Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Bachelor Round-UP..."Tommy Lasorta is an expert in relationships..."

So last night's show was a full two hours? Who knew? Certainly not me and certainly not my husband shrieks in horror when he sees it is on tv for that length of time. Yipee! I suggested he watch it with me. He suggested that he would "rather stuff staples under his nails." Okay then. Just me, the television and the phantom mice that I'm convinced are stalking me.

Chris the Dork Harrison announces to the guys that while Deanna gets to live in a fabulous mansion, the guys will be in the servants' quarters out back. 3 guys will get to be invited up to live there with her each week, if they get a rose. Their servants' quarters aren't too terrible...except for the barrack-like bunk beds and the outdoor shower. The only shower in the whole house. Seriously. ABC is really desperate to save this show...trying to show as much of these guys' skin as possible...Twilley mentions the shrinkage issue. Second time shrinkage has come up on this show before. Do men really sit around worrying about this?

Jesse, Jeremy and Rich already are living the high life with Deanna. Just to review...Jesse is the Snowboarding Dude, Rich is the somewhat cute science nerd and Jeremy is well, Everyone Hates Jeremy. He's a lawyer from Dallas and he doesn't seem all that bad but I can't decide if he's cute or not. Sometimes he is...good jawline. Sometimes no...beady eyes. Huh.

Oh and by the way...scratch what I said before about Boston accents being the worst ever. Thanks to Fred the Lawyer on the this show...Chicago accents win. Hands down. Didn't even know a person could sound like this. It's like, he's putting it on or something. Maybe he is.

First date is a group date with Secret Dad Jason, Ryan the Big V, Twilley, Paul from Canada, Chicago Fred, Science guy and Sean the Martial Arts guy. They are going to some underground magic club in LA. How lame. Magic shows are right up there with circuses and parades for me. Should be fun only...they're not.

The magician in this show makes Deanna disappear with Jason. They have a very deep chat about salsa and the song PYT (singing Na-na-na!). Of course, Jason neglects to mention he has a child. Again. This is going to come back to bite him...

Then Deanna has some alone time with Martial Arts Dude Sean. Sean's eyes are incredibly close together, making him look instantly evil. The best part of the conversation is that a player piano in the background keeps playing songs in reaction to whatever Sean is saying. Basically, the piano is scoring their conversation. It's quite funny, really. Only Sean doesn't think so. You get the feeling he would karate chop it in half, given the opportunity.

Ryan the Big V spends all of his one-on-one time talking about himself and why he's so special. Deanna didn't look like she was doing any talking at all, except to say "I'm afraid I might corrupt you." He says he believe in faith, family and football. Hmm...in that order? I'm getting the feeling that Big V acts all nice but deep down is very full of himself. Lots of pent-up rage and.....other stuff.

For some reason, all the guys do magic tricks for Deanna. Only Twilley puts on a play that actually has five acts. No one looks amused. Let me tell you what I think of Twilley. You know that guy in high school who thought he was funnier than he really was and very loud? You know, the one you wanted to punch? Twilley.

Paulie the Candian tells Deanna that despite being 23, he is ready to be married. Oh and by the way, he's already been engaged. He hugs Deanna which takes her by surprise, sort of like he's an overeager pup. But then she gives him the first impression rose. Huh? Okay. Clearly ABC is keeping him around for something.

Okay. First-one-on=one date goes to Graham. Not a surprise since you could tell Deanna really likes him, calling him "a hotter than crap Southern guy." He is definitely a tall drink of water. They ride to the beach in a convertible and act all cute on the beach trying to fly a kite. Then Graham tells her he just got out of a relationship but he wants to be happy and make a connection.

For some reason, this freaks out Deanna. First of all, Graham tells her this is the first relationship he's ever been in and he's in his 30's so that says something. Secondly, she is worried he just wants to be in a relationship and doesn't care if it's with her. So she gets all stand-offish until Graham tells her to get closer. She eventually gives him a rose and they smooch. Not so surprising. I've decided I think Graham is cute in a Pink Panther kind of a way.

So then they are back at the mansion and saying goodbye. Twilley is lurking in the bushes, spying on them. He says he gets the feeling that Deanna "does not have a case of the Twilleys." Neither do I and if I ever do, I will get an antibotic to get rid of it. He pops out, a leaf still on his head and tells her how much his friends and family would love her. She nods and looks around, plotting her getaway.

Next day...a baseball date. The boys are psyched. Chris, Big Chef Robert, Football Coach Brian, Jesse the Snowboard Dude, Ron the Barber, Eric the Greek and Everybody hates Jeremy are all going to dodger stadium. But that's not all Tommy Lasorda is there too. He gives lots of pep talks about believing in yourself. What the hell is Tommy Larsorda doing on this show? Very confusing. Does he know he is there?

It starts with them forcing Chris to sing the National Anthem. I use the word "sing" loosely. Holy cow, is he bad. Like Roseanne Barr bad. Only Roseanne Barr knew the words. Chris doesn't. To add insult to injury...he was a minor league ball player! Which means he had lots of opportunity to hear it! What the hell?

Then there is a homerun derby. Ten swings, whoever gets the most homeruns gets alone time with Deanna.

Ron the Barber gets two homes. Greek Dude gets one. Football Coach Brian gets two. Jesse the Snowboarder gets one. Our supposed pro ball player Chris strikes out. Booooo! I love how Tommy Lasorda gives him hell for this. Chef Robert makes some comment about how "if we had a challenge in the kitchen, the dance floor or in the bedroom, I'd be in my element." Dude. This guy needs to leave. Take your big pink self and go home.

Everybody hates Jeremy hits 6 homeruns which excites Deanna. She grabs him by the hand and drags him off to the dugout. Here Jeremy tells her both his parents have passed away. You can tell this makes her like him even more, since they now have something in common. Deanna gives him a rose...which the other guys have to watch via the Jumbotron. Hee-hee.

Tommy Lasorda meanwhile is giving Deanna relationship advice, something about a crystal ball?

Rose ceremony time...there is some brouhaha over Jeremy hogging Deanna time. Ryan the Big V calls him the D-word. So much for Mr. Faith/Family guy.

Who's in? Well, Jeremy, Graham and Canadian Paul are safe. The other who get to stay are

Ron the Barber
Jesse the Dude
Chef Robert
Brian the Coach
Jason the Secret DAd
Chicago Fred
Sean Hi-yaa!
Richard the Geek
Twilley? What the heck????

Chris the not so pro-ball player, Greek Eric and Ryan the Big V are out. The Big V gets kind of nasty in the end, even though he says "he was voted most friendly in 8th grade." Dude, you're still living off that past glory? Time to move on, friend. He didn't seem so friendly as he kicked a puppy on the way out.

And there we have it. Another week.


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