time with Matt and Mom where she tries to help him figure out who to pick. Matt says he is most at ease with Shayne but has the most passion for Chelsea. Both mom and dad then tell Matt that they think Shayne is most sincere. Sniveling Simon says that Chelsea is. What do you know, Simon. Go pluck your eyebrows.

Okay. Back to Barbados so that the Hilton can get their money's worth. Matt has yet another date with each girl to make up his mind. cannot possibly be struggling with this if you're planning to propose the next day. First up, date with Chelsea. He blindfolds her and takes her to a helicopter. When she sees the helicopter, she seriously begins freaking out, she's so excited. Dude. It's a helicopter. Big whop.

So she and Matt jet off to a private beach. Lots of crashing waves and romantic cheesy music. Only problem? Chelsea. At some point, she high-fives Matt and he looks like he wants to make out. This girl does not like Matt. I'm actually convinced she likes girls. Just a feeling. Although they do make out in the hallway and she pushes him out the door. Matt says "she's incredible....everything I've ever wanted." Huh. Not sure your fiance will be happy to hear that tomorrow...

Next day...his date with Shayne. She again practically tackles him. Shayne is wearing a dress that makes her look like a linebacker. I don't get it. Sometimes she seems small, other times, pretty bulky. Girlfriend needs a stylist to help her with that.

Matty and Shayne go parasailing. Shayne says she is " floating around like an angel dreaming of the man that I love." Are you kidding me? Who talks like this? Later that night, she gives him a toy monkey and a picture of her on the beach writing "I love you" in the sand. Matt tells her he is falling in love with her too.

Okay. Next've seen it all before. Standard Bachelor fare. Matt is all torn and goes looking at engagement rings anyway. The girls spend forever getting ready and admiring themselves in the mirror. We hear Matt talking about how different they are, Chelsea buzzing with energy and Shayne very warm and sincere. And the first limo arrives...the person getting the big heave-ho...and it's....Chelsea. Surprise, surprise.

She is dressed like a Greek something or other but still walks like a softball player. No grace, Girlfriend. Matt goes into his whole speech about how amazing she is're not the one. Chelsea doesn't really cry and gets a little pissy. As Matt walks her out, he keeps saying he will miss her until Chelsea says that Shayne "is the falsest one here." Then Matt gets all pissy and says "she's isn't...not the person I know. And if you think I'd wind up with a false person here, then you don't know me at all." Then he walks her butt back to the limo and slams the door, though still telling her he'll miss her. Confusing. They do the depressing drive around while Chelsea mopes. Okay. Enough already.

Shayne comes out of the limo in a short yellow dress and seems really freaked out. Matt says something like "When I saw you, I thought you were too good to be true. There's been love, kisses and monkey. I came here to find someone for the rest of my life and I know you'll always be there for me." Then he gets down on one knew and Shayne totally loses it. It's the day she's been practicing for all her life. Notice she doesn't cry....because that would ruin the make-up of course. But she does show a ton of enthusiasm, yelling "I love you" a lot. And in the end, her writers give her a great line (it sounds like something out of a Julia Roberts movie so you know she didn't come up with it)...she says "you can't look at another woman for the rest of our lives because you've already looked at enough during our relationship." Ha, ha. So clever.

Okay. There it is folks. And just in time, too because The Bachelorette starts tonight. We see lots of clips of men fighting over Deanna and calling her a Greek goddess. Uh, no. Don't think so. But beauty's in the eye of the beholder, right?

Still no rose ceremony so enjoy the show tonight!


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