Twas the Night Before Passover

It's happened. I look back on this blog that I've been totally ignoring for six months and what do I see? Cute stories about my kids.

I am so so sorry.

You see....I didn't intend it for this purpose. I intended it to write about the Bachelor show (which I now despise...how dare they think women should compete for the types of guys you usually try to avoid in bars?) or to get on my soapbox about something. But lately, I am too tired to get on my soapbox. Hell, I don't even know where it is anymore.

So...

Anyone want to hear a cute story about my kid? No? Okay. Stop reading. Catch you on the flip side.

But in case you do....

Tonight A. asks me the story of Passover. I thought she might remember a little something from seders past but apparently not. I told her the story of Purim, which she liked a lot since it involved a queen, a beauty contest, a king and a bad guy. And eventually, it involved cookies. Hard not to like a holiday like that.

But the Passover tale is different. It's harsh. Kind of scary. And really, when you think about it, ripe for to be made into a horror movie.

I tried to give her the Cliff notes version. Went something like this:

ME: So the Jews ran out of food in Israel so they went to Egypt to look for some.

A: Really? Why didn't they go to the grocery store?

ME: They didn't have them then. Anyway, they found food but then the Pharaoh AKA King turned them into slaves.

A: Slaves?

We then digress into a long unpleasant conversation about slavery. I start to try to touch on a bit of American history here but stop myself. I'm not about to tackle the Civil War tonight too...I will save this conversation for my dad the retired history teacher. Anyhow...

A: Um, when do we get to the princess part of the story?

ME: There is a princess, I think. She adopts Moses. He is really Jewish but the Pharoah doesn't know it so they become friends.

A. Is he smart?

ME: Yes. He helps lead the Jews out of Egpyt. But then the Pharoah changes his mind and tries to stop them. So Moses finds a way to fight back.

A: How?

Uh oh. It's about to get trippy now.

ME: Well, there are a bunch of plagues that they use to try to stop him.

A: What's a plague?

ME: A bad thing. Like hail.

A: Huh?

ME: Bad weather.

A: What else?

ME: Um. Pestilence.

A: Wha???

ME: Bugs. And then frogs. Raining down from the sky.

A: You are joking me. It can't rain frogs.

ME: How do you know?

HYSTERICAL FIT OF LAUGHTER.

A: What else?

ME: Um...the cows all got sick.

A: Well, that's sad. Anything else?

ME: Um....some stuff that you might think is kinda scary.

A: Tell me!

ME: Well, the water all turned to blood.

A: This is a good story, Mommy. More!!

ME: Well...

At this point, i am thinking about bedtime, the fact that the husband is at a business dinner and if she doesn't sleep, I will have no one to blame but myself.

A: Tell me!

ME: All right. They uh...killed the first born baby of each Egyptian family.

A: Whoa.

Me: Yeah.

A: That is scary.

Me: Yes. But it happened a long time ago. So don't worry.

A: I'm not worried. I'm already five so I'm safe.

Me: True.

We went into the rest of the story. She was impressed with the whole parting of the Red Sea in particular. Then a little while later, it was bedtime. Uh oh.

And then plagues started raining down on me. Sing 'em with me folks.

Tears. Screaming. Freaking out. Whimpering. Whining. Interrupting the sleep of the second born.

ME: What can I do to make you feel better?

She feebly points to a magazine on the nightstand. I am not proud to say what it is. Us Weekly. With a Kardashian on the cover. Sigh. And then I hand it over. A proud parenting moment, I must say.

Less than five minutes later, she is asleep. With visions of reality tv stars dancing in her head.

Happy Passover, friends. I'm off to make nut-free charoset.