Keep calm and carry cupcakes

It's true. I've become one of those people who tells everyone everything her kid says.

But A. is just so wise. Does this sound sarcastic? It totally isn't.

Seriously, if I could just live by her rules, my life would be a whole lot better.

We have a poster in our house, a reprint of an English propaganda poster that you've probably seen, oh, everywhere. It says "Keep Calm and Carry On." Because really, my husband and I need to remember that more often. We were helping A. sound out the letters of it. Only she revised it to make it more her speed "keep calm and carry cupcakes." So much better, when you think about it.

A few others of her concepts to live by (my words, her ideas):


Shiny things are far superior to non-shiny things.

Pretend cooking is better than real cooking.

Waiting for a swing for a long time is worth it if that's what you really want to do.

Why sleep by yourself if you don't have to?

Orange cauliflower and purple potatoes taste better than white cauliflower and white potatoes.

Toys aren't fun if you don't have anyone to play with.

When in doubt, twirl.

Why I didn't blog about The Bachelor Wedding.

I watched it, all right. Much to the dismay of my husband.

But as I did, I remembered something. Oh yeah. Weddings are boring.

Certainly not if it is your own (hopefully) and not if it is the wedding of someone you love and care for a lot. But in general, the rest of them are kinda...blah. Particularly if the bride and groom are blah. Sorry Jason and Molly. But it's true.

So. Never fear. I will be blogging about the Bachelorette come May. And more random stuff, whenever I have the time. Assuming you care.

Happy Wednesday, everyone.

The rest of it....

Okay...I'm back.

The next part of the Tenley date is somewhat pathetic. She says "I thought our chemistry was unbelievable." This evening is Tenley's very G-rated attempt at seducing Jake. The bluebirds and bunnies shake their heads sadly and cover their eyes. She lights a lot of candles and shows some leg. Jake barely seems to notice.

JAKE: My timing was horrible for that conversation on the boat. I apologize that I made you feel the way you did. I love your eyes, smile, the way you kissed me. I love that you didn't shut me down.

TENLEY: I'm oddly thankful you were completely honest.

Oh come on, Tenley....must you be so cheerful? She then suggestively invites him into the bedroom. Jake pretends like he is excited by this notion, jumping into the bed. Tenley sneaks over to the nightstand and gets something out. It's a red negligee...oh, no. It's a red present. It's like a scrapbook of their fortunes and their first kisses and some other crap that women think is important that men couldn't care less about.

JAKE (TO THE CAMERA): The girl has a heart of gold.

TENLEY (TO THE CAMERA): I will prove our chemistry is real in every single way.

Only...I don't think she did. I don't think she can. Poor dear has the sexuality of Snow White.

The next part of the show is the filler...with Jakie contemplating his choices. Of course, like every bachelor, he is "torn." I call bs on this. No one is torn the day before they are going to propose, I firmly believe that. Still, he meets the jeweler Neil Lane and picks out two different rings. Not surprisingly, Tenley likes the classic round cut and Vienna likes the over-the-top bling-y one. Jakie studies the rings, camera gets so close, we see nose hair. He wells up. He cries for real. He juts out his jaw Tom Cruise-style.

And then it's the big day. Tenley decks herself out in a golden princess dress, checking out her tush in the mirror. The bluebirds and bunnies cross their fingers for her but they know. Everyone knows. Except Tenley, apparently. She says "I feel giddy, blissful, my heart is joyful."And then she sees Jake.

JAKE: We've had an amazing time getting to know each other. We have the same values and positivity. BUT..

BIG SOB FROM THE JAKESTER. SHE THEN STARTS SOBBING.

JAKE: You're perfect but I don't know what it is...something doesn't feel right.

TENLEY: I want a man who loves me for me. Thanks for showing me what I could have.

JAKE STARTS TO SHOW HER THE DOOR. TENLEY CONTINUES TO TALK, CRYING PRETTILY. SERIOUSLY, SHE LOOKS GREAT. I WOULD HAVE A RED NOSE AND BLOTCHES ALL OVER MY FACE BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE COULD BE IN A MAKEUP COMMERCIAL.

TENLEY: I can let someone love me now. Thanks for making me feel special.

JAKE STOPS AND HUGS HER.

TENLEY: I'm not ready to say goodbye. Why are you saying goodbye?

JAKE: Some part of this isn't coming naturally. Will you please stop thanking me now?

BUT SHE IS STILL TALKING. CHRIS ESCORTS HER OFF. TENLEY CRIES IN THE LIMO. A BLUEBIRD HANDS HER A TISSUE.

TENLEY: I haven't found happiness yet because it hasn't been right. Jake will see the mistake he's made.

AND IN THAT BIZARRO HAPPINESS THAT ONLY THE TRULY OPTIMISTIC CAN RADIATE, SHE SMILES.

