Bachelorette Round-Up "Hey, why's this train slowing down?"

Once again, didn’t manage to see the entire show last night. I try. Really I do. My real life always seems to get in the way of the fake one on t.v. But just missing the first 15 minutes isn’t such a big deal, is it? I think the only thing I missed was the set-up…the guys are going on a cross-country train across the Canadian Rockies. Thus continuing the Canadian tourism fluff piece.

So despite the fact that all the guys are on the same train together…Jillian is having some alone time with Robby the bartender. Who’s Robby the bartender? He’s your buddy, he’s your pal, he fixes you a cocktail just the way you like it. But is he your husband? Uh. No. Jillian seems to know this but still spends a lot of time asking questions. He tells her “I wish I had the vocabulary to say how I feel.” So do we, Robby, so do we.

And then all of a sudden, the train slows down. Robby’s like “hey, why’s the train slowing down?” Jillian’s like, “um. Sorry.” And then Robby’s butt is kicked off the train, standing in the middle of nowhere with his suitcases, waving pathetically. I wonder how ABC pulled this off. Did Jillian wink at one of the waitresses who notified the conductor? Did she pull some kind of hand brake? Hmmm. Suppose we’ll never know.

The other guys are surprised that Robby got the boot. No one more so than Michael Electric Boogalu who actually starts to cry. Yes, cry. There there, Michael. In the meantime, Wes gets his game face on. He tells the camera “if anyone has an agenda here, I do. I have a CD coming out. The more I get of fame, I taste it, I eat it. I’ve got records to sell. So I’ll always have her wrapped around my finger.” I thought it seemed a bit odd that all of a sudden, Wes was coming clean. Like he enjoyed playing the role of villain or something. I’m starting to think his manager left him cue cards because it’s really feeling like he’s got some writers. I don’t think Wes is coming up with “I eat fame, I feel it inside me.” Way too deep for the man who wrote “They say love don’t come easy…” Which someone pointed out is what every single country song in the whole world is about.

I digress, I digress. Next day, Jillian shows up in her red hoodie (a Canadian specialty) and hands out the date card. Apparently, all the guys will be going snow-shoeing (ew) except for Reid, who will get a one-on-one date going snow-boarding (ew with pain involved). In other words, you date a Canadian, be prepared to like snow.

Tanner takes the opportunity to help Jillian with her boots, since it’s the closest he can get to her feet. Jake rolls around with Jillian in the snow and tries to tell Jillian her lurves her. He starts out by telling her she is a lot like his mom. I don’t care if your mom is a total rock star, most women don’t want to hear that. And then Kimpton interrupts and has a total make-out session with Jill. We’re talking hands on thighs and everything.

In the meantime, back on the train, Reid is bored. He is trying to get himself psyched up for his one-on-one date with Jillian. But he has no one to talk to. So he chats up the waitress on the train. She suggests that he not wear his glasses nor his hat. Then we see him talking to some conductor type, too. This guy says to be honest with his feelings. Reid says “I tend to overanalyze.” Reid is being portrayed as the neurotic one. Why? Because he wears glasses! And as we find out later…he’s Jewish! So if Wes is the Villian, Reid is Jerry Seinfeld.

Back on the group date, evening falls. Michael Electric Boogalu decides to step it up a notch. He starts a game of something like Truth or Dare but more just like Truth. He asks Jillian what she sleeps in. Tank top and underwear. And then Jillian starts asking the other guys what they sleep in. Only Tanner decides to illustrate. He peels off all the way down to his bikini underwear and says “that’s what Daddy wears.” Yes folks, I can’t make this stuff up. Jillian pretends to be horrified but still checks out his goodies, despite claiming she “isn’t ready to see anyone’s package yet.”

And then Jillian and Tanner have alone time and Tanner gets to rub Jillian’s feet. He says “they are soft as sh*t” which is always a nice visual picture. And then he says “she has high arches and if her toes were painted Mango, Mango..her feet would be a 10.” Again, I stand by my conviction that Tanner was nothing more than a plant…he is too one-dimensional to be an actual person and he is playing the part of Foot Fetish Weirdo a little too ridiculously. Note the ridiculous eye bulging as he touches her feet.

Then Jesse has alone time with Jilly and says his parents would fall in love with her. And then poor Michael Electric Boogalu tries to convince her that she has to come home with him or his parents and dog will disown him.

Later that night, Tanner owns up to being the one who told Jillian someone had a girlfriend. Wes gets instantly defensive, saying that he hates tattletales. In case you were wondering if were back in grade school, we know officially are with the use of the word “tattletale.”

Next day, the date with Reid aka Jerry Seinfeld. Reid attempts to snowboard. He mostly falls on his butt. She tells him her dream is to marry someone where every day is like Christmas morning. Reid says “in my world, that means no presents.” Jillian looks confused because she has never actually met a Jewish person before. Except Jason of course and I’m not sure she ever really was aware of that. Reid tells her that if you have red ears you either have high blood pressure or you are horny. And then he hands her some green m-n-m’s.

Evening part of the date…they are going to make fondue. This freaks out Reid because he is a germaphobic, something I can relate to. As we speak, I've got a bottle of Purell on either side of me and hand wipes in my bag. If this guy has problems with fondue, why doesn’t he have a problem with making out with a girl who has kissed like five other guys the night before? He’s going to have some serious issues during the overnight dates.

Anyway, despite the fact that Reid and Jillian have nothing in common, they decide they like each other and she gives him a rose. Which Reid promptly cleans off with a Clorox wipes before touching.

And now it’s that part of the show when we’re reminded there is a host. Jillian has a conversation with Chris the Dork Harrison about how she’s feeling. She says Wes is a Southern gentleman. Jake is gorgeous but too serious. Tanner keeps talking about the other men. And Michael is basically a child.

Okay. Here’s how the rose ceremony netted out. Keep in mind that Kimpton and Reid already have roses.

1st rose…Jesse

2nd rose…Wes….major eyerolls from the rest of the guys

3rd rose…Michael Electric Boogalu

Really? I mean, honestly? Jake goes home and Electric Boogalu stays? Is this guy really the potential future father of your children? Can you say “the producers forced me?”

In the meantime, Jake has a pity party for himself saying nice guys always finish last. Which leads me to believe that despite him being super-hot, he is always getting dumped. Hmmmm.

Next week, Jillian meets the families. Except for Wes, who introduces her to his band. Did he mention he has a CD coming out??

Have a good week, guys.

N