"I like bears."

This might seem like a simple, mundane statement but….if you saw last night’s show, you’d know that it sums up Nathalie’s personality. When Jason asked her about herself she said, “I like bears.” There was a pause, as Jason waited for something more. A punchline, anything. Finally, Jason said “koalas?” And Natalie says “all kinds!” Wow. I mean, wow.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that my daughter hates The Bachelor. Why else would choose this night of all nights to give us a hard time about sleeping? There are certain bits I missed so again, feel free to chime in.

The show starts with Stephanie getting a one-on-one date with Jason. Stephanie is the single mom whose husband died and has been consoling herself with Botox. Now, Jason seems to have a lot of respect for Stephanie….I think. Either that or he just feels sorry for her. Either way, he surprises her by bringing her daughter Sophia to come along on the date. Which is fine except the date is now really between Stephanie and Sophia. They snuggle, they laugh, they ride the rides at LegoLand. And Jason kind of watches. Meanwhile, poor Stephanie thinks this is a chance for Sophia to have a daddy. She says “this is a possible opportunity for a male role model.” She even says “Jason reminds me of my deceased husband.” Creepy! Okay, she may think she’s over this tragedy…but she’s not. Not really. Jason says “it would be amazing to be with someone like Stephanie for the rest of my life.” Note he did not say Stephanie herself.

Okay. Onto the next date. Jason is taking 8 girls out a date to “get busted.” What does this mean? They will all make a cast of their busts, paint it and auction it off to charity for a breast cancer awareness organization. How clever ABC! Now we all get to see who has big boobs and who doesn’t. And for charity, no less. Jason goes first so he can peel off his shirt again. Erica and Melissa vigorously rub him down with baby oil. Stalker Shannon says “I like to stare at him…..they didn’t get enough oil on him.” ABC even shows us cheesy silhouettes of the girls getting changed. Jillian says “I’m very comfortable being naked.” Of course she is; she has no boobs. The girls with big ones didn’t look as pleased to be getting half naked. Stalker Shannon asks Jason to put plaster on her body so they could share “an intimate moment.”

And then it’s time to paint their busts. Some girls paint them with hearts and flowers but Megan decides she’s going to paint a fetus. Because fetuses are so pretty. She then asks the dumbest question of the night…and that’s saying something….when she asks someone at the charity if someone who has had a mastectomy can breastfeed. Ummm….no. How would that work exactly? Megan then says she’s very deep and everyone else there is as shallow as a kiddie pool. Melissa tells Jason she had a breast reduction at age 17, which seemed to shock him. We also find out Melissa is Greek “I got my Yaya’s boobs” which should definitely help her chances with Jay-Jay since it will remind him of his dear Deanna. Poor Nikki with the sideburns runs out of things to talk about with the J-Man, which sucks this early in the game. Anyway, there is one rose to be given away on this date and Jillian gets it. The Canadian Hot Dog Lady wins again…

So then a date card comes to the house for Nathalie. Jason says “she is hot and fun but I want to find out who she is inside.” Really? She’s hot? Bad spray-tans and fake blonde extensions are hot? Jay-jay comes to pick her up at the house and she is late coming downstairs. Always a bad idea when there are other women there to keep him entertained. When she finally comes downstairs, she is greeted by a man with a suitcase. The suitcase holds a million dollars worth of diamonds. Nathalie’s face lights up like a Christmas tree. This is definitely a girl who likes her bling.

Jay-jay takes her on a private jet and then a helicopter over Vegas. Nathalie can scarcely contain her excitement. You can tell she thinks she is J Lo or something. She keeps tossing her overly processed locks like she is Queen of the Prom. She says to Jason “look at the reflection of my diamonds in the window.” Jason says “I felt like James Bond, walking into the place with the girl everyone was looking at.” Really? Because high-def television was really not doing her any favors.

And then Jason makes his fatal mistake. He decides he wants to “dig beneath the surface” of Nathalie. Problem is, that’s all there is. Jason says “you’re the cute, sporty girl who loves clothes…what else?” And she says, “I love bears.” And Jason says to the camera, “I wish our conversations were better.”

Despite, Nathalie trying to convince Jason that is not just a party girl and really was put on this earth to be a mother, Jason isn’t buying it. He picks up the rose but doesn’t give it to her. This is also around the time when A. decided she didn’t want to go to sleep and I had to go in and rub her back so excuse me if I miss any important details. Jason tells Nathalie that the moment she saw the diamonds was the happiest he saw her all night. Nathalie gets annoyed and tells him that are other girls in the house who are just wrong for him. Jason seems curious but lets Nathalie go anyway. Minus the diamonds, of course.

This gets Jason wondering who “the bad girls” in the house are. Lauren tells it like it is and mentions Erica and Megan. Megan hears this and gets all in a huff. There is some trash-talking which Erica and Megan are really good at because they are, well, trash. At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison encourages the girls to be up front about this fighting. Lauren and Megan say nasty things about each other. This upsets Shannon the Stalker, who runs in the bathroom to puke. I’m hoping she is not going to try to kiss Jason with that mouth since you know girlfriend doesn’t have a toothbrush handy. Okay. Here’s how the rose ceremony pans out. Remember, Stephanie and Jillian are safe:

Rose #1 Molly

Rose #2 Lauren

Rose #3 Melissa

Rose #4 Naomi…forget she existed this week.

Rose #5 Shannon with the puke-breath

Rose #6 Nikki and her crazy boobs

Rose #7 Megan…really? Still? The producers must have forced him to keep her.

Who’s out? Kari, who you kinda forgot existed and Erica, who you wish you could forget existed. She’s like that obnoxious girl in school who was always really loud and somewhere along the way, someone thought that meant she was funny. No. Just annoying. The girl makes the ugliest faces, too. She says “I’m a real girl who likes to get down and dirty and rough and have fun.” Great. I’m sure there are plenty of bars where you can do that. We just don’t have to watch it anymore.

Next week, Molly winds up camping out with Jay-jay and coming home in his clothes. Doing the walk of shame on television….nice. And we see great drama in the final rose ceremony when…gasp….Jason refuses to give out the final rose. The drama!!!

Enjoy the rest of the week,
Nan