Okay. Back to reality. Vienna is nervous. She gets out of the helicopter and says "when I found Jake is when I found myself." As she walks up to podium she whispers...

VIENNA: I'm completely in love with you.

JAKE (WHISPERING): I think you're an amazing woman. That's why I'm going to give you back the promise ring from your father. I can't keep it.

WHY IS EVERYONE WHISPERING ANYWAY? I FEEL LIKE I'M WATCHING ALL MY CHILDREN. NOT THAT I EVER WATCHED ALL MY CHILDREN. OKAY, MAYBE I DID WATCH AS THE WORLD TURNS SOMETIMES IN HIGH SCHOOL BUT DEFINITELY NOT SINCE THEN. ANYWAY, VIENNA LOOKS A BIT FREAKED OUT, THINKING THIS MEANS JAKE HASN'T PICKED HER.

JAKE: Wait, I want you to remember this. I love you.

VIENNA: I love you!

CUE ON THE WINGS OF LOVE. OF COURSE THEY DO.

JAKE: Will you marry me?

WELL, DUH OF COURSE SHE WILL. WHO ELSE IS SHE GOING TO MARRY, ONE OF HER CUSTOMERS FROM HOOTERS?

And they live happily ever after....

"See?" My husband says. "It's over. No more."

I point excitedly at the television. There is Chris Harrison's happy smiling face. It's After the Final Rose! Husband rolls his eyes and leaves the room.

This show was so boring. Mainly, poor Tenley STILL can't figure out why Jake didn't want to pick her. Poor thing. She tells Jake he smells good. He keeps telling her they had no "magical" spark. She doesn't understand that by "magical" Jake really means sexual. I don't think she gets it. And she might never get it. Jake tells her "you are the most precious thing in the whole world." Still doesn't mean he wants to get busy with her. Simple as that.

And then Jake tries to explain to everyone why he picked Vienna.

JAKE: She's my baby. I've never had this much heat in a relationship.

TRANSLATION: I'VE NEVER BEEN PROPERLY SHAGGED UNTIL NOW.

JAKE: I wanted to date out of my comfort zone.

TRANSLATION: SURE, SHE'S KINDA SKANKY. BUT IN A GOOD WAY.

JAKE: My soul mate is Vienna.

TRANSLATION: I NEED TO KEEP TALKING THIS WAY SO I KEEP GETTING SHAGGED.

And then they bring out Vienna and talk about how the tabloids have been fabricating things. She says she is moving to Dallas immediately. And then they bring out Jeffrey Osborne. Who is Jeffrey Osborne? Let me refresh your memory...

ON THE WINGS OF LOVE...ONLY THE TWO OF US...TOGETHER FLYING HIGH.....

Oh yes, he serenades them. And they dance. And do you know why?

BECAUSE JAKE IS GOING TO BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS!!!

Hello? Does this boy not have a job? Doesn't he need to fly some planes occasionally to be considered a pilot?

And then they reveal who the next Bachelorette will be...drumroll please...Ali! She declares she would like 50 men to choose from, not 25. Ha ha. Not funny. You think you are, but you're not. I don't dig this chick and her 500 yellow dresses. She's not nearly as charming and cute as she thinks she is. And ultimately, she is a Mean Girl. Of course, this doesn't mean I won't watch the show. It just means I am going to be more brutal than usual.

Next week...we get to watch Jason the Bachelor marry Molly in a huge overpriced extravaganza! Is it wrong to mock someone's nuptials? Perhaps. Do I care? Not so much.

Have a good week...I'll be blogging about the wedding next Tuesday!

Hope you enjoyed the season,
Nan

The Bachelor Finale..."Him and Me are in love."

So no big surprises last night. Vienna and Jake are in love. Jakie Jake picked the bad girl over the big girl. Thanks to Reality Steve and all the tabloids, we all knew this weeks ago. Yet it didn't stop us from watching three whole hours of it.

I will admit it. I started watching at 8:15. Husband got home later than expected so it could not be helped. I will admit to starting bathtime earlier. As usual, this did not result in an earlier bedtime but in several more renditions of "Part of Your World" (if you what I'm talking about, you clearly have 3-year-old girl...if not, it is Ariel-related and you can scoff at my considerable un-hipness). Anyway, by the time I entered the World O' Bachelor, Tenley was busy winning over Jakie's family. Here was her conversation with Jake's dear old dad:

TENLEY: I was hurt by my past in-laws. I want someone who will take me in and love me.

JAKE'S DAD'S CHIN BEGINS TO TREMBLE. HE CANNOT SPEAK. TENLEY PULLS HIM IN FOR AN EMBRACE AS HE COATS HER PRINCESS HAIR WITH TEARS.

DAD: I do believe I just met my future daughter-in-law.

JAKE'S MOM: There are no red flags with her.

Of course not. She is you, 30 years younger. Minus the princess voice.

Jake says "my family is smitten with Tenley." Jake and Tenley all talk about how perfect they are for each other. The bluebirds and rabbits high-five each other and start baking a ten-layer wedding cake with big pink roses on it. Jake shows off his impulsive side by jumping into the pool and taking Tenley with him, squealing all the way. Then his brothers (those crazy kids) do the same thing and they all embrace in a family hug. Puke.

MOM: Jake would be blessed to have Tenley. I don't know why he is conflicted. They seem like the perfect couple.

And then it's Vienna's turn to meet the family. She shows up with a big fruit basket. Yeah. It's going to take more than that, girlfriend. Jake says "I shouldn't have told my parents this is the girl no one likes." Y'think? Here is how the first meeting with the 'rents went, complete with significant looks and rolling eyes.

MOM: So where are you from?

VIENNA: Geneva, Florida. It's mostly woods and dirt. We have a flashing light now, still no stoplight.

MOM: Why did you have trouble getting along with the other girls in the group?

VIENNA: Because I'm brutally honest.

SISTER-IN-LAW LAURA: You seem very different from Tenley.

VIENNA: Because I'm not a robot.

This is apparently a very shocking thing to say in this group. I get the feeling Jake's family aren't into mocking people. I get the feeling I wouldn't do very well in this situation either. My guess is that these guys play a lot of Uno. Maybe Balderdash on a really crazy night.

Mom pulls Jake aside and says "It bothers me she couldn't get along with the other women." Jake says "oh, she just says things that poke." Mom says "she'll poke at you eventually." Jake says to camera "this isn't happening between Mom and Vienna."

The sister-in-laws do a sit-down with Vienna.

Sis-in-law Laura: Tenley gets along with everyone.

VIENNA: But she's annoying.

SISTER-IN-LAW: Does this happen to you a lot in life where people don't like you?

VIENNA, TWIRLING HER FAKE GROSS BARBIE EXTENSIONS: Sometimes.

SISTER-IN-LAW: Won't you be shocked if he doesn't choose you in the end?

VIENNA LOOKS SHOCKED, AS THOUGH THIS HAS NEVER OCCURRED TO HER. AND THEN SHE SAYS: He brings out the best in me.

Then Mom takes her to task and pulls Vienna aside for some alone time. Mom is none too pleased with this woman. Seriously, would you want to stare at that creepy fake Barbie hair for the rest of your days? Listen to that bad grammar on your deathbed?

MOM: It's important that you get along with my daughter-in-laws. Women are the glue of the family. You need to be strong to be married to pilot.

VIENNA (IN A VERY SMALL VOICE): Well, I'll have you guys.

MOM: That's right. You will. You've changed my mind.

Well, that was fast. Apparently, Vienna won over the sister-in-laws too. One sister-in-law even begins to cry because she feels bad for judging her. Meanwhile, Jake is staring at Vienna like she is already his wife.

MOM (TO VIENNA): We're a little bit protective, can you tell?

Tell you what. They acted all nicey nice now. But Vienna and this mother are going to be a constant source of friction. Mark my words. Those righteous blue eyes will burn holes in Vienna's unholy, spray-tanned skin.

Okay. So now Jake has one more date with Vienna and one more with Tenley before he has to make his decision. First up, Vienna. He is taking her to some steamy sulpher springs. Girlfriend doesn't don't want to play in the mud...at first. Then she realizes that it will look like a Playboy video as they cover themselves with mud. Jake says "I enjoyed covering you with mud." He then admits "I need to make sure I'm not so attracted to Vienna that it gets in the way of what I need in a wife."

Nighttime. Vienna takes off the promise ring from her father to signal to Jake she is ready to spend the rest of her life with him.

VIENNA: I know we have chemistry. But I also want to know I'm your best friend and rock.

She then reads him a cheesy letter and says something about "him and I are in love." Sigh. Really? That's the best you got, kid?

Next day, big date with Tenley. They are going on a boat.

TENLEY: Oh my gosh!! I'm so excited!! Isn't it exciting??

A stream of exclamations trail after Tenley wherever she goes. Meanwhile, Jake is clearly not into her and looks down.

TENLEY: Am I too much to handle?

Uh, no, Tenley, you're not. And that's the problem.

JAKE: You've captivated me emotionally.

Uh oh. I sense a big old but coming on here.

JAKE: But sometimes the physical chemistry isn't as hot as the emotional chemistry.

TENLEY: I feel it. I think we have heat.

JAKE: It's building slowly.

TENLEY STARTS TO CRY. YOU CAN SEE JAKE CONSIDERING JUMPING OFF THE BOAT.

TENLEY: I want someone who wants all of me.

JAKE: I'm not saying I'm not that guy.

But he is.

Okay. That's about halfway...more to come later.

"Him and me are in love..."

I think Vienna has a bright future ahead of her as an English teacher. But she will also be Mrs. Pavelka.

I've got three hours to blog about so it may be a while....

Have a good one,

N