Why I'm done with Facebook

I could say it's because my mother just friended me. Which she did. But that's not why.

I could say it's because I've had some misunderstandings with people on there. Which I have. Particularly with ones I knew in high school. Particularly during election season. Because on Facebook....as in email...there is no "tone of voice." I've always thought my writing style would let people know not to take me seriously most (perhaps all) of the time but apparently not. But that's not why.

I could say it's because I don't care what your top favorite beers are, or what your favorite flowers or whether or not you saw Kiss live in concert. That's annoying, but that's not why.

I think I'm done with Facebook because...I don't want to know anymore.

On the plus side, Facebook has helped me get back in touch with a good amount of people who I like a lot. But it has also made some reappear who should have just remained out of my life.

I'm glad to see all the smiling faces of friends past and their cute kids and I'm pleased that most people are healthy and happy. A few are not. And while that's sad, I suppose that is part of living. And what it is to be a part of a community.

But you know? I think I'm done.

I've reached my limit with the cute status updates (a dream for a writer at first and then it becomes another assignment). I'm finished with friending, de-friending, blocking and all the drama surrounding it. It makes me feel like I'm back in high school. And I hated high school.

But mostly, I want my life back in real time.

I want phone calls. Personal emails that 300 people can't read. And actual lunch dates with people...real, breathing ones, not just the ones grinning at me on my computer.

I'm not saying I'll go cold turkey on it. I don't think I can. It's like dieting...I think I just need to wean myself away from it. But slowly, slowly, I will disappear from the world of Facebook. Taking some old faces with me as souvenirs.

Things you never thought you'd hear yourself saying....

but once you're a parent, all bets are off.

"Please don't put that up your pasta up your nose and then eat it."

"I'm not sure if the bunny has a peny or not."

"No, I don't think you should give yourself a beard with that hummus."

"Some turtles have penys. Some don't."

"Thank you. I think you smell like meatballs, too."

"Everyone has a heiny. Really. I'm sure of it."

"I'm not bossy. I'm your mommy so I'm supposed to tell you what to do."

"Because you need a heiny to poop, that's why."

"Yes. I am the Queen."

All aboard...even the annoying people.

One of the things I love most about NYC is also one of the things I hate about it.

The train.

Now, I know I've written about it before. But train rides never cease to amaze me. Since we're all forced to commute together, we are forced to come into close contact with lots of people we normally wouldn't. This can be good. Or bad.

Like this morning. I got on the train at my usual time...no seat to be found. Which was fine; I had on comfortable shoes and a new book so I was good to go. Until some guy slammed me in the back with his duffel bag. I looked back to see who'd smacked me and the guy glowered in my direction and said "Life's rough, isn't it. Living in the big city." Really. And a fine Monday morning to you too. I've come to realize that being nasty back would just feed into this kind of person so I just give him a look and move on.

It shouldn't bother me. I should be used to this, I've been here long enough. But I still don't understand the lack of common courtesy. The worst instance of train rudeness had to be on an Acela from NYC to Philly where a man claimed I was sitting in his seat (I wasn't...it was empty when I plopped myself down). To prove his point, the man decided to sit down ON TOP OF ME. I should also add I was pregnant at the time.

Then there was the time on the F train when a man started sniffing me and asked if I had just shampooed. And who can forget the morning when a man dragging a Cinderella suitcase burst through the subway car, threw a penny on the ground and sang out "who want to get their balls licked?" Yes, folks. All true. Though I don't if that counts as rude or just bizarre.

Still, there's the good stuff, too. Like the fact that A. has played peek-a-boo with many a random stranger. Or that it's always the roughest, toughest-looking teenager who gives up his seat for pregnant chicks. Or that when A. says good-bye to everyone in the subway car, almost everyone waves good-bye back.

In the meantime, to the fellow who slammed me in the back this morning, I would like to say...be careful. Karma's a funny thing. And it can be a whole lot more impactful than a duffel bag in the back.

Passover...new and improved!

Maybe it's the ad girl in me but I always love when I product has been "new and improved" in some way...complete with a bright orange starburst on it. So now that we're in the midst of the Passover holiday, I just can't resist brainstorming on how to change it up....freshen it a bit. It's been over a thousand years, surely Passover could use an update:

1. Passover needs a spokes-animal. Easter has one. Nothing says fun holiday like a cute little animal bringing you chocolate. My vote is for a Passover Hedgehog. Chipmunks are too over-used and Christmas has already laid claim to reindeer.

2. Seasoned matzo. Seriously, you know unleavened bread would taste much better with some Cool Ranch seasoning. Maybe Nacho Cheese. Or how about Salt-n-Vinegar?

3. Elijah. What do we really know about this character? Is he a buff Mr. Clean? Or a friendly Green Giant? If we want people to care about him, let's give him some characteristics. I'm willing to guess he has a beard and speaks with an English accent. Should he wear a bow tie? Maybe cargo pants? Definitely Converse sneakers.

4. The plagues. What could be better than the Passover story? All kinds of gratuitous violence. We really need to play that up, people love blood and pestilence. Give the haggadah a PG-13 rating and everyone would want to dive right into it.

5. Don't you think a guy dressed up as Moses deserves a spot in the mall where kids can sit on his lap and take his picture?

6. I think gefilte fish gets a bad rap. Why? Because it's unattractive. It tastes perfectly good but the fact that it looks like brains doesn't do it any favors. I think we just need to make it look pretty, say, like sushi. Gefilte fish just needs a good art director.

7. Let's talk about the Four Questions. It's supposed to be read by the youngest member at the table, right? Well, let's give it to a young pop star...Demi Lovato or Taylor Swift, maybe? Let them have a go at it, pop it on Radio Disney, presto, you've got yourselves a hit. I'm willing to bet those Jonas Brothers would do it...don't they totally look like someone you sat next to in Hebrew school?

That's it friends. Any other suggestions, let me know. Oh...and happy "new and improved" Passover.