Tomorrow night's the night....

it's Bachelor time...

Two hours of squeaky clean Jake. Two hours of pleated khakis and extra white smiles. It's either going to be really great (in a cheesy way) or just awful.

But there's only one way to find out...

The train wreck starts tomorrow night at 8pm. Enjoy!

What are your hopes and dreams for the New Year?

Everybody wants something. For our three-year-old, it's a Tiana princess doll. And a Blackberry.

We are so not Blackberry people. Like my husband has one but...barely uses it. I just requested one from work so I don't even have one in the house. Yet A. insists she needs one. Why?

"Homsa has one."

Homsa is her "friend." Apparently, I don't know her. She isn't from preschool or the park or Barnes & Nobles. Homsa is from Norida. I asked A. if that's near Florida. It isn't.

Homsa also kicks and can be very mean. But not all the time. Homsa has a friend named Lisa who she is always calling on her Blackberry. A. says if she has a Blackberry, then she will be able to call Homsa. But if Homsa is mean, I ask, why does she need to call her?

An eyeroll. I actually got one of those. At age 3.

So what are my hopes and dreams for the New Year? Frankly, I don't feel like sharing. It's like when people ask you what you are thankful for on Thanksgiving. I just basically think it is no one's beeswax. Not trying to be a brat, I just think it's personal.

So if anyone asks, I'll talk a Tiana doll. And The Bachelor show returning. Which it is.

But that's not what I really want.

And no, it's not a Blackberry.

P.S. In case you happen to follow The Bachelor, go to abc.com to play the Rose Ceremony Game.

Happy New Bachelor...almost!

So much to look forward to in the new year....starting with our new Bachelor...Mr. Pleated Khakis himself, Jake.

Everyone seems to be worried that he's going to be boring so...clearly ABC is trying to spice things up by releasing the news that one of the contestants has been hooking up with a crew member! Excellent! Because you know Jake is too straight-arrow for any funny business. Good start, ABC. Keep it coming.

In the meantime, the show premieres on January 4th at 8pm. More news to come...

Who is Torsten Krol?

So I just finished reading a fabulous book. I do not say this lightly. Very few books leave feeling fully satisfied. Either I like the story but not the writing style. Or I like the writing style and the story goes no where. Never fear, I am equally harsh on my own writing.

When I picked up the book The Dolphin People, I had zero expectations. For some reason, I thought it was a young adult novel which is why I chose it. Mostly because I find adult novels lately to be so angst-ridden, they can be a bit soul-crushing.

This was not a young adult novel. Nor was it depressing. I don't want to give too much away. But it follows the tale of a German family post-WWII after their plane crashes in the jungle. An Amazonian Indian tribe finds them and believes they are dolphin people who came out of the river. The German family must do all they can to keep this illusion going in order to survive. But this blog post isn't about the book. It's about the author.

On the book cover, it says..this book was written by Torsten Krol. Nothing further is known about him.

Pulease. What a drama queen.

I can appreciate if you want your anonymity but seriously, why all the dramatics?

Unless. You aren't who you say you are.

Of course, I had to google the guy and read everything I could find out about him. It appears that he might live in Australia. Or he might in reality not be Torsten Krol...but Stephen King.

This is not a horror novel. But the tone of voice in it is pretty confident. It seems to me that the person who wrote this has written lots of other things. Not just one other novel (something called Callisto and the only reason I didn't run out and buy is because it's about the war in Iraq and that topic makes me sick to my stomach.)

I'm convinced Torsten Krol is the pen name of someone more famous. And I'm so pissed that I can't find out who. Someone out there has to know. By the way, I am guessing Stephen King because the name doesn't sound unlike Torsten Krol. And because Stephen King has written lots of things beyond the horror genre that are fabulous, like "The Green Mile" and "Stand By Me."

Just for the record, if I ever get a novel published, I promise to be the biggest media whore ever. My public deserves it.

Princess Stalking

So we went to Disney. Not a long trip. Just one day at the Magic Kingdom. But apparently, long enough to stalk princesses.

Now. I knew A. liked princesses. I didn't know she thought of them as rock stars. This became clear the moment we entered the park and spotted Snow White. Overall, I think Snow White looked a bit sweaty. Yes, I know...Florida humidity. Unfortunately, she had to go somewhere (a date with Sleepy? a power walk with Grumpy?)and left. Apparently, that still counted as "seeing" her.

One princess down. A whole lot more to go.

So we headed over to Toon Town which is apparently where you can meet three princesses all at one time. It's a crap shoot because you never know who you are going to get. When we reached the front of the line, we discovered we had hit the Princess Trifecta...Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Belle. I had warned A. that we might not see Sleeping Beauty because she naps a lot. But she was there, platinum wig and all.

Here's where it got weird. A. would barely look/talk/interact with the princesses. Mostly she stuck her hands in her mouth.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh, I see you are wearing a dress with berries on it. I was just out picking berries this morning.

A: ??????

CINDERELLA: Oh my, what a lovely barrette you are wearing.

A: ?????

BELLE: Look! We both have brown hair!

A: ??????

Now, maybe A. just thought these were dumb conversations to have and didn't want to waste her time. She wouldn't be wrong. Or maybe she was frightened by their eye shadow. I was. In any event, four princesses down. More to go.

Ariel is not completely a princess but a princess mermaid. Apparently, this means she gets her own venue. The line streamed round and round at Ariel's grotto. When we finally got inside, Ariel was like really tiny. And she had a fake midriff. That is....she had a fabric tummy. No matter. A. wouldn't talk to her either. She spent most of the time inspecting the palm of her hand. Ariel checked it out too. Four princesses and one princess/mermaid down. I assumed we were done. Oh no.

We walked over to the Small World ride and A. got hysterical that Jasmine wasn't there. I explained that I didn't know where Jasmine was because she was a lesser princess and didn't get her own real estate. This only made the crying worse. Luckily, an employee from Small World overheard us and made a phone call to track down Jasmine. No joke, she really did. This is why Disney rocks.

Apparently, Jasmine would be appearing with Aladdin by the Magic Carpet ride at 11:15. After It's a Small World, we raced over to meet her. Aladdin could have been invisible for all she cared. A. only had eyes for Jasmine. Jasmine actually did show her midriff which made her quite popular with the Dads.

After that, A. had no need to meet any characters. She seemed to have forgotten about Mulan and Pochantas which is good. We stopped stalking and started having fun.

I promise. No more princess postings after this. Next post...why the Rainforest Cafe is my idea of hell.

No Giants in the House

Every household needs rules. Our rules include no giants, dinosaurs, dragons, witches or ghosts in the house. Fairies, on the other hand, are quite welcome.

Apparently though, giants keep getting in. You'd think someone would notice them climbing up the stairs of our brownstone but no. Sharks are also becoming something of a problem. Just yesterday, they were circling our dining room table:

A: Put your feet up! We're on a pirate ship and there are sharks around.

Me: Okay.

A: Careful! The shark is biting my feet! Now he's biting my private parts!

Me: Um...

A: Now he's eating my nipples! Those are private parts too!

Me: Hey, how about another chicken finger?

And much later, coincidentally around bedtime, a giant got into the house. Again. I told him to leave and not to come back. We checked her bedroom for any extra ones that might be hiding in the closet. We did find a dragon. I made him leave via the fire escape.

Me: By the way, you know that giants and dragons aren't real.

A: Yes. They are pretend. So are witches. And ghosts. And horses.

Me: Well, horses are real.

A: No.

Me: Yes they are. We've seen them.

A: But they are really big.

Me: Yes.

A: Like giants.

I am starting to see the logic here. Kind of.

A: Don't be afraid of giants and dragons, Mommy. They are just pretend.

Me: Okay.

A: But princesses are real. And fairies too.

Me: Do they ever get in the house?

A: No. They live in Florida.

Of course they do. But in the event they ever make it to Brooklyn, we'll invite them in.

Hello, my sweet city...

I'm back. Not that you care.

You're like that old boyfriend I had once

who barely looked up when I entered the room.

And only gave me a compliment once

and that was on my shoes.

Even though you don't always make me feel good about myself

I'm happy to be back in your big, gray arms.

It's okay, you don't have to hug back

as long as you

don't push me away.