Bachelor Round-Up "You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime..."

"Just smile for me and let the day begin
You are the sunshine that lights my heat within
I'm sure that you're an angel in disguise
Come take my hand and together we will rise

On the wings of love
Up and above the clouds
The only way to fly
Is on the wings of love
On the wings of love
Only the two of us
Together flying high
Flying high
Upon the wings of love..."

Seriously. Doesn't it make you throw up in your mouth a little?

And yet. The producers at ABC thought this was a good theme song for our new Bachelor, Jake.

Anyone else get the feeling they were trying to rip off "Top Gun" in the beginning of The Bachelor last night? Just Jakie Jake, a real man's man if I ever saw one, wearing his Aviator glasses taking off down the highway on his motorcycle. At one point, he pauses. And...cue the sunset! Cue the birds! Cue Jake's sculptured jawline! Jake is just like Maverick! At this point in the game, is Tom Cruise really the man you want to emulate??

Let me start by saying this...I like Jake. I do. He is a little too earnest, sincere and squeaky clean for his own good. But. There is something about these qualities that are also incredibly endearing. Of course, he has such high moral standards that I'm not sure any woman is ever going to measure up. And I'm pretty certain he might iron his underwear. That being said, I'm sure he looks really nice doing it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

What did we learn last night? Well, for starters...there will be a lot of tears this season. Or almost tears. You know the kind. Like when your eyes well up but don't actually overflow. Picture Emilio Estevez in "The Breakfast Club" when he's talking about his dad. You know what I mean. Last night, as Jake talked about meeting his future wife, he did that almost-tears thing and said "I'm going to walk out of here with a fiance." I checked the clock. It was only 8:05. Five minutes into the show and we already had tears. It was going to be a long night.

Or as about 8 or 9 bachelorettes said last night "It's going to be a bumpy ride." Seriously, ABC, how many more of these pilot puns are we going to have endure this season?

So we briefly meet some of the bachelorettes as they prepare to come on the show. A few highlights...Ali, a pretty blonde who's last boyfriend used to sneak out of her room while she was sleeping to have relations with her roommate. Alexa "I love straddling my Harley." Tenley "I played Arielle, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella in Disney World, teee-hee...and I just know my prince is waiting for me." Christina is "a guy's girl and I'm a little bitchy." Vienna the Paris Hilton-Wanna-Be who totes her little dog Chloe around everywhere who has a "daddy who bought me like five cars because I keep crashing them." Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska who looks like Courtney Cox with fake boobs. Gia is a "fitness model"...which I think means you have an excellent body but face, not so much. Emily is also a fit model. Is this a popular occupation? How does one become one? There's Tiana, who I thought was Disney's newest princess (she is in my house) but on the Bachelor, it means you are a tall blonde Canadian who considers herself old at age 31.

All right. Next Maverick, er, Jake pulls up at the Bachelor Mansion on his motorcycle. The driveway is wet as usual. Why is it always wet? This is Southern California, for G-d's sake. Chris the Dork Harrison and Jake have a little sit-down together. Jake's eyes well up AGAIN as he says his parents still hold hands in the grocery store and he's haunted by loneliness. Chris Harrison says "I hear you have a lot of first dates but not seconds." Jake's lower lip starts to tremble.

And then it's time to meet the ladies! Here are some initial impressions, so you can keep them all straight:

First girl out is Rozlyn. She is beautiful in a truly unexceptional way. She looks like a much skinner, not as interesting Scarlet Johanson. She is also the first to say "fasten your seat belt, it's going to be a bumpy ride." Ha ha. Good one.

Next up...Emily. She is tiny with dark hair, green eyes, green dress and teeth like Chicklets.

Next is Ali, a cute blonde in a very yellow dress. She tickles Jake with a peacock feather. He seems thrilled.

Jessie. A slim brunette with curly hair and a bit of a deer-in-the-headlights stare. She touches Jake's arm and says "do you have a registry for those guns?" Oy.

Next is our Disney princess, Tenley. She pops out of the limo and a trail of bluebirds follow her singing. She also looks a lot like Christina Applegate.

Next is Ella, the hairstylist from Knoxville with a son. She does that neat little trick of "hey what's on your shirt" and then knocks Jake in the nose. Some people find that endearing. I think it is seriously annoying.

Next up is Kathryn, a blonde flight attendant in a very fluffy purple dress.

Next is Caitlyn, who I forgot existed until I just checked my notes. She is a brunette in a blue sparkly dress who I literally never saw again for the rest of the show.

Then there is Elizabeth, the air captain who is about as serious as a heart attack. She asks Jake if he prefers to be called Jacob.

Alexa is a blonde wearing motorcycle gloves. We don't see much of her after this either.

Then there is Vienna, the Paris Wannabe. She gets out and touches Jake's abs. She is blond and kinda cross-eyed.

Next is Corrie from Kissimmee. This is a town close to Orlando. She also charms Jake by saying "what do you think about kissimmee?" He blushes and then she explains herself. Big laughs shared by all.

Then there is Kimberly, a dancer from Oklahoma. Not very memorable except for...hmm. That's all I got.

Then there is Valishia, who is a brunette in a red dress who gives Jake some dirt from Texas.

Next is Gia, the fitness model who also owns a hair salon. I found her mouth kinda distracting but she has a certain look.

Then there is Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska. Again...picture Courtney Cox with freckles.

There's Channy, wearing a very short yellow dress that barely covers her landing strip. At least that's what she tells him in Cambodian.

There's the brunette Ashley, a teacher in a pink dress.

And then there is Tiana, the fake blonde from Canada who reminded me of Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter.

Dear G-d, does this ever end??? I've been writing this for almost an hour now and I'm still not done.

Next is Christina, who comes carrying jellybeans as parting gifts for all the girls because she is sure she will win. Way to make friends, Christina.

Then there is blonde Ashleigh, who trips and winds up in the Bachelor's arms. I don't think she faked it, it was a pretty big trip.

Next is Kirsten, a blond waitress. I don't think we see her again.

Next up is Stephanie in a short gold dress. She is a dance coach.

Then there is Sheila, who walks up in aviator glasses because hey, she's an aviator too. Never mind that it looks like crap with an evening gown.

And finally, there is Michelle, who acts like a airplane as she gets out of the limo. Does it sound stupid? Yup, it was.

Okay. Well. I think I'm going to need to take a break now. I've got to do some work before I leave so tune in later for the rest. More to come!

"You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime."

The great thing about the Bachelor? There is never a shortage of dumb quotes. Ever.

I have high hopes for this season, folks. But let me say...with all the talk about values and morals, it's going to be a PG-rated season. I think Harry Potter may be steamier than this.

Still. I'll totally be watching.

More to come later.

Tomorrow night's the night....

it's Bachelor time...

Two hours of squeaky clean Jake. Two hours of pleated khakis and extra white smiles. It's either going to be really great (in a cheesy way) or just awful.

But there's only one way to find out...

The train wreck starts tomorrow night at 8pm. Enjoy!

What are your hopes and dreams for the New Year?

Everybody wants something. For our three-year-old, it's a Tiana princess doll. And a Blackberry.

We are so not Blackberry people. Like my husband has one but...barely uses it. I just requested one from work so I don't even have one in the house. Yet A. insists she needs one. Why?

"Homsa has one."

Homsa is her "friend." Apparently, I don't know her. She isn't from preschool or the park or Barnes & Nobles. Homsa is from Norida. I asked A. if that's near Florida. It isn't.

Homsa also kicks and can be very mean. But not all the time. Homsa has a friend named Lisa who she is always calling on her Blackberry. A. says if she has a Blackberry, then she will be able to call Homsa. But if Homsa is mean, I ask, why does she need to call her?

An eyeroll. I actually got one of those. At age 3.

So what are my hopes and dreams for the New Year? Frankly, I don't feel like sharing. It's like when people ask you what you are thankful for on Thanksgiving. I just basically think it is no one's beeswax. Not trying to be a brat, I just think it's personal.

So if anyone asks, I'll talk a Tiana doll. And The Bachelor show returning. Which it is.

But that's not what I really want.

And no, it's not a Blackberry.

P.S. In case you happen to follow The Bachelor, go to abc.com to play the Rose Ceremony Game.

Happy New Bachelor...almost!

So much to look forward to in the new year....starting with our new Bachelor...Mr. Pleated Khakis himself, Jake.

Everyone seems to be worried that he's going to be boring so...clearly ABC is trying to spice things up by releasing the news that one of the contestants has been hooking up with a crew member! Excellent! Because you know Jake is too straight-arrow for any funny business. Good start, ABC. Keep it coming.

In the meantime, the show premieres on January 4th at 8pm. More news to come...

Who is Torsten Krol?

So I just finished reading a fabulous book. I do not say this lightly. Very few books leave feeling fully satisfied. Either I like the story but not the writing style. Or I like the writing style and the story goes no where. Never fear, I am equally harsh on my own writing.

When I picked up the book The Dolphin People, I had zero expectations. For some reason, I thought it was a young adult novel which is why I chose it. Mostly because I find adult novels lately to be so angst-ridden, they can be a bit soul-crushing.

This was not a young adult novel. Nor was it depressing. I don't want to give too much away. But it follows the tale of a German family post-WWII after their plane crashes in the jungle. An Amazonian Indian tribe finds them and believes they are dolphin people who came out of the river. The German family must do all they can to keep this illusion going in order to survive. But this blog post isn't about the book. It's about the author.

On the book cover, it says..this book was written by Torsten Krol. Nothing further is known about him.

Pulease. What a drama queen.

I can appreciate if you want your anonymity but seriously, why all the dramatics?

Unless. You aren't who you say you are.

Of course, I had to google the guy and read everything I could find out about him. It appears that he might live in Australia. Or he might in reality not be Torsten Krol...but Stephen King.

This is not a horror novel. But the tone of voice in it is pretty confident. It seems to me that the person who wrote this has written lots of other things. Not just one other novel (something called Callisto and the only reason I didn't run out and buy is because it's about the war in Iraq and that topic makes me sick to my stomach.)

I'm convinced Torsten Krol is the pen name of someone more famous. And I'm so pissed that I can't find out who. Someone out there has to know. By the way, I am guessing Stephen King because the name doesn't sound unlike Torsten Krol. And because Stephen King has written lots of things beyond the horror genre that are fabulous, like "The Green Mile" and "Stand By Me."

Just for the record, if I ever get a novel published, I promise to be the biggest media whore ever. My public deserves it.

Princess Stalking

So we went to Disney. Not a long trip. Just one day at the Magic Kingdom. But apparently, long enough to stalk princesses.

Now. I knew A. liked princesses. I didn't know she thought of them as rock stars. This became clear the moment we entered the park and spotted Snow White. Overall, I think Snow White looked a bit sweaty. Yes, I know...Florida humidity. Unfortunately, she had to go somewhere (a date with Sleepy? a power walk with Grumpy?)and left. Apparently, that still counted as "seeing" her.

One princess down. A whole lot more to go.

So we headed over to Toon Town which is apparently where you can meet three princesses all at one time. It's a crap shoot because you never know who you are going to get. When we reached the front of the line, we discovered we had hit the Princess Trifecta...Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Belle. I had warned A. that we might not see Sleeping Beauty because she naps a lot. But she was there, platinum wig and all.

Here's where it got weird. A. would barely look/talk/interact with the princesses. Mostly she stuck her hands in her mouth.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh, I see you are wearing a dress with berries on it. I was just out picking berries this morning.

A: ??????

CINDERELLA: Oh my, what a lovely barrette you are wearing.

A: ?????

BELLE: Look! We both have brown hair!

A: ??????

Now, maybe A. just thought these were dumb conversations to have and didn't want to waste her time. She wouldn't be wrong. Or maybe she was frightened by their eye shadow. I was. In any event, four princesses down. More to go.

Ariel is not completely a princess but a princess mermaid. Apparently, this means she gets her own venue. The line streamed round and round at Ariel's grotto. When we finally got inside, Ariel was like really tiny. And she had a fake midriff. That is....she had a fabric tummy. No matter. A. wouldn't talk to her either. She spent most of the time inspecting the palm of her hand. Ariel checked it out too. Four princesses and one princess/mermaid down. I assumed we were done. Oh no.

We walked over to the Small World ride and A. got hysterical that Jasmine wasn't there. I explained that I didn't know where Jasmine was because she was a lesser princess and didn't get her own real estate. This only made the crying worse. Luckily, an employee from Small World overheard us and made a phone call to track down Jasmine. No joke, she really did. This is why Disney rocks.

Apparently, Jasmine would be appearing with Aladdin by the Magic Carpet ride at 11:15. After It's a Small World, we raced over to meet her. Aladdin could have been invisible for all she cared. A. only had eyes for Jasmine. Jasmine actually did show her midriff which made her quite popular with the Dads.

After that, A. had no need to meet any characters. She seemed to have forgotten about Mulan and Pochantas which is good. We stopped stalking and started having fun.

I promise. No more princess postings after this. Next post...why the Rainforest Cafe is my idea of hell